I'm looking for some tools for handling this sort of thing better...
We are staying at my parents' house for a couple of weeks. My sister is here, too, with her 3 kids.
Tonight, the adults were having dinner while the children played upstairs. As we were wrapping up dinner, my nephew (5.5) came downstairs and told his mom that my DS (also 5.5) hit him and that he doesn't want to play with DS any more. Then my niece (7) came down and said the same thing (that DS hit my nephew).
When DS came down a few seconds later, I said, "I hear that you hit your cousin. You really hurt him and he doesn't want to play with you anymore." Then I held DS on my lap for a minute and then asked him, "Do you remember what things we talked about that we can do when we hurt someone to show them that we're sorry?"
He said, "I'll give him a dinosaur!" --which was one of his suggestions when we were brainstorming about this, and which we had decided wouldn't really make amends for hurting someone. So I told him, "remember, we decided that wouldn't be enough. What else can you do?" He squirmed out of my lap and ran away.
By this time, my sister had taken her kids to their room to go to bed, and DS ran into their room. I said, "We're going to bed and you may not go in their room unless there's something you want to say to your cousin."
At this point, it somehow unintentionally became really important to me that he apologize, even though I don't really think that forced apologies do much good. Part of it was that I had a strong feeling that DS wanted to say something (because my nephew was still upset and avoiding eye contact with DS). But DS ran into their room and started being silly so I said, "your cousins are going to bed. Is there something you want to say before we say good night?" DS sort of threw a "Sorry" towards the wall, so I said to my nephew, "Max wants to say he's sorry that he hurt you but he's a little embarassed." And then I picked up DS, said good night and we left the room.
As I put DS to bed, we talked about what happened, and it turns out that--while the play had gotten rough, he really didn't mean to hit his cousin and didn't even realize he had hurt him as much as he apparently did. And he also told me that having to say "I'm sorry" to someone is very embarassing and he doesn't think he can do it, even if he feels really sorry.
But it also occurred to me that--having been raised with forced apologies--I don't really know what else one can do to make amends for hurting someone.
When we were brainstorming about this, DS had lots of suggestions that involved giving the person something--a present, a surprise, a dinosaur. But the only one that I could come up with was telling the person how you feel about what happened--whether you're embarassed, sorry, confused about how it happened. This is what I always do if I've hurt someone physically or emotionally, and it's the only thing that I know of that really expresses both responsibility for what happened and the desire to make amends. But I think for DS, that's a little hard to do yet.
So, those of you who don't force apologies... how do your children make amends when they've hurt someone? And how should I have handled it better (I don't think we really did make amends to my nephew, and he still seems to be upset--though I'm sure he'll be fine in the morning.)
TIA.
We are staying at my parents' house for a couple of weeks. My sister is here, too, with her 3 kids.
Tonight, the adults were having dinner while the children played upstairs. As we were wrapping up dinner, my nephew (5.5) came downstairs and told his mom that my DS (also 5.5) hit him and that he doesn't want to play with DS any more. Then my niece (7) came down and said the same thing (that DS hit my nephew).
When DS came down a few seconds later, I said, "I hear that you hit your cousin. You really hurt him and he doesn't want to play with you anymore." Then I held DS on my lap for a minute and then asked him, "Do you remember what things we talked about that we can do when we hurt someone to show them that we're sorry?"
He said, "I'll give him a dinosaur!" --which was one of his suggestions when we were brainstorming about this, and which we had decided wouldn't really make amends for hurting someone. So I told him, "remember, we decided that wouldn't be enough. What else can you do?" He squirmed out of my lap and ran away.
By this time, my sister had taken her kids to their room to go to bed, and DS ran into their room. I said, "We're going to bed and you may not go in their room unless there's something you want to say to your cousin."
At this point, it somehow unintentionally became really important to me that he apologize, even though I don't really think that forced apologies do much good. Part of it was that I had a strong feeling that DS wanted to say something (because my nephew was still upset and avoiding eye contact with DS). But DS ran into their room and started being silly so I said, "your cousins are going to bed. Is there something you want to say before we say good night?" DS sort of threw a "Sorry" towards the wall, so I said to my nephew, "Max wants to say he's sorry that he hurt you but he's a little embarassed." And then I picked up DS, said good night and we left the room.
As I put DS to bed, we talked about what happened, and it turns out that--while the play had gotten rough, he really didn't mean to hit his cousin and didn't even realize he had hurt him as much as he apparently did. And he also told me that having to say "I'm sorry" to someone is very embarassing and he doesn't think he can do it, even if he feels really sorry.
But it also occurred to me that--having been raised with forced apologies--I don't really know what else one can do to make amends for hurting someone.
When we were brainstorming about this, DS had lots of suggestions that involved giving the person something--a present, a surprise, a dinosaur. But the only one that I could come up with was telling the person how you feel about what happened--whether you're embarassed, sorry, confused about how it happened. This is what I always do if I've hurt someone physically or emotionally, and it's the only thing that I know of that really expresses both responsibility for what happened and the desire to make amends. But I think for DS, that's a little hard to do yet.
So, those of you who don't force apologies... how do your children make amends when they've hurt someone? And how should I have handled it better (I don't think we really did make amends to my nephew, and he still seems to be upset--though I'm sure he'll be fine in the morning.)
TIA.
