Please help me (I've had it)

[sbgrace]

Please, please anyone help me.
I feel like a terrrible mother but I am at the end of my rope with Andrew (3.5, pdd-nos, verbal and highly volatile)

He is driving me insane. He's in his room right now screaming : : : and I'm crying. I've never done that before with him but I felt I didn't have any choice because I'm actually feeling soooo angry.

I hope someone can help me. He throws fits all the time. This has been going on increasingly often over the last month or so.

He's been up less than 5 hours today. I've had at least 10 major fits--ranging from maybe 15 minutes to an hour.
The first fit was he wanted some fruit, no he didn't, yes he did...then in the middle of that he wanted to go in the pack n play, no he wants out, don't take him out, take him out. The pack n play is a common request in these fits. It is like he thinks it will help him but it doesn't or maybe it is just more of wanting/not wanting which is the typical pattern of these fits. If I say no pack n play he will often lash out physically at his brother or someone/something else in the hopes I will respond by taking him there. This fit went on about 45+ minutes. Then it was videos (wanted to keep watching them), then eating/not eating/eating/not eating again, then I was putting laundry in the dryer and that caused some type of fit over I still don't know what. He's so hysterical immediately that sometimes it is hard to tell what he even wants...though if he gets what he wants he suddenly doesn't want it anyway. I've had plenty that he wants to read this book, no that one, no the original one. I would read any book.

This was a really nice series of wanting a video fit moving into pack n play into food into book ending in him in his room after an hour of it. In these fits he is listening to me and can at least momentarily stop crying if he thinks it will get him what he wants so he doesn't always seem completely out of control usually.

I hate him getting so angry but no matter how I respond or don't respond he seems to escalate. Everything I do is wrong.

I don't know what in the world to do. He screams and cries and throws himself around. It is like a tantrum I guess except he doesn't know what he wants. He is aware of me so I feel I'm feeding into it but I don't know what to do.

[sbgrace]

Hmmm...at the end of that post I noticed his screaming had turned into more like happy screaming then by the time I finished he was sort of cackling.

I went in and he came out and was fine. What do I make of that? The fit prior to that had lasted forever.

I don't like the idea of putting him in his room (his crib actually as I'm afraid he would hurt himself otherwise) by himself. I also don't like putting him in his sleeping space when he is that mad. But now I'm confused; what in the world?

He's been out for about 10 minutes and now he's asking for a train video so we're probably in for another fit. I'm so frustrated.

[FancyD]

I've got no answers, as I'm in the same boat :

[logan&jordansmommy]

Oh Rachelle I am sorry. I don't have any advice sorry. I personally don't think it is bad to put him in his room by himself but others may have better ideas. Sometimes I think they need their space to calm down when other attempts don't work and it did seem like it worked in this case. Other times when you have put him in his room by himself did he calm down?

Since he is verbal you could just calmly tell him you are putting him in there until he can calm himself down. When he is ready to come out let you know. I don't know, maybe someone else will have a better suggestion.

Big hugs!

[FancyD]

I have to put DS in the playpen while he rages. It's the safest spot for him. He was bashing his head into the wall, and I cannot allow that. I don't think that there's anything wrong with catching a break, for the both of you.

[feebeeglee]

Bede has much less functional language, and when he has those sorts of reactions all it is is screaming and we get nowhere. He gets one screech of rage and then he and I walk to my bedroom, and he willingly goes in. I say "Bede, come out when you're done screaming" every time, then I close the door and he comes out in about ten minutes, usually.

That's how it is now - when we started he'd come right back out and scream at me some more, but I'd put him right back in. Never forcefully, and utterly without anger on my part or any reaction at all if I could help it (very hard) Now he goes in, screams and thrashes on my bed, then is quiet, then laughs, then comes out. Sometimes he comes out quickly, still angry but no longer screaming, and wants some heavy pressure in the form of hugs from me.

I can't take the screaming. There are about to be 8 people in this house and the common areas have to be scream-free or we all wear out. I used to feel kinda bad about it, like I was abandoning him, but he does so much better without me to react to, yk?

