4yo and chores-how to make it fun?

[makbear]

I've been trying to get my 4yo to help out with chores around the house, like making his bed, helping fold and put away his laundry, water the garden, etc.
His is soooooo reluctant to do any of it, and complains and insists that he doesn't know how (I know that he does). I've tried making it fun, like a game and encouraging him and working with him, but he is still very anti-chores. At times he will just throw a complete fit if I ask him to make his bed. I'm sure it's probably normal since he has so many other more fun things he'd rather be doing, but I still want him to have a sense of being responsible for his belongings and helping keep our home environment a little tidy. Should I just wait until he's older to ask him to contribute to a tidy home? I really wanted to start out early enough that it wouldn't be such a drag to help out, but just part of our day. Is he too old or too young, am I being unrealistic? What do your 4yo children do, and how do you get them to help out? Thanks!

[InstinctiveMom]

I have a 4yo and a 5.5yo and both do chores with me. While I go to the laundry room and start loading/reloading the washer, I'll ask one to get the basket from the bathroom and the other to make a super-loop through the house and see if there's extra laundry that didn't make the basket. That's some sort of competition between them, I think. I don't question it!

They're cooperative when I ask about helping to take out trash, or do dishes or help with dishes - they're very big on "helping" me do things. We talk about "home blessings" and they like to sweep (sweeping bad feelings out, sweeping negative influnece or bad moods out, etc- but it also cleans the floor, lol).

Have you tried going after the "help Mom" factor? Or anything along the making your home smell nice, or look nice or feel better?

Tried reverse psychology (no, that basket is much too big for you, better let mom take it. Oh, I dont think you can reach the washer, better let mom put those in. Wow, that's a big stack of clothes - better let mom carry it to your room., etc)? It may sound trite, but it can work with some kids!

My boys follow me around endlessly, and never have played particularly well 'alone' (unless they're off mischeif-making), so giving them something to do keeps me from stepping on them, and keeps them from being off making a mess somewhere else.

I can't help on the making the bed thing. Mine like to do it. We've only just started making their bed, actually. I make mine, and I don't let them help (becasue I'm slightly picky about how it's done - which maybe made them want to do it??)

I don't think 4 is too young to start helping, but then again, I don't think 2 is too young to start helping, either Maybe too young to have a chore chart that they get rewards for (if that's your thing), but certainly old enough to assist Mom in her houseworking.

I've got smart kids, and I'm sure you do too. The helping is required of my kids. That's my "job" - to teach them how to be productive adults. Starting small, I think - by helping Mom (not being expected to do the entire chore all alone, but having set steps that are his and his alone to accomplish) is a great way to begin that training, IMO

HTH!!

[pixiepunk]

my DD, who turned 4 about 2 months ago, can get the same way as your DS. i have found that she is willing to help out when we do things together. can't send her off to the living room to pick up her toys, for example, but if i go in there and put some music on and say "let's pick up your toys" and then give her a specific job, like finding all the food for the play kitchen or putting all the blocks away, she will totally do that. but when she's done with that, i have to give her something new to do or she gets distracted. she still sleeps with us, as does DS, so someone is almost always asleep in our bed... alas bedmaking isn't something that happens much around here

and i know not everyone here is big on rewards, and i don't use them for chores (at least, not at the moment : ) but it does seem to help their initial motivation sometimes. we use a chart for DD for tooth brushing because after she had to have dental work she refused to let us brush her teeth and it was becoming a really miserable part of everyone's day (2 or 3 times each day). the chart totally turned it around. we did start out at the beginning with a few small toys frequently so she knew that we were serious, but then phased those out and started letting her build up to experiences like the family going to see a movie at the second run theater, or out to the chinese buffet or she gets to go to the garbage dump with daddy (one of her faves, btw).

[4evermom]

My ds is sometimes willing to work WITH me to tidy. I can't imagine him doing something completely on his own. About the only time I really "make" him do something is if he has made a deliberate mess in which case, I hand him a towel and tell him he needs to clean it up. I think he feels that he should clean up a spill in that situation because he does so without protesting.

[LilyGrace]

Kid sized tools are a must. My kids have a cabinet for their cleaning supplies that are all miniatures of mine. It really is a great incentive, especially when they know that they are the only ones who may use them.

