Over-indulging teens

[Potty Diva]

I'm reading a lot about parents complainging (venting) about their teens activity costs and wonder why parents enroll their child in so many acitivities at one time?

What is the purpose of this?

I have always been told (and have learned) that it is better to be great at one sport or activity than mediocre at several. Many teens I see, and it is very rare that I see the opposite, that are involved in more than one or two activities at a time are not very good at either and are burned out or only doing ok in academics.

Is it that a child complains about wanting to do more and the parents give in? What about finances? Don't family financial means come before the wants of a teen?

I'm honestly confused by this.

Also if it isn't a problem to be spending so much money on these things, then why complain?

[Susie1]

I would not call it over-indulging kids, (not sure there is such a thing) but over-whelming kids. In our culture, it seems busy-ness is highly valued, whereas kicking back and smelling the roses is not valued at all. We are a type A culture and there is a fierce spirit of competetiveness in most schools these days. Teens are baraged with college requirements which go beyond just getting excellent grades. Teens are taking AP classes, involving in student government/leadership, sports and community service so that there portfolios are strong. I am sure many teens enjoy some of these activities and are actually choosing which they most want to be in. But I have had conversations with many parents who proudly say, "DS is just so busy with all of his activities that he barely has time to sleep!" I find it disturbing. I also wonder how much say these kids have had in choosing their own activities. Parents can be awfully pushy.

Beneath this busy-ness is an empty anxiety. A "my kid has gotta have it all" idea that has infected the collective mentality of American parenting.

[UnschoolnMa]

My kids aren't really involved with sports or anything so this isn't an issue for us. They've taken classes in the past though, and we did try to help them plan it out in a practical "don't want to run yourself into the ground" way. It was never a problem. We like to go and do, but we tend to like to be home or have our time "free" more.

I'd be concerned if my kids were run ragged by activities, and if that were happening I would definitely share my worries with them. Hopefully we could talk about it and come to a good place together. Money is an issue for our family in a pretty big way, so if my teens wanted to get into something I'd be totally willing to do what I could, but I can't make money just magically appear any better than the next guy. Fortunately the kids seem to understand our budget (or the lack thereof) and don't ask for things that we just can't realistically do.

[smillerhouse]

I think it depends on the child/teen adult. We have alwasys been a very active family. The purpose is not the statud,how it will look on a coollege ap. but to pursue interests. Sallie

[orangefoot]

Somewhat selfishly I worry about myself being run ragged and overwhelmed by taking my boys to lots of activities. Similar to the pp we couldn't afford for them to do a lot of things either.

They are not interested in football which is the main activity here for boys their age; it seems that half the kids we know are playing in teams on Saturdays or Sundays here ther and everywhere and their mums complain about it ruining the weekend or having to stand out in all weathers to support them.

Recently they started going to a kind of tae kwan do class on a saturday at noon which they walk to. It's a mixed age group session and some dads we know go too.

Maybe the urge to have children in lots of activities starts when they are toddlers and as they grow older going out and being busy become a habit not a necessity.

[Alkenny]

I wouldn't call it overindulging niether, but I do know where you are coming from.

We've always told our kids, one activity at a time. With the exception of band for my DD, they've pretty much stuck to it. Band is only 45 minutes during the school day and a couple of hours on a Friday night though, so...she runs cross country as well.

DS had one season where he played both football and soccer and he finished out his commitment but agreed that it was just too much.

[Susana]

Here's a twist on the subject...one of my pet peeves is people who complain that they think my kids are too busy. I mean, why do they care? We're not asking them for money to fund the activities and we're not asking for rides to and from these things..I just don't get why they need to put their 2 cents in. My dd is really active at her dance school and loves every second of it, and my son is a serious golfer and he basically lives to be on a course. I have lots of other parents and especially my family constantly saying to me *You're going to go to dance again?* *you have to drive how far for a tournament?*, etc. It's so annoying!

