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Parents who do things differently (no "sigh") - Page 6

post #101 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chavelamomela View Post
I realize I didn't make this clear in my original post:

The carseat she uses is not only the over-head bar kind (again, which do meet minimum safety standards), but it's over 5 years old. her oldest dd is 7 y.o. and it's the same seat that the oldest used. Now the 18 mo ds is using it too. (child #3)
So what? She is recycling What a good mama!Not using up our landfill!!
post #102 of 235
heated topic eh?

My son cannot have sugar. He is 12 yrs old and his entire life, sugar has driven him near insanity. He literally goes into hyperdrive to the point that he has been kicked out of class because he had sugar at a school party and gotten all wacked out. He used to go to daycare when I was a single mom, for about 8 years (plus public school till the 3rd quarter of 5th grade). I have had him in daycares where the daycare gives the kids cookies for snacks, kids share food, have parties, etc etc.

I explain to them all that he cannot have sugar, and the effects on him. I specify that I would like them to have something else for them if they insist on giving kids sugar saturated snacks. I have no problem providing that. Other people's children should NOT be sharing their food with yours, period. You cant just say "well they're preschoolers, they share everything". That is what the teachers are there for, to keep that from happening. I would have a problem with the center for allowing this to go on. Its not the mom's fault that your child eats something you don't want them to eat. Its the adult in charge of your child at that time's fault for allowing that to happen.

Its not your place to police other people's parenting. It is, however, your right and responsibility to make sure that your children are given the food that you provide them or specify for them by the people who are PAID to care for them.

If someone told me that I was not allowed to send the food to daycare that my son liked, that I approved of, I would yank my kid out of there and go somewhere else. If I am paying for my child's meal, then I will get what I choose to have for them, and its nobody else's business.

Just as I would not feed my son a raw foods diet, I would not ever feel I had the right to question someone else feeding their child that diet. I may ask them questions out of curiosity, but I would not judge them because its not my place.
post #103 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chavelamomela
I realize I didn't make this clear in my original post:

The carseat she uses is not only the over-head bar kind (again, which do meet minimum safety standards), but it's over 5 years old. her oldest dd is 7 y.o. and it's the same seat that the oldest used. Now the 18 mo ds is using it too. (child #3)
Perhaps she doesn't know that car seats expire. You'd be surprised. A lot of people don't. In fact, I myself didn't until a few years ago. And when I realized that I'd have to get rid of my Britax Marathon just because it was "expired"... well lets just say that I haven't yet. Its in the back room and no one will use it, nor will I sell it... but honestly.. the thought of just throwing it out kills me. I can understand the people that use old car seats. Really I can.
post #104 of 235
Thanks for your feedback. I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm really not.

I do know a lot about the eating habits of people as I ask them that (and about all of their medical issues) in my line of work. I'm not with them 24/7 but I am given their medical records and I spend a great deal of time working with them on their family and health issues. So I have more access than most people do, including food diaries.

A lot of times people have to feed their children what they can because of their economic situation. I get that and I know a lot of people in that situation. That's not who I am talking about. Rather then going back and forth where you find every exception, I'm just going to say I'm talking about families with enough money, time to cook, whose kids don't have sensory/developmental issues. Do you really not know anyone like this who breastfed but then gave their kids Coke, Lunchables, Wonderbread, Kool-Aid, Snickers, blue yougurt, etc, sometimes even simultaneous to nursing?

Rather than arguing what life was like 100 years ago, I'll say I didn't have to pick 100 years ago. I was just selecting a time and place where we didn't have swirly yogurt or whatever. I could have said 1000 years ago, Bombay in the 1940s, rural Tanzania 20 years ago. There's no magic about 100 years ago. Pick any time and place where these processed foods were not available. It's still a valid question.

And I'm not just talking about American or western European cities. Your examples have been the research you did wrt American socio-economic patterns and the foods of American cities 100 years ago (yikes on the crisco sandwiches). People in other countries 100 years ago (or 1000 or whatever) also didn't have access to these foods that are the "only foods" some kids will eat. (I say this again with all required disclaimers about the family economic and health situations.)

I'm not hiding behind a question in order to not trash food choices directly. I'll ask: "Why would someone feed their children that fake crap if they don't have to?" Is that better? Does the "if they don't have to" correctly place the question in the realm of people who feed their kids this food for no good reason? Do you think it's possible these people I'm talking about exist? I think formula is necessary in some cases (and I'm sure people would be happy to spell out all the examples of why they needed formula, as I had to as well), but that doesn't mean nobody is giving formula for convenience or whatever. I'm talking about the solid food equivalent.

