Heartbroken by his behavior, don't know what to do. - Page 2

[Janelovesmax]

Wow, what amazing response! No judgement, nothing but support and honesty. Thank you!

[Janelovesmax]

Originally Posted by swampangel

What a loving and thoughtful mama you are...it's so hard to stay clear about what you feel is right when everyone is telling you the opposite. I go through that with my MIL and other family members and I'm learning to just tune it all out.

I wanted to share our binky story just to give you some reassurance. My oldest is now 4 1/2 and he just gave up the binky about 4 months ago or so. I was content letting him use it indefinitely but he started to get a significant gap between his upper and lower teeth. We decided to help him let it go because at this age we couldn't really do the binky fairy thing (he's a pretty rational kiddo in that way!).

Anyway, he missed it the first week but felt so proud of himself every morning when he woke up and had slept without it. It was really great. And his gap has already closed, which really amazed us.

I really liked that he was engaged in the process with us and we could talk about it and reason out why it wasn't good for his teeth. Now some kids have no problems with their teeth, so don't worry about that at all. And anything that happens to baby teeth will either resolve with discontinued use (like my ds's did) or when the grown-up teeth come in.

My ds, like yours, really had a need to suck for a long time. I did extended bf'ing and that wasn't enough! He needed that binky and he really enjoyed it for the 4 years he used it.

You might, in time, limit his use to just at home or just at nap and bedtime. But now he is still so young...I would just let him have it whenever he wants it.

As far as the tantrums, I agree with a pp that you handled it really well. Another option to keep yourself safe is just to be near him but don't try to pick him up or move him. Just let him go through it knowing you're there. It sounds like if you have a binky in your bag, that might just be what he needs to avoid the whole escalation anyway.

Thank you for sharing your story and your support. Good advice on another approach with tantrum!

[Janelovesmax]

Originally Posted by isisreturning

Hang in there (in terms of the social pressure to wean him from the binky).

My ds self-weaned from BF'ing at 10 months. However, he loved loved loved his bottle because he could take it with him as he wandered around. He used his bottle until he was 3 1/2!! He totally learned how to use a sippy cup, and a regular cup, and for most of the day he ate and drank "like a big boy" (mainstream approved, ya know!). But first thing in the morning, and right after getting home from daycare, he wanted his bottle of milk.

My dh had such a hard time with it, but me personally, I didn't care. I figured he could drink from a bottle until he was a grown-up if that's what he wanted.

He just found it so soothing, and when I think about how many children do extended BF'ing (if given the chance), it makes me realize that children need to suck for a lot longer than mainstream society expects them to. It is ironic though, if you consider the types of sports-drink bottles grown-ups drink out of... if adults can suck their liquids out of bottles, why can't 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 year olds??

Your ds will most likely give up the binky on his own before pre-school or kindergarten. If not, he will certainly face pressure from his peers to stop using it.

In my case, my dh couldn't stand it so much that he negotiated with my son to throw out his bottles in exchange for receiving two awesome toys that he really wanted. My ds complained for about 2-3 days afterwards that he was ready to return the toys and get the bottles out of the trash, but we just explained that the garbage collector had taken them to the landfill and they were gone forever, and he was sad, but accepting. Again, this was at age 3.5, so he was old enough to understand the loss better.

Good luck -

Very interesting, thank you for sharing the story. It's interesting how your DH approached the situation and inspiring how your son handled it as well.

[Janelovesmax]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Tantrums in public are definately hard. You have my empathy there! However, its not helpful to take tantrums personally. As mothers, we cannot go through life feeling heartbroken by our kids behaviors. I'd be dead by now. Being attached to our children is a good thing -- being emotionally dependent on their moods and behaviors is not. And there is a difference. Kids act all sorts of ways, and what makes us decent parents is the way we respond to them, not the fact that they acted that way in the first place.

And yeah, I'd let him have the binky! Not only that, but I'd insist the Nanny let him have it too. I suspect he is more dependent on it when you are home because he's been "saving it up" for you.

In my head I know that I shouldn't take it personally, but I'm a very sensitive and emotional person (probably my son inherited that from me) and I take everything personal. Even sometimes here on MDC I take things personally even though I know things that are said are not personal most of the time.

I will remind myself though to take it easier.

[Janelovesmax]

Originally Posted by kkeake

I think you did a great job. The only thing I would have done differently is to tell him that it is not ok to hit Mama, that we do not hit people under any circumstances, no matter how mad we are.

As for the pacifier, my daughter was an addict until nearly 3, and what worked for us was for her to help in the decision-making process. We told her that she was getting to be a big girl and that we wanted to help her to be a big girl. We had a little "goodbye sucker" ceremony and she herself threw it away. She never asked for it again.

Good luck - it's so hard and scary when your kids rage out of control. But very normal.

Amanda

I agree with you about reminding him that it's not ok to hit mama. And usually do!

I felt that at that moment this wouldn't get thru to him... and the chances are he knows already it's wrong, he has been told so many times...

Thanks for sharing your story and your support.

[Janelovesmax]

Originally Posted by crazydiamond

You're a good mama. Tantrums in public are so very, very difficult! I remember the time some stranger thought I was beating my kid 'cause she was screaming so loud.

