The hardest part of GD is OTHER people, not my child!!

[Rainbowbird]

I am so tired of unwanted advice and people trying to "help" me discipline DS. No thank you, handling it just fine, thanks. Don't need you to chime in, use coercive tactics, sarcasm, or anything else that you happen to think is useful. I don't need to be interrupted when I am discussing things with him. I don't need it!

This is really starting to PISS me off. It has happened with two separate people over the past two weeks. Happens often with the inlaws. I do not think that I appear vulnerable, tentative, or naive about how to raise my child. I am 40 years old, confident, and happy with our choices about how to raise our children.

So why do some people think it's okay to get involved and even try to interrupt and change the way I am handling my child???

Today for example: my DS loses his coins that he found on our walk with a friend. She picks them up while he is freaking out. She won't give them to him or even tell him that she has them until he "stops and looks at her quietly". I spoke up and said, "DS, Carol has your coins. Please go over to her and get them." Which he did. Problem over, case closed.

I honestly don't know why she thought she was being helpful, witholding the coins and concealing the fact that she had them. She didn't use to do stuff like this. It really was escalating him! There were a couple of other incidents where she also was trying to be "helpful" but just escalated his behavior.

Odd thing is, I have had discussions with her about how we handle him, and it seems like it all went totally over her head and made her deal with him in a WORSE way. She just butts in in totally the wrong way.

I am beginning to think I need NEW friends.

OK, rant over, carry on.

[DevaMajka]

Yeah, it sucks when other people don't treat YOUR child with as much respect as you do.
Do you think your friend is doing it to be spiteful? Or is she possibly just clueless. lol.

btw, I love your location

[2bluefish]

Your friend sounds like an instigator - we got in trouble for that when we were kids! Since the coins belong to your child, I would have simply asked for them. Hopefully, she would have been adult enough to fork them over...

[cycle]

Yeah, everybody seems to be "discipline" experts. My mom has been very accepting (surprisingly) of CLW, co-sleeping, no TV, etc., but she still insists on telling me "if you would just smack his hand he wouldn't do XY or Z again". Its surprising too because she didn't spank us. We got the smack as teenagers when we mouthed off and she says she "tapped" my hands when I was a kid, but I don't remember. She visited a few weeks ago and I had to put her in check a couple of times for raising her voice at him and threatening.

Reading this it sounds like my mom is awful, she isn't and she is great with ds and he loves her, she just has a few old school methods.

[~PurityLake~]

I feel your frustration. Just today when my mom called, she asked me how are things, I said I'm frustrated because Abigail won't keep her panties or her diaper on and kicks me when I try to get them on, then she poops in her hand. (Grrr toilet training is a PITA!) So my mom says, you know you can't let her decide what she can and can't do, you're the parent, make her wear her diaper! And if you can't make her, you know what I think you should do which you won't do (meaning spank her).
If she knows, why does she keep suggesting it for all my frustrations?

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by cycle

Its surprising too because she didn't spank us. We got the smack as teenagers when we mouthed off and she says she "tapped" my hands when I was a kid, but I don't remember. She visited a few weeks ago and I had to put her in check a couple of times for raising her voice at him and threatening.

Reading this it sounds like my mom is awful, she isn't and she is great with ds and he loves her, she just has a few old school methods.

Gosh, your mom doesn't sound awful to me at all, not compared to what I went through as a teenager with my mom. She was on hormone supplements and had huge mood swings. She'd be fine one second and just raging at me the next, screaming at me. She'd send me up to my room just so she could count to 10, and admits it took 10 minutes of counting to 10 and she'd still be mad and not even know why. She used a belt on me and usually missed because she'd close her eyes, oh, and make me pick out which one and wait for her in my room. And I think I was a really good kid.

[mistymama]

Ugh, your friend sounds like a PITA. Why not just give him the coins!?

I had a friend who actually sat me down one day because she was so "concerned" about my "lack of discipline". ??? She said she understood that I didn't want to spank but thought I was making too much work for myself the way I was doing things, and that I needed to do "something" instead of redirecting and modeling the behavior I expect. I LET HER HAVE IT, BIG TIME. You know what's funny? Now my son is a few years older and she goes around telling everyone how the way I do things really works, how wonderful he is, well behavied, etc. She drives me nuts, and it bugs me that she was so judgemental in the first place!!

One time when ds was throwing a tantrum because we had to leave the Thomas train station at Barnes and Noble a lady stopped us (as I was struggling to carry him kicking and screaming) and tried to tell him that Santa wasn't going to come visit him because he was being bad. WTF??? I swear, if my hands hadn't already been full I think I would have smacked her!

Other people are by far one of the hardest parts of GD.

[olliepop]

My mom did something similar with my dd when she was 2. We were at a family bbq and for some reason, my mom was holding my dd's popsicle. When dd was ready for it, she said, "Can I have it, Grandma?" My mom said, "Say please," (and not in a nice way, more in a demanding way). My dd will almost never say anything if you ask her to say it. She's stubborn (and some say rude) that way.

