Need help now!!! Caught 4 year old dd deliberately hurting our 9 week old - Page 2

[forestrymom]

Well, if it were me, I would have reacted in the same manner! It must be very frustrating that this child that you love so much doesn't seem to love the new baby that you also love very much! I don't think that letting the deed go "unpunished" is a very good solution, but it seems that your older dc is acting out to get your attention, and possibly just to see what kind of reaction the baby has. I agree that it might be nice if you and she could find some special one-on-one time together, but I also think you were right in reacting to the situation. I also think that most 4 yo know when they are lying.

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It is VERY hard to supervise all the time. I would have done the same thing you did.

The lies, I think I would let that go, and think about how you ask her. If you already know she hurt him, don't ask. Just say something about how he is hurt, and have her show you what hurts. If she is pinching him, you can find it on your own. But, any kid is going to say "I don't know" when you ask why he is crying.

Just last year, I discovered baby carriers. It's the best way to keep him safe. For such a tiny one, I prefer wraps. But, a sling is great too. That way, she can't get to him, but you have your hands free.

When you can't hold him, or be with him, put him in a playpen that she can't get to.

In five years, when he does something to her.... remind her of all of this.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by janellesmommy

But I hope that after her discipline tonight and our huge discussion, that she won't do it again, but we're still going to be very careful.

I don't know your family, but I have dealt with new baby issues twice now, and the one thing I've learned is that you can't discipline or punish them away. I think that there are a lot of times in parenting when expressing your anger to your child can be effective. Sibling issues is not one of them.

The more you scold, threaten, and interrogate your older child, the more certain they will be that you do indeed love the baby more, just as they had secretly suspected. This will create a terrible cycle where they act out their anger on the baby while simultaneously testing their theory that they are now persona non grata. You will get angrier and angrier, proving their theory again and again.

At least that's what's happened around here.

Anyway, I'm in agreement with Maya44. Don't ask, just don't leave her unsupervised again. And try not to dote too much on the baby when she's around. And get her to help. My four year old and my baby are sooo close. Partly this is because she already knew how to be a big sister, and she didn't have nearly as many mixed feelings as when ds1 was born. And partly it's because she can really help with him. She can entertain him, make him laugh, pick out clothes for him, help put dry diapers on him, etc. She has a real sense of ownership.

[motherinlove]

Being a mother of five small children, I have gone through the sibling rivalry quite a few times. My advice, do not let the baby unsupervised with your daughter. Young children do not understand how fragile a baby is and may feel that him/her are more loved, which makes them jealous. The best thing to do is make your daughter feel special for being a big sister. Have her in charge of getting diapers or toys for the baby. Give her a lot a positive words for being a good sister, when she does something nice for the baby. And, definitely make time for cuddling and hugging her too.
My youngest daughter is two months old and my two year old son went through a similiar stage. When I was holding Isabella, Zack would scratch or hit her somewhat hard. We did put him in time out - he needed to know it was unacceptable behavior. We had to do this several times. However, I started to notice all he wanted was my attention. So, I took time out to make sure I cuddled with him to read a book or whatever else - his negative behaviors toward his sister stopped. And now, he is in charge of pushing the start button on the swing and the official diaper runner.
As for lying, as much as we become frustrated with being lied to - they too young to fully understand the concept. Yes, teach them it is wrong, but do not over react too much - it is simply a behavior that needs to be corrected.

[crazycandigirl]

Originally Posted by Inca

My kiddie-nurse used to tell this little story about how it must feel to get a sibling after having been the only child for a long time. "Imagine your DH one day coming home and presenting you to a woman like this: This is my new wife. She will be living here with us, but dont worry I still love you just the same." That story was an eyeopener to me at least..

Wow. That is a really eye opening way to put that. I can imagine it feels like that when you are so little and have no control over much.

[_betsy_]

In addition to supervision, a discussion about being extra gentle with the baby, more mommy and older child alone time, I'd also recommend getting your older child to help with baby tasks. Can she help you with diaper changes? Help pick out clothes? Anything to keep her involved.

[LolaK]

Someone once told me that bringing home a new baby is like your partner bringing home a lover and telling you "Honey I still love you just as much, but I love her too so we are all going to live together. No, sorry, you have no say whatsoever in the matter, I have already decided."

That really helped me put it in perspective.