Is "thank you" a form of praise? - Page 2

[PrennaMama]

Oh Alfie...

Originally Posted by Deva33mommy

<snip>
It could be praise if you used it in that way. Like..."Oh, THANK YOU for throwing that in the trash! You are SUCH a BIG HELP!" etc etc. You know, kinda a manipulative way.

Would you automatically assume a parent using verbage like "Thank you SO much! You are such a BIG HELP!" is being manipulative? No snark intended, just wondering...

Originally Posted by elizawill

<snip>
honestly, i've thought about these praise threads in regard "to praise or not to praise", and i don't mind praise from parents....even if the mom is saying "thank you, your such a big boy and big help!" i think you can praise your child and still have them grow up emotionally healthy, but my heart really breaks for the child who never has kind words spoken to them at all. i heard a woman today screaming at her sweet child, and i felt so incredibly sad for him. i thought she was going to beat him right there in the grocery store: so i guess i'm speaking from that experience today, and in retrospect "praise" doesn't sound so bad to me right now.

I'm sorry you had to witness that... send him some good energy! :

Originally Posted by Steve's Wife

Thanks, this whole "no praise" thing is so new to me. I just finished reading Unconditional Parenting, and I think it may have done more harm than good for me because all I do now is second-guess every thing I say and do.

This is my concern when I look at these threads where folks are so focused in on Kohn's methodology. I think, taken in its pure form, and when one understands what the underlying ideals are, then it's a great approach... but I see a lot of folks get wrapped up in the NO PRAISE mentality. After hearing alot about it, I finally read it, and I was pretty blown away... it assumes a lot more about intent of parental praising than is warranted in some cases... I think it's a skewed curve... As a teacher and a nanny, I saw a lot of the generic, white-wash praise... the two dimensional stuff that parents who cannot be bothered to have a genuine interaction with their children would swipe across them in an effort to "throw a bone" emotionally, and I think the No Praise thing is AWESOME for those folks who fear they may be prone to do that sort of thing without a proscribed methodology to restrict them from it.

But really, fundamentally, it's about intent. I try to be genuine with dd. If she is acting out (due to whatever need, emotional, or physical, isn't being met) I try to first figure out what she needs, then address her behavior if adjusting my own performance as mom (feeding her, changing/pottying her, stimulating her natural inquisitiveness, etc...) hasn't done the trick. I try to treat her as I treat my equals for the most part... all folks, dd included, get the same considerations, couteseys, and benefit of the doubt.

Btw, I'm exceedingly mushy and gushy with my friends/loved ones. I would totally gush on a frined that lent a helping hand... "Thank you SO MUCH! That was a huge help." I think my friends and family rock, and tell them so, all the time. I'm no different with Prenna. If she (of her own volition) picks up some trash and throws it away, I will thank her resoundingly, high-five her, hug her, and tell her "That was so helpful and thoughtful!"

If SIL comes over, and randomly picks up or does some dishes or something, I will hug her and say "You're a saint... thank you SO much! I'm so lucky."

Thanking dd is part and parcel with teaching her about gratitude, respect, courtesy, etc. I model it in the world and with my child... And it shows. Folks (Uppety Harvard educated pediatritian Father in Law included) comment all the time on how articulate and polite and well spoken dd is... she'll be 3 in Nov, and she uses "Thanks!" "Your welcome" "Please?" and "excuse me" consistently. And I feel that comes from being treated with that same respect.

No Praise gets a bit ridgid for me when I customarily thank and praise and adore all the awesome people in our life who help out, step up, etc... Heck, I gush on servers who go the extra mile at our local breakfast joint! "You are a gem Thank you for being so understanding!"... I also let their managers know what a great job they're doing.

[Fuamami]

Well, I have wondered this before myself. My perspective is a little different, not because I'm particularly anti-praise, but because thanking someone can kind of take the ownership out of what they did, I think.

For example, I've seen my friends thank their older sibling for hugging the younger, or for sharing with them. I'm totally opposed to this. I shouldn't be part of that equation, IMO.

Also, when we've all done something together, I am actually more in favor of saying, "Good job!" or even better, "Look what a good job we did!" because thanking them after we all cleaned the bathroom implies that it is only my responsibility, and I'd rather they feel some responsibility for it, too.

