could I be creating anxiety in DS??

[mamalita]

Hello all. I am a SAHM to a wonderful and spirited 12 month-old DS. I basically spend my entire day focusing directly on him (playing, singing, going to the playground, out for walks, etc. - whatever he lets me know he wants). I don't do chores until DH gets home from work. It's rare for me to leave the room where DS and I are playing, and if I do it's literally for mere seconds (ex: "mommy is going to run and get our yogurt"). We also cosleep and I even still hold DS for part of his nap (while surfing MDC); as he never really took to the sling. Anyway, the point of this ramble is that I recently heard that to constantly focus on a young child will set them up for anxiety later in life as they feel anxious if someone isn't always paying attention to them (as the caregiver did). Has anyone heard of this? Or perhaps experienced this in their lives? It just seems that DS wants me there all the time. If I even make a quick call to DH he seems to get ticked. Am I doing something wrong here? I don't want to create a basketcase - just a secure little person. Thanks for any input!

[fyrflymommy]

your ds doesn't sound like a basketcase to me. my dd has gone thru times when she wants noone but me.

maybe your ds is going thru a phase?

[joesmom]

this is exactly how i raised joe, he is four now & we still do so many things together, but trustme, he is QUITE willing & able to be alone for short periods of time. you are teaching your son that he is important, that will NOT damage him. keep it up, mama!

love, jenny

[L.J.]

I spent a lot of time with my oldest son. I tended to him constantly and could really anticipate his needs & wants. We played for the bulk of the day & I did little else. I think he really started to depend on me for constant entertainment, amusement & company.

When I was pregnant with #2, my home situation changed & I was forced into a situation where I had to do everything alone & had a lot less time for play. My ds had to start entertaining himself a bit more & although he sometimes got frustrated, I also noticed him becoming more confident, more creative & more independent.

After #2 arrived my oldest got even less time & seemed to blossom more.

I had just commented to my mom how at first I felt a little guilty about not having as much time, but then I started to notice how ds used to try something and if he couldn't do it I'd either do it for him or he'd call for me to come help & I would. Now, he asks & it takes awhile until I get there & by that time he's figured it out for himself. So now I ofen purposely wait to get him to do more things on his own and he seems to be gaining a lot more confidence.

My #2 has a different personality so it's hard to compare, but he has had to do everything with me.....like hanging out while I vaccum etc. and he seems to be more content. He is part of the chores & activities & really loves it. I feel a little bad that I didn't do more of that with #1. I had read about just doing things & incorporating the babe into it, but I didn't really get it figured out until #2.

I hope you find something helpful in my experience. Parenting is a journey & there are many different paths to travel. I believe that whatever we do provides opportunities to learn & grow. If you keep loving your child, he'll most likely end up being well adjusted.

[Ione]

Re: could I be creating anxiety in DS??

Originally posted by mamalita
(...) Anyway, the point of this ramble is that I recently heard that to constantly focus on a young child will set them up for anxiety later in life as they feel anxious if someone isn't always paying attention to them (as the caregiver did). Has anyone heard of this? Or perhaps experienced this in their lives? (...)

My own very very UNscientific observations of adults I know gives me the impression that the people who are anxious (and thus annoying) if they are not the center of attention are the same people who were never paid (positive) attention to as they were growing up...

That said, I do think children *need* time to be themselves and "live their own lives" so to speak and not be the focus of attention... just as they also need time when they are the center of attention.

But for me, the key is: moderation in all things, following the child's cues and offering them the opportunity to "do their own thing on their own" but never forcing them to do so if they don't want to/aren't ready to.

DD is only 6mo old so I can't really compare (and don't have much parenting experience under my belt) but I let her play on her own with me just hanging out (doing other stuff) nearby (same room except for 2second trips to get a glass of water, etc.) fairly often. At first, she'd have fun for about 2 mins. tops but now she often goes for up to 1/2 an hr before fussing for me... and sometimes even just checks to make sure I will respond before going back to playing. But I never forced her to, never left her alone fussing, always responded to her "demands"... just gave her the opportunity to play alone and let her decide if she wanted to or not.

