Raising Multiracial Children

[cumulus]

Just finished reading "Does Anybody Else Look Like Me - A Parent's Guide to Raising Multiracial Children." by Donna Nakazawa and have a bunch of questions. Does anybody have experience "play acting," providing scripts, or otherwise preparing their children for the "What are you?" questions and other comments they are likely to get? Has anybody relocated so as to provide their children with a community with children like yours? How do you engender self confidence in your children so they can weather what will confront them.

[Kylix]

cumulus, I haven't read the book nor do I have any children do any role-playing with... BUT I wish that some of these things would have been taken into consideration for me when I was growing up. Role playing for the "What are you?" question would have been great... I grew up in a predominately white area and it was rough. Though, I would be classified as black and not multiracial (though everyone I would think would be technically multiracial), my features suggest otherwise and I was not completely accepted by either the white kids (the vast majority in my school) or the black kids (the minority). I felt very alone.

I'm not sure that I would relocate for my kids. I do want them to grow up in a diverse atmosphere but only certain climates appeal to me. I don't like big cities. Smaller cities are cool but they are usually very white. The country would be fun for a little while but not forever and the suburbs are usually segregated. It's tough.

I do plan to unschool my kids so the school environment might be less of an issue for them but everyday interactions--those matter too.

Kylix

[nikirj]

I'm a "mutt" (my largest portion is 1/16, so yup, I really am a mutt) and DH is a "mutt" and so our kids are what - supermutts?

Anyway, I have trouble figuring out what I "am" so when asked, I always say "a little of everything". That statement is even more true for my children (who in addition to my pacific islander, european, and Russian ancestry also have DH's Asian and - well every other european-type and a few north-african-type ancestries). If they are anything at all, they are mixed. It is something we are intensely proud of. If ever asked to clarify what we are, we look at people like they must be totally nuts - because what does it really matter, anyway? And sometimes we ask if they have time to hear it all :-)

We are blessed to be living in a true melting pot - one where people mix much more readily than elsewhere, even places with more minorities or larger populations - and it is totally not uncommon for people to be mixed ancestry here. This has made it a lot easier for us.

My kids are too young yet to coach them about things like this, but I do intend to let them know that it's great to be mixed (and hey, if at a family get-together you can have poi, enchiladas, won ton, sashimi, and garlic pasta in the same meal, that's one heck of a bonus!).

The only thing that really ticks me off about the whole situation is coming face-to-face with a "check one" instruction, like on applications and surveys - like I can pick just one. Lately, though, most have "mixed" as an option (phew!) which is a lot better than having to say "white" just because if you add up my european ancestry it is more than my pacific islander/native american. Hopefully by the time my kids are filling out census forms and school applications they won't have to pick just one.

[cumulus]

In the book I mentioned, the author interviewed some 60 families as well as asking the experts. She found that many children wish their parents had prepared them for the "real" world that awaited them instead of acting as if color didn't matter.

She also mentioned that there's a federal mandate that all federal and state agencies that receive federal funding change that "check one" thing to "check one or more races" by 1/1/2003. Public schools got an extension till fall 2004.

[USAmma]

I am a "white" American and dh is from India. I think we are doing a pretty good job with dd and have a game plan. She is first and foremost American. She also will know later on that she is Hindu (at least our family is and she'll be raised that way until she's an adult). We live in a suburb in a city that's not as diverse as others I've seen-- but it's better than when we lived in Oklahoma and got racial slurs when we walked on the streets holding hands. We visit India every 2 years or so, so dd will know that side of her culture.

The problem will be not with American society, which is getting more diverse all the time. I think she'll be accepted just fine. I choose to hang out with open-minded moms through our playgroup, and will do the same when she starts homeschooling. THe problem will be with the Indian side. She will be labeled ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) and never be fully accepted as an Indian in Indian culture even if she learns the language and customs. It's just a very close-minded society in a lot of ways, at least in my experience with dh's family in the traditional South. So if she ever choses to identify herself as an Indian she'll have a lot of heartbreak. That's why we have chosen to raise her first and foremost as an American with Indian roots.