There's a really good section in "Easy to Love, Difficulty to Discipline" on this issue, and on saying please when you're really issuing a command.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by PrennaMama

Oh Alfie...

I try to treat her as I treat my equals for the most part... all folks, dd included, get the same considerations, couteseys, and benefit of the doubt.

Btw, I'm exceedingly mushy and gushy with my friends/loved ones. I would totally gush on a frined that lent a helping hand... "Thank you SO MUCH! That was a huge help." I think my friends and family rock, and tell them so, all the time. I'm no different with Prenna. If she (of her own volition) picks up some trash and throws it away, I will thank her resoundingly, high-five her, hug her, and tell her "That was so helpful and thoughtful!"

If SIL comes over, and randomly picks up or does some dishes or something, I will hug her and say "You're a saint... thank you SO much! I'm so lucky."

honestly, i am the exact same way. i literally have my own notecard business, and it started out of necessity for me ...i love to write notes to people & thank them, encourage them, etc. i probably speak words of "praise" to my kids all day and i honestly don't even notice it. for me, i'm just genuinely loving them and it's part of my dialogue. it's from my heart.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by PrennaMama

Oh Alfie...

Would you automatically assume a parent using verbage like "Thank you SO much! You are such a BIG HELP!" is being manipulative? No snark intended, just wondering...

Nope. I was just trying to get my point across- when it's being used as a reward to dc for doing something good, then it's praise.
Like a pp said, sometimes it IS a big help. I could see saying to an adult "That was super helpful. I really appreciate it." or something like that. So...same would go for my ds.

This is my concern when I look at these threads where folks are so focused in on Kohn's methodology. I think, taken in its pure form, and when one understands what the underlying ideals are, then it's a great approach... but I see a lot of folks get wrapped up in the NO PRAISE mentality.

Yeah, I think most of these threads are academic arguments. kwim?
Even if I say I think something is praise, it doesn't mean that I'm necessarily saying it's a bad thing to say. I say some things to ds that are praise. I tell him "Perfect!" when I ask him to do something, and he asks if he did it. I tell him I like his pictures (sorry, I can't get away from that one!). I use words like "Nice" "Cool" "Neat" for lots of everyday things. lol
I'm not anti-praise. But I definitely think that specific praise is WAY more useful (and would have fewer negative effects) than generic "good job" type praises.
I guess what I'm saying (hehehe) is that my contribution is more along the theoretical/academic/discussion just for the sake of discussion.

Originally Posted by natensarah

For example, I've seen my friends thank their older sibling for hugging the younger, or for sharing with them. I'm totally opposed to this. I shouldn't be part of that equation, IMO.

Also, when we've all done something together, I am actually more in favor of saying, "Good job!" or even better, "Look what a good job we did!" because thanking them after we all cleaned the bathroom implies that it is only my responsibility, and I'd rather they feel some responsibility for it, too.

Good point about "thank you" in situations where you are not really involved.

And I guess I do the "good job" thing like that- if WE do something together, I'll say "looks good! We did a good job on that bathroom!" it's situations where *I* feel good about what we did.

[PrennaMama]

Originally Posted by Deva33mommy

Nope. I was just trying to get my point across- when it's being used as a reward to dc for doing something good, then it's praise.
Like a pp said, sometimes it IS a big help. I could see saying to an adult "That was super helpful. I really appreciate it." or something like that. So...same would go for my ds.


Yeah, I think most of these threads are academic arguments. kwim?
Even if I say I think something is praise, it doesn't mean that I'm necessarily saying it's a bad thing to say. I say some things to ds that are praise. I tell him "Perfect!" when I ask him to do something, and he asks if he did it. I tell him I like his pictures (sorry, I can't get away from that one!). I use words like "Nice" "Cool" "Neat" for lots of everyday things. lol
I'm not anti-praise. But I definitely think that specific praise is WAY more useful (and would have fewer negative effects) than generic "good job" type praises.
I guess what I'm saying (hehehe) is that my contribution is more along the theoretical/academic/discussion just for the sake of discussion.




Good point about "thank you" in situations where you are not really involved.

And I guess I do the "good job" thing like that- if WE do something together, I'll say "looks good! We did a good job on that bathroom!" it's situations where *I* feel good about what we did.

And as I was reading your post, all I wanted to do was you! Awesome.

(I'm very mushy)