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Why can't she like Polly Pocket and other froo froo stuff? - Page 2

post #21 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by WalkingByFaith View Post
This is a daycare right? Other people pay for their children to come there too, not just this little girl, right?

IMO this mom is way out of line and has absolutely no right to ask you to remove toys because she doesn't want her dd playing with them. Some of those toys may be favorites for other children who attend..it's not fair to them. It's also not fair for her to ask you to discourage her dd from playing with certain items..that's just : .

If mom wants to keep those particular items out of her own home and discourage her dd from any type of stereotypical "girl play" while at home more power to her...but unless she's planning on raising her dd soley in a completely likeminded community she's going to have to come to grips with the fact that A) her dd is a girl B) some girls just like "girly" things and C) touching a Polly Pocket or putting on a pair of sparkly shoes isn't going to cause any serious or lasting harm to her dd.



The damage to the child's self-esteem will be worse than the exposure to froo-froo IMO.
post #22 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
Mom says "That isn't who we are" She would like me to discourage her from playing with the girly things, and encourage her to play with the dr kit, and the building toys. She has even hinted that I get rid of all the "girly toys". I said, "sure, if you replace them with toys that are more to your liking".
(she would like me to buy a train set and table) But, I am certainly not going to go out and buy a train set and train table. I don't have space for a train table anyway.
What on earth is wrong with this child having a natural attraction to shiny girly stuff? It's not like I have Barbies, or princess dolls here. We don't watch much TV, and when we do, it's usually sing-a-long songs.

Why is it so bad for her to love this stuff???
Well, imho, I don't think you have any right to determine what is right or wrong for this family. I don't think you have any obligation to buy toys specifically for this little girl, but I think that as a caregiver you should respect the parents.

I can't believe that people here are actually saying that you should ignore what the parent is asking and let the little girl have whatever *you* think is appropriate. Perhaps you don't know the reasons behind the parents' decisions, but it's also not your place to question it. It could be a cultural or religious reason... or it could just be that that is how they want to raise their kids.

It doesn't matter why it is "so bad for her to love this stuff." It's not your place to question it. Just as it is not your place to question if she wants to give breastmilk instead of formula, co-sleep or use a crib, cloth or 'sposie diaper. I'm not trying to be snarky, I just think that it's a personal child-rearing decision that shouldn't be questioned... one that as the child's caregiver, you should try to respect to the best of your ability (obviously not to the extent that you spend your own money to bow to her wishes, but as she asked... to dissuade her dd from playing with the toys she doesn't want her playing with).
post #23 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
Well, imho, I don't think you have any right to determine what is right or wrong for this family. I don't think you have any obligation to buy toys specifically for this little girl, but I think that as a caregiver you should respect the parents.

I can't believe that people here are actually saying that you should ignore what the parent is asking and let the little girl have whatever *you* think is appropriate. Perhaps you don't know the reasons behind the parents' decisions, but it's also not your place to question it. It could be a cultural or religious reason... or it could just be that that is how they want to raise their kids.

It doesn't matter why it is "so bad for her to love this stuff." It's not your place to question it. Just as it is not your place to question if she wants to give breastmilk instead of formula, co-sleep or use a crib, cloth or 'sposie diaper. I'm not trying to be snarky, I just think that it's a personal child-rearing decision that shouldn't be questioned... one that as the child's caregiver, you should try to respect to the best of your ability (obviously not to the extent that you spend your own money to bow to her wishes, but as she asked... to dissuade her dd from playing with the toys she doesn't want her playing with).
I see your point, but on the other hand I don't think it's the OP's job to be controlling. And I see the parents in this case as controlling. Personally, I'd let the kid play with what she wanted and the parents could find another provider if they wanted someone to be that controlling.

I can see not liking a day care provider for having a bunch of commerical tie-in products, but for having sparkly dress-up clothes? And just not wanting the girl to play with anything girly? I don't see any relationship between that decision and breastmilk/formula or cloth/sposie. To try to control a child's personality and interests really bugs me. Children should be encouraged to find their authentic selves and celebrated for who they naturally are. I guess if that makes me judgmental, so be it.
post #24 of 186
Well, having in-laws in a muslim country, I can *certainly* see why "sparkly" clothes might be discouraged for cultural reasons. In 100 different ways, we, as parents, guide our children on their paths to find their personality. Like it or not, it's not all nature... there's a lot of nurture in the final product that are our adult children.

