DP doesn't understand... Updated

[guest9921]

why I wouldn't want to tell anyone the sex if we found out beforehand.

To his credit - I'm not really sure why I don't want people to know, other than it feels like an intrusion into my womb. I feel like, this is my time with this baby alone, and I'd rather keep it private and intimate.
I resented people having preconceived notions of how my son would be before he was born - "oh, you're going to have a little feisty one." Etc.

Also - I'd be sensitive to comments about the sex - as we have a boy now, if we are having another boy - I'd hate for people to do the "Oh, well, you guys can try again" comment or worse, if we have a girl "Well, now you're done."

DP doesn't like to be 'secretive'. We had a mild disagreement about this, this morning - he claims if his parents asked, he would tell them. To me, I find that to be disrespectful if I've previously stated my wishes to have it be private until the birth.

I may be being sensitive about this, and I may also be missing something - there may be another reason that I'm just unaware of at the moment.

Eh.

[Tiny_Dancer]

You have some really good points. I love the idea of a surprise. I even like keeping my pregnancy a secret for as long as possible at the beginning. It feels kind of magical to me if me and Dh are the only ones who know. Of course Dh wants to tell EVERYONE!!!

But for your situation I just wanted to suggest that all the comments you are dreading are just as likely to come when the baby is born anyway. Maybe it's better to get all the ignorant comments and commentary of others out of the way now and not hear it when you're PP. (I am personally a hormonal wreck pp.: )

Just my .02. good luck!!

[candykane]

Tiny dancer is right, you are just as likely to hear stupid comments after the baby is born as you are before. But I agree, this is your special private time with your baby. I had 3 sonograms before our last son was born and was told each time it was a girl. We were ALL truly surprised! Try to come to a compromise with him, so you can both enjoy this special time.

[SheBear]

I hear ya, Katfka! Personally, I like a bit of secrecy, myself. I like knowing what no one else does. It's strange--dh did not want to tell anyone about this pregnancy for the *longest* time! We just told our families about 2 weeks ago! It was actually starting to get on my nerves....I wondered if he was in denial, or ashamed, or embarrassed, or what. I still don't know why he chose to wait so long.

But as far as gender, IF we were going to be finding out, he'd be the first to tell. And names.....I love to discuss name options with him, but I'd prefer to keep it between the two of us. He can't stop his mouth from blabbing.

I think what it comes down to for him, is he would never never never even *think* to tell a lie, especially to his family members. So if they ask "is it a boy or girl" or "what are you gonna name it" he just can't imagine fibbing. However, he cannot bring himself to say "We're keeping it a secret" either. He thinks that's rude. So, we're better off not finding out the sex, then he's off the hook! And as far as names, we just have to keep enough names on the "short" list that he can truthfully say, "We haven't decided yet. We have several names we are considering."

[DucetteMama21842]

I totally understand not wanting to share the information with other people... sometimes it's just nicer to have the time to plan for yourself without anyone else's preconceived notions...

No real advice here, I just hope you and DH can come to a compromise.

[Ceinwen]

Warning - vent!

This is such a piss off to me.

When I found out what we were having with my dd, we told our parents under the agreement that they would NOT NOT NOT tell anyone else. My mother was very appreciative of the fact that I did not want sixty million things in frills and pink, and kept her mouth shut.

My dad - well, he's oblivious at best.

Now, dp's parents....... : My sister found out I was having a girl from one of Ryan's second cousins who went to her school.

Apparently that night, his mother called EVERYONE and told them. She just couldn't keep the exciting news to herself. :

Needless to say, I channeled all of my pregnancy frustration onto this one subject, and she received a blast I think she's unlikely to forget.

This time we won't be finding out; plus dp now knows I will willingly kill him if he tells his parents anything of consequence.

[weliveintheforest]

I wouldn't want anyone else to know either - it's a private thing until your child is born! I'm the same with names this time around, I'm not sharing because I don't want people's opinions, and because I feel like I want to keep my baby to myself until it is born - even if that sounds wierd and selfish, its true.

[ohiomommy1122]

well DH and I know its a girl and a few friends but thats it, I'm not sure we are going to tell anyone else. I just dont want to get bombarded w/ clothes we have enough already! It seems if people do not know what you are having they wont buy a ton of clothes. I dont know I may change my mind!

[guest9921]

I had an ultrasound yesterday - it was primarily to see where my placenta was - for my own peace of mind. (Planning home birth, UC.)