Darshani

[Piglet68]

Originally posted by nikirj
If ever asked to clarify what we are, we look at people like they must be totally nuts - because what does it really matter, anyway?

Yup, that's what I do when people ask me any sort of what-I-consider-to-be-stupid question, like "You're still breastfeeding?", or "You sleep with your baby?", etc. It seems to really work!

Cumulus - great thread topic! I love the idea of role-playing, etc. I'm afraid me and DH are white-on-white, so the issue isn't part of our lives. My mother, however, is Eurasian: Chinese/Portugese (Meccanese) on one side and Scottish on the other. She doesn't really look Asian, but she doesn't look white, either. (I'm adopted, so can't claim that mix as my own). I think being mixed is the most interesting of all!

I really believe that with the globe shrinking, mixed races will become more and more the norm. I dream of a world one day, when it will not be considered anything other than a fascinating part of one's own story.

[alie]

Alot of the comfort level with mixed race kids is the environment in which they are raised. In Los Angeles, for example, it's so much more open and accepting, even kind of cool to be mixed, vs. say, the south. As our society is changing rapidly in this respect, it will be interesting to see the changes on a larger level.

[nikirj]

Another side note about community - when we go different places, we are assumed to be different things. When we visit MIL in Seattle, we are assumed to be Mexican. When we visit my grandparents in Wisconsin we are assumed to be part American-Indian (they live very near several reserves). At least here in Hawaii it is better - rarely do people presume to assume anything about our race. It is great to live in a community that is mixed to the point where people realize that you can't make a call based solely on appearance, and usually don't try. So in our community, it really doesn't matter, and I really don't mind teaching my children this. My very fair (for here anyway) skinned, nearly-blond, blue-eyed daughter gets just as many compliments for her beauty as my quite dark, black-haired, dark-brown-eyed son does for his looks - and from the same people. My friends growing up were diverse - as are my siblings'.

I am hoping that the future of the world is further and further mixing. DH and I both believe that this is where we are going, and just LOVE the idea. After all, it seems that in general, mixing races brings out the best in both (keep in mind that genetic diseases - especially recessive ones - tend to strike only those of pure or near-pure ancestry), and further, I believe that we as human beings have a biological drive to mix races (I call it the "exotic factor" - where people that look different from us are "exotic" and therefore more desireable - and yes, this drive is easily over-ridden by taught predjudices). And maybe sometime in the future so many people will be mixed that it really won't matter anymore. Mixed people are certainly the majority where I live - and I'm hoping that will be true in most places very soon. Sadly, majority isn't equal to acceptance, but I really think that in this case, the reason mixed races are becoming more prevalent is that it is becoming more accepted for people to mix, and with that MUST come the idea that it is acceptable to BE mixed, you know? Even if it lags a little.

[eilonwy]

I've been checking "other" on forms for years.. I still remember looking at the one for my state testing in third grade and the teacher saying "Just check white." My mother also acted like it didn't matter and basically ignored the whole thing, and that left my siblings and I to flounder arond and search for ourselves, very confused and isolated.

I lived in an area with lots of people who looked like me, but they were (mostly) hispanic, and were offended that I had the nerve to look like them and not be one of them. : It sucked .

I have no experience with rp or anything like that, but I intend to tell my kids that they are mixed, they have many cultures and heritages that they can call their own, and to always be true to themselves. When someone asks what race they are, they can say "I'm mixed" and move on. I want them to be comfortable with that, and to not feel like their racial background is something to be ashamed of or something to keep hidden. (The way I felt because my mother always ignored it.)

[menudo]

I have taught DD lots of comebacks to the "what are you?" question. She is 6 yo now and people have told her she's white, so she calls her self that. Then the ysee her little brother who is brown skinned and have the nerve to ask if teh yhave different Fathers (NO!). I know some idiots assume her Daddy is that nice man that met her Mommy and is taking care of the girl as his own-ARGH!! People can be so ignorant.

Originally, we were bringng the kids up in NYC (the Bronx) where thsi was no issue-now we are in the burbs-ugh. DH gets the worst b/c he is assumed what he is not too, and people are so offensive about it!

