Dp says I'm not compassionate

[DevaMajka]

He wasn't being mean, he was agreeing with me. But I didn't realize that I was bad enough for him to see it.

He's one of those people who've never read a parenting book, and is perfectly gd. He's never yelled at ds, never shamed, threatened, never punished (not even related consequences). He explains just about everything. He hardly ever gets frustrated with ds. Ds is "easier" when he's with dp. He's really close to CL.
He doesn't even judge me when I do things that I *know* he disagrees with (that I disagree with too). If the roles were reversed, I'm sure I'd say something, and it wouldn't be helpful!!

He's never understood why I read parenting books. As far as he's concerned, instincts are enough. He doesn't like labels, even being labeled GD. He told me the other day that he finally understands why I think that its a really good thing that I read those books, and I have those ideals. He's always said that he thought I'd be gd even if I hadn't read those books. I think he's realizing now that there's a good chance I wouldn't be! I shame, yell, sometimes I threaten with a related consequence, I tell him to "stop whining" on a regular basis. I know I shouldn't do those things. They are not part of my discipline ideals! Can you imagine how bad I'd be if I bought into the mainstream ideas that those things aren't bad?

At any rate, when ds is whining or throwing a fit, I really don't feel compassionate. It's like something switches off. It's so easy for me to say "nope" when he's whining for something. The crying afterwards hardly affects me (except that I want it to stop). Geesh! I suck. lol

But I'm a total pushover (in a good way ) when he asks in a calm voice. He asks for ice cream for breakfast, I say no, he replies with some semi-logical statement about how it should be ok, I say sure. lol. But if he starts whining or crying, there is nothing in me that makes me feel like I should do something to make him feel better.

I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a mom, really. I get so frustrated by him doing normal kid things. Yesterday he was kinda loud and demanding of my attention, and I just felt myself getting drained and just wanting dp to be done working so he could take over. He was just excited about some new toys we'd bought for his birthday.
(I'm actually beginning to wonder if I might have sensory issues or something. Noises really bother me- I listen to the tv with the captions on because if I turn it up loud enough to hear everything it's too loud. Going out in public bothers me. I used to think it was that I felt really vulnerable being in the middle of a large group of people -it feels like a phobia. But I think it might be all the noises and stuff)

I have no idea why I'm posting this! Maybe to see if there's anyone else like I am? Maybe to hear that I'm not all that bad? um...hmmm... Maybe just to get it out?

[chfriend]

I'm so glad you posted!! I was thinking of posting a spin off of the "Why are we angry" thread....Asking, "What gets in the way of an empathic/sympathetic/compassionate response" to our children.

Especially when I'm tired, I struggle with wishing I didn't need to listen...when I know it's the only thing that will help the situation!

How do you wise moms pull the compassion out? What gets in your way when you shut off?

[captain crunchy]

Well, you're not bad, there ya go.

You know I think you are probably your worst critic (aren't we all!). I am not dismissing your concerns, but just saying it probably looks so much worse in your own perception than it probably is --

How is your self care? I find that I can feel much like you do when I don't have my alone time/down time/craft time... or you know, luxuries like a regular shower

I have started claiming my need for *regular* alone time -- it used to be that my husband would sort of have this "but you're home all day to do what you want" type attitude -- not that he is not a wonderful man, he is truly great ... it is too, that I didn't express the need as much as I should have -- I suppose I was sort of waiting around for him to push me out the door demanding I get some alone time ... I think for many people, mamas in particular, we think once a week *should* be enough, or whatever -- but truth be told, everyone gets at least a half an hour and a few 15 minute breaks a day at a conventional job -- I don't know if any of that applies to your situation, but if you aren't getting at LEAST an hour a day completely to yourself (doing housework doesn't count in my book!!!) then that might help a lot!!

For the other things, you may have some sensory issues going on there like you mentioned. Perhaps a morning meditation/prayer/quiet time might help diffuse some of those overwhelming feelings (if you are able to get some time!)... ... or earplugs lol ... seriously though, do you have a water feature in your home or white noise? A small zen fountain or even white noise like a fan or waves or something may diffuse some of that sensory stuff...

I have difficulty feeling a lot of empathy when dd is whining truthfully -- it isn't that I am not kind, but I can say I am phoning it in a lot (when she is whining or being generally cranky). That is not a *bad* thing, it is what it is and you shouldn't feel like crap about it... We have been trying "I would really appreciate you using a more respectful tone" or "I am more able to help understand what you need when you speak clearly" (which is totally true, not manipulative) -- I don't withhold things until she asks respectfully or anything (I am not cool with that!) but I do think she picks up a lot on my energy and frustration level or mood and it is clicking with her that when she uses a normal tone of voice I am more receptive -- Again, I don't want to paint it as if I am all "I won't be nice until you stop whining" ... it is NOT like that -- It is more the vibe, the level of patience, the level of harmony she sees in the overall energy of the home when everyone is being reasonable ...

Anyway, sorry to ramble... you are not a *bad* person --- dh is definitely a different personality than me in that he was born with a mountain of patience and leaning toward CL, whereas I have had (and still have) to work on it lol


Be kind to yourself.

[spirit4ever]

Oh thank goodness, I thought I was the only one. I'm really glad that I've read some gd books (unconditional parenting, hold on to your kids, positive discipline, how to talk...) it has made a world of difference, BUT.. I'm still nowhere near where I'd like to be. I scream a lot at my 5 yr old...(I am getting better..). my 2 1/2 year old can send me totally : I must say something atleast 5 times a day that I regret, I find once my patience runs out I'm finished. Thanks for your post though

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Deva33mommy

At any rate, when ds is whining or throwing a fit, I really don't feel compassionate. It's like something switches off. It's so easy for me to say "nope" when he's whining for something. The crying afterwards hardly affects me (except that I want it to stop). Geesh! I suck. lol

But I'm a total pushover (in a good way ) when he asks in a calm voice. He asks for ice cream for breakfast, I say no, he replies with some semi-logical statement about how it should be ok, I say sure. lol. But if he starts whining or crying, there is nothing in me that makes me feel like I should do something to make him feel better.