I didn't have a problem with her asking for the popsicle the way she did b/c it wasn't rude. While it's nice of her to say please and while she says it most of the time, I think she still asked in a polite way.

Anyway, my mom holds the popsicle up so dd can't reach it and starts putting on a show for everyone around. "Say please, say please. You're not getting it until you say please." Now that all eyes are on dd, she's definitely not going to say it.

So I go over I ask my mom for the popsicle b/c dd is near tears and I say, "Here you go. You did ask for it nicely." And dd takes it and says, "Thanks Mama," and she's on her way. I'm sure that Thanks was really Thanks for getting me off the spot, thanks for not embarrassing me, and thanks for my popsicle. Not everything has to be a lesson.

[Rainbowbird]

Thank you for all of your responses, everyone. I know a lot of us are in the same boat with people who just aren't helpful with our efforts to raise our kids GD. Olliepop, you hit the nail on the head--not everything has to be a lesson!

This friend is a very generous, sweet person. But she's headstrong, too, and is a whirlwind sort of person. It's like, I'm always dizzy after a visit with her. Why am I friends with her? Well, she worked with my husband for a long time, and then she got a brain tumor, and we helped her and her husband through that, and so here we are..sometimes I think her health issues have impacted her behavior and judgement somewhat. She is fine now but I think maybe even a bit more random than she used to be. So I want to cut her some slack, but darn it, there is only so much I can take!

I know I do get very defensive about my son, because he is what most would term "a handful". On the other hand, he is also one of the most fun and interesting kids on the planet, and I think DH and I have figured out how to handle him pretty well, how to keep him on an even keel or at least help keep a bad day from getting worse. It would be nice if they could respect boundaries and our parenting styles. I am beginning to think I need some snappier comebacks. I usually just intervene quietly on my son's behalf and turn the situation around to my liking, but somehow this isn't enough for me anymore--I am getting fed up and I feel like telling these friends/relatives off!

Thanks for letting me vent, everyone. In the meantime I really think I will just avoid these two friends who have made me feel uncomfortable and defensive.

[kkeris]

I swear I could have written your post!:

I have met plenty of people like this and even worse, and none of them are now part of my current group of friends that I hang out with. Sometimes, when it happens over and over again and the other party shows no sign of willingness to learn and respect my child as a person, then maybe its just time for me to move on. It helps greatly that none of these people are friends I am very close to, so letting them go wasnt hard.

This week alone I met two random strangers who were just so condescending and plain RUDE with my DD when she was having a difficult moment in public. It took so much of me to not be rude back.

[mom22girls]

My mother does this in her GD way (there's a twist!). Unless someone is being really severe with their child, I never butt-in, but my mom will! My brother was at a family gathering, and he warned his son that he would have to go to time out (a concept I don't agree with, but that's another post) and my mother chimed in, "oooh, can I go too??" Whether or not you agree with time-out, she was interfering and undermining my brother's discipline. Or we could be at a park, and some mom says something stupid like, "stay out of the sand, you'll get dirty" my mom would hand the kid a shovel and say, you can't get as dirty as me... Argh, for good or bad, I think that kind of thing doesn't help the parent. My mother has an overzealous modelling technique that borders on the intrusive.... Being a parent is tough enough, we don't need unsolicited feedback!!

[Cujobunny]

Oh my, I was just going to post something along these lines. My ds is very verbal - of course he has fits about things, he's 2. But I always let him show his feelings, help him validate them, give him a hug or whatever he needs then when he can calm down enough so I can understand what he's saying, we talk about what it is that he wants. I don't thing we've ever had a full blown tantrum.

I am SO SICK of people interrupting us - trying to distract him from being upset or to coerce him into doing something - because, why, they think they can get him to do something better than me?????!!!!!

example - I was running his bath and the tub was full enough. He wanted to keep the water running while he was standing outside the tub and fill up a cup and dump it in the tub. I let him do it a few times, gave him notice that soon we would be turning the water off and getting in the tub. Inevitably, he still got upset when I turned the water off. So I did all the usual stuff, when MIL opened the bathroom door and started talking loudly OVER him about something that had nothing to do with what was going on - I can't even remember what she was talking about. I guess she meant well, but boy I was pissed.

The other one was yesterday, I picked him up from his home daycare. We said our goodbyes to the provider, and the other little boy there. When she shut the door, he started to get sad and saying he didn't want to leave. I got down to his level, took some time, explained he would be going back tomorrow, etc etc when the door opened and the provider started saying really loudly - GO WITH MOMMY, BE A GOOD BOY, GO WITH MOMMY!! OMG I was livid. I just ignored her, waited til she shut the door again and sat on the step with ds and gave him time to adjust to the fact that we are leaving.

I HATE when people try to talk louder than him when he's upset about something! PEOPLE come on!!! I know my son and I know what works for him. Talking over him about something that has nothing to do with his feelings DOESN"T WORK! : : : : : : : And talking loudly and lots of stimulation makes it WORSE!!!

If one more person tells him to "be a good boy, do as mommy says" I think I might snap.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Benji'sMom]

I sympathise with all this. My mom interfers constantly when she's around. So we avoid her.