Wish you were my birth mother

[EFmom]

Last week was the anniversary of the adoption of our older daughter, now almost 6, from China. We let the kids decide what to do for a (low key) celebration for these things, and dd picked dinner at a favorite Chinese restaurant.

We had a nice day and a pleasant dinner. On the way home we were chatting, and at her request, listening to John McCutcheon's song, "Happy Adoption Day." As we reached home, she suddenly burst into tears and started sobbing uncontrollably.

We went in the house and sat her on our laps on the couch to find out what was wrong. She said she was sad because she missed her kindergarten teacher and friends due to the summer vacation.

Dh and I didn't buy it. She's a kid who keeps her feelings close to her chest, despite our best gentle encouragement to tell us what's bothering her. Dh said, "You know, sometimes kids who have been adopted wonder about their birthparents and miss them. Sometimes they are afraid that their moms and dads would be hurt if they talk about the birthparents, but you know, moms and dads aren't hurt about that at all, and we think about your birthparents, too." She finally did admit that's what was bothering her, and we talked about it for a little bit. She told us how much she wished we were her birthparents. She seemed to feel much better afterward.

I wish it were easier to get her to open up. We've told her that we think about her birthfamily too and try to get her to talk, many times before, but usually just get a blank expression. I'm never sure if we are saying the right thing. I don't want to bash her over the head with adoption issues, but I do want her to be able to let us know what's going on. It seems like a fine line between making her feel bad about something she might not even be thinking about, and not keeping the channels open.

Anybody else face this?

[geekmom]

Yep, yup and yes. My 5 1/2 year old I got when he was 3 1/2. He should be legally adopted (by me) any day now. Anyway, he knows his whole birth family and we keep in touch with them as much as possible. Still, though, he'll talk to me about how I took care of him when he was a baby and such. He knows he was wtih his birth mother as a baby, but still puts that wish out there that I had taken care of him.

I bring up his birth family and adoption stuff as often as it seems relevant. Kids really need to process all the stuff that goes along with adoption. My son came from a neglectful and abusive house so he's got even more baggage. I think it's best to really help them process it early. It will come again at every life juncture, but if it's really been kept in the light and openly talked about then you daughter will probably feel more comfortable talking about it as she gets older and goes through the process in different ways. You won't make her feel bad if you discuss it.

[Laurel]

Re: Wish you were my birth mother

It seems like a fine line between making her feel bad about something she might not even be thinking about, and not keeping the channels open.

Last week I had the opportunity to talk with an adult adoptee in a group setting. We asked her how often she thought about her adoption while growing up. I was really shocked when she replied, "Oh, about 300 times a day!" I knew that children thought about their adoptions a lot, even daily, but I had no idea it would be that often. Anyway, I guess my thought was that even though this was only one person, and your daughter may not be exactly the same, chances are that she's thinking a good deal of the time about some aspect of adoption, and if you're deciding whether or not to bring up things, chances are it will be something she's thinking about or has thought about.

[granolamom]

Hi mamas,

i am an adoptee.I was adopted as a new born almost 40 years ago!!! When I was a child I wnet through all the typical adoptee dreams...Maybe my birth father was Elvis ( I was born in memphis!!) maybe my birthmom was a great jazz singer....sometimes i would wish my mom was my birth mom ,, at that age I did thin k of being adopted a great deal..................but now I am almost 40 and the fact that i am adopted only crosses my mind everyone in awhile...it is part of who I am...................

My parents are and were loving, respectful, a little over indulging..... They were very open with about my birth story and my mom even helped me find the name and location of my birth mother.

I have friend with an adopted daughter named lily. Lily keeps a little journal with her adoption "feelings". She writes down or draws any thought or feelings she has on the subject. She only shares what she is comfortable with sharing..She is 14 now and has had the journal since she was 6 or so.............................


Blessings to your family,

granolamom

[Piglet68]

Wow. I honestly gave it very little thought growing up. In fact, on my birthday my mother would always remind me to think about my birth mother. I still have to sort of remind myself that, on that day, there's a woman out there reminded of me. It doesn't come naturally to think about my birth mother or family. They've never mattered to me in that sense. My parents were always very open about the fact that I was adopted, and have always said they'd support me if I wanted to find my birth parents, but I've never wanted to.

Mind you, there have been a few times when I've wished I had my mother's genes: she's got a knockout body, even today at age 67 she is a hottie!

[EFmom]

granolamom, I love the idea of the journal with adoption feelings. My dd is only just turning six, so she's not able to write independently yet, but it is something I will encourage as her abilities get a little better. I guess I could even ask her if she wants to draw pictures to put in a "journal," although this is a kid who hates art/drawing, so I don't think that would be a hit at this point.

One of the things that's hard for me to deal with is that there is absolutely no chance of ever finding information about her birthfamily. I know that some people encourage their kids to write letters to their birthfamilies regardless. They just put the letters away. On some levels I like that idea, but it seems to me like it might encourage false hopes. I would have no problem with a child searching when she is older, but in our case, there is honestly zero probability of finding anything.

[steph]

EFmom, regarding the letter writting - even if there's no hope of ever finding her birthfamily, letter writting can be a good way to explore ones feelings. some people feel self-concious writting in journals, but can express themselves better in letters to "someone", even if that person never sees the letter. I'm not suggesting that she writes letters in hopes that someone will read them, only that that format can possibly be an easier way to express herself. just for what it's worth...