The freakin' TV

[Neldavi]

Ok, I'm feeling really disjointed about this and just need to kind of have a conversation. Any advice welcome.

In general, I try to set up my home and life so that I don't have to say "no" to 3 year old ds much at all. I don't limit food, I let him make messes as long as he helps clean up, et cetera et cetera.

But the TV. We don't have cable .. we get reception of a few channels but hardly ever turn it on, so I'm really talking about videos. I'm not comfortable with him watching as many as he wants. We kind of did that this winter when I was mostly in bed with the baby and there was 2 feet of snow outside, and he watched A LOT. I feel like TV has addictive qualities so I really don't trust him to self-regulate. I don't really want to be a completely TV-free home because I like watching movies (1 or 2 a week) and I don't see the harm in ds watching videos in moderation. So that leaves limiting/making rules surrounding the TV, which I hate, and I'm having a hard time coming up with practical limits that ds understands.

He's having a hard time in general right now (3 year old stuff, plus new baby sister, plus he's still a little insecure from the move we did in December, I think) and can freak out and have crying fits at the smallest thing. Watching movies makes him happy, but he starts crying as soon as the credits roll, and is seriously grumpy for at least a half hour afterwards. Every time I say "no movie right now" there's a mild to serious freak-out. And he asks all. day. long. And I hate saying "no" all day long.

I tried doing "no movies unless it's dark out" but it doesn't get dark until 9 pm these days, which is often bedtime for him. And it seems kind of arbitrary, too. I mean, what if it's a perfect rainy movie day? That's the thing about rules ... it seems like there's often no room for flexibility.

Ok, this is getting long so I'll stop. Thoughts?

[hippymomma69]

Not sure how to help as we have the same problem....but maybe you could make a rule like "only 2 videos a day" and then let HIM decide when to watch them? (you'll have to remind him, of course, the first couple of days that if watches them first thing, then that's all for the day! LOL)

I notice that once I've broken the "barrier" for the day and let my DD watch one, then she begs for more...but up until the first video, she's doesn't argue if I say "no" - so I guess that's the addictive quality!

good luck
peace,
robyn

[Ruthla]

Maybe "no videos except for special occasions"? Just set them up as a special treat? Or "you don't seem to act very nice after the videos end, so we're going to have a "no videos" rule for a few weeks" and then stick to it. He may stop asking after a few days.

[LilyGrace]

We had a no-tv house for a few years, and now that we do watch some I have had to come up with rules surrounding it.

One thing we do is treat movies as something special. We make special foods, do activities that go with it..so that even after the movie stops, the fun doesn't.
For the rest of the time, my 8yo and I had to come up with a contract or else he would watch as much tv as he could (we tried no rules for a month, it was all day, every day in front of the screen). However long he reads he has equal screen time for. It seems to work out pretty well. Today he ended up with an hour of screen time. He used a quarter of that to play the Nintendo with a friend and then they ran off to play.
We do have shows we enjoy as a family or use for school that don't bite into his time, so on average he's still getting an hour a day.

[elizawill]

i think rules are guidelines, not zero tolerance, yk? i have rules in my house and i am a very schedule oriented, meal planning kinda gal....but i certainly recognize the need to be flexible within that. the schedule is meant to work for me and make life easier, not work against me. if you all eat supper early (we eat at 5:30 or so) you could say no movies til after supper. if it's rainy or if he's sick, be very flexible. or you could tell him only 2 or 3 hours a day for TV and let him chose what he wants to watch and when, and mark off the time as it is used up. maybe that would work???

[Jules411]

I agree with the other posters. While they enjoy and I guess it gives them a downtime of sorts and there are some good programs, I think of the tv as a tool for me to use when needed. So in our house that translates into videos when the youngest is napping (shortly after lunch). So the older 2 (5 and 3) are watching tv, I get some time to clean up, pay bills or whatever....a moment of peace! We all know and understand when the video time is. Although I have to admit early morning tv started when 2 of the 3 were getting up at 4:45 or 5am for awhile in the winter and I just could not deal with that. So I let them watch a video in the morning until I got coffee into my system. Now, that is a slippery slope because they sleep about an hour longer now, but we are still in that habit and I use it to get laundry started and read the paper, check email and stuff. I keep saying we are going to put an end to morning tv, but it is hard to give up (for me and them!). So what do I know!!