[lovingmommyhood]

On the rare occasion when my 2 1/2 year old gets out of control (kicking yelling, crying & just basically freaking out) I have to put him in his crib also. It allows me to step back &take a breath and it allows him to do the same. Please don't feel guilty about that.

I'm sorry I don't really have any answers for you but I wanted to tell you that I looked at his picture in your sig and I think he is so adorable. Not that that helps your problem.

[wendy1221]

I used to put Damien in his room all the time when he had those types of fits. I didn't know what else to do. I still don't. Now that he's older, we can usually trace it back to some sensory overload or something, but back them, it just seemed to happen out of nowhere all the time. I just used to tell him he could come out when he was feeling better and ready to stop screaming, etc. It worked. I don't see anything wrong with it. I still send him to his room when he's feeling overwhelmed. He knows he can come out when he's calmed down. Often he'll go try to be by himself before it gets to this point now, but since he shared his room with his brothers for now, it doesn't always work out.

[Lovenest]

My son use to do this all- the- time!
Uhhh those days (and it was everyday) were ruff and we still have them sometimes just not as often so I am able to recover. We have done the room thing for about 2.5 years now my son will be 5 in August it is slowly getting better.
We do not call it a time out we just call it Dorian time.
He would get very violent with us when he got mad, did not get his way or for no reason at all he would go into these major fits/tantrums were it was like the lights were on and nobody was home.. he looked crazy.
We found out the only way for him to settle down was to go through the motions (or as we jokingly, I swear its just a joke! "exercising the demons")..which was/is sometimes still a screaming, insane, scary tantrum. It would sometimes take 5 mins of him being upset to a hour. But, he would end up settling down and I would be able to tell him when he was done to come out or physically go in and ask if he was all done, sometimes he wasnt (I knew as he would be foaming at the mouth) or he would be crying instead of screaming and that would mean he was done.
I am attachment parenting momma and this was very hard but there was NO other way to do this, I will end up with getting hit with something and getting too upset trying to
make him stop.

Hugs to you mama!

[mamaverdi]

[kchoffmann]

I too think it's more than okay to keep him contained when he's feeling out of control. When Ezra tantrums I take him to his room and we stay in there together until he's done.

[fluttermama]

Is there something that you can do sensory wise for him in these times? Wrap him in a blanket and rock him, or have him push really hard on your hands as hard as he can, or a nice tight hug...

[sbgrace]

Thank you all so much for the support. I feel less alone!

I guess I'll try the room thing again tomorrow since it did seem to work today. I don't know that it will (I feel doubtful) but if it does I guess it is better than how things are going now.

Originally Posted by fluttermama

Is there something that you can do sensory wise for him in these times? Wrap him in a blanket and rock him, or have him push really hard on your hands as hard as he can, or a nice tight hug...

I wish...I've tried all that and more and nothing at all helps him when he is like this. Actually, I think that is what hurts me most. I feel so incompetent as a mother that I can't calm/comfort my son when he is like this.

OT's have told me that the sensory stuff for many kids has to be done before they hit those episodes--not during. That may be true for Andrew. Problem is he has these without any warning that I can tell and so frequently.

I just keep thinking maybe something is physically wrong and he can't tell me. Headache? Reflux? We've weaned off reflux meds, blood sugar, who knows.

[RedOakMomma]

We also contain our son (in a front room with a window) when he goes into these rages. With our older twin, only the room works to truly calm him down. He actually looks relieved when we lead him to the room now, and the time he spends there is much shorter. With our younger twin, holding him tightly and singing works.

You're not a bad mom for using a kind of "timeout" approach. It may not be AP, but listening to your child's cues is AP....and if he needs to rage, and have a safe place to do it, then you're being a GREAT mom for helping him through those times in a safe and loving way.

