How do you say "No thanks" to couples who interview YOU?

[BirthFree]

As a doula or a midwife... if you are interviewed by a couple and do not feel that it is a good fit for you - how do you go about graciously declining their interest in your services?

This is so tricky for me and I'd love to hear how your experiences have taught you how to do this.

[memiles]

Originally Posted by BirthFree

As a doula or a midwife... if you are interviewed by a couple and do not feel that it is a good fit for you - how do you go about graciously declining their interest in your services?

This is so tricky for me and I'd love to hear how your experiences have taught you how to do this.

"Unfortunately, I've had a personal situation come up that will make me unavailable for your birth. I do have a list here of doulas that I think would be a good fit for you if you would like a few recommendations."

It's not a lie, it puts the blame on you, and it helps lead them to a doula that might be better suited for their needs. This very situation is what makes me thankful for the diversity of personalities in the doula community around here. I might not be the doula for them, but somebody is!

[Midwife Kris]

As a doula after we had the interview and before they call me back (if they called back), if I figured that I didn't have what they wanted or needed, I'd call them and give them referrals to doulas I thought matched better.

If as a midwife I didn't think I had a good match I would call her back and refer her to other midwives, both hospital and home birth for good measure. I don't get into particulars because it's not a critique of personalities and I don't lie about being out of town or having personal issues because I am going to fill that slot up with someone else... and it's a small world.

[BirthFree]

Megan, would you say that same thing after an interview? It's usually during the interview that I figure out it's maybe not a good match (well, not maybe, usually I know). Most of the time the ladies ask if I am availble at their due date time before I get interviewed...

metromidwife - so are you saying that you DON'T say you have someone filling that spot so that you aren't lying? (Just making sure I understand you).
Can you give me an example of your wording?

I don't want to turn people off by the way I say it...

[BirthFree]

Oh, and thank you much for the replies!

[memiles]

When I've done it, it's been only if they call me back and ask to hire me. I generally go home and stew about it for a while, make sure that I'm really making the right decision and not being judgemental and such. In most of the situations that have made me think about it, they don't call me back anyway.

In my mind, saying this isn't lying. Something did come up that won't let me attend their birth...........my gut instinct that we aren't a good fit. That doesn't mean I'm not taking other clients at that time. However, I don't feel comfortable telling a woman that I don't want to be her doula because I don't feel comfortable with her, as I see the potential for unnecessary hurt feelings that the woman doesn't really need. I know that somewhere out there there is a doula that will be perfect for that woman, and I'm happy to help them find her so that everyone can have the best experience possible.

Originally Posted by BirthFree

Megan, would you say that same thing after an interview? It's usually during the interview that I figure out it's maybe not a good match (well, not maybe, usually I know). Most of the time the ladies ask if I am availble at their due date time before I get interviewed...

metromidwife - so are you saying that you DON'T say you have someone filling that spot so that you aren't lying? (Just making sure I understand you).
Can you give me an example of your wording?

I don't want to turn people off by the way I say it...

[Midwife Kris]

Originally Posted by BirthFree

metromidwife - so are you saying that you DON'T say you have someone filling that spot so that you aren't lying? (Just making sure I understand you).
Can you give me an example of your wording?

I don't want to turn people off by the way I say it...

Right, I'm not going to invent a client who came in and swooped up her spot in the time it took her to call me back, nor would I invent a "something came up" because the community is small when it comes to referrals and it would be really uncomfortable getting caught in a fib by another professional or the woman herself. It is easier to say, "I'm not the doula/midwife for you based on our conversation, but here are the names of a few who I think may suit you better..." I have done this in interviews on the spot when it comes to medical history (not going to string anyone along) or scope of practice, and only once have I made a preemptive call to refer a woman out when my gut said we weren't a match.

[Midwife Kris]

Originally Posted by memiles

In my mind, saying this isn't lying. Something did come up that won't let me attend their birth...........my gut instinct that we aren't a good fit. That doesn't mean I'm not taking other clients at that time. However, I don't feel comfortable telling a woman that I don't want to be her doula because I don't feel comfortable with her, as I see the potential for unnecessary hurt feelings that the woman doesn't really need. I know that somewhere out there there is a doula that will be perfect for that woman, and I'm happy to help them find her so that everyone can have the best experience possible.

Unless you get personal with commenting or critique I don't see how you could hurt her feelings by respectfully bowing out by making alternative doula suggestions. Otherwise the "something came up" reminds me of the George Costanza excuse... "it's me, not you", when it really is you (as in her)

[mamaverdi]

I think technically it's neither her, nor you: it's both. It's not a good match.

[mwherbs]

Originally Posted by metromidwife

Right, I'm not going to invent a client who came in and swooped up her spot in the time it took her to call me back, nor would I invent a "something came up" because the community is small when it comes to referrals and it would be really uncomfortable getting caught in a fib by another professional or the woman herself. It is easier to say, "I'm not the doula/midwife for you based on our conversation, but here are the names of a few who I think may suit you better..." I have done this in interviews on the spot when it comes to medical history (not going to string anyone along) or scope of practice, and only once have I made a preemptive call to refer a woman out when my gut said we weren't a match.

yep-- there are just times that it is sifting out that way at an interview- and I have the names and numbers right there- of the other gals, I think that you will find more what you are looking for with one of these other mws--- sometimes it is specific like I am taking vacation that month or on call for someone else- or I don't provide that service ...