Ex won't return my children - Page 4

[cycle]

Originally Posted by naturalmomto8

I do agree with you. I HATE that this is just hurting my kids. All I have wanted is for him and me to get along and for him to have a relationship with the kids. But, he has some major issues. He has told me he wants nothing to do with my teenagers. They are 19,18,15,and 13...all boys. He tried to get them to live with him, my 15 yr old did for a while. I told them they could make their own choice. WEll, they are smart boys and they realized on their own what he was like. Now he says I turned them against him. He doesnt even want to admit that his actions has caused it. Trust me, I was all for them going with him every other weekend.. He!! yeah, a break from teenage drama for a weekend

He will not follow any court orders, he harrasses me non stop. I have had child welfare here so much because of him. They now know that everything he says is just lies. The only reason he took them was to hurt me. His girlfriend has 4 girls by 3 dads and doesnt have custody of any of them. I can see losing custody to one father, but three proves it has to be her, you know?? Its a bad situation...and he sees nothing wrong with any of his behavior.

So, yeah I am torn, I dont want to go thru this again, so I cant risk him taking them again. They have talked to him everyday, I
never say they cant. I just hope that someday we can actually work together with the kids. ANd as pi$$ed as I still am, I feel a little bad for his legal stuff he'll be going thru if and when they arrest him..but he did it to himself.

Anyway, I also want to say thank you to everyone for being supportive. I does help.

You are quite a momma! Your kids are so lucky to have you.

[LittleLinda]

mom of 8 My heat is with you.
I think he was a total A$$ for what he did. I hope he opens his eyes soon and everything get worked out to where all end up happy and content.
:

[Pagan_princess]

Glad to see that you have your kids back with you where they belong. I do hope for everyone's sake that maybe sometime he will come around and you two can work together and raise your children together, but separately.

Does that even make sense?

[BabyBearsMummy]

Can anyone tell me what kind of wording we need to have in our agreement/court order to prevent this from happening to us. I live in Alberta, Canada incase that matters at all.

[guestmama9907]

Can anyone tell me what kind of wording we need to have in our agreement/court order to prevent this from happening to us. I live in Alberta, Canada incase that matters at all.

My court order/ custody agreement says that i have "sole legal and physical custudy" of the child and also says something like "control over all decisions" and even has a 5 paragraph summary about visitation - that the father has to abide by 1.2.3.4.5.blah blha blah or he can not see the child and that it is my decision if she is allowed to visit him or not... in NC where we went to court they make you go to mediation first and if you can come to agreement there the mediator writes up the doc... my lawyer thankfully clued me in that the mediators doc isnt really good enough because it is not specific or "harsh" enough wording wise. and so she wrote up our document and we presented that to the judge instead of the mediators. i would def recommend pushing to have everything laid out as clearly as possible by your lawyer and documented in your agreement.

[cycle]

Originally Posted by MamaLotus

My court order/ custody agreement says that i have "sole legal and physical custudy" of the child and also says something like "control over all decisions" and even has a 5 paragraph summary about visitation - that the father has to abide by 1.2.3.4.5.blah blha blah or he can not see the child and that it is my decision if she is allowed to visit him or not... in NC where we went to court they make you go to mediation first and if you can come to agreement there the mediator writes up the doc... my lawyer thankfully clued me in that the mediators doc isnt really good enough because it is not specific or "harsh" enough wording wise. and so she wrote up our document and we presented that to the judge instead of the mediators. i would def recommend pushing to have everything laid out as clearly as possible by your lawyer and documented in your agreement.

MamaLotus - I also have Sole Legal and Physical and there are pretty specific rules about visitation. No set times but to be decided on, ex must notify me when he wants to visit 30 days in advance (he lives across the country) of course he has yet to exercise visitation BTW. My attorney wrote up the documents too - since it says sole legal and physical does that mean that if he took my son I would have legal basis to get him back without going to the court? I always thought so until this thread.

[naturalmomto8]

Originally Posted by cycle

MamaLotus - I also have Sole Legal and Physical and there are pretty specific rules about visitation. No set times but to be decided on, ex must notify me when he wants to visit 30 days in advance (he lives across the country) of course he has yet to exercise visitation BTW. My attorney wrote up the documents too - since it says sole legal and physical does that mean that if he took my son I would have legal basis to get him back without going to the court? I always thought so until this thread.

They said that it has to say that the police can intervene. That is has to actually say that the police can physically get the kids back. I wish I had known that.

[wytchywoman]

Originally Posted by MamaNosBest

No one has mentioned or questioned whether the kids want/need to see their dad. Interesting.

Sometimes what kids want is not in their best interest. Continuing to expose them to someone who violates the law by kidnapping them most definitely is not in their best interest. At best perhaps there can be some supervised visits on down the road but it sounds to me like he really needs to complete some counseling and parenting classes before that happens. This is not a morally responsible person we are dealing with here.