Like many kids, when I was growing up I spent a great deal of time with my girlfriends, sleeping over, going in and out of each others' houses, etc. I was intimately familair with their family's habits (and obsession with Shawn Cassidy!) and I am certain that they didn't have health or developmental issues and they had enough money and the mamas stayed home. At my best friend's house, why in the world were we given Coco Puffs everyday? I was too young to grasp so I didn't ask but looking back I think it was because it was convenient. We would sometimes ask for eggs, toast, etc. but were handed a box of Coco Puffs and (chocolate!) milk instead. I don't judge those mamas because I am certain I am doing something ridiculous in raising my child. But that doesn't make what happened any less ridiculous.
post #105 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by avent View Post


Like many kids, when I was growing up I spent a great deal of time with my girlfriends, sleeping over, going in and out of each others' houses, etc. I was intimately familair with their family's habits (and obsession with Shawn Cassidy!) and I am certain that they didn't have health or developmental issues and they had enough money and the mamas stayed home. At my best friend's house, why in the world were we given Coco Puffs everyday? I was too young to grasp so I didn't ask but looking back I think it was because it was convenient. We would sometimes ask for eggs, toast, etc. but were handed a box of Coc Puffs and (chocolate!) milk instead. I don't judge those mamas because I am certain I am doing something ridiculous in raising my child. But that doesn't make what happened any less ridiculous.
Wasn't it nice that these parents invited you to their house to sleep over and have the energy to take on an extra child for the night? She opened her home and shared it with you..that is a gift and an honor. Not all parents do that...i know that my kids have sleepovers often and in the morning, I am SO drained that i tell them to eat what is in the cupboard. I hope 20 years from now they appreciate me having them over all the time and having memories of play time and giggling rather than lamenting about the kind of breakfast they got and writing it on a message board many years later.
post #106 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by avent View Post
Like many kids, when I was growing up I spent a great deal of time with my girlfriends, sleeping over, going in and out of each others' houses, etc. I was intimately familair with their family's habits (and obsession with Shawn Cassidy!) and I am certain that they didn't have health or developmental issues and they had enough money and the mamas stayed home. At my best friend's house, why in the world were we given Coco Puffs everyday? I was too young to grasp so I didn't ask but looking back I think it was because it was convenient. We would sometimes ask for eggs, toast, etc. but were handed a box of Coco Puffs and (chocolate!) milk instead. I don't judge those mamas because I am certain I am doing something ridiculous in raising my child. But that doesn't make what happened any less ridiculous.
Its funny you should say this... my nieces stayed the weekend a few weeks ago. I have three girls myself. So with five very rowdy girls in the house, I planned on making pancakes. But then my back started giving me problems and my hip started hurting. (I have SPD) So guess what they ate for breakfast? Yep! Coco Puffs! And my daughter was shocked and surprised because she knows I NEVER buy those things. But you know... I was tired and in pain, and just felt like not pushing myself.

I'm sure my children will survive. So perhaps while you were always at your friends house... the mama didn't want to cook or maybe it was hard for her. Convenience is a thing of perspective really. What might be convenience to you, could be necessary for me. Maybe I really can't stand at the stove cooking eggs. Who knows really?
post #107 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature View Post
Its funny you should say this... my nieces stayed the weekend a few weeks ago. I have three girls myself. So with five very rowdy girls in the house, I planned on making pancakes. But then my back started giving me problems and my hip started hurting. (I have SPD) So guess what they ate for breakfast? Yep! Coco Puffs! And my daughter was shocked and surprised because she knows I NEVER buy those things. But you know... I was tired and in pain, and just felt like not pushing myself.

I'm sure my children will survive. So perhaps while you were always at your friends house... the mama didn't want to cook or maybe it was hard for her. Convenience is a thing of perspective really. What might be convenience to you, could be necessary for me. Maybe I really can't stand at the stove cooking eggs. Who knows really?
Sometimes as parents we all just do the best we can. I grew up in a working class family and despite the fact that I am no longer technically working class, alot of what I ate as a child is still ingrained in me. Yeah, broiled fish may be healthiest but guess what I like it fried. Its funny because I had my son when I was 19 so when he was little, I would have been the Mama getting talked about on one of these boards had they existed 15 years ago. (I still remember thinking Sunny D and Capri Suns were good juices, I simply didn't know any better)

I sure as hell hope my son doesn't talk about what I fed him years from now but instead remembers the good times. Actually at 15 he jokes that we do eat differently than when he was a young kid.

This discussion has been so fascinating to me, like someone else said earlier, is this stuff really worth getting bent out of shape about? Yeah, if your kid has an allergy by all means you need to ensure your kid isn't being given the offending food but to ponder someone else's food choices?

As far as the carseats, I agree with others who have said maybe this mama doesn't know any better, maybe she doesn't have any money. Its so easy on MDC to view the world through such a narrow lens but maybe it would be easier if we had more compassion for other families.

