keeping a 3 yo away from older boy influences

[kylesmama]

I have a new dilemna...we live in a town home community & just got new neighbors right next to us. They have 3 boys who are 7,13,& 15. My son just turned 3 last week. The 7 yr old is very interested in playing with my 3 yr old son & wants to catch bugs with him & play in his sand box, etc. I don't want his violent nature to rub off on my son.

I personally would rather they not interact, as a 3 year old does not need teenage boy influences. BUT how do I tactfully handle keeping them apart when we don't have separate yards. There is a large field behind us that they both love to explore. I don't want to keep my son inside b/c he loves being outside & it's good for him & I can't tell the other kid to leave really b/c it's not anyones yard. I have explained to my son why I don't want him playing with the other big kid but his natural instinct is to run after him and do what he does. We do goto parks often, but I also have an 8 month old & it is very convenient for him to play behind our home while I tend to her needs.

I know he will be influenced by older boys eventually but would just not like to encourage it. He is so gentle with bugs & life now - I don't want him to play with kids who purposefully hurt them, etc. or play violently in general.

how do you handle these types of situations? :

thanks in advance!!
Heather

[LynnS6]

How do you know the 7 y/o is violent? How do you know that your son's sweet nature won't rub off? Are you sure the 7 y/o isn't just being a 7 y/o?

I would be uncomfortable with my 3 yo playing with a 7 y/o for long periods of time mostly because I think the age difference is too great. (At least for my kids, for some kids it might be OK.) My kids just aren't interested in the same things.

BUT my kids LOVE to play with older kids, and if I told them not to, they would be majorly upset. My experience has been that after a while, the older kids get bored and the younger ones go off to do their own thing.

In addition, a 3 y/o still needs pretty constant supervision outside. I would let my kids play outside with the neighbor kids but keep a really close eye on them (i.e. they have to be in your line of sight). Schedule times where you're doing outings or having playdates so it's not constant interaction between the 2 of them.

The problem will resolve itself once school starts and the weather gets cold. Relax on this one mom, but keep an eye on them.

[Lovenest]

I think the age difference is OK with supervision.
My son loves his older cousins, he is almost 5 and his favorite cousin is 9. She is a girl but boy I can tell you not the best influence!

I am sure he will learn something maybe you dont like from this older boy or someone at the park, but I would just tell him if he tries to act like the older boy (or someone else) that its not allowed. I have to do it with my son at times. He knows we dont play guns, or pretend to kill people etc. He will tell kids thats a "bad word" and will tell me. Keep the communication open with your little one.

I would also tell the 7 year old if he says stuff to your son or acts in a certain way that your son is not allowed to do tell him why you dont allow it. My niece seems to listen well and if I say we dont like it she wont most the time. And tell him that your son is alot younger and is not allowed to do alot of the stuff he is allowed to do.

Hope that helps!

[orangefoot]

Sometimes being with younger children brings out the best in older children.

They love to feel admired and considered to be minor heroes and this doesn't always end up with them teaching the younger one how to do bad things.

FWIW my boys were still fighting like madmen when ds1 was 10yo and ds2 was 7yo as many brothers do but they never ever fought with younger children or hurt them in any way.

They are now 14 and 10 and the younger boys in our street adore them.

[marybethorama]

What I did when my kids were little was closely supervise my kids and I was also very firm about when and if older kids could play.

I have to say I had mostly good experiences with older kids. The older kids were actually very tolerant. That said, I limited the time they played because of the age difference.

[UUMom]

I know in our hsing group, children of all ages play together and do well. I am not sure age should be the only criteria for playing together. Sometimes older children (and 7 is still little) can find common ground, and sometimes older kids are really good at 'code shifting'...that is, making allowances and being able to enjoy themselves in the play of their younger years. I love to watch my 18 and 8 yr olds together. It's sweet. My 13 and 8 yr olds play well together as well. Today , they created a restuarnat (menus etc and made me a great breakfast).

[kylesmama]

thank you all for your comments.

I agree that it's beneficial for kids of all ages to play together. I have seen great things come of that. My son plays with 7 & 9 yr old girls & 2-11 yr old boys in our n-hood often & we haven't had any problems with them. Typically the boys get bored & move on & the girls leave as soon as their bigger friends come out which is perfect. They also are gentle in their play with him & listen & respect both me & ds.

