To gate or not to gate

[aitara]

Do you all use a gate at the top of the stairs?
I am not sure what to do, although on some level I think that maybe I shouldn't even be debating this issue for safety reasons -
I am wondering what to do about installing a gate at the top of the stairs or not, so I am hoping to get some thoughts and experiences from some of you on the gate on the stairs.

I have a few reasons why I have reservations about the idea. For one, I think that the way to teach dd to be careful near the stairs is showing her how to be careful near the stairs. I would always be watching her or be sure to be right there with her if necessary. I also think that perhaps installing the gate sends her a message that we don't think she is capable of being careful enough. Our stairs are carpeted and not slippery. Also our friend's 18 month old was over recently and was very careful at the top of the stairs - stopped and looked down carefully (she doesn't have stairs at her house).

On the other hand, if something happened because I opted out of the gate, I would of course be devastated.

I just finished reading TCC and now I am really thinking about those Yequana toddlers who played around the pit but never fell into it, and Liedloff's view that children will do what the adults around them expect them to do or not and how children have an innate sense of self-preservation, etc.

Has anyone else out there thought about this and what did you do? If you don't have a gate, how is that working out?
Thanks everybody!

[Quirky]

Love the gate. Love love love the gate. Couldn't live without the gate!

I think it is wishful thinking to believe that you can teach a crawling baby caution. 11 month old DS has never crawled off the edge of the stairs on purpose, but he will crawl towards them as fast as he can, then turn around and sit down right at the edge (with his back facing downstairs). We have one set of stairs that is just two steps down, and he went over backwards doing this before I could catch him (and I was no more than three steps away, but there was no way to catch him in time). Ouch! At least it wasn't the real flight of stairs, but lesson learned.

He does not get the concept of going down the stairs backwards at all. I don't mind sending him a message that he's not capable of being careful because a) he's not capable of being careful and b) he's not capable of getting that message IMO.

Having the gate up and the house babyproofed means I can sit on the john, fold laundry in the bedroom, or put away his diapers and let ds crawl around upstairs knowing that he won't fall down the stairs, but he can have fun exploring a little. He can do his "I'm an independent baby and I want to explore" thing and I can do mine without hovering over him every second worried that he's going to go over the edge and seriously hurt himself.

For me the same thinking applies to why I have outlet covers on the electrical sockets, cabinet locks on the cabinets, a stove shield on the range, etc. I can give ds a lot more freedom to explore and be independent if I have mitigated the obvious dangers. It doesn't mean he won't get hurt when he falls, or that I can abdicate my responsibility to watch out for him, but I can forego watching him like a hawk and let him do his own thing when he wants.

[queen620]

YES YES YES

We have two gates. One at the top and one at the bottom. It is all about safety. When we moved into our townhouse my ds#1 was 10mo and walking/climbing ALL the time. So it was a real sanity saver. In our home the downstairs is the safe zone. Upstairs is alright, but our room and bathroom need adult supervision so we wanted to keep from having to tell our kids "no don't go upstairs" so we have two gates.

The upstairs gate is more about future safety...ie sleep walking. I do use it when we are upstairs for a long time and I am distracted. We usually close it at night so our 3yr old can't roam the entire house while we are asleep(we have doorknob covers on doors we don't want him to access without us.)

My first son fell down the steps once. my two year old is still working on mastering going up and down, and he has fallen way to many times to count. most of the time I have been watching my other ds or just was a step or two ahead b/c I thought he was fine. So I would definitely have gates so you limit access to the stairs. Accidents are going to happen, but at least this way you can somewhat limit how frequent they are.

[dentente]

Yes on the gates. Top and bottom until the kid is walking up and down them really well. Mine was pretty well stable on them at 18 months so we took them off. We used The First Years Hands Free Gates and these are awesome. I still have one barring the kitchen off from the rest of the downstairs only because I cook every night and all the stuff on the stove is too dangerous to monitor effectively even though my dd is over 2 years old now. I would rather her be angry and safe on the other side of the gate from the hot oven and bubbling pots, not to mention the cat box off in the laundry room. No thank you.

Your kid will become confident on stairs if and only if you make a point of going up and coming down them every day together until she gets it. Stair accidents can do a lot of damage to a little one.

Denny

[Piglet68]

We have a gate at the top of our stairs (bottom is not living area) and I wouldn't have it any other way. When someone suggests that babies will naturally avoid danger, etc, it makes me think they aren't parents themselves (as I'm aware Leidloff isn't). I mean, it's a nice idea in theory, but no mama worth her salt is gonna risk her precious babe to test it, kwim?

