turned down by doula

[NikkiTwist]

So... I've been calling doulas around Indianapolis, trying to find one for my birth. There aren't really that many and one of them is Stellimamo who is due right after me. I finally found a couple different women online and chatted with them. One of them is due in October and not taking any new new clients for a while. The other one seemed perfect! She was young and vibrant and seemed totally ok with us being a female couple and my VBAC. We chatted for a while about our children and hospitals and we set up an appointment to meet in a few weeks. This was about a week ago. Today I got an email.

"Nikki, I have talked it over with my husband and I have decided to cancel our appointment. I don't think that it will work. I hope your Birth is successful, Thank you for your interest."

While I don't want to work with anyone who has an issue with my lifestyle or me in general... I was really upfront with the initial email and even more so on the phone. I can only imagine this has to do with us being a lesbian couple, because well, there wasn't really anything else that it could be. Bah.
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.... we've been totally lucky with this pregnancy in that our OBGYN has been great, the hospital staff has been great, people have been great and this kind of feels like a slap in the face. :

[kathywiehl]

That could mean any number of things. You don't know what is going on in her personal life. Maybe her husband is interviewing in other cities and she may have to move before you are due or maybe she just had a miscarriage and wants to take time off from doula work. Maybe she had a bad experience with your chosen hospital or midwife....Whatever the reason is, there is no need to suspect that you have anything to do with it and she really doesn't owe you an explanation, especially if she's going through some troubling times right now.

[painefaria]

Nikki...
Not to talk negatively about doulas but think of this as a blessing! My partner and I did a natural childbirth class called the Bradley Method "Husband Coached Childbirth" (yeah I know). It is a little antiquated but the techniques are amazing. It is a 12 week commitment. We would definately recommend it. This class will teach you and your partner how to do this without a Doula. I was able to go medication free during a longer induced labor with the coaching of my DP. The methods that we learned were invaluable. If your partner is up to it, it may be the best thing that you can do for your DS and your relationship!! We also live in a VERY conservative area, Amish country , and we found an awesome instructor that was wonderful. www.bradleybirth.com to find a instructor near you!

[kathywiehl]

Sarah, you don't happen to live in PA, do you? If so was your bradley instructor Marlene?

[DucetteMama21842]

Originally Posted by kathywiehl

That could mean any number of things. You don't know what is going on in her personal life. Maybe her husband is interviewing in other cities and she may have to move before you are due or maybe she just had a miscarriage and wants to take time off from doula work. Maybe she had a bad experience with your chosen hospital or midwife....Whatever the reason is, there is no need to suspect that you have anything to do with it and she really doesn't owe you an explanation, especially if she's going through some troubling times right now.

As a Bradley Method Doula, I agree with this. Sometimes it's just that I think I can squeeze someone in and decide after the interview that maybe I shouldn't push it, and there are some providers in my area that I have to keep my mouth shut about- and prefer NOT to work with. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time finding a doula right now... and I will cross my fingers that you find one soon- but maybe think of it as a blessing. This doula might have too much going on to be able to help you the way you deserve. You never know.

Also,
I am a Bradley Instructor here... and I just want to note that yes, it will prepare you and your partner more than most childbirth classes... however, we do support doulas/assistant coaches... and they are of great benefit. Just wanted to add that in.

[MCKH]

That sounds disappointing, and I'm sorry However, I *always* think it is best not to assume things are personal (esp. when pregnant and emotional!) They almost never are. I hope you find someone that works out for you - luckily we have plenty of time. Sounds like that girl just wasn't "the one."

[painefaria]

no, our bradley instructor was Shanna Filizilli

[lisarussell]

amen on the Bradley suggestion. we used it for baby #1 and used whatever we remembered for the rest of the kids (expecting #6)

Bradley is good- amazing, highly recommended. I think if your partner is a female, you'll have double good chances with a Bradley birth because men really sometimes just don't get it!

I think one reason they have "husband-coached" of course, is because husbands are usually the partners, but because when the method was developed men weren't traditionally even allowed in the delivery room, so they gave them this role of "coach" a masculine-authoritative sounding word, in order to help their likeliness of being included by the medical staff. that was always my impression.

[weliveintheforest]

At least she didn't waste any more of your time... I hope you find someone you click with soon!

[GinaRae]

The very vague let down seems odd. I would have at least given a reason! I can see why you feel this is because of your lifestyle, and that stinks. I hope you can either find someone else soon or find another route that makes you feel good going into this birth. We're not usinag a doula because I have two midwives (and unless there's another woman in labor, both will be there), and I have had enough births I think I am okay. Part of it is also the expense and the thought of having yet one more person there. However, hopefully you find what works best for you!

[megadoula]

You might want to look up your local ALACE or DONA website and look for a doula in training. They are usually free or you just have to pay for their expenses. If you told the original doula that you are lesbian and she did not have a problem with it then that is probably not the problem. As a doula you have to make sure that you can devote all of your attention to your clients and that is tricky sometimes. I once had a client who for a medical reason needed more attention. She was my first client so the other one's I had to let go. I could not explain this to them but I did find them other great alternatives. Hang in there.