little boy blues

[crsta33]

I've had in my mind, since this was a totally unexpected pg, that as long as the baby is a girl, everything would work out fine. But the u/s Tues confirmed that we are having a boy and I've been a wreck ever since.

I have transient tachycardia that is generally aggravated by pg, but I'd really done well until now, I've had a rapid heartrate since Tue night. I'm having trouble sleeping and I just feel so sad. : And then I feel guilty b/c I don't want this little person to ever think that he wasn't wanted.

I distinctly felt the disconnect happen when the tech told us it was a boy. I think I would have run into this roadblock at some point even if it had been a girl...I didn't want to be pg, I don't want to birth again and those are things I've got to deal with no matter the sex of the child. I just keep thinking how shallow I am to be upset that this baby is a boy.

Christa

[mama2rey]

s I'm sorry that you are disapointed. I'm sure that you will soon feel more of a connection.

[Ms. B. Sprout]

, mama.

[bumblebeej]

I felt this same way with my second pregnancy. I was just so upset with myself that I got pg again, when we had wanted to wait. I was all of 20 years old and I didn't know how I would ever love another baby. The good news is, around 22 weeks the cloud lifted and I fell in love with them! I had 2 for the price of 1.

Just hang in there a couple more weeks and see if your feelings don't change. And don't beat yourself up over not feeling the greatest just yet! It happens lots, I'm sure. Every pregnancy is different and brings about different feelings.

[kirk_heidi]

I agree with the other posters. I feel very disconnected and sometimes wish this wouldn't have happened right now. It can be really hard. I am sure it will change though because we do love our kids.

[MCKH]

I think it's normal for mamas to want a little girl. Please don't worry. You know you will adore your little boy once he's here, and soon you will wonder what you ever did without him.

I know I will need some time to adjust if this child is a boy - that's why I think we need to find out the sex. I so very much want my daughter to have a sister close in age, and I feel like I am a total "girl mom," but if that isn't going to happen I need time to let go. OF COURSE what we all want primarily is a healthy little baby, but we also have expectations that sometimes don't come true. It's okay to be disappointed, but I think it helps to focus on all the cute, fun and wonderful things you will be enjoying about your son 5 or 6 months from now!

[Belleweather]

I also felt really depressed when we found out our last pregnancy was a boy babe and not a girl. I just all of a sudden felt like "Holy crap... what do I do with THIS?" since I had sisters and girl cousins and didn't have any idea what to do with a boy, and then got down on myself for being unexcited and pissed, which just made it a big old nasty reinforcing problem.

Be gentle with yourself -- the thing about finding out the sex before birth is that you have to mourn the little baby of the sex you're NOT having before you can get excited about the one you ARE having. Some of us have to mourn more than others, and that's totally okay. Give yourself some space to just feel whatever you have to feel whether it's logical or rational or okay or not. It will pass. You've got plenty of time to get excited about your son.

[mama_b]

I'm in the same boat. I SO wanted another girl. I really want my dd to have a sister. My brother and I are exactly the same age apart as my dd and this little boy will be. My brother and I have no relationship and we had a terrible relationship growing up. It's really hard to think about that cycle repeating with my kids. I know it doesn't have to, but the concern is there. And then I feel guilty because I also don't want my little boy to think he's not wanted and I really truly am happy that he's healthy. So you're not alone.

[AGlimmeringHope]

((()))

I'm kind of worried I'll be like that if this baby is a girl. I love my dd and cherish everyday with her, but I want a boy so bad this time. It's one of the reasons I am considering finding out the sex of the baby beforehand. So I can adjust to whatever sex the baby is.

[crsta33]

Thanks Mamas. I'm still sad, but feeling a little less guilty about it. Thanks for being encouraging and supportive...that's what I really need right now.

Christa

[SheBear]

Hugs, Christa! I do understand what you mean, and I hope you will be able to find peace about it.....and above all, give yourself a break! LOL! Your ambivalent feelings at this stage are NOT going to rub off on your baby and ruin him for life, LOL!

With my youngest, EVERYONE was convinced he was a girl. I could never quite imagine the baby in my tummy as a girl, but I wasn't confident enough to say "I think it's a boy". Plus, I sorta wanted a girl, to name after my grandmother who had just passed away. So, I allowed myself to be at least half-convinced that it was a girl.

We didn't find out until he was born, and we were really--all of us--quite shocked. We hadn't even given a whole lot of consideration to boy names....we'd tossed around a couple that would be "fine" but hadn't put the heartfelt thought into it as we had girl names. When he was born, both of us had to make a big adjustment, emotionally and mentally.

But to tell the truth, that adjustment period took all of about 5 minutes! Then he was at my breast, and grasping my finger, and I honestly couldn't even remember our family without him!

This time, I am seriously longing for another girl, and I really do think I'm carrying a girl. Hard to say how much of that is intuition and how much is just wishful thinking though. The likelihood is that we will not find out before the birth. If something indicated the need for a U/S, I would probably try to find out, but otherwise, we won't plan a U/S. I go back and forth between thinking that it would be better to find out ahead of time if it is NOT a girl (so I have time to "prepare", as mentioned above), and thinking that it will be easier to not find out until it is born, so that if I do not have the girl of my heart, then I will at least have a sweet new boy in my arms to comfort me.

The truth is, I suppose, that either way I will fall headlong in love with the child of my womb, and while I may be shocked and confused for awhile, I won't--ultimately--be disappointed. They just have a way of getting under your skin and burrowing right into your heart, don't they?