I just think some people see value, no matter what the cost, in having their kids pursue their interests in an attempt to live full and active lives...that's all

[CarrieMF]

My kids aren't quite in the teens years yet.

My oldest(9 this fall) is in guides from Sept-May, it costs $90. From Oct-March she's in Basketball, I think her price goes up to about $120 this year but I could be wrong on that. They take swimming at $40.

When I was in Grades 7-10 I was in the town softball league, it cost about $50. I was also in the School softball, track & field, basketball all which cost nothing other than a pair of shoes & during basketball if we were away for a tournament $40 for food(it never ever cost $40 that's just what dad gave me & I'd eat a $2 ice cream sandwich then save the rest of the money, I told dad I didn't need money & he'd insist anyhow). In 11 & 12 I gave up the town league & stopped track & field, but kept up with basketball which cost nothing but the shoes & the $40 dad gave us. Once we stayed in a hotel but the Student Council covered the cost of that. Most of the time we stayed in the hometeam school.

As long as we were in school sports they cost nothing extra since the shoes we wore were our gym shoes, the uniforms were paid for by Student Council or the school, gas was paid back to the parents who led their vehicles out & that was paid for by the Student Council. If the group needed money they'd hold a bakesale.

When we travelled away we went as a group & took usually 2 vehicles. The parents usually took turns on who was either driving(for the younger kids) or lending out the vehicle(in the grades where we were driving age). The coach took his vehicle too so there was only 1 other vehicle. Sometimes we'd take one of the school busses if both the girls & boys were going to the same event.

When we were in Elementary school we were in more activities. the school had a t-ball/softball league, my sister & I took a couple years of skating, jazz, 4H(not the beef one, my brothers did that).

All 4 of us took swimming in the summer, 2 weeks at the lake & 2 weeks at the pool. I think I was 15 when I stopped taking swimming, we had to get to a certain level which was 1 or 2 before you went onto the bronze things to become a lifeguard.

[mtiger]

Looking back on my own teen years, I was as busy as any today. Sports all three seasons, band, multiple clubs, every drama production, etc. Same with all my friends. Our parents' figured a busy teen is a teen not getting in trouble. And, for the most part, they were right.

I've followed suit with my two, with the same proviso my parents had - as long as they keep their grades up, they can participate at will.

The oldest takes a heavy courseload at school, is in several clubs, participates in all the drama productions and plays in a band. Until recently, he was also in Scouts.

The youngest... plays horn in the school band(s) (regular, honors, pep and jazz bands), is slated to be captain of her field hockey team this coming year, is a peer leader, in Jr Nat'l Honor Society, president of the music honor society, and acts with a local community theater. Oh, she's also in Scouts.

I arrange my work schedule around their activities and we all organize car pools when needed. The expenses aren't tremendous.

[mamaduck]

There are good reasons that parents look to involve their kids in so much.

1) Filling their time with constructive pursuits prevents them from spending time hanging around, or getting into trouble. Unstructured time can be dangerous, especially if its unsupervised. Kids have so much freaking energy.

2) Activities help kids develop confidence about trying things, taking initiative, and feeling like they can be good at stuff. Developing a sense of competency is really important.

3) Organized activities give kids a chance to feel like they belong somewhere, and are working toward real goals. They are less likely to seek out that sense of "belonging" in less acceptable ways.

[fantesia28]

I totally agree with the last two posts! In this day and age a bored kid is a kid that has time to get into trouble, especially in their teen years! I think that as long as they are not overloaded, involving them in activities is a GREAT thing!!

[Arduinna]

I totally don't buy the idea that kids must be overscheduled to save themselves from getting into trouble. Kids that have no desire to get into trouble don't. Vandalism and other issues are not specifically related to free time but to feelings of hopelessness, lack of self worth, not being valued at home, too much pressure ect.