Timers are a great idea - we use the sand timers because they're more visual than the kitchen timers. A child can get a LOT done in 3 minutes and not even realize it, but if you tell thim such and such has to be done, it's like pulling teeth. If you tell them they only have to work on it for 3 minutes, it changes the perspective.

Ask them - this, this, and this needs to be done. Do you want to do it before lunch or after? Giving a small choice in there helps.

Put on music. The Electric Main Street Parade is our favorite here, but closely followed by Animaniacs (I'm Mad, great grumpy morning song!). It's fun to swoop around like Peter Pan or act out the lyrics with the Warner Brothers (and Warner Sister )

Make it a Simon Says game.

Put up a picture list so there's a visual reference every day.

[mommy68]

I give my 5 yr old chores to do that I know she can handle. When I'm doing laundry she loves to fold the smallest wash cloths and will help stack underwear or socks. I don't expect her to just do any type of laundry. When she wants to set the table I let her and she does that often. The main area I want her to help out more is cleaning up her toys. She doesn't do so well with that. She would much rather help with mommy chores than to do chores that benefit her.

[mamazee]

My daughter has been helping out around the house since that age. I don't use the word "chores" because I'm afraid it has a negative connotation. I tell her I have a job for her to do, and now she expects that she is the one who gets to do her jobs. She makes her bed, makes sure the cat has food and water at all times, opens and closes the drapes morning and night, helps clean up rooms with me, puts silverware and tupperware away from the dishwasher, and she keeps asking for more jobs. I've started giving her a spray bottle of water with a little washing soda in it and a rag and she cleans the kitchen floor. She wants me to get a little vacuum cleaner that she can handle even.

For us what has seemed to work is if I don't *force* her to do them. I do my work and ask her if she's going to do her job or if I should do her job, whatever it is, and she usually really wants to do her job when it's put that way. But sometimes she'll be doing art or something and she really won't want to stop, so I'll ask if she wants to do her job later or if I should do it. Sometimes I do it, and I'm personally OK with that, but almost always she wants to do it and in fact she often asks for more jobs to do. I've tried to get creative - yesterday in addition to cleaning floors I told her she could spray spots she found on walls and wash them. Her goal is to vacuum but she isn't big enough to handle the vacuum cleaner. She also has a little broom and she likes to sweep the kitchen floor, but I have to re-sweep when she's done. I try to do it on the sly because she's sensitive to me re-doing her jobs.

[K's Mom!]

One thing that we do that really seems to make cleaning up toys and such a lot easier is breaking up the time. We will set the timer for 5 minutes; in that time she is expected to pick up toys (or other job) as quick as she can. When the timer goes off she can do her own thing; either play alone with her dolls or even get computer time (with learning to read games). Then go back to cleaning for 5 min. etc. This method takes a bit longer, but I've found that its very effective motivator. She is always willing to stop what she's doing to help with her job that needs to be done.

[MovingMomma]

Lots of great suggestions here!

When DD puts away her laundry she always wants me to count for her & she makes it a kind of race game.

[flapjack]

I'm with mamazee. We don't use the word chores- because it implies that something is done because it has to be done. I think the reward chart reinforces the idea that working in the home is unpleasant.

[twopinknoblue]

My DD1 will be 4 in 2 weeks, and she has responsibilities around the house. We don't call them chores....I don't even have chores. We all have responsibilities that aid in having a nice, tidy place to live, etc. It's just part of being a family. To me, chores seem like something that has to get done, and therefore you dread doing it. Our responsibilities don't HAVE to get done, but it sure is nice when they do, and when DC can help it's even nicer because then mama has more time for playing, going to the library, etc. This is what makes DD want to help.

We don't give rewards or allowance for completing the things you are responsible for. DD does get a small allowance, but she gets it regardless of whether her bed gets made, her laundry gets put away, or her toys get back where they belong. To us, receiving money to save, spend on yourself, spend on gifts, etc. is not a result of completeing some arbitrary set of jobs. It's just part of belonging to the family. My husband wouldn't deny giving me money if I didn't do the wash one week, or if he came home and our bed wasn't made (which happens quite frequently). We also don't want our daughter to be motivated to work or help others solely for reward.