Shay
post #108 of 235
My son wouldnt eat if it wasnt for some "crap". And if it were in Bombay or 100 years ago, there would be some kinda "crap" whatever crap was in those days, he would have eaten. Because my son has a texture/taste/temperature food issue. We try all foods and whatever he eats, he eats. Fruity snacks was one of those foods we tried. It worked, it added to his 4 list of foods. We didnt care, we were glad he TRIED something and liked it, without puking. If it were 100 years ago, it might be oh i dont know, raisins or something. (yes, raisins arent really that good for you) so who knows, but we really cant compare then to now and trying to say that our children who have these eating problems would have to eat healthy if it were in other place/time is ridiculous, because the problem would still be there. And its not about being lazy or whatever, because lord knows i have fixed gourmet meals hoping my son would eat ONE bite, only to waste food, which i think is worse that eating crap imo.
post #109 of 235
when it comes to food i try to give other moms info that i get. i would invite her to my house or something, have a bit of a cooking playdate with the kids. if you are really interested in helping her feed her kids better and not in just judgeing (sp?) her then think about what you would like someone to do for you. i've tried to help some of my friends feed their kids better and i just have them over for a playdate. when they see what i have for the kids to eat they ask questions. or i take them to the farmers market with me so they can see that it doesn't cost that much to buy good food for your family (cuz i aint rich).
stop being so judgemental and help the lady.
as for the car seat, i think you should mind your business there, the car seat works and it's safe.
post #110 of 235
I don't think you're being overly judgemental; I am not as responsible as I should be re: my kids eating (they do eat junk on occasion), but I do not send junk to school- kids need to have good food to be able to concentrate and learn. Crappy artificial dye and white sugar aren't "good" food. BUT my kids are sensitive to those things- I'm sure some kids can eat 3 cups of that sugary blue applesauce and it doesn't affect them negatively.

The carseat issue- I am totally with you. In today's society, it isn't rocket science or some well-guarded secret that a 5pt harness is safer than an overhead shield seat. And you don't need a government protected password to learn about carseats exipring roughly 6 years from the date of manufacture (some are longer, I think 8 is the max). Honestly, I think parents are responsible for knowing about things like carseat safety, and I believe that every state should have a Misuse clause (if the child in an accident is injured and the carseat is misused (expired, not properly installed, or inappropriate for the child, the driver is cited and can be prosecuted). But carseats are a big deal for us. And yes, I do have some "challenges" with my 3 kids- we're not just sitting around, thinking of things to spend our time on. But we make time for things that can affect whether our kids will be seriously injured or killed. I would (and have) approach her on the carseat issue. Offer her info on where to get her seat checked (Safe Kids can provide the info), give her info on 5pt vs OHS seats, and carseat expiration. You would feel awful if that child was injured and you hadn't said anything, I would guess.
post #111 of 235
Sure, go ahead and tell a mom with 3 small kids she is doing it all wrong. After all you have 1 kid and you know all about parenting.

The carseat - Overhead shield carseats are still manufactured.

They are not optimal but they do provide protection in a crash if used and installed correctly. The belts must be tight enough and they are best for children whose head is higher than the shield - thus a young infant probably is not very well off in this seat but an older toddler would be ok. I would only worry about a truly old style overhead shield seat - you can tell because the straps are routed through the front of the shield instead of being next to the childs boday and connecting into the buckle.

Maggie
post #112 of 235
Please tell me that I am not the only mom who is too busy trying to figure out how to sign the permission slips, get everyone dressed and out the door, pay the bills, go to work and raise the kids to spend time baking organic whole-grain muffins for snack time every day? : I send applesauce, though admittedly not the neon green version. I send yogurt -- the kind with *gasp* sugar in it. I send the evil chocolate chip granola bars, even! Oh, and Capri Suns, too!!! Because they eat it. Because I don't do it every day, and because when they get home, they eat carrot sticks and apples and whole wheat toast with peanut butter and homemade pizza.

Seriously, dd2 has had a feeding tube for five years. And when she finally ate the white flour store-brand saltines and drank 1/2 of a 3 oz juice box, we had a party. The kid goes through hell on a fairly regular basis. If the bagel and chocolate milk makes her happy, then I'm good.

As far as the carseat thing goes, for a lot of people, it really *is* rocket-science. Have you seen how many are out there? Any how much they cost? It can take a lot of knowledge to figure out which seat is good enough, and maybe she really honestly doesn't know this stuff. Information is good, but done in a whole "well, if you were a good mom who cared about your kids you'd of course buy them the very best most expensive car seat" way isn't likely to help the situation.
post #113 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch View Post
If I had a nickel for every stinking person who gave me that "why don't you just do xyz" crap, I would be a gazillionaire.

