About to embark on a very rough trip

[Threefold]

My father died os AIDS when I was barely 15. I have always stayed close with his partner, who still lives in the house they shared. We have always considered him to be one of our 14 mo old son's grandpas. Just before the holidays I found out he has stage 4 lung cancer. He has not yet met ds. Ds and I are flying to Chicago (from California) tomorrow to meet him and say our good-byes. I am so overwhelmed with the fear of my old wounds and of losing my last physical connection to my father, plus having to say good-bye to someone I love. How can I cope with this grief and still be present for ds?

[SoHappy]

I really really wish I knew the answer to your question. So sorry to hear about the changes and challenges in your life. You seem to be very in touch with your own feelings, and I think your ds will intuitively understand many things because of your healthy attitude. I'll send as many good vibes as I can in your direction. I do think it will all work out fine for you. It just seems to, doesn't it?

[darlindeliasmom]

Hug that baby tight! Really,that's my advice. Don't turn away from him; let him be with you in your grief. My bro died last year, and my DD was so-o-o compassionate with me.
Also, if grandpa is still able to communicate, take your cues from him. If this visit is also joyful to him (your child is a part of his beloved partner, an image that he can take to your dad in the afterlife), live in that joy.
Please know that many of us will be with you on this journey. Peace. Mary

[Ms. Mom]

This is such a difficult time for you. Your in my thoughts. I think that taking your son to meet him will be a very spiritual experinece for you.

I remember when my grandmother was dying of cancer. My son became very close to her and he feels proud that he was able to spend her last evening with her in the hospital. dd was much younger, but she still remembers giving 'grandma lilly' a kiss goodby.

This trip will surely drudge up some old feelings. Don't be afraid of thoes feelings. You have a right to feel them and move through them. When we allow ourselves to exlore and greive we can truly begin to heal.

You'll be with me in thought during this journey. Please keep us posted.

[Threefold]

Thank you for all of your kind and compasionate responses. I checked in quickly before we leave to see if there were any thoughts I could bring with me on this trip. There are many. Thanks again and I will be in touch when we return.

[lisamarie]

Have a wonderful trip~My thoughts are with you and please keep us posted.

Hugs~

Lisa

[Threefold]

The trip ended up being absolutely awful, but not for the reasons I expected. On Sunday, my son has, what was, apparently, a febrile seizure (this is so difficult for me to write about--all I want to do is forget it ever happened). It happened at my father's partner's home, about 1/2 hour after we'd arrived to visit on the second day. It was terrifying. I have never been so afriad in my life. I was numb when it was happening, unable to comprehend that this was really happening. I just kept holding him, repeating my mantra, "It's ok, mama's here", thinking, this is weird, when will this be over?, in a detatched sort of way. We spent the day in a strange city in the ER (after arriving by ambulance) having tests--spinal tap, x-rays, CT scan, blood work. All negative. I remeber my sister's febrile seizures (suddenly it dawns on my that we have a family history--a horrible thing to contemplate, I never even thought things like this could happen to my child), my mother yelling, "Leah, she's dead, Oh God, Leah, She's dead" (thankfully, she wasn't), but I don't recall feeling then the panicky dread in the pit of my stomach that I feel even now while typing these words. After a long nap in the ER, ds's fever is down from 103 to 99 and they want to move us up to the pedi ward "for observation". It sounds good to me, until we get to the pedi ward and an unsmiling nurse straps an alarm on my son without even introducing herself and inform me that he must sleep in this strange cage they call a crib (metal bars up and over and all around--it truly looks like somehitng that belong in a kennel). By this point ds is feeling fine and wanting to run around and explore while tethered to an IV pole. My wonderful friend got the resident and helped my check out AMA. So, everything seems fine, though I am a wreck. Ds is happily running around abuelito's house by 7pm. My father-in-law (who lives 45 minutes outside of Chicago and with whom we were staying) drove us my my parents home (another 3 hours south) so ds could be checked out by the family practice doc who has been very good to my family. He finds nothing, and says, "virus, let it runs its course" and generally gives me some pretty reassuring and practical tips about fever and the possibility of more febrile seizures in the future. Ds still is happily seeming himself, despite a low-grade fever. Then, on Tuesday night we get some random information form my father-in-law--the Dr to whom my son was assigned (and whom we never even saw), calls him to say that ds was postive for meningitis. I panicked, despite the fact that ds wasn't even sick at this point. After 12 hours of hell and more fear, we finally get the lab results read by a specialist who discovers that they have been falsly interpreted and that, just as we can see, ds is fine. Then, 12 hours after that, ds gets stomach flu (lucky it wasn't more after all that time in the ER and in the MD's waiting room!) He is still recovering from that. We finally arrived home on Friday. What was supposed to be a 3 day trip, turned into nearly a week. Then this morning, while playing with dh, ds tumbled off on the bottom step and hit his head. He cried much harder than ever before and held his breath so long, he passed out momentarily. It was like a flashback for me. I was shaking uncontrollably. But, all was ok, though we did err on the side of caution and went to the ER to get him check out.
So, what began as a need to go through some grief had turned into the need to get through some terror and I will definately be calling a therapist on Monday. On a postive note, the radiation has shrunken my friend's tumor and he was very strong. I have hopes to see him again, though I am unable, at this point, to even think about returning to the house where my father died and where ds had what I hope will be his one and only seizure. I am stupidly associating my friend with the whole event and have trouble even calling him now. Wow, sorry this was so long. I don't think this thread belongs here anymore, but I hope its ok.

[Cedarah]

Oh Sweetie . . . I'm SO sorry you had to go through all of that and I'm so glad to hear your son is doing better. You must be absolutely EXHAUSTED! Sending you strength and healing. Hopefully in a little while you will feel able to remove the association of the febrile seizure from your dear friend. Take extra gentle care of yourself.

Blessings,

Cedarah

[JessicaS]

Oh my goodness....what a week you had...that must have been terrifying!!! :

I would urge you not to stop calling your friend....I live far from my family and my grandmother passed away a week after my dd's birth...

I hadn't gottne a chance to say goodbye and it is very painful to me:

[sanna]

the-dalai-mama,
Sounds like a super-challenging week. One of the thoughts that entered my mind, was how is your son dealing with all this reaction to his body/illness? And did he cry so hard on the steps after hitting his head and hold his breath as a sort of release from the trauma of the events?

Maybe some bodywork might help him to not internalize in a body-memory way the events. Just an idea. I have had my children since very young have bodywork sessions; ie; network chiropractic, which releases stored tension in the spine. It has been great.

May you have smooth sailing from now on!

[lisamarie]

What a week~thank you for sharing it with us though. I am so sorry for you and your little one. How scarey. Sending you healing energy for you and your ds and please keep us posted!

Hugs~

Lisa

[Threefold]

ds seems to be fully recovered and up to all his smart tricks again. I have taken him to a naturopath and we are working on getting his body to understand that it is not ok to have a seizure with a fever. Now I am the one who needs some bodywork to get over my trauma. I got a package from my friend today, it contained a beautiful Hmong tapestry he had given my father, which I had never seen before. Ironically, we sent my friend a package on Monday, so he probably got his today too. I am feeling less apprehensive about talking to him now, though I still don't want to go back to his home. Thank you for all of your support and wonderful suggestions.