Having said that as long as the activites are ones that are desired and requested by the teen I don't have a problem with it. I'd do whatever I could to provide for my kids interests.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by Potty Diva

I'm reading a lot about parents complainging (venting) about their teens activity costs and wonder why parents enroll their child in so many acitivities at one time?

My favorite book [I]Unequal Childhoods[I] (it's a sociological study of parenting differences between low-income and high-income families) describes several families where the kids are in activities at least every day-sometimes more than one activity a day. The parents studied are apparently afraid of their kids having free time because then they might just watch TV or something. The idea seems to be that one has to spend every moment improving oneself so as not to fall behind. It's a very strange idea to me but it's real.

[UnschoolnMa]

We are pretty big on the unstructured time around here. I think having an involved loving family is more key in having kids who avoid trouble than a bunch of activities are. Not that I am anti activity of course. I just don't think it's necessary to keep kids from getting into troubling stuff.

[orangefoot]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

3) Organized activities give kids a chance to feel like they belong somewhere, and are working toward real goals. They are less likely to seek out that sense of "belonging" in less acceptable ways.

I just read your post to my 14 yo who has a lot of free, unstructured time and his response was 'But I belong in my family'.

I'm glad he feels that way.

[Marcee]

My children only participate in 1 activity at a time. For example Briar does AAU Basketball from October-March but school basketball starts in January so he starts that in conjunction with AAU. Then Baseball Starts in May and we play through the summer. Football starts (gridkids) in July (practice) and goes through end of October (or early November). Football for the school starts in conjunction with our local gridkids and they work together. They do overlap a bit but it is workable. Briar gets excellent grades and is in Highly Capable. Grayson and Barrett are younger so they only play AAU, Gridkids, and Little League (and Barrett plays with the local soccer team). Savara is only 3 but she will be starting dance this year and maybe gymnastics if we have time.

Mostly I complain about money because honestly I am CHEAP and I hate to spend it.... lol But I know what is good for "MY" kids. And sports for them,keeps them "grounded" and me "sane" And I look pretty dang cute in my "Team Mom" Sweatshirt! lol!

[MillingNome]

:

My kids both do karate 3-4 times a week. DD also does two other sports through school- basketball in the fall and softball in the spring. I have nothing against down time in an area where kids are free and safe to play on their own. I would never let my kids just roam where we live. It just flat out would not be safe. Their sport activities, in particular karate, has become their hangout time. Sure it cost money but as someone who pays tuition for their school, their sports are comparitively (sp?... I'm on a mac laptop and can't right click for Firefox spell check to work ) cheap.

[Potty Diva]

Oh, I really wasn't concerned about the physical exhaustion aspect, but the money aspect.

As someone asked, why would I care what their kids do? I don't. BUT, when you bring it to a message board and whine about how much money you are having to spend for all these activities it gets a little old. If parents are so stressed about activities, then have their child d pay for them. Let them take some responsibility for what they want to pursue, or stop complaining.

[Potty Diva]

Originally Posted by orangefoot

I just read your post to my 14 yo who has a lot of free, unstructured time and his response was 'But I belong in my family'.

I'm glad he feels that way.

I think this is important as well. They belong in a family that is supportive, structured, allows for expression of individuality and is loving.

They do not need 4-5 sports to keep them going from the time to bell rings after school, til bedtime. This in my opinion isn't raising your kids or creating a loving, supportive environment (because really they are not in the family environment).

[Potty Diva]

Originally Posted by marybethorama

My favorite book [I]Unequal Childhoods[I] (it's a sociological study of parenting differences between low-income and high-income families) describes several families where the kids are in activities at least every day-sometimes more than one activity a day. The parents studied are apparently afraid of their kids having free time because then they might just watch TV or something. The idea seems to be that one has to spend every moment improving oneself so as not to fall behind. It's a very strange idea to me but it's real.

I understand this, but as I said before. Being in multiple sports does not allow someone to improve on ones self. You become mediocre at all things, instead of fantastic at one or two things.

And a child can't watch TV if it isn't on or not there.