[kamalani]

Our children are Russian, Polish, German, Swedish, Indonesian, and Chinese. they consider themselves "hapa," or "half this and half that."

Not that I've ever done a survey, but it seems to me that there are more people of mixed race around than there are pure what-ever. You're right. It doesn't really matter. We're multi-cultural, but we're just people like everyone else.

I was once at a park with my ds and dd. A man came up to me and asked if they were my children. Then he asked me if I knew who the father was. Now, years later, I can think of wise answers, but at the time, I was floored. Why can't everyone just get along?

[papachee]

I've got a mix of quite a few things in me, and have been taken for anything from Egyptian, Spanish to Inuit.

I just want to convince my children that they are special and beautiful. If they really KNOW that then I think they will be fine.

[miriam]

My best friend had a child with a man who was Hispanic/Black.

He passed on and she raised her boy alone.

She is Jewish; whenever she enrolled her child in school, they asked her what his racial background is for the school's quota - recordmaking requirments, my friend would say,

"What do you need?"

The awful things people do to each other is despicable.

One world, one people please.

[menudo]

A friend of mine is Portugese/German assumed Puert oRican. Her husband is black/Puerto Rican/White/Jewish. His last name is a very common Jewish name, but the ydo know or relate to their Jewish ancestry. He is brown skinned and she is white/tan. their son looks white. Anyway, with the last name I can only imagine my (very loud mouth) friends reactions as her DS enters school and he is categorized as Jewish. Then the "who's his real Dad?" question when Daddy is seen.

We go thru this now as my kids are white (Polish, Irish Frnch, maybe Italian on my side and Mostly Latino Puerto Rican, Dominican, Italian-break down PR/Dominican in to African, Spanish, Native) and our family can "pass" and is assumed so many races/ethnicities/etc. Oddly enough, when I lived in New york I was always assumed Jewish and/or Puerto Rican. Here in Jersye I am often assumed at least part Native American (due to my name) or Puerto Rican-cause the kids are and they assume Dh who is, is not!!!!!!!!!

[CalaLily]

I really dislike the "What am I". There should be more emphasis on "Who am I", not racially, but as a human being.

My children are mixed, asian, and white. My children are NOT catergorized by any race. I'm a firm believe that race is not a factor in a person's life. My children are human beings, and that is what we as parents should be teaching them.

[eilonwy]

Originally posted by CalaLily
I really dislike the "What am I". There should be more emphasis on "Who am I", not racially, but as a human being.

My children are mixed, asian, and white. My children are NOT catergorized by any race. I'm a firm believe that race is not a factor in a person's life. My children are human beings, and that is what we as parents should be teaching them.

That's all well and good, but the fact remains that people will judge you and jump to conclusions based on looks alone. It's all well and good to teach your children that they're human beings, but when you ignore race entirely you're sending the kids a message that you may not intend. Why? Because other people will notice and make comments, and your child needs to be able to respond to them.

My mother spent my whole childhood completely ignoring race. So when people asked me "What are you?" as a small child, all I could do was look at my mother and say "I'm white." People usually laughed. It was awful. I felt like there was something horribly wrong with me, that there was something to be ashamed of because my skin wasn't as pale as my mothers and no one told me otherwise.

For white people, it's very easy to ignore race, because it's not a huge factor in daily life. You don't need to be aware of your race, because people don't look at you and make assumptions based on it (in most parts of this country.) You are the "majority". When you walk into a store, you don't expect security to follow you around. You don't need to cringe internally every time a police car passes your house when you're sitting on the porch. You don't need to be constantly aware of your race, because it's just not part of your life. And that's all well and good, but it does not change the fact that for those of us who aren't white, these things are not the case.

There are places for white people, places for asians, places for blacks where they can feel comfortable and at ease simply by virtue of their skin color and features. Mixed people have to create these places for themselves, but in order to do so they need a sense of identity. Most of the multiracial people I know my own age went through all sorts of things before they sorted out their identities; some of them still haven't. We can, through our struggles, make this process easier for the next generation.