I also agree that, at least my kids, can not self-regulate watching. They would watch and watch if left with PBS on. I think your ds would eventually stop asking if you had some kind of set time or set #of videos or in the morning you tell him when video time is so he knows it is coming. It may take longer for him to adjust as it sounds like you want some flexibility in when tv will be on, so it may vary every day. But maybe with a limit on the number, he will have an easier time getting used to that.
Good luck!

[hergrace]

We are struggling with the same issue. We used the TV as a babysitter more often than we liked to get through my pregnancy. Now that the triplets are with us, we still find that we need it from time to time, but less than we did before. We are trying to find rules that are flexible enough that we can sometimes pull out the telly when we really need it, but still have limits.

Our current rule is that tv and movies are only for weekends, and that works as far as it goes. However, because we haven't established how much he can watch on the weekends, he still tries to negotiate for more every time. Our next step - when I get a moment to make the chart - will be "2 tv episodes each weekend day and 1 movie per weekend. Later, we will probably add the option to earn a second movie with good behavior." The total is still more than we like, but he doesn't always watch that much and we do need the option some days when the triplets are acting up.

[blessed]

I think you were on the right track with 'no videos until dark'. He's 3 yo - he can understand that it gets dark later in the summer. Just adjust. Make it 8 pm instead of 'dark' during the summer.

Dd would watch videos all day if I let her. So we have inflexible rules - only at naptime (she falls asleep to a movie) and only at night. She doesn't bother bugging me about it because she knows there's no point. You just have to be consistent.

[carmel23]

we're pretty anti-TV, only do videos (no cable or reception of anything ) There is no alloted amount of TV per day--and it is up to me to decide. Often I say NO and there is no negotiating. That is how it is... there is a lot to do, and movies are just one of many options. We don't watch more than 30 minutes per day, and probably less than that if we divide it out (if we watch a movie, then that is 3 days worth of 30 minutes).

When they start to bug me about it --I unplug the thing. It stays unplugged for weeks, and then we'll get a movie from the library of greencine and re-plug the thing in... They stop asking for it after a few days.

But, you do have to fill in the blanks a bit--read more books, have more crafts, bake or something, go on a walk or to the park, etc. Once they're redirected into something else, they forget about the box.

[KJoslyn78]

we are currently going thrus a hard time with tv/movies too... and are going to try a "ticket" system...yet one will be for a certain amount of time (ie 30 minutes of tv, 1 movie, etc...). This week has been hard, first it was rain storms, and since monday night my oldest is laid up, so we've spent a load of time inside while i tend to her.

you could try making a ticket or 2 for him to get after breakfast (or snack or whenever you want) in thr morning, and let him know he can hand them into you when he wants to watch a movie - but when he has no more tickets for that day - no more movies.

[Dragonfly]

I finally let go of the TV issue and it's gotten so much better. I always thought and said that I had to control the television because my son was one of those kids who just couldn't moderate. Turns out it just seemed that way because he was rebelling against my rules.

I let go, he watched a whole lot for short period of time and now watches much, much less than he ever did. I also got a DVR a few months ago so that we can record the things that he wants to watch and he can skip through the commercias (those are my biggest pet peeve). It makes watching TV more of a conscious thing for him and also has him spending even less time in front of it. Even without the DVR, though, letting go was the key. It made such a huge difference in the amount of attention he paid to the darned thing.

He'll now turn it off of his own accord, something that he never used to do.

Anyway, just another option to think about.

[Neldavi]

Thanks for all the replies and ideas. It's helped me narrow down what my actual issues are.