This mother is paying for childcare... her wishes should be respected. Period. This is exactly the reason I swore my dd would never go to day care. It's obvious that a parent's wishes are blatantly ignored and questioned when someone (a caregiver) believes differently. I *do* see a connection between this and diapering or feeding... a parent has a certain way they want to raise their child (they have decided what they think is best for their family) and it is being questioned. What if the OP was saying, "what the hell... I know formula is healthy for the baby and this person wants me to feed the baby breastmilk... and you can't even MICROWAVE it, so I have to spend all this time dealing with heating it up without destroying the nutrients in the milk... damn, I'm just going to give formula. I mean, what is so wrong with formula!?!" We would ALL be up in arms about it. How is this any different? It's what this family has chosen to be best for them.
post #25 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
This mother is paying for childcare... her wishes should be respected. Period.
The mother made a choice in this daycare , and she can't demand that the provider changes her polices and buys new toys. I think for all the talk of respecting child's wishes on this board, there is something to be said for not ripping toys out of kids' hands...

I can use cloth dipers that a parent left me, I use the healthy snack that a parent left me, but I can't force a kid to not like pink dresses!

If I don't approve of certain toys in my house - I can make them "dissapear" after the kid goes to bed. As a daycare provider, I can't buy a stash of new toys for every child that comes in. If this is important to the parent, they should discuss it upfront. I hope you are not suggesting taking every froofroo pink thing out of this child's hands as soon as she picks it up? And saying, "Well... all the other kids can play with those toys, but here is your box, and don't you touch anything else!" :
post #26 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThreeBeans View Post
She's drawn to it because she's never seen it before.

That being said, I feel for the mom. Frankly, I don't want my daughter playing with that kind of stuff, either.

Yeah, I felt that way too until my dd turned into a major girly-girl when she was about 2.5 years old. It was all her own choosing, so I really didn't have any control over it. That type of thing is usually a phase. Now that dd is 5, she still likes to dress like a fairy sometimes, or sit at her little vanity and put on sparkly powder and chapstick. That said, ds who is 3 also likes to dress like a fairy and sit at the vanity and put on powder and chapstick. He also loves to have his nails painted, whereas dd doesn't. He says he loves pink. He's also one of the most "boyish" little boys I've ever seen. Dd also likes to play tee-ball, doctor, museum, and variety of other imaginary games. It all balances out eventually.

OP: I would tell the child's mother that you like to keep a nice balance of toys for ALL of the children to play with.
post #27 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole
and she can't demand that the provider changes her polices and buys new toys
Oriole, why don't you go back and actually read what I posted:

Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
I don't think you have any obligation to buy toys specifically for this little girl, but I think that as a caregiver you should respect the parents.

... you should try to respect to the best of your ability (obviously not to the extent that you spend your own money to bow to her wishes, but as she asked... to dissuade her dd from playing with the toys she doesn't want her playing with).
I never once said anything at all about buying new toys. Why do people misquote others to try to make their own points? Make them on your own merits.

And yes, I am saying take these things out of the little girl's hands. It's the wishes of the parent and not *AT ALL* something that the daycare provider should question. If that's what the parent wants, that's the rule. It's always the parent's prerogative to switch day care providers and in this case, if I were her, I would. Obviously the caretaker is blatantly going against her wishes. It's not our place to question the way this woman is raising her daughter. Nor is it the daycare providers. She needs to either concede to the parent's wishes or ask them to take their business elsewhere.
post #28 of 186
I honestly think it's too much to even ask her to dissuade the child from playing with what she wants. They hired a day care provider, not someone to police what toys their daughter likes. I wouldn't spank a child if the parents wanted me to, and I wouldn't control a child to the point of saying what available toys she can play with either. How would the child feel watching everyone else play with what they want while she's not allowed to play with some things? I don't see that as being a day care provider's responsibility at all.
post #29 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
I honestly think it's too much to even ask her to dissuade the child from playing with what she wants. They hired a day care provider, not someone to police what toys their daughter likes. I wouldn't spank a child if the parents wanted me to, and I wouldn't control a child to the point of saying what available toys she can play with either. How would the child feel watching everyone else play with what they want while she's not allowed to play with some things? I don't see that as being a day care provider's responsibility at all.
Turn that around... what if someone were spanking your child and in your house you had a strict "no spanking" rule. How is this any different? Would it be too much to ask the day care provider to *not* spank? It's a policy of your house and she would be going against your wishes.

