how to handle this 5yo behavior

[chrissy]

nak
i am at a loss. my 5 yo (will be 6 in nov) is *super* competitive. a neighbor little boy was just over and they were racing- on bikes and on foot- and my son lost. so he freaks out, crying, throwing himself on the ground, pulling at the bushes. surprise surprise the neighbor kid wants to go home. i tell noah that if he pulls at the bushes again he's going inside. so he starts pushing the bushes. inside he goes, screaming all the mean things that he can think of at me- "shut up mommy, you're the meanest mommy" all the mean things his 5 yo boy mind can think of.

how would you handle this?

ps- this kind of thing happens maybe once a week or so with him.

[chrissy]

help.

[silly_scout]

Could you teach him a really simple "quick" game like tic-tac-toe? Here's what I'm thinking: if you teach him a game that you can play with him several times in a row, you can teach him a valuable lesson - throw a couple rounds and let him win, and win yourself a couple rounds. Maybe he'll see that losing isn't the end of the world and that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
As for hitting the bushes, I think you did the right thing. Maybe next time DS wants to see the neighbor friend, you could be like, "oh he didn't want to come over today because he didn't want you to get mad again." Obviously, don't "take" the friend away completely, but this might be a good natural consequence.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by chrissy

nak
i am at a loss. my 5 yo (will be 6 in nov) is *super* competitive. a neighbor little boy was just over and they were racing- on bikes and on foot- and my son lost. so he freaks out, crying, throwing himself on the ground, pulling at the bushes. surprise surprise the neighbor kid wants to go home. i tell noah that if he pulls at the bushes again he's going inside. so he starts pushing the bushes. inside he goes, screaming all the mean things that he can think of at me- "shut up mommy, you're the meanest mommy" all the mean things his 5 yo boy mind can think of.

how would you handle this?

ps- this kind of thing happens maybe once a week or so with him.

hey chrissy, i don't know if this would have a different outcome or not, but it seems like he was really upset and just needed to be angry. i think it may have added insult to injury a little by making him go inside. i hope that doesn't come across offensive to you, because i'm just speculating here.

what i mean is, for whatever reason he wanted to *win* and he is very competitive. he obviously felt very disappointed and kinda blew his cool. the neighbor left (which was a natural consequence for his behavior) but maybe you could have just let him vent after the kid left. maybe tried talking to him or just listening...., hugging him, acknowledging his disappointment, yk? i know my dd really went through this competitive type phase, and i would play cards with her or games often. i would make sure she would win, but i would also make sure she would lose. when she would feel disappointed or angry about losing, we'd talk about it and work through it together. now when she plays with friends, she can be a good sport about losing. i know that may not seem incredibly honest, but i wanted my dd to have a safe place to really learn that losing isn't really losing, yk? it's okay to be happy for someone who did something well. anyway, i know others will chime in with great advice. big hugs to you, mama.

[chrissy]

thanks you guys.

we do the let him win sometimes/lose sometimes thing with us. he gets pissed off pretty much every time we win. this has been going on for a long time. we have had so many discussions about it and it just doesn't go away. sometimes he is better at it, sometimes worse.

elizawill, i see what you mean. i appreciate your response totally and didn't feel like you were being offensive at all. i really really am looking for honest answers, even if they criticize me some. maybe you are right, that we shouldn't have gone in. i don't know. he knows that he is not supposed to damage plants and he did it anyway, even after i asked/told him not to.

how would you guys handle the name calling (by him, to me when he was up in his room)? i took lots of deep breaths and didn't say much while he was up there doing it, then we talked about it when he calmed down. that kind of makes me feel like a doormat though and i don't think it really teaches him not to do it again, you know?

[elizawill]

hey chrissy,
i think there is a big difference (for me anyway) when my child is really upset or embarassed and is taking it out on me....or if my kids are genuinely just mad at me and being disrespectful. for example, today my dd was playing a game with my niece, and i asked her about it in front of her cousin....well my comment to my dd i guess really embarassed her for whatever reason, so she starts crying and getting so mad at me that she hit my arm. normally, i would NOT accept this at all, but i was able to see it for what it was. i had embarassed her. she didn't need me to discipline her at that moment, she needed me to hug her. i picked her up and i hugged her and whispered in her ear "i'm sorry that i embarassed you". she said "i'm sorry i hit you, mommy".

i think your son was yelling at you today because he was SO angry and the situation had just escalated to that. he wasn't really ticked off at you at all. it sounds like he was mad because he first-off lost the race, then his friend went home, and then he had to come inside.....you were an easy target, yk? when my kids are that angry, i let us all cool down before i try to talk reasonable. it's too frustrating to try and reason with someone angry. anyway, after he calmed down is when i would have talked to him. i would have addressed what he felt he needed from me, and i would have addressed and validated his disappointment in losing....and i would have told him that his comments hurt my feelings. i would have hugged him...kissed him...and made up....if he was open to it, i would have even talked about his losing and why that was so hard for him. i dunno, does this make any sense???