I'm sitting here saying "no, no, that won't work, I don't want to do that, can't do that for this and that reason" but that's because what I want to happen is completely unrealistic ... ie: my 3 year old spontaneously deciding that he only wants to watch one movie a week or so.

I do use videos as a babysitter. Not something I'm proud of, but there it is. Since he's going through this insecure, clingy time it's an easy thing to keep him happy and give me some space.

I'm really uncomfortable with "rules". The rules I do have are easily explainable. It's harder to explain why 5 hours of movies a day is bad. He won't just accept it. Hard to believe, huh?
I generally look at rules as having to be followed completely consistently, especially with little kids, so they don't get confused. And I haven't been prepared to be consistent with limits on TV. But obviously I'm going to have to be if I want to actually limit it.

[WhaleinGaloshes]

I have a real love-hate relationship with the TV, too. Like others have posted, the reality of my life is that I use it as a tool to distract DD and it really makes the day go more smoothly. Obviously, though, I want to minimize her viewing which isn't entirely fair and flies in the face of several of my general principles

I also, on principle, don't like too many rules and think that left to their own devices children will (usually) self-regulate things in a healthy moderation. I also think that controlling anything too tightly or arbitrarily leads to a 'forbidden fruit' scenario where kids want it more because they live knowing it could be taken away in an instant. So I have tried to come up with a scheme that lets her know that the TV will be there dependably but I can't just leave it on all the time.

What works for us is first thing in the morning (when, quite honestly, I need it the most.) The TV goes on (when she asks, which she does without fail) and stays on until she's done. Once she's finished and moved on to something else it goes off and stays off for the rest of the day. She understands and anticipates this very well and it really helped eliminate TV-grumpiness. I considered using 'after nap' or 'after lunch' as designated TV time, too, but the morning is when I value the freedom the most. My only concern with 'after dark' is as you said, it's variable and too close to bedtime; my DD actually sleeps better when she's not been watching before sleeping.

[elizawill]

hmmm, this thread is interesting. i honestly love structure and i don't mind rules at all...i have them and need them to practice GD effectively and keep me sane. but i don't have any rules about TV time. we only get PBS here and i have tons and tons of kid friendly videos. my children don't have designated TV time at all. they can watch it whenever they want except dinnertime, because we eat as a family. but even then, sometimes we have had pizza night and a movie and eat in front of the TV. we only have one TV in our home, so we all have to agree on what we watch. having said that though, my children play most days and actually don't watch TV all day at all. they entertain themselves in their bedrooms for hours, or we have a trampoline and a swingset with a very large backyard. today we went to the park (in walking distance) and they loved it. i might implement a designated TV time if it was taking over, but after i read dragonfly's post, i realized we don't have any regulations on TV and it works out fine in my home too. most days, i turn the TV off because it's been left on while my children abandoned it to go and play.


i wanted to add that during the school year i will regulate it some. i homeschool, and i don't want the TV on during our studies.

[bellymama]

it definitely sucks to say no to your kid...but sometimes you just have to. he's 3...he will have a hard time setting limits for himself. he wants what he wants, when he wants it...who can blame him. but i think that if you stay strong with whatever it is you think is the best thing (no videos, one video a day, no videos till such and such time, whatever that is to you) he will slowly accept it. in my remembrance of my childhood, when my mom said no, that was that...period...and i loved my mom, i don't think she was overbearing or hindered my independence. she set good guidelines for me that i couldn't set for myself at that age.

[fuller2]

Just put the TV away where he can't see it--in the closet upstairs or something. Then you won't get it out unless you REALLY want to watch it, and he won't see it and be reminded of it. It will be such a pain in the neck to get it out that you will find other things to do.

I am in the no-TV camp, though I did recently get something to play videos on (mostly for me!). But I keep it shut away and it only comes out maybe once every 2-3 months.

I sort of wish I had never gotten it at all, though, and if the thing broke I would not get a new one. In the long run it has caused more problems than it solved, because of the begging. Life was more peaceful without it.