If I had a family that asked me to spank, I would simply say that I'm not able to hit a child and that they need to have someone else care for the child.

Bottom line for me... if a daycare provider didn't respect my wishes (I am paying her to care for my children the same way *I* would care for them... I'm not paying her to raise them as her own), I would switch caretakers.

BTW - dd has never been in daycare and I've never cared for any other children.
post #30 of 186
I would tell the mother that I was not comfortable dissuading any of the children from playing with any of the toys, and that she was welcome to find another caregiver if that was a problem. There are a lot of things that I wouldn't do as a caregiver because i don't feel it's healthy - I wouldn't feed a baby on a strict schedule, I would't let a baby cry to sleep, I wouldn't spank, etc. These things are not only (IMO) not healthy for the child in question, but they aren't healthy for the other kids that have to see it - Jest like it wouldn't be healthy for the other kids to hear this child be chastized (even gently) for playing with the very same toys that the other children are playing with.


There are toys that I wouldn't want my kdis playing with (guns, for example). If I walked into a daycare and saw kids running around fake shooting with toy guns, I would assume that the DCP did not have the same values for raising children as I did, and would choose not to put my child there.
post #31 of 186
I don't think it is the job of the daycare provider to police the toys. And, some of the problem is what other kids are wearing. She certainly shouldn't have to address that issue.

The mother should look for a new daycare, perhaps a Waldorf inspired one. No offense to the op, I bet your daycare is lovely, I just mean it's her issue so she needs to take care of it.

The fact that she doesn't want her dd to play with girly stuff, but doesn't mind that her ds does, suggests to me that she is trying very hard to break down gender barriers. I can appreciate that, but it sounds like she might be taking things to extreme.
post #32 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
Turn that around... what if someone were spanking your child and in your house you had a strict "no spanking" rule. How is this any different? Would it be too much to ask the day care provider to *not* spank? It's a policy of your house and she would be going against your wishes.

If I had a family that asked me to spank, I would simply say that I'm not able to hit a child and that they need to have someone else care for the child.

Bottom line for me... if a daycare provider didn't respect my wishes (I am paying her to care for my children the same way *I* would care for them... I'm not paying her to raise them as her own), I would switch caretakers.

BTW - dd has never been in daycare and I've never cared for any other children.
I would do the same thing. I would never leave my daughter with a child care provider who spanked, and if someone wanted me to spank his/her child, I'd tell him/her to find another provider. Exactly as I'd do with this - I would say I don't police which toys kids are allowed to play with and if the parent wants that, they need to find a different provider.

My daughter hasn't been in daycare, and I've never cared for other children either.
post #33 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama View Post
I don't think it is the job of the daycare provider to police the toys. And, some of the problem is what other kids are wearing. She certainly shouldn't have to address that issue.

The mother should look for a new daycare, perhaps a Waldorf inspired one. No offense to the op, I bet your daycare is lovely, I just mean it's her issue so she needs to take care of it.

The fact that she doesn't want her dd to play with girly stuff, but doesn't mind that her ds does, suggests to me that she is trying very hard to break down gender barriers. I can appreciate that, but it sounds like she might be taking things to extreme.
Thank you everyone.

I thought about this, and this morning, I told the Mom, that I would bring the Polly Pockets out only a few more times before school starts. (they are a summer only toy) and that is as far as I am willing to go with this.

I told her that I would NOT take the shoes off her feet, or the pretty headband away from her. BUT, I reminded her that when school starts in two weeks ALL the kids will be back, and the competition for those toys would mean that she wouldn't have them as often.

Her dd quickly pointed out the cinderella t-shirt the other three year old was wearing. Mom just shuddered. LOL

"I can't do anything about that"

What I DO do for them is, I NEVER give these kids anything processed or from a package. I feed them differently than I do the other kids. THAT makes me feel bad, because if A child brings in a birthday cupcake, these two can't have one. They don't know what they are missing, but they see how attractive these things are, and obviously, they want one too. If it's a holiday, I have Mom bring them muffins, so they have something to unwrap.