...And it is loving (!), to keep your cool and do what he needs, when he's acting that way. Don't guilt yourself and think that a "loving" mom would find a way to hug/kiss/sing/reason the rage away. If what he needs is a safe place to rage, then give him that and get rid of the guilt. He'll let you know when he changes enough (developmentally, at the end of this phase, whatever), that he needs something else to get through his emotional times. And you know, you do!, that you're an attentive enough mom that you'll see the difference and start working with him in a different way. Putting him somewhere safe now, at age 3.5, doesn't mean you'll be putting him in locked rooms or timeouts when he's 6 or 10 or 13.

I'm sorry it's been tough recently.

[Susan Kunkel]

I have done time alone in your room to calm down. Sometimes it is the only thing that would work.He can now handle time with books on the first landing.
Susan

[Jennifer Z]

This is something that will probably get better as he gets older. Like a PP said, now I am much better at figuring out the trigger, and it is usually sensory overload, and because of that I am much more able to keep it from escalating into the rage. If you can catch it earlier, a lot of time OT type stuff can help solve it before it become overwhelming.

When he was younger, it was really, really hard. Much worse than I ever admitted to ANYBODY, online or IRL. I would put him in his room and just sob uncontrollably as I held the door shut because I didn't know what to do anymore. It was horrible.

Some of the other things that might help is to turn the lights off in the room, or have a box or closet, or some "cave like" thing he can crawl into, or a heavier blanket he can wrap himself in. I found that if I was calm and I could take him into a quiet dark room, gather him on my lap, hold him as tight as possible with my hand on his chest and rock back and forth it calmed him down faster than anything else. If I was in public, I would do much the same thing, with his face against my chest or buried in my arm to block out the light and sound as much as possible, and rocking him while hugging tight. Sometimes making a rhythmic sound also helped (like "cha, cha, cha, cha,...).

The biggest help in avoiding it was to have a mini trampoline in our living room, right in the center of the action. He would go bounce on it every once in a while, all through the day, and it really helped reduce the raging fits probably more than any other single thing.

[MindfulMama]

It is so hard. I know I have tried everything it seems. The only thing that really works for me is trying to stay ahead of him and predicting. He used to do the back and forth changing his mind thing constantly, it was exhausting. I had to try hard to think ahead and not get into those positions. Really choose what is worth having a power struggle over. He clearly is not able to self regulate. Mine fed off my upset and my talking or responding in any way verbally seemed to a fuel to the fire for this very sensory seekiing child. He is 8. I have learned ( not alway do I apply) that if I speak softly, firmly and withouth attatchment, I am more successful. That doesn't mean the rage will stop right away. The key is to remain ditatched and allow them to go through the rage with you nearby (if possible) but letting them know that you wil help them when they are ready. I often try to reassure him that he will learn how to get himself in better control one day, and try to use detatched, compassionate, encouragement (if possible) But do not bend. If you said no to something, compassionately stay the course. The trick is often to choose what is really important to say no to. The book The Explosive Child has some very great suggestions and insight to understanding how to help these volitile little ones. Mine is now 8 and I have at times held him tightly through his rages letting him know that he was okay and I would hold him until he was done, and I let go the minute his body settles and than offer him a drink or a tissue and we go back to solving the problem as briefly as possible. It is so hard. Mine has expresive language challenges and motor planning difficulties and as well as being easily overstimulated by the "feelings around him" sometimes I think he is a walking reflection of the energy in the room. It is very challenging, but he's a love and needs me to figure it out. We can only do the best with what we know. When we know better we do better. Hang in there it gets easier, and we get better at walking away when we need to and staying detatched, that's the hardest part. I've clearly begun to realize that I can't fix it once we are in it, I can just stay with him through it. Even if he's in his room you are near enough to let him know you are there for him when he's done. He will only learn through his own internal mastery. It's important to help them learn to help themselves during less volitile upsets and use those for teaching moments and just ride the other ones through. After one of my son's rages after losing a swimming privalege, he simply asked if he could try again the next day. Hurray that was success. We were both exhausted but peacefully resolved.
These children are a mystery and we have to be scientists to figure out what things are setting them off. I hope this was helpful....I hope the rest of your weekend as peaceful as possible.