Everything looked great - the ultrasound technician seemed kind of thrown off by my specific questions. ("How many vessels does the cord have?" "Where is the placenta exactly?" "What is the head diameter?") At first I thought this was because, maybe I was an oddity to ask the questions.
I realized a bit later that I was putting her on the spot, if something Were to look fishy, I was putting her in a position where she couldn't defer that responsibility to my OB.

Everything looks great - though thats not a guarantee, of course.


And... Its a Boy. Admittedly, there was a few moments of surprise and a dash of disappointment, but I'm pretty excited. A brother for my son! Another boy for me!
DP is very excited too - but he expressed quite a bit of disappointment. (Not mourning the boy, but he just Really wants a girl.)

I really am thrilled its a boy. The sex of the baby was almost irrelevant to me this time, I would of been disappointed a tiny bit if it were a girl even.
Anyways, DP said to me, "Well, the next one will have to be a girl, otherwise we're having four children." Which made me ecstatic. He had threatened that we were 'done', and though he values boys to the utmost - he wants a girl in our family as well. (So he's the one who made the silly "We'll have another" comment, at least I know how respectful he is of the life we're sharing together.)

He's also excited that the baby has his button nose, that you can clearly see on our U/S photo. DS has it as well.

At this point, I just decided to get over my silliness - and cherish this pregnancy in other intimate ways. The world can know he's a male - as long as they leave this womb time to me.


ETA: They changed my due date once more, they keep pushing it back. I believe its sooner, but am entirely fine with the paperwork saying I'm due a week or so after. Dec 27th for us. So kiss that tax return goodbye. Oh vell.

[Jenlaana]

I'm from the October DDC so please forgive my intrusion... but congratulations on your upcoming boy!

As for not wanting to tell vs DP wanting to tell... I understand where you are coming from tremendously. But it IS his child too, and it sounds like he is just so excited that he doesnt want to have to keep it to himself. That he's that excited is very cute to me. My DH wanted a boy this time (and last time) but we have 2 girls, and I understand the whole pressure to tell people from that angle too. DH has been planning on having a son and naming it after his brother (who I dont like so much and would not let him name our baby after regardless ) since they were kids, so the sex of the baby is important to them in that regard.

[guest9921]

No intrusion, .

Its odd, it wasnt that he was overly excited, its much larger than that. He doesnt believe we should ever have 'secrets' (as he puts them) from his family. (I dont bellieve they're secrets, just personal exclusions.)
His theory envelopes finances and other semi-family-personal things.

Though it Is his child, this is my "marriage", my family, my tribe. I have a right and should have a say in whats agreed upon in our family, just as he does.

Our issue is - if he doesn't distinctly see my point, and its coming from an emotional maternal place - somewhere he can't relate to entirely - if he doesnt see it, he will not respect it. At times, he will dismiss it. It's something we're actively working on - and healing.

Thankfully, he most often Does see where I'm coming from, and he does fiercely respect it. Its just a few things.


Anyways - the silly thing is... Now that he knows the sex, he says he feels more connected to him, and now he wants to keep it between us when it comes to family. :



-----
ETA : I was also really surprised at how supportive he was in the OBs office with me. He loves our OB as much as I do (as much as you can love an OB at a very intervention filled hospital.)
I came at her with a few dozen questions - ranging everywhere to exactly what the policy was on how I could stand to birth, what I could do to enforce that with other physicians, and keep their sticky paws off of me (she laid it out there that the chance of having here was slim to none. 15%.) To small things like, not letting anyone touch my son or I, unless there was a medical necessity. (Had an awful time with nurses coming in and asserting themselves on my body/baby.)

Some of the questions were quite confrontational, to the point, and in her face (in a respectful way, of course.)
DP is very strongly against confrontation. (Another one of our issues.)

And he backed me up, questioned her on other logical things, and when we even left her office - he said something along the lines of "Thats great how flexible and supportive she is, but its not like we're going to be delivering in the hospital anyways."

[I expected him to come at me with, "See, she's willing to do things how you would like them, things wouldnt be so bad." He still contends it was a good experience, but when my OB asked the question, "Well it wasn't all that bad, was it?" He stuck up for me, and said "There were a lot of pushy nurses, and a lot of things we would of changed." Now with more education he seems to realize and understands that babies aren't meant to be born in hospitals.]