Is this normal

[mommy2boys]

I am so lost in all of this. We've been taking ds to speech therapy at school but since school is on break right now we are waiting until school starts again. The school pyschiatrist so far has determined ds has high functioning autism. I am going to take him to the pediatrition soon to further things along. he is 3 right now and i don't know if this is behavior because he could have autism or behavor from being 3. Ok now getting to the point.
He does not seem to have any regard for anyone else. We cannot let him and my 1 year old ds play alone together at all. Every time we do my 1 year old ends up injured. We sometimes watch without him knowing and he is vicious to him. He hits, kicks, bites without being aggrivated. We are a very non violent family, we don't spank at all. When he does this I tell him how this hurts him but he doesn't seem to care. I can't even get him to look at me (he does make eye contact about 50% of the time). He will roll his eyes at me. He does sometimes show that he cares he hurts, if he steps on my foot he will say sorry and kiss it better, but he only apologizes if its an accident.
I feel like such an awful parent, I can't get my child to stop being violent. Any time I tell my 1 year old no or remove him from the situation, ds1 gets so excited. I often wonder if he is jealous. I try and spend lots of one on one time with him, but he really does enjoy playing by himself and doesn't seem to want me there half the time. I am trying to read everything I can about all this but feel so blind. I am terrified that the military docs won't see him as severe so will just brush it off (and perscribe motrin). Sorry this turned so long, I just am so overwhelemed by all of this.

[jdross]

M2B-My heart goes out to you. My ds is 8 now, recently diagnosed with PDD-Nos, NLD, and possible bi polar disorder. I could relate to your post in so many ways. I think it's most important that you go with your gut instinct, even if it tells you something's amiss, and follow it. It's hard to say what's in the realm of normal behavior, but I sense you feel there IS something going
on and you need support. My situation is different, but I have been in that questioning place for years. I wanted so much to believe my son's teacher (waldorf school-we've known her for years) that he was "fine". All the while I knew he wasn't, and now we know. Your ds already has a diagnosis-maybe following up with the military docs isn't such a great idea. It sounds like you are feeling bad and trying to handle a difficult situation all by yourself.
Are there any other resources available to you for the summer? For me I am needing other moms/families with special needs kids who can really understand my vulnerability as my son's mom-like when we can't get out the door because Jake is in the middle of a full blown rage attack.

Big Hugs!

[khrisday]

He does not seem to have any regard for anyone else

Is this "normal"? No
Is this "normal" for a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder- Yes

Kids with ASD's don't develop the mind blindness that alows them to truly understand that another person is a seprate entity and has different feeligns and ideas like other kids do when they are toddlers. (I'm not saying never, but not in the same time frame that other kids do)
Violent behavior is very common in thse kids, and while it's not acceptable and something that needs to be worked on, don't feel like you're a bad parent because it's happening.
This site has everything about everything about Autism,. and a nice message board:
www.bbbautism.com

[heartmama]

Hmmm.

Well, if you mean he truly never has any regard for anyone else... that doesn't sound normal. But you did say he says sorry and kisses you if he accidentally hurts you, and that sounds really perceptive on his part.

You described my ds perfectly when he was 18 mos -2 years and 3/4. And he doesn't have autism.

We never spanked or hit, but he seemed to lack a regard for other people much of the time at that age. He would hit and shove and hurt playmates (and us) for no reason at all. All the time. When I talked to him about it I never seemed to get through.

Ds outrgew this by 3, after we had been working on it for a long, long time.

Sorry if this isn't more helpful. I just wanted to point out that the actual behaviour *can* happen in a child who is not autistic. I think with ds, he had many traumatic medical procedures done to him by the time he was 18 months old (heart related) and he may have just not known how to process it all.

But I have talked with moms of kids with *no* medical history, and they went through this too.

I guess if I saw a child doing this still by 4 or 5, I would be more comfortable saying "Okay, probably not normal". I just can't say by 3.

I agree that you should go with your instinct. If you really feel an overall lack of connectedness, I would check that out. When ds wasn't being aggressive, I did feel very connected with him. So maybe that is a better way to assess your situation with your ds? Not just that behaviour (awful that it is), but the overall relationship?