[cycle]

Thanks - thats good to know. Looks like I need to talk to my attorney.

[wytchywoman]

Originally Posted by naturalmomto8

They said that it has to say that the police can intervene. That is has to actually say that the police can physically get the kids back. I wish I had known that.

Can you get your order amended or get some sort of addendum that will say this to prevent this from happening in the future?

[naturalmomto8]

Originally Posted by wytchywoman

Can you get your order amended or get some sort of addendum that will say this to prevent this from happening in the future?

I think so, I need to find out for sure. Right now Im not letting him near them. They call him, but that is it right now.

[BabyBearsMummy]

I just realized well talking to my ex I have a deep seated fear wether
rational or irational that my ex is going to take my DD and run. His
girlfriend has directed him that I am to know nothing about him or her.
I am not to know where he lives or where she does. I am not to have any
contact information at all except his cell phone number which is under
his mothers name and address in another province. I am to know nothing about what he does with DD where he takes her what he does etc. He has
already cancelled his bank account. I feel like I am being treated like
a criminal. I have a gut instinct to protect myself and my DD. I
know at least some of the fear is irrational. How do I let go of some
of the fear and how do I protect myself and my daughter from this one
of the worst possible events to happen to a mother and child.

[wednesday2004]

BabyBearsMummy, I think that if your ex is going through all that trouble then your fears are not irrational. I don't have any advice right now, I'm too tired but I just wanted to tell you that.

[wytchywoman]

Originally Posted by wednesday2004

BabyBearsMummy, I think that if your ex is going through all that trouble then your fears are not irrational. I don't have any advice right now, I'm too tired but I just wanted to tell you that.

:

I agree completely. Your fears are not irrational at all. Whether they intend to kidnap your child or not isn't the point anymore. They have made it very possible to do so and have made it impossible for you to find your daughter if they do act on this. FWIW, my children would be going nowhere with their dads if I did not know where they lived and all I had was a cell phone number that technically didn't even belong to him. What would happen if you withheld visitation until he agreed to give you a residential address? Are the courts involved at all? if so perhaps the judge could order that he provide all the info to you. I'd also write down license plate numbers of any vehicles they drive. Does your DD's dad leave your home with her? If that is the case I would definitely put the kabash on that until he started being more forthcoming with information. He can visit your DD all he wants, inside your home, with you present at all times, until he and his girlfriend stops playing the power and control games.

[BabyBearsMummy]

I am extremely fearful that denying him the ability to take my daughter from my home will affect my ability to maintain custody once the matter reaches court. He has already retained a lawyer and I have received a threatening letter from that lawyer. Until recently our daughters visits with him took place in my home or were short 30 minutes to an hour at the nearby park. This was done because she is a breastfeed on demand baby who frequently nurses but now I am wondering if my fear of him taking her from he also played a role. I cant afford legal help right now. In fact my daughter and I are moving out of our apartment and into a rented room in another mothers home next month just so I can have some hope of making ends meet. We have been discussing mediation but he is under the impression that the mediators will take sides and more specifically his side. So I fear the whole mess will end up in court in the end and I will not be able to get adequeate representation and as a result my daughter will suffer. Also he had said he was going to drop the lawyer because he couldnt afford him but then told me two days later he had decided not to because the lawyer explained that his retainer fee was used to pay private detectives and the like. Why would they need private detectives I'm an open book and not the one trying to hide anything. I even have let DD dad know that he is welcome to call or visit DD anytime. I got the impression that this lawyer is really good at working the system to screw the mother.

[wytchywoman]

That sucks so bad. I am sorry you are going through all of this. FWIW, I don't think the courst well see anything wrong with you insisting on knowing where your DD will be when she is with him. It is totally unreasonable for him to expect that he can keep all this info secret from you, especially if he plans on requesting any overnight visits or visitation outside of the house.Has paperwork been filed yet? If it has maybe you can get it from the court records? Have you looked into legal aid to get help for yourself? I know you are in canada which is different than the US, but maybe there are some attorneys there who will do some pro bono work too.

[pranamama]

sorry that sounds stressful. Can you find out how to file for temporary maintenance until your divorce is final. If you have any relatives or good friends that could get you money for an attorney I would recommend begging for help.

[chaoticzenmom]

I have a friend who was fearful that her dh would take her children because his mother had kidnapped her last grandchildren during her other son's divorce and she knew that it would likely happen during her divorce as well. She asked the court for a guardian ad lidem (sp?). What that did was to make it a criminal offense to not bring the baby back when the visit was over. She would drop the children off with the guardian and the exdh was to pick them up and drop them back off with the guardian. This was enough protection for her. He never agreed to go through someone to get to his children and never has seen them since (over 2 years ago). She was low income as well. Maybe there's something like that for you in Canada?

I think you are smart to be worried about that.
Lisa