I agree that he is just a 7 year old kid, not necessarily a violent person, but violent compared to a just 3 year old in his ways of play & he has older brothers (into fighting video games) that he has been influenced by. I have been there during play so far and he keeps going towards tendencies of trying to hurt & kill the grasshoppers or says lets pop their heads off, lets bleed them to death, etc. or takes a "chomper" toy of my sons & goes after my son with it & scares him a bit. When he does go into this "violent" (in my eyes for a 3 yr old - not for a 7 yr old) play I try to redirect the play & show how we can do things gently, etc.

at first I thought his tendencies were him showing off in front of another 10 yr old boy. he seemed to play alone w/ Kyle rather well, but then he was just into the destruction thing and trying to kill & hurt bugs & lego people, etc.

I explained to the older boy that ds is only 3 & much littler than him & we won't be able to play together if we can't play gentle with the bugs, etc. I also explained to ds that sometimes people aren't nice to creatures a if someone is doing something we are uncomfortable with we need to tell them to stop or not play with them.

it is just hard for me b/c ds loves bigger kids - I just hope that he keeps his peaceful nature. but you're right - he's telling the 7 yo that we have to be gentle & find homes for the bugs so he might rub off some on him but ds said he was sad b/c the kid tore off the bugs legs. I'm just learning I'll just make sure to be there & set limits as I feel appropriate & be honest w the 7 yo & ask him to find somewhere else to play if it gets out of hand.

[Lovenest]

Well how about when the older child comes over set up something for them to do. Like say how about you guys ride bikes, paint, swings, chalk, bubbles instead of leaving the 7 year old to amuse himself (and your son) with the behaviors you do not like.

[Alkenny]

I think you're doing great with your repsonses to the 7 year old and your DS already. Just continue supervising their play.

[TurboClaudia]

something about this thread and the original post is bothering me but i can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is...

i also believe children of all ages should be allowed and encouraged to play with one another as they are comfortable to do so.

we live in a neighborhood with a bunch of kids, and our two boys are amongst the youngest at age 3 and almost 1. our 3 year old loves the two brothers that live next door, ages 4.5 and 7. and an 11 year old lives just next door to them that he really likes, too. for the most part, the behaviors i see from these kids are ones that i would tolerate from my own children as they will get older. there are a few other kids in the neighborhood that i am not fond of their behaviors, and when i see the doing something unacceptable i have taken to saying things like "i won't let you throw rocks. please find a ball to play with." or "i was also standing right here when M____ was talking and he said X, not Y." i only share the facts of my observations and try not to share judgments. since they are older, they don't come to our house often, but when there are kids my 3 year old's age or younger at our house, i will share our house rules, like "balls are for rolling inside the house. you may roll the ball in the hallway." or "drinks and snacks stay in the kitchen, please." i'm sure it will get more challenging as the kids start to get older and different people have different tolerances of behaviors and activities.

one other thing that i try to do when my 3 year old acts in a way that upsets another child is to point out physical signs that the child is upset. i also do this when another child is happy because of some kindness that happened or our child did. i.e. "look at S____'s face; he's sad and crying. it looks like he's sad that you took his toy away before he was done playing with it. the kind thing to do is to let someone finishing playing with a toy and then you can ask them if you can play with it." or "look at D____'s smile. he's so happy and excited that you are letting him take a turn with that toy. that was very kind."

for me, it's become very important to try and say things of fact as opposed to blame or punish or shame and also to help our children acquire the language and understanding of their own feelings and others' feelings.

~claudia

[mommy68]

Since he's only 3 yrs old he still needs to be supervised by you anyway. I would let them play under your supervision only. If you don't like the way the older child plays with your son then let the parents know you would prefer they don't play. They are a pretty good distance in age so she should understand that and if not too bad for her. It's your child. :

My kids play together nicely with their large age gaps BUT they are siblings and they know each other and I know what to expect from them. This child is unfamiliar to you so I don't blame you for having reservations about it. Just don't leave them alone, that's the main thing to do.