I will not ever ignore the issue with my children. What if they don't look like each other? "How many different daddies do they have?" gets very old very fast. (My sibs and I got this all the time ) They need to know that they are mixed, and that it's a good thing. It's all right not to look like the white kids or the black kids or whatever.

White people, especially those with non white/mixed children need to recognize that there are many privileges accorded to them because of their race, and that these same privileges will not be accorded to their children. That's why it's important to teach them something other than "race is unimportant, it's who you are inside that counts". It's just not realistic. It's not fair, it's not good, but it is the truth.

[CalaLily]

It's all well and good to teach your children that they're human beings, but when you ignore race entirely you're sending the kids a message that you may not intend. Why? Because other people will notice and make comments, and your child needs to be able to respond to them.

I don't need to ignore race, because it doesn't matter. If it does matter to an individual then it's YOUR problem, not mine. My children are being raised to see ALL people as human beings. There is NO problem with that.

White people, especially those with non white/mixed children need to recognize that there are many privileges accorded to them because of their race, and that these same privileges will not be accorded to their children. That's why it's important to teach them something other than "race is unimportant, it's who you are inside that counts". It's just not realistic. It's not fair, it's not good, but it is the truth.

I am asian, thank you very much. I don't live in an insular world in which I believe everyone will be treated exactly the same, but that isn't going to stop me from teaching MY children that there are NO differences between human beings.

For white people, it's very easy to ignore race, because it's not a huge factor in daily life. You don't need to be aware of your race, because people don't look at you and make assumptions based on it (in most parts of this country.)

That is ignorant. You have NO clue what white people's problems are. Just because you don't think they are discriminated against doesn't make it so. They may be the majority is some areas, but that doesn't stop the minority from lashing out at them. You are a good example of that. You probably scoff at the idea that white people ARE discriminated against.

There are places for white people, places for asians, places for blacks where they can feel comfortable and at ease simply by virtue of their skin color and features. Mixed people have to create these places for themselves, but in order to do so they need a sense of identity. Most of the multiracial people I know my own age went through all sorts of things before they sorted out their identities; some of them still haven't. We can, through our struggles, make this process easier for the next generation.

How, by putting more emphasis on race, and keeping each group seperate from the other, instead of teaching people to look beyond the color of someone's skin, you should be teaching your children that we are all human beings and skin color doesn't matter. Because in the end it doesn't.

[nikirj]

Originally posted by eilonwy
That's all well and good, but the fact remains that people will judge you and jump to conclusions based on looks alone.

You know what, the faster we teach our kids that it doesn't really matter and that some people are ignorant of that, the faster they will be able to shrug that kind of thing off. "People" don't judge you based on your race, but a few do put it into their opinion of you at a higher place than things that should be more important. They are far from the majority. The faster our kids learn that their race isn't the important part of what forms their "self", the faster they will be able to shrug off the occassional long stare.

My mother spent my whole childhood completely ignoring race. So when people asked me "What are you?" as a small child, all I could do was look at my mother and say "I'm white." People usually laughed. It was awful. I felt like there was something horribly wrong with me, that there was something to be ashamed of because my skin wasn't as pale as my mothers and no one told me otherwise.

Nobody is saying that they will ignore race to this degree. I for one plan on telling my kids what they are, and that all of the things they are are beautiful and that together, they help make them the unique people that they are. My parents never lectured me about my race - it was a non-issue. I knew I was mixed, and that I was part Hawaiian and part native american and part of a lot of other things, but really, what else is there to say? They never told me that people would not like my being mixed, because you know what? Almost nobody cares. And those that do, if you aren't looking for them to be predjudiced towards you, you usually don't even notice. It is easy to see malice in every long look if you are trained to look for it - and you know, most of the time they're not looking because they disapprove.

I will not ever ignore the issue with my children. What if they don't look like each other? "How many different daddies do they have?" gets very old very fast. (My sibs and I got this all the time ) They need to know that they are mixed, and that it's a good thing. It's all right not to look like the white kids or the black kids or whatever.