I decided that this is MY daycare. If she doesn't like my policies, she can keep looking. BUT, she wont find anyone else. I am one of the only in our area that uses gentle discipline, wears the babies, willing to feed them the way they choose. Willing to use cloth diapers.

There are no waldorf schools around here. If there were, they would be in Scottsdale where people can afford that type of center. What is available out here are a few large chain centers with a high teacher turnover rate. On the west side is a few montessori schools, but they are also extremely high priced. The average family can't pay for that. Especially with the cost of living out here.
post #34 of 186
I think the mom is expecting too much for a daycare with several other children.
Maybe daycare isn't for her. She should find someone who will watch only her children (preferably in her home) if she wants to dictate so much of their environment. Otherwise she needs to lighten up a bit on the control issues.
post #35 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat View Post
I think the mom is expecting too much for a daycare with several other children.
Maybe daycare isn't for her. She should find someone who will watch only her children (preferably in her home) if she wants to dictate so much of their environment. Otherwise she needs to lighten up a bit on the control issues.
That's what I'm thinking too. I respect the client mom's ideas BUT I think it's very hard to control things like that when you have a group of families who may have different ideas. It just gets too unweildy IMO.
post #36 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat View Post
I think the mom is expecting too much for a daycare with several other children.
Maybe daycare isn't for her. She should find someone who will watch only her children (preferably in her home) if she wants to dictate so much of their environment. Otherwise she needs to lighten up a bit on the control issues.
I think this too. While I totally understand the other Mom's POV, I think she has unreasonable expectations for group daycare. It is unrealistic to expect a group daycare provider to: 1. follow an individual child around and take toys away from her, 2. to expect all the other children/parents to conform to her values or to 3. physically keep one child away from all the others so she is not exposed to their stuff. She needs to look for individual childcare or a group daycare that shares her values (e.g. a Waldorf group).
post #37 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
What I DO do for them is, I NEVER give these kids anything processed or from a package. I feed them differently than I do the other kids. THAT makes me feel bad, because if A child brings in a birthday cupcake, these two can't have one. They don't know what they are missing, but they see how attractive these things are, and obviously, they want one too. If it's a holiday, I have Mom bring them muffins, so they have something to unwrap.

See, I think it's easier with food, especially since you have two kids from the same family, with the same rules. It's just like if they were vegetarian - "X & Y's family doesn't eat this kind of food." But the toy thing is just weird. It would be like saying "Y can have a cupcake because she's a girl, but X can't, because X&Y's mom thinks only girls can eat cupcakes." It would be hard to police the toys ev en if she had the same rules for her boy as she does for her girl - but she really can't expect you to enforce her sexism. It would be like saying "I'm a racist, so please don't let my white kids play with any brown baby dolls - and certainly not any brown children!"
post #38 of 186
Is her boy allowed to play with trucks and other traditionally boyish toys?
post #39 of 186
Quote:
While I totally understand the other Mom's POV, I think she has unreasonable expectations for group daycare.
Totally agree with this. My DD is in group daycare three days a week. I made sure that we were in sync on the big things that were important to me, and the other things just have to take care of themselves. It's just unrealistic to expect day care providers in a room with three, four, five, or however many other kids to actually yank toys out of a child's hands and tell them that they can't play with them.

If I were as determined as this woman seems to be to control my child's every move when she's not with me, then I would have hired a nanny to whom I could dictate all the specifics.
post #40 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by eclipse View Post
Is her boy allowed to play with trucks and other traditionally boyish toys?

Yes, in fact, he can play with girl toys, boy toys she has never said a thing about it.

BUT, I think the big difference is she LOOOOOOOVES these things. She absolultely obsesses about them. She doesn't care if someone else has the pink shoes on their feet. She doesn't care if others have all the "pretty" things. But, apparently at home, she says "When I go to ***'s I play with the pink shoes". She goes home and tells Mom what all the girls wore that day. LMAO.

BUT, she also tells her who had a band aid that day and why they have it. She tells Mom who threw a block, who didn't eat their lunch, who cried... etc. She's just got lots of information.
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