Consequence for 10yo Stepson - Page 3

[chfriend]

Originally Posted by AlmostAPpropriate

You act as though you know exactly what happened. You dont. Both DH and biomom slept around A LOT when this child was conceived. When she told DH that it was his he didnt believe her. She dropped it completely. Confirming to him that she didnt really think it was his. Fast forward EIGHT YEARS. By her own admission she never would've contacted DH if her now boyfriend hadnt pressured her because, as he put it, why does he, he have to pay child support when DH didnt. She only put in the paperwork to keep her BFriend happy. There was no tracking down involved. She submitted the paperwork, we got notified, we contacted her. We even paid to have an independent DNA test done as she had let "slip" to her son that she had found his dad. We didnt think it was fair to him to have him a)meet a man who might not be his dad or b) have to wait weeks while we wait for the AG to set up tests.

I am trying to get the nuggets of wisdom from your post but its difficult when you are making offensive comments like that above. We DID NOT KNOW about this child. He was not denied. There are just as many selfish women out there as men. Please keep assumptions that men are the sole cause of fatherless children to yourself.

AP,

I'm not making an assumption that men are the sole cause of anything. Dh denied being the father, no? Am I misunderstanding that? And assumed that he was not because he didn't get sued? I'm not sure where you are getting that I think something was his fault. Children are a blessing, so I can't see anything about fault in there. I wonder if we are coming at this from very different places.

He knew that someone he had slept with became pregnant and had a child. He denied that it was his. That's what I'm saying. Or am I missing something?

Now he has acknowledged his child. So you have 3 children, not 2. But it doesn't sound like you have made room in your house for the third child. You wonder if a cs only arrangement would be better.

I guess the part I can't figure out is if you and your dh love and cherish this child? Because so much of my discipline with my own children grows out of my love and treasuring of them. If you do, it seems like working out how to relate will be easier. If you don't, do you think it's possible you could? Or will it be more like taking a friend's child to give the mom a break for a while?

How you respond to the situation seems really hinged on that.

And my offer to find some books stands if I could get some more details on the kinds of comic-type books he likes. It seems like if money is one of the big problems in welcoming him, lots of people (including me) would be happy to help make that part easier for you.

[chfriend]

One further thought, which is hopefully helpful. Have you talked to your stepson about how he would like to keep track of his stuff as he moves from house to house? Does he want a stash at each house or some way to keep track as he moves from house to house? What would make him feel most at home?

[Wugmama]

Didn't have time to read the whole thread, but was interested because we don't see that many posters here talking about stepchildren, and there are a lot of divorces and remarries and step children in my family, and my best friend married last year and now has a 12 yr old step dd.

First, welcome to this forum (sorry if you are not new, just don't recall seeing you post here before!)

I wanted to point out that although it is not true for everyone that posts here, many of us do not see the need for there to be a consequence/punishment for everything, and there is at least one sticky above that may be of interest to you as you look for new ways to interact with your step son and maybe even your bio kids.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=454664

Also, I wanted to tell you about two families I know with step children that have had the best outcomes - ie the children are now grown, but there were minimal problems between the step children and step parent (as to many other families I know where the tension runs high). In both of these families, the bio parent was fully involved, as in your case. In both families, the step parent was free NOT to parent, but just to be a friend and housemate basically. They did not have to discipline - that was left up to the two parents.

I can't imagine the complexities of a step family. My dh was part of one (his mother remarried and had more children when he was still small) and I see the emotional scars he still carries today.

I hope your family is able to find a way to live in harmony, peace and love. Every child (as well as the adults) deserves that!


Best wishes,
Tracy

[Wugmama]

Originally Posted by AlmostAPpropriate
Its hard to suddenly be the parent of an older child.

to you, I'm sure it is terribly hard, I can't imagine being in your position.

~Tracy

[towsonmama]

Originally Posted by AlmostAPpropriate

He came to us as an 8 yr. old with a set of family values very different from our own. There was no instant surge of affection like you have when you set eyes on your newborn. Its building, getting better as time goes on.

This struck me when I read it. No matter what comes of this library book incident, I think he's lucky to have someone in his life who cares enough about raising him gently that she turns to message boards (which can turn aggressive) for guidance. Good luck!

[AlmostAPpropriate]

I think it worked out ok...

I talk to DSS today. I told him basically that I had been able to renew his books until 08/13/07 and that I was leaving it to him to follow up with his grandmother and his mom and get help to track down the books. If he doesnt find them by then we are going to talk about how he can help pay for them. More importantly I think he really understood the problem he created was bigger than the books. I explained to him that because of that it hurt my feelings for him to have ignored what I asked. Also that he made it hard for me to trust him in the future. I said, You know, "next time I ask you not to take something, if that thing goes missing, even if you never touched it - do you know what the first thing I will think is?" He got that he can created distrust and I could see that the idea of that upset him. The flip side is that I apologized for not really trying to understand his side of the request, that I said no and that was it. I told him that we were going to have a clean slate from here. I would expect him to be honest with me and accept my "no" if it comes but at the same time I would really try to talk with him and figure out ways to say yes. So we finished making dinner together and I feel good - I think he does too.

Thanks all you mamas for your wisdom. Talking to you really helped me see his side and make it more of a dialogue than a sentencing.

[chfriend]

I'm so glad that worked out!!

[mamaduck]

I apologized for not really trying to understand his side of the request, that I said no and that was it. I told him that we were going to have a clean slate from here. I would expect him to be honest with me and accept my "no" if it comes but at the same time I would really try to talk with him and figure out ways to say yes. So we finished making dinner together and I feel good - I think he does too.

Gosh -- you are wonderful! Seriously -- this was a beautiful thing for you to say to him. I got choked up reading it. He's a lucky kid!

[mommy2abigail]

AlmostAP-Your dss is very fortunate to have such a caring step mom. Really. I think you handled it beautifully. Props to you mama!