Um, my kids look way different. I have never been asked this question out of the blue. I am not a recluse, either - we are out and about a lot. And like I said before, they WILL know that they are mixed and they WILL know it is a good thing. If it comes up in conversation how different the kids look, I start talking about how wonderful it is what great variation you get when your are a mixed-race couple, and how great it is that each child is so unique and such a surprise, and how we are so eagerly looking forward to seeing what the next one will look like :-)

White people, especially those with non white/mixed children need to recognize that there are many privileges accorded to them because of their race, and that these same privileges will not be accorded to their children. That's why it's important to teach them something other than "race is unimportant, it's who you are inside that counts". It's just not realistic. It's not fair, it's not good, but it is the truth.

Actually, I always used to check "asian/pacific islander" on forms when asked, because minorities get a LOT of perks. Higher admission rates to schools, more financial aid money, special consideration for programs, even some programs just for them.

Bottom line - I have lived places where I was assumed white, and been discriminated against. I have lived places where I was assumed non-white, and NOT discriminated against. In high school, I was told I would be discriminated against because I looked very white, but you know what? All I got were a couple of compliments on my eye color (blue - rare for my particular mix) and nothing beyond that. I think we underestimate this generation. There was less discrimination in my generation (I am 23) than there was in my parents', and there will undoubtedly be less discrimination in our childrens' generation than there is in our own.

We do our children a disservice when we lecture them about how they will be downtrodden and discriminated against - because really, what if they aren't? A lot (and I am NOT saying all - please don't misinterpret me) of discrimination is in the eye of the beholder. When we choose to interpret that long stare as hatred, we may be wrong - why not give them the benefit of the doubt? When we aren't constantly living in a cloud of doubt, always mistrusting others' motives, maybe we will be better equiped to let go of the few genuine instances of discrimination that do occur. And we let these things go, why? Because it is good for US to let them go. We need to be able to live relaxed lives, and holding on to this kind of hatred only does us harm.

Of course, this is just my take on things. Our own approaches to our races are as individual as we are. Everyone comes to terms with things their own way. But I for one plan not to help my children build up anger against unnamed people by teaching them that they will be stepped all over by others - rather, I will teach them the beauty of their mixed nature, and let them come to terms with things on their own beyond that.

[Piglet68]

I'm a bit concerned about the tone of this thread. I hope the discussion can continue without anybody feeling hurt/offended. Please let me know if you do feel that way, by PM and not by posting it to the thread. Thanks.

[eilonwy]

I think you guys should congratulate yourselves for living in such open-minded places, but realize that not everyone does.

I speak from my own experiences. I'm not talking about "long looks", I'm talking about *comments*. Not someone staring at my hair. I know it's strange to see someone with dark skin and red hair, and it looks really interesting. That's fine. I'm talking about perfect strangers walking up to me and saying "So, you and your sisters all have different fathers, what's that like for you?" or "If you had been born in 1860, they would have drowned you because you look too white." and other such things. I could go on and on. You've never heard them? Your kids never have either? Good for you! You live in a much better world than I do. The fact remains that while being mixed is much "cooler" now, in the place (Pennsylvania) and time (80's/90's) when I grew up not only was it uncool, it was considered downright nasty.

I never said that only minorities experience racism, and I never said that only white people are capable of it. The first racist comment I ever heard was from two little black girls who didn't want to play with me because "We don't play with white children." And some of the nastiest comments I've gotten have been from black people. A lot of them seem to think that I think I'm better than they are because I have red hair that's long and moves when the wind blows. A lot of white people think that I think I'm almost as good as they are becasue I have red hair that moves when the wind blows, and they feel the need to dissuade me.

It's not that I intend to teach my kids that everyone is a racist and that they'll be opressed, but they do need to understand why they won't automatically be accorded the privileges that some of their friends/cousins/siblings are. When my child asks me why the security guy is following me around in the store, or why I won't wear my hair curly if I have to drive anywhere I will explain it to them. Maybe driving while black isn't a crime where you live, but in Lancaster PA it certainly is.

This is what *I* have lived with. I'm glad that you've never been asked "How many fathers?", but please don't blow me off for telling you that it happens, because I'VE HEARD THIS MANY TIMES. Not all of us get to live with open minded people. Some of us are stuck in backwards redneck farm country.