My DD is 27 mos and still gets her binky. She loves it. She doesn't have it all the time, but sometimes it's just necessary for her. Try to remember that it has nothing to do with the amount of love you give him or the time you spend with him, or anything like that. Try to think of the binky as a way for him to relieve his stress and regain his center. It's just a way for him to cope with his intense feelings. We adults to the same thing, just with different things (deep breathing, exercise, piece of chocolate, etc).

A year ago I tried to get my DD off her binky unsuccessfully. And then I finally let it go. I don't care about it anymore. I was one of those people who swore up and down no kid of mine would have a binky beyond age 1. Ha! Joke's on me.

My DD uses her binky to sooth herself. When I tell her no or don't allow her to do something, she asks for her binky. When she's overtired but too wound up, she needs her binky. Basically, any time she's upset or tired, her binky helps her relax. To be perfectly honest, I'm actually pretty glad that she has something that brings her comfort when she needs it most.

I liked that you have the wisdom to realize and honor your child's needs. What a smart mama you are. And I shall do the same.

[DklovesMkandJK]

1) You said that he wants the bink more from you. Maybe he associates you with comfort and 'nursing' - you're around and he thinks "oh yeah, it's mama, the snuggly cuddly one! (having the bink is like a little love on the run!) He connects you and the bink, not tries to replace you with it.
and
2) It seems to me we all more easily act badly in our comfort zones than outside them. He can flip out and throw a fit with you and you still love him anyway.
(at least this is what I tell myself when J tantrums )

And like all the others, I say give it to him until it becomes dangerous (to his teeth)

Just my random $.02

[Janelovesmax]

Originally Posted by Justthatgirl

Absolutely!! You need to listen to your boy. He's trying to tell you something!

My ds was a binky baby till he was 3 years old. We weaned him & dd of them at the same time (she was 18 mos).

I'm so sorry you had to deal with the struggle and screaming and abuse trying to get him home!!! We've been there many times. And I understand having a very hard time showing affection even after the child in question calmed down. It doesn't make either of us a bad mom, it means we're human. After such an ordeal I don't know anyone who could just flip a switch to sweet and loving that quickly.

I would let him have the binky. One little boy I used to care for would come w/ his binky all the time but he never used it. I started tucking it in his pocket so it wouldn't get lost. I don't know if he weaned off it at home, but he sure didn't need w/ me. Go ahead and let the nanny & dh keep it away. Sounds like he's doing fine without it WITH THEM. If he needs it w/ you, it's ok. He's only 2.

Thanks for your advice, I really liked the story about the little boy.

[Janelovesmax]

Originally Posted by DklovesMkandJK

1) You said that he wants the bink more from you. Maybe he associates you with comfort and 'nursing' - you're around and he thinks "oh yeah, it's mama, the snuggly cuddly one! (having the bink is like a little love on the run!) He connects you and the bink, not tries to replace you with it.
and
2) It seems to me we all more easily act badly in our comfort zones than outside them. He can flip out and throw a fit with you and you still love him anyway.
(at least this is what I tell myself when J tantrums )

And like all the others, I say give it to him until it becomes dangerous (to his teeth)

Just my random $.02

I guess in the way I should be happy that he feels comfortable with me to spill his emotions out...
At what age does it become dangerous? 4?

[Rainbowbird]

My son is 4 and he still needs his binky for nighttime and during the day sometimes, esp. when stressed!

Our dentist has told us NOT to worry and that we have at least until he is 6 to think about weaning it from him. Yes, that's a fact. I love our dentist, btw!

When my son is tired or stressed, he just has to have the binky. HAS TO. That's just the way it is. I don't fear it anymore. Gradually he is getting a little less attached to it, he will sometimes forget to bring it with us in the car, for example.

As for the tantrum, sorry about that...we've experienced one or two of those and I know they are not fun, but again, as the pp said, it's not personal, either. He obviously had a lot of pent-up frustration and felt safe enough with you to express it. s

[LotusBirthMama]

Originally Posted by Janelovesmax

thank you for advice...

I like the Binkie Fairy idea.

the binky fairy worked VERY well for us..but we didn't even try until Sophie was over three.

[heartmama]

Ds was extremely attached as a baby--and he was crazy over binkies. It doesn't mean you did something wrong. When he was 3 and 4 he collected an assortment and had so many he kept a bin on his toy shelf. When he lost them all once I tried to suggest he go to bed without one for the first time--he gave me a blank stare and said "But we can buy more...at the store!" and as I left to go pick some up he called after me "Remember to buy the TWO pack!". He was a total binkie fanatic!

Very gradually he outgrew them--but nowhere near 25 months old. Around that age I did begin going deaf when he spoke to me with a binkie in his mouth--so he learned to take it out if he wanted to talk. Then around 3 I started finding ways to get him used to limiting binkies to the house only. I usually had a snack ready and then "traded" it for the binkie at the door before we left--not in an obvious way, but a casual "Oh, I have a snack, remember leave the binkie here so you can eat in the car honey".

Around 4 he got used to binkies being just for bedtime. Again, gradual, but he made progress.

He fell and hit a tooth around 4.7 years old, and the binkie hurt his tooth really badly if he used one. So he weaned completely in a single day just because he couldn't find any way to use one without causing pain. It was so sad--he sucked his lip in his sleep for days causing a blister. Then he just forgot about them and never asked for another one again.

It will happen in it's own time. You can help him along with suggestions and looking for opportunities, but don't let it become something you take personally, or a power struggle between you. Ultimately he needs to give this up voluntarily. Having it taken will only make it seem more important.