(Of course, she's only 6mo old so time will tell if that was a good plan on my part or not, right? Who knows what I'll reap later?!)

[L.J.]

I had another thought after my first post.
I think it is absolutely okay to spend lots of time with our kids. I also think it's okay to do things like cook & clean & other chores & have them help or amuse themselves while we do it.
It's really a matter of balance. I think if there's some balance, our kids will definitely be okay.

[The Lucky One]

This word, to me, says it all: SPIRITED.

My ds, now almost 18 months, is also spirited and high-needs. I too, spend most of my day with him engaged in one-on-one type activities. Especially, if we are inside. If we are outside, he is more content just to have me around and nearby while he pushes his car and wagon about or squirts the water hose.

I read the Continuum Concept back in March and was kind of put off by the author's attitude about spending too much time focusing on the child.

I feel I spend exactly the amount of time with my son that he requires. Not more and not less. If I spent less time playing/reading/interacting with him, well, he'd be in tears a good portion of the day. And what's good about that? Nothing.

Of course, not all children are the same. IMO, less high-needs children are able to play alone more from an earlier age.

I trust that my ds will demonstrate to me when he is able to entertain himself for periods of time. I am in tune with him, so I know when to step back.

I have noticed that within the last month or so, his attention span seems to really have grown, and so he is able to play with his toys for small periods of time alone. I'll generally get him started, with blocks or his kitchen set for example, and then move away and let him go.

You are not harming your ds or setting him up to be anxiety-ridden in any way. I would think not meeting his needs by ignoring him or forcing him to play alone would be more likely to cause problems.

lisa

[captain optimism]

This is based on reading and observing children from other families, not my own mom-ing experience.

I understand that separation anxiety and aversion to strangers happens when the child gets more mobile--crawls and then walks. Don't a lot of babies start walking around 1 year? So your child is going to feel that need for attention right now. Later, he'll feel differently because he'll be used to being able to walk. That's what I've seen in all of my friends' children (and friends who are children.)

Also, I don't generally like arguments about childrearing that say, "If you do X when he is little, he'll always want X." Obviously, you should change your baby's diapers and you shouldn't give him a lot of alone time (like when he's eating or bathing!) because he needs you now, both emotionally and on a very practical level. Later, he won't need you to change him! Saying you shouldn't pay attention to him now because he'll be self-centered is silly in the same way. It's great that you CAN pay that much attention to him right now. (I hope it isn't wearing you out, though!)

I think our job is to give them what they need as far as we can tell, and not to anticipate. When he's in junior high, he won't want you to tell him whenever you are leaving the room! When he gets a job and gets married, he won't need you to get his yogurt! Now is now and later is later.

[Dodo]

I don't think that you're warping your child either way.

I do think that you might be setting up a difficult act to follow -- for yourself! As your tot gets bigger, you might resent not being able to do work in his presence. I sure did. At a certain point, I felt as though I was little more than dd's personal assistant. Not a good feeling.

But as long as you're happy and he's happy, all I can say is congrats on a job well done!

[Piglet68]

I think what's important is that you follow your child's cues and meet his needs.

I held my baby virtually all the time, during most naps, coslept, etc. I spent alot of time with her. But as she gets older, she is becoming more independent and wants to have some playtime on her own. I'm there, but doing something else. If she wants me, she will come to me or call to me. She doesn't play by herself all day, and we always go out and do something each day.

Anyways, my point is that if your child is not interested in playing on their own, exploring on their own, and if they really want and need you to be there, then you are not doing them any disservice by being there. Kids naturally grow towards independence, that is their goal! They do it on their own time though, and some kids need to wait a bit.

I agree with whoever said that the anxious ones are the ones whose needs were NOT met consistently.