If you still have a hard time understanding, trot on into the special needs forum and ask the moms there to give you the 411. You'll be veeeeeeeeeeeery educated, trust me.
Hell's Bells, Finch! I'm really starting to fall for you :
post #114 of 235
I don't think it would hurt to have a chat about the carseats. I once had a chat with a lady in a restaurant about her daughter's carseat-- she was still in the infant carrier that one carries about, and she was obviously too large for it. The woman honestly had no idea what the weight limit was. She was seriously freaked out when we talked and she called her husband to talk about buying a new seat THAT NIGHT.

Now, obviously the carseat came with information, but she'd just forgotten all about it in the time that passed between buying the seat and this moment. And, this was her second child, so really, it was probably the first daughter's seat as well, meaning that a *lot* of time had passed.

It can't hurt to just TALK about things.
post #115 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by dolphinkisser View Post
Wasn't it nice that these parents invited you to their house to sleep over and have the energy to take on an extra child for the night? She opened her home and shared it with you..that is a gift and an honor. Not all parents do that...i know that my kids have sleepovers often and in the morning, I am SO drained that i tell them to eat what is in the cupboard. I hope 20 years from now they appreciate me having them over all the time and having memories of play time and giggling rather than lamenting about the kind of breakfast they got and writing it on a message board many years later.
Yeah, that!
post #116 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by FancyD View Post
Hell's Bells, Finch! I'm really starting to fall for you :
LMAO...

As for the overhead shield carseat thing and how "everybody" should know they're not optimal, well, that's not entirely true either. I have a bachelor's degree, consider myself well educated, am married to an educated man, blah blah blah all that crap. If I hadn't gone to parenting message boards before ds was born, I would have NO idea that overhead shields were not optimal. Seriously. They still make them, and it's what my (educated) sister used for her dd, so before I went to mommy sites I was totally planning on getting one for my ds because they looked easier to use.

So there ya go. If you're not a person who surfs the 'net or goes to mommy websites, it IS possible to really not know that overhead shields aren't great to use.

I think the carseat clinic at the school is a great idea. Pass out flyers and all that, including information where to get financial assistance to purchase better seats. Because as we all know, needing something and having the means to purchase said something are two very different things.

I'm gonna go bury my nose in a book now. Asta la pasta.
post #117 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by avent View Post
I can totally see the OP's point about the food, the car seat, not so much.

I think as a society we have moved away from our children's natural inclinations to eat the right foods. And I say this as someone who really struggled to get my son to eat, so I'm not clueless to the frustration and tears of having a child who doesn't eat much.

But I don't understand the "that's all my child will eat" mentality, I really don't. What would you have done 100 years ago then, before blue applesauce and fruit chews and chicken nuggets? I'm really asking. I feel I can never get a good answer to this question IRL from the "that's all I can get my child to eat" mamas. So I'm asking here.

By the way, research done in the 1930s showed a correlation between the nutrition a child receives and their level of criminal activity. I do think having an adequately fed populace, that receives all of the nutrients needed for healthy human life, affects the levels of things like crime and war. I think people are born knowing instinctively what they need to eat (like all animals) and if we don't provide that somewhere inside they know their needs are not being met and it affects how they feel about society and their place in it. On the surface they are gobbling down swirly applesauce and smiling through sticky teeth, but underneath I think they know they're being ripped off.

Go ahead, rip me to shreds!

ETA: Not that this opinion causes me to say anything aloud to other mamas, I think they should do what they want. But I felt I had to address the "my child eats only this" and the "there's a war going on" parts of the discussion.
that is very interesting. Thank you for sharing that.
post #118 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch View Post
LMAO...

As for the overhead shield carseat thing and how "everybody" should know they're not optimal, well, that's not entirely true either. I have a bachelor's degree, consider myself well educated, am married to an educated man, blah blah blah all that crap. If I hadn't gone to parenting message boards before ds was born, I would have NO idea that overhead shields were not optimal. Seriously. They still make them, and it's what my (educated) sister used for her dd, so before I went to mommy sites I was totally planning on getting one for my ds because they looked easier to use.

So there ya go. If you're not a person who surfs the 'net or goes to mommy websites, it IS possible to really not know that overhead shields aren't great to use.
I think what you wrote bears repeating. Its so easy when you are online to think that everyone is online spending hours doing research but I know plenty of college educated folks who don't research all things parenting related. Many folks rely on instincts and what others have told them, I can easily see where someone might think a overhead shield looks safer and go that route, after all they are being sold so why wouldn't they be safe is probably the logic many folks use.


Shay
post #119 of 235
I think that it comes across very judgemental in the way you worded the title. Low Standards is a judgement. A sigh after that also comes across as judgement to me.
I also disagree witht he notion that if she is feeding her kids certain foods, this means she is ignorant about food. Some people read all about nutrition and then still decide to feed their family a certain way
post #120 of 235
Yep, too judgmental. Applesauce and apple juice in any form are most definitely NOT the worst things she could be feeding them...and at least she does have them in car seats!
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