If you want to run yourself so ragged you end up doped up on Prozac babbling incoherently, then follow your crawling, exploring baby everywhere they go every second of the day that someone else isn't watching them. Because that's what you'll be doing if you don't have a gate!!

[Elphaba]

your child may very well know what to do about stairs, but accidents happen.
just 2 nights ago my 21 month old fell head first down our stairs because she got excited and tripped. we had stopped using gates shortly after she could walk because she was incredibly adept at navigating the stairs. now i wish i had kept them.

[mirlee]

We used two gates when Sam was very little. One was at the top of the stairs. It was semi-permanently attached to the wall. The other was a moveable one that I could carry from room to room and block us in the room or to keep him of places like the laundry room or to keep him in the kitchen with me.

I think that if you have a small child, you should have gates. I also recommend getting spring hinges on basement doors as an additional safety precaution. Something to make sure the door will close behind you in the event that your arms are full and you can't really close the door behind you.

You can't be to cautious around stairs and other areas of the home that could potentially be dangerous to someone who is very curious. It might seem silly at the time and you might think, "Oh, he would never touch that or do that." They do. I never thought Sam would try to follow his dad down the basement stairs. Well, he did. I wasn't fast enough and watched my little boy fall the entire flight and land in a stack of boxes then onto the concrete floor. It was the most terrifying scene in my life. We thought he was dead.

We never did a ton of baby proofing in the house, but gates were something we always felt were critical.

[Monica]

ITA with Jane. I chose "at the top" but really mine is at the bottom, permanently installed and we have a tension one that we put in the hallway upstairs that blocks the stairs and the bathroom but gives dd free crawl of the rest of the upstairs. With Ds we were able to do the teaching that you talk about starting around 13 or 14 months and we were completely gate free by 17 mos and we never had a fall. Dh also installed a handrail the entire length of our stairs that was smaller around and low to the step so ds had something to hold on to going up and down the stairs. He also started walking at 10 mos so was pretty stable on his feet at 13 mos.

I couldn't live with out mine. I just spent two days standing on the stairs at my moms because dd LOVES to climb them and my mom has 3 different stair cases. The second she hit the floor, she crawled as fast as she could to one of them. So I either stood on the stairs and let her climb or held her the entire weekend.

And another thing to think about....dd (11 mos) is a very good climber, I have carpeted steps, but she also gets excited sometimes and stands up, losing her balance, also her 3 year old brother can cause her to lose her balance, and at my mom's the dog was huge distraction to the task at hand.

My advice would be to gate your stairs but spend some time on them with your baby each day letting him/her climb and teaching how to slide down on the belly. Your baby needs to acquire stair skills but not be in danger of an accidental fall. Hope this helps.

[3boysmom]

When my kids were small, we had a gate permanently installed at the top and another one that we put about 3-4 steps up at the bottom. This allowed them to practice going up and down a few steps and since the steps are carpeted they didn't get hurt the few times they took a spill, but it was enough to teach them over time how to negotiate steps.

The real danger, at least in our house, seemed to be for dh and I who seemed to be constantly trying to step over the gates instead of taking them down. I fell a few times, usually while carrying laundry, and dh took a spill or two. :

As the baby in question got older, we would remove the gates more and more often when we had time to follow right behind him as he ventured up and down so he could learn safely. Before you know it, you don't need the gates anymore.

[Lucky Charm]

I also think that perhaps installing the gate sends her a message that we don't think she is capable of being careful enough.

Really?
I would never trust my infant or toddler near the top of the stairs. And really, her safety is paramount, thats part of my job as mother....to keep my kids safe, so i *do not care* if at 18 months, she in her baby way, somehow senses i dont trust her. I wouldnt be able to function if all i did was worry about the stairs!

Of course, as an ER nurse, i have a different perspective, and i see kids all the time who have fallen down stairs, they come in with broken arms, wrists, collar bones, ankles.....and lets not forget all the head CT's we have done.

its not worth the risk. There are so many things as parents we cannot control, so why risk something when we can at least attempt to control or prevent a potential disaster.

[Liz]

YES

We didn't have a gate at the top of the stairs until ds fell down the stairs. It was the most horrifying experience to see my precious baby flying head over heels like a rag doll down the stairs! He was fine, didn't even cry for more than five minutes but I cried for much longer. I can still see the image in my head and it's been 2 years. He was about 13 mos old and had just started to walk. While I was in the bathroom he toddled down the hall and stood at the top of the stairs right outside the bathroom door. As I desparately tried to pull up my pants to get to him he lost his balance and fell over backwards down the stairs right in front of me.