I have a hard time believing you're not compassionate. I don't equate having a low tolerance for whining with being uncompassionate...but then, maybe it's because I have a low tolerance for whining. I think my low tolerance stems from my "don't sweat the small stuff" outlook, and it bugs me to see people make a big deal out of things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of life - even very young people : . I do realize, however, that to a 3-yo, the wrong color shirt some days CAN really matter that much to them; BUT...I feel part of my job is to start teaching him that perspective. And part of that is validating his feelings, but not getting too involved in the whine/fit and finding ways to help him get over it and move on. Not in a "suck it up and deal, kid" kind of way, but a "you've got the emotional wherewithall to get over this minor disappointment" kind of way.

Seriously, I don't see anything un-gentle about consistently reminding your over 2-yo use a strong, regular voice to ask for things, and/or to ignore an older toddler/preschooler's tantrum (not ignore the child, but the tantrum itself). It's *draining* to listen to someone whine/tantrum a lot. It's a lot of negative energy being strewn about.

I see this as more about setting boundaries for your own emotional well being and modeling future healthy outlooks, than being uncompassionate. But that could be me rationalizing; maybe I'm a horrible person, too! :

[GuildJenn]

I agree with a lot of points above, like that preferring one tone of voice over another is not a lack of compassion.

Couple of other thoughts though -

- you'll have to model being compassionate with yourself, and that means letting yourself have bad moments and bad days

- your son is going to enjoy, hopefully, a life full of relationships with all different kinds of people, especially with you and your husband. I think it is wonderful that you are NOT clones of each other and that your son can learn to respect your "issues" (perfectly human ones) around sound and tone of voice and things, as well as experience his dad's more laid back approach

- As long as you're not yelling, belittling, or demeaning your son, and you are seeking to meet his needs, I think you're doing fine. My understanding of GD is not "gets whatever wants whenever upset" but rather "gets genuine needs met."

Hang in there

[mamaduck]

I think there are probably a couple things at play - but to start with, I want to say that I think its okay if you don't "feel" compassion in these situations. Different people feel different things to different extents in different situations -- and that is really okay. There are strengths and weaknesses associated with being quick to compassion, and for being able to remain unmoved... and as long as you are aware of your own tendencies and you take responsibility for your actions, then I think its okay to just let your feelings be what they are (or aren't.) My DH is not a particularly compassionate person, but you know what? He is the perfect person to have by your side in an emergency situation because he can remain calm and cool and do what needs to be done without breaking down. And there have been times when our kids have been hurt or sick, that I have had to step out of the room to fall apart, and he has been able to stay rock solid and stand by them. (I am not saying that is true about you -- I'm just saying, there are reasons that people differ when it comes to emotionality, and it all works out, kwim?)

Now, do I think you should probably make an effort to behave compassionately even when you don't feel it -- probably. Not that you need to be play-acting or hypocrytical. But you may need to think carefully before responding when your kid is freaking out, or whatever. Which is totally sounds like you do!

As far as this:

I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a mom, really. I get so frustrated by him doing normal kid things.

I think knowing yourself, and your own sensory issues/limitations is a good thing. Have you read "The Highly Sensitive Person?" SUCH a helpful book -- really. Here is a link: http://www.hsperson.com/ I actually wonder what you think -- because I am a highly sensitive person, when it comes to all the sensory things like noise, etc... but I'm also sensitive emotionally, which it sounds like you are saying you are not so much??

What about when adults cry? Are you moved to compassion in those situations?

Which brings me to the last thing I wanted to suggest -- which is the whole inner child concept. I think a lot of times we react with disgust or shut-down in reaction to "childish behavior" because of our own childhood training. Many of us are taught to despise what is childish in ourselves, and we've been expected to stamp that out as we've grown. Some of us at very young ages -- we've been taught that that part of ourselves is unacceptable. So then when our own children behave in those ways, we are immediately aware of what we've been taught to despise in ourselves, and we are "triggered." We feel an uncontrolable urge just to "make it stop." We have very little tolerance to what we have learned to hate in ourselves.

So, I don't know your childhood history or anything -- but fwiw -- this is something to think about. It helps me to spend time thinking about incidents in my childhood where my behavior was judged harshly, and revisiting my own feelings about it -- giving myself permission (retroactively) to have been childish.

[Fuamami]

Oh dude!

I haven't read the other responses, but you're doing a great job! Or you're a really great online liar. You're in tune with your ds, you research and brainstorm when you have problems, and it sounds like you're usually very mindful in the moment.

And I'm sure your dh is super, but you're you. That's the advantage of the two-parent system (far superior to the two-party system). Your ds is going to learn different negotiation skills from you, thus allowing him to have more experience dealing with people in his life. You can't put a value on your parenting, your individuality, and your unique relationship with your son. And you can't compare it to dh's. Or put a value on any of those things for him. You're doing great, and your ds is so lucky you're his mommy!

But maybe you do need a break. Who doesn't?

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Which brings me to the last thing I wanted to suggest -- which is the whole inner child concept. I think a lot of times we react with disgust or shut-down in reaction to "childish behavior" because of our own childhood training. Many of us are taught to despise what is childish in ourselves, and we