[tammyswanson]

Read this and had to let you know...I didn't plan on getting pregnant ever! Then I thought I'd be having a girl...found out it was a boy and I was disappointed because it seems they are so much trouble.... The US tech said that most people are dissapointed when they find they are having girls...she said that some husbands/boyfriends have actually walked out of the room when they found out! People told me that boys are 'less expensive' than girls and they are 'easier' sometimes. I don't know, haven't had him yet! Sounds like your hormones might be a problem too.

Are you stressed by other stuff as well? That could be a problem too.

[DucetteMama21842]

Hugs mama! I'm sorry it's hard news to adjust to for you. I'm sure in time you'll be able to fall in love with your little one. I thought my whole last pregnancy that I was having a girl and didn't find out it was a boy until the announced it as he was born. It was hard for me to adjust to... and I think that it would be nice to deal with it and heal from the shock during pregnancy than after birth. I loved my son dearly, but I felt like the little girl I had waited for was missing all the time. It was weird and made me really prepared to be able to accept either gender this time around. I just don't want to have to go through that again. So HUGS! You can do it mama!

[Momma2DoubleCuties]

I just had to comment and say that boys have a very special bond with their mommas, I don't have any girls (yet) so I can't say that a bond wouldn't be there, but my boys love me in a different way than they love their dad. I really love it and it is such a special bond we have that I wouldn't change for the world.

[Quindin]

I think it was a great thing you got to found out the gender so much ahead of time then -- gives you time to get used to the idea

It is not unusual for women to feel disappointed that they are not having the gender they wanted, so don't beat yourself up about it. You will love your little man when you meet him

ETA - I am a mom of 1 girl and 3 boys. This will be our last baby, so I am kinda hoping for a girl, though I have a feeling this will be boy #4 - it just makes picking a name a bit hard when we already used all the ones we agreed on :

[crsta33]

Thanks again everyone. There have been times I've half regretted the u/s. I really did have it so I *would* be able to "get over it" if it was a boy before he got here, but here lately I've been thinking if I had just waited until he was born then I wouldn't have been so upset by having a boy since I'd actually be holding him. I don't know...it's probably not best to 2nd guess things and I really do think it's better for dd to know now...she really thought she'd get a sister and is still coming to terms with having another brother.

I have one girl and one boy...and I have to say that the boy is more laid back, has an "easier" personality, and is a cuddlebug...so maybe there is some truth to what "they" say about boys.

Christa

[cravenab00]

i have been in this boat. My last pregnancy, i was completely convinced it was a girl. I had severe morning sickness, which i only had with my DD, not my boys. Not to mention i wanted a girl SOOOOOO bad. And then at the ultrasound, I saw those little boy parts on that screen. And I just about lost it. I managed to compose myself long enough to get into the car, and then I just bawled. It was almost like a lost a little girl. It took me a bit to get over it. But my DS #3 is such a joy! I couldnt picture life any different. And I really think I learned something from the whole experience. And I truly am prepared, and excited for which ever gender we have this time. There are reasons I want a girl, and reasons I want a boy. We aren't finding out this time. Just wanted to say I have been there, and your feelings are totally normal and valid. hug:

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by tammyswanson

Read this and had to let you know...I didn't plan on getting pregnant ever! Then I thought I'd be having a girl...found out it was a boy and I was disappointed because it seems they are so much trouble.... The US tech said that most people are dissapointed when they find they are having girls...she said that some husbands/boyfriends have actually walked out of the room when they found out! People told me that boys are 'less expensive' than girls and they are 'easier' sometimes. I don't know, haven't had him yet! Sounds like your hormones might be a problem too.

Are you stressed by other stuff as well? That could be a problem too.

Good spork that's crazy!!!

My family is a mostly-boy family. I have ~20 male cousins, and I was the only female cousin for a LONG time. My aunts all had boys, and when my mother was pg she didn't even consider that I might have been a girl! But I know that they were all disappointed forever about being unable to have girls (they all have 4 kids or so).

Now I am going to have my 3rd dd and I have 3 brothers. I think my son is very disappointed at being outnumbered!

[A&A]

I think part of the societal "disconnect" with boys is that there is the expectation of circumcision........which does impair the natural mother/son bond.

Personally, I found the act of standing up to society (and ignorant doctors) and leaving my son intact hugely empowering, and that went a long way toward bonding with my son.

This essay explains it well:

http://www.noharmm.org/feminist.htm

[guest9921]

I agree AA, but thats only a tiny part of it.


I have had a rough relationship with my mother, I suppose one could say 'rough' is the understatement of the century.
I originally wanted a little girl (as our first), and I believe it was a non-so-conscious way to heal myself from my already lost mother-daughter relationship.

I wanted to love that little girl like I had never been loved.

Also - DP has an older sister, and it shaped him into a very women-respecting man. I wanted a gentle little guy, someone to follow his big sisters lead.

We found out in the u/s that it was a boy, and I almost cried. I wasn't too thrilled. What really threw salt in my wounds was my DP was on deck with me, and wanted a girl first as well - but everyone we ran into, all they had to say was "Boy I bet your husband is so glad its a boy.." yadda yadda.
It felt like this little girl that never existed wasn't seen as equal to her male counterpart - and that just grated at me. (Still does.)

I had my boy, and I've realized that, though he has many 'boy' qualities - most of him is just a little person. His gender is not who he is.

This time around - though a girl would be nice, so would a little boy. I have brothers who are SO close, (live together, do everything together) and would love that for my children.


mama, I relate to your sadness.