There was a study done recently that linked heavy TV-watching by babies and small children to the rise in autism in the past 15-20 years.

TV is designed to be addictive. In many ways I don't think it even matters what is showing on it; I think 90% of the effects of TV are simply the physiology of watching it and have nothing to do with content.

I don't see any benefit to children from watching TV, unless it is simply to get them a less-crabby mommy. (which admittedly may be a very good thing)

[Justmee]

We are in the self regulated tv camp. I ocassionally turn it off, but they are pretty good about it. Usually I turn it on for them when requested and they wander off within a couple of minutes. My 2yo doesn't watch at all.

My neighbor's kids have trouble regulating TV and she allows it only on Friday. It works for them.

[Neldavi]

Originally Posted by bellymama

it definitely sucks to say no to your kid...but sometimes you just have to. he's 3...he will have a hard time setting limits for himself. he wants what he wants, when he wants it...who can blame him. but i think that if you stay strong with whatever it is you think is the best thing (no videos, one video a day, no videos till such and such time, whatever that is to you) he will slowly accept it. in my remembrance of my childhood, when my mom said no, that was that...period...and i loved my mom, i don't think she was overbearing or hindered my independence. she set good guidelines for me that i couldn't set for myself at that age.

Yeah, I know. The real issue, I realize now, is that *I'm* not willing to limit the TV for *my* benefit .. ie: peace and quiet. But at the same time my mind is saying "ick .. all these movies are just NOT good for him". That's why I was feeling so disjointed about the whole thing, 'cause it's not fun to admit that it's really MY problem, not my kid's, yk?

So I think what I need to do is bite the bullet and unplug or put away the TV downstairs to only be taken out for special occasions. We have a TV upstairs in our room too. That one can stay for nighttime videos (we really don't spend time upstairs during the day). I have to get dh on board, and it'll probably be ugly for a few days (from ds, not dh), but we'll benefit in the end .

[Terrilein]

I let my dd watch some TV in the morning - normally not more than an hour. And then in the late afternoon/evening (usually after dinner) she can either watch a film or watch sponge bob. In the morning after TV time - she helps me clean/go shopping or needs to find something to do herself (she's 6). After lunch we go to the playground - weather permitting - and/or we play games together inside. If I'm not feeling well or dd is sick, then TV gets used more to keep her still and not jumping around and making 3 million requests. And she's really ok with this . . . now. When she was in pre-school and I picked her up for lunch, the first thing she wanted to do was to watch TV. It took quite a while for her to stop making this request and just accept that we don't watch TV all day long. So having some general guidelines is helpful and allowing exceptions and being flexible makes the kids happy, too.

[naturegirl7]

we do videos here too. DS is 2, he gets 2 movies a day, one in the morning and one in the evening (while I am cooking mainly). He knows he gets 2 - and he gets to pick them out. Sometimes if it is nasty outside or he is sick, he gets a "special treat" of an extra movie or two. At 2, he already asks for his movies "DVEEEEE!" and will pick out which one he wants to watch. he oftens asks for more (especially since moving and getting to watch extras during packing and unpacking) - and he does get upset for a bit after being told "no, you already watched your morning movie, later when mama makes dinner you can watch another one." But validating him, a big hug, and stopping to get him started on a new activity like reading or playing with blocks and spending 5-10 minutes with him playing and then he is content and I can do whatever I need to do.
If your DS is watching alot of movies, cut back gradually, like take away one movie every few days until you reach a number you feel okay with. I also only allow Ds to watch educational videos - Elmo, Barney, Blues Clues - so I know that even if he is watching TV he still has the opportunity to learn something, and I feel a tiny bit better about him melting his brain. plus they are shorter than a regular movie so he is getting half the TV time without him knowing it. I'm a sneaky mama when the need arises. LOL We do have some other movies that were gifts like Cars, Curious George, etc - but we rarely watch them. He enjoys them though.
GL - I am trying really hard to get DS back to 1-2 a day and it is soooo hard.