I don't think a crawling baby would fall down the stairs but a toddling baby can very easily.

[aitara]

Ok mamas, I will be installing a gate!
This is what I thought, but y'know I love reading books and I guess it puts me a bit in fantasyland about certain things sometimes. Its hard to know sometimes what is realistic for each child/situation and what is just too idealistic. I certainly don't want to take an uneccessary risk, and you gave me just the reassurance I needed.

Btw, I told dh about my post here, and he said, "What? Of course we're having a gate - the gate sends a message to the child that we care about her safety, not that we don't think that she is capable of being careful enough." Like I am nuts for even considering such an idea (maybe so) - but I just wanted to give it some thought first.

Thanks everybody!

[kerikadi]

I didn't vote - we only have one but it's at the bottom of the stairs. We spend all of our time downstairs and she only goes upstairs to say goodnight to her brothers.

Keri

[lilyka]

We have one gate that we move around as needed. All of my children have been very good and careful on stairs. they werer going up and down stairs before they were walking,. we have never gated our stair before. I think it is important to teach them how to navigate stair well. We have three sets of stairs in our house. that would be $200 worth of gatets and we just can't afford that. Also I worry about my older children falling down stairs as they struggle to get the gates open (good going up and down stairs, not so coordinated n any other area).

Also our neighbor kid, who is the same age as Lily - 3yo - is never allowed on the stairs. He absolutely can't go up and down stairs on his own. freaky to me that a three year old can't go up and down stairs without crashing to the bottom (guess how I relized he couldn't be trusted). I want my kids to have this skill so I try not to hover or block. DD was about 14 months when we moved into this house and I have never even thought twice about her being on the stairs.

I think parents create a lot of the problems with thier children falling down stairs by not letting them get good at it or by distrqcting them by shouting "oh be careful, your not supposed to be going up those dangerous stairs!!!!" kid whips around to see what mom is hshouting about loses his balance and down he goes. Or they have never been tought a safe way to go down stairs so they step off the top like they see the grown ups doing it and down they fall. (my kids always crawl up and scoot down the stair on thier tummys.)

[momto l&a]

No gates in our house.

I watch our girls so closely that I am aware of where they are and what they are doing. Besides they love to follow me around.

[L.J.]

I have never used gates.
I have not baby proofed.

My dad used to have the theory that if you babyproof, one day they'll be in a house or situation that isn't proofed & then that could be more dangerous & peak their curiosity even more.

I know a lot of these things have to do with personality and skills as well.....but my ds is very confident & assured of himself physically. He was going up & down stairs confidently very early. My neighbour, who has gates has a little one who is less confident & although the same age as my ds, he is still not able to do stairs well & definitely not by himself.

I watched my kids very closely while they were learning & when they felt confident, I started to give them a little more space.

I think it depends on the kid & your lifestyle.

[whateverdidiwants]

We have 3 gates - one that blocks off the kitchen, one at the top of the stairs, and another that blocks off the second (rarely used) bathroom where we keep the litter boxes.

For those who have taught their kids to go down the stairs on their belly - how did you manage it? DD will do that to get off the bed but she is adamant about being upright going down the stairs. (14.5 months old, btw)

[NiteNicole]

Kids lose their balance all the time. Even a fairly co-ordinated kid can over balance and lose their footing. I'm just not comfortable with the chance of head injury.

I think there can be a tendency to over think these things. I don't think a gate sends a message. I think to a kid, it's just THERE. EVERYONE has to move it to get through, why would a child even consider that the gate is there just for them?

[The Lucky One]

Well, ds is 18 months and we've never had a baby gate and we have three staircases!

One of the staircases leads downstairs from the main floor and it has a door. If I'm busy in the kitchen or with laundry, both on the main floor, then I just close the door and I know he's safe.

We have a front and back staricase that leads to our upstarirs where the bedrooms are and ds's playroom. So far, we haven't put any gates on them. We're always right with ds, so it hasn't been an issue...until now that he has learned how to run--really fast! Just this weekend we talked about installing them, because he loves to run in that upstairs hallway and if he falls near the stairs then he could easily keep right on going down them. So, I do think it's time for some gates.

lisa

[Mama Katrina]

We have one level, with a full basement. Can't (without some construction) put one at the bottom of the basemenet steps, and have a door at the top... So nope, not really needed.