Gosh really what would I do without all the love and support I find here. I mean it truly helps in all ways imaginable and more. I just love ya'll really...
Anyway-after my last post I actually told dh that I wanted a divorce. Oh mamas I just broke down and cried and cried and cried. I told him that by Oct I was unsure if emotionally I could handle him being in the surgery room for Coras birth-that made HIM emotional and then things got UGLY. Not physical AT ALL but just you know thw whole "I hate your guts" thing and he said some other really hurtful things just basically about how I was on my own for utilities etc and it drove me to the point where I said some really hurtful things and even said I hated him too.
Keep in mind my babies are VERY much asleep-I woudl never-or atleast I would try my damndest to make sure they never heard anything like that. It was so draining. I called his parents and that opened a huge can of worms with MIL, essentially they had nothing to say. I wasnt looking for them to MAKE him do something but TALK to him about taking care of his responsibilities and they wouldnt pretty much. I still love them though. I know its hard as a parent to watch your son struggle in marriage and have 4 kids etc etc etc...I cant imagine.
ANYWAY-the turning point was I called my own mama. I never call her as she worries enough but I just needed support in that moment so I called her and she eventually said put DH on the phone so I did....he went outside....for like a 1/2 hour or so.....I was boiling-more than he was....if he hadnt had (Even with the ugly things he said) if he hadnt had remained calm essentially I would have boiled over outta control I think....my hormones were just CRAZY. So he comes inside-my mom talks to me for a minute just calming me down and all that-its sorta a blur. My head was pounding and I felt nauseaus....of course I thought of the stress for Cora etc. I was still resigned to leaving. DH by this time was apologizing and saying that he would try and handle whatever decision I made though he would never dream of intiating a divorce etc, look at what we have together, reminding me of indeed the good things because they are definetly there, our FOUR children etc etc. HE asked me basically to just take some TIME....he would leave me alone as far as sex etc but asked that I just take some time for me to really think about what I want. This is a fairly new thing for DH considering he is the type to hound me until I make a decision really.
My mama who at first was just like you need to go has now changed her mind. She believes with all the changes DH has already made for me that we need to really just buckle down and make it work, but NOT at the sacrifice of the childrens happiness or mine frankly. SO thats it essentially-thats what I am doing right this moment today is carrying on-taking some time to knit and read and be alone all the while still doing family things etc and seeing where it goes. I LOVE my dh I really truly do....sometimes I wonder if I dont acknowledge a bit of my own depressive state because often things like this (wanting to leave) come out of nowhere. I mean dh didnt DO anything to make me want to leave-it was my MOOD at that point in time. I am not saying that its not a valid feeling but I AM saying I just dont know if I am willing to just let it all go.
I think being sooooo poor and having so many children back to back (not the best idea we are aware) is a MAJOR source of stress....I can only imagine the stress dh feels as our sole bread winner and we essentially DONT make it every month and here comes another. We had Emma 6.5 monthes after we got married and we were married 7monthes after we started dating so we have had no time to just BE together. All of these things I am thinking of as well as just simply how different we are. I have changed quite a bit in these last 5 years. I was only 22 when we met and have become a wife, mother, my spiritual journey has changed, we raised VERY differently blah blah blah.
I DO know that my DH loves me unconditionally and embarassingly enough I am working to see that I give him the same in return. I believe too that he gives me 100% most of the time. Life is just HARD and marriage is hard and sometimes I am quick to react and not very nice mamas-I can be pretty cutting with words. Horrible I know.
So thats it-I am taking time, really looking at my life and my family and whats important and how I can make it WORK with love and not just MANAGE. I WILL NOT stay JUST for the children....I will only stay for love and friendship. I do believe my dh to be along with my mom my best friend. I often wonder what life like without him would be like and I simply dont know or cant rather...we'll see and believe me you will the first to know the progress of yet another journey in my life. I always claim to be a seeker and I am seeking now the right way to live AND love and I am really hoping that I can do all of that while keeping my family intact. I think they ALL deserve the best of what I have to give and I just want to make sure this is the way to give it.
Peace and love mamas.....I feel ya'll really.....peace........