So, I think you need to make it seem less like jobs and more like something that is normal and natural in family life. Don't insist that jobs get done, just let them happen, don't reward for jobs done because then the motivation is completely different. Also, don't expect too much. DD has really only 3 responsibilities here and they are put toys where they belong (which she's generally motivated to do because she sees that when they are left out they are likely to come up missing pieces, getting broken, etc), make her bed (again she's motivated to do this because she doesn't like the cat laying on her bed and leaving cat hair, so she makes her bed and leaves a blanket at the end for the cat to sleep on), and put away her washed laundry (she's a girl, she loves her clothes and needs no other motivation than that to get this one done ).

[waiflywaif]

Exactly. We all pitch in---the way to get kids to help, I've found, is really more about changing your attitude than any rewards or tricks. I also try to avoid any kneejerk parental phrases like "You made the mess, you have to help clean it up"---because I want to teach that we all help clean up just because we're a family and it doesn't really matter "whose" mess it is.

[makbear]

Originally Posted by twopinknoblue

So, I think you need to make it seem less like jobs and more like something that is normal and natural in family life.

This is exactly what I want to do!

Thanks everyone for all of the great suggestions! Now I feel like I have a bit more direction.
One of my biggest problems is that I do insist that things get done when I think they should. I know it's unrealistic and I really try to not be so demanding...it's really something I'm working to change in myself.
Thanks again for all the lovely advice!

[babycarrier]

My 4 1/2 yo is pretty good about helping along - we chat while doing chores and have fun with it. But, if he is not into it and I think it is something he needs to do, I count. I say 17 and he is off and running trying to get it done before I get to the stated number.

[zansmama]

I've noticed that the only regular "chore" that I've made a big deal out of (clearing the table after dinner), is the only one that ds resists...
Other than this, he is always ready to help, and that's all that I expect. He usually puts things away without being asked, but he does when he's asked, too. I don't expect him to remember certain things from day to day, and i try to respect his timeline, if possible. ( "okay, put away your shoes when you're done drawing, then")

[mommato5]

We turn on a timer and some music and say we are going to try and go as fast as we can. You would be amazed at the difference 15 minutes can make, lol.

[garviegirl]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

Exactly. We all pitch in---the way to get kids to help, I've found, is really more about changing your attitude than any rewards or tricks. I also try to avoid any kneejerk parental phrases like "You made the mess, you have to help clean it up"---because I want to teach that we all help clean up just because we're a family and it doesn't really matter "whose" mess it is.

This is what we do too - my nephew came over last week and floored me when he wouldn't help clean up the mess that all three children made. He picked up a blanket and one toy and said he didn't do anything else, so he wasn't going to pick it up. My 7 year old was appalled! We all clean up because we're a family, and we're a team, and we do what needs to be done.

Back to the OP - my 4 year old son does a lot if he's not overwhelmed. He is very good at picking up discarded shoes around the house and putting them in our big shoe basket and helping with laundry, and he is great about putting his own clothes in the hamper. He can clean entire rooms by himself but doesn't care to, of course. We recently got rid of a ton of his old toys and books and just junky stuff (nesting phase business for me) and now he has been taking real pride in keeping his room clean, and even trying to get his bed made. I think the fact that he has several jobs he can do, and do well, and quickly, help a lot with self-esteem and wanting to help out. When things are too cluttered, he can't deal with it.

[MOM2ANSLEY]

dd 4 helps put away silverware, put up some clothes...socks pj panties play clothes etc, puts up toys, brings hamper to laundry room, sweeps up crumbswith small hand broom/brush thing
she likes to do a good job, but if necessary we see who can finish 1st, or if we can beat the timer

[Adasmommy]

Originally Posted by makbear

One of my biggest problems is that I do insist that things get done when I think they should.

My daughter is almost three and she loves to sweep or dustmop with me (we have to have two brooms and two dustmops) and helps with other stuff. But if it's something she's not into doing, it works really well for me to say,

"Let's make your bed, then we can sit on it and read this book."

Or, "Good, now put your sandals in the shoe bench and we'll go make lunch."

You know, generally give a small (easily-confrontable) task as a prelude to something else.

I also often say, "Will you please pick up that book and put it on the coffee table so nobody slips on it?" I especially say this after she slips on it, but it works any time. Afterall, it's only one book!

[makbear]

Originally Posted by Adasmommy

"Let's make your bed, then we can sit on it and read this book."

Or, "Good, now put your sandals in the shoe bench and we'll go make lunch."

You know, generally give a small (easily-confrontable) task as a prelude to something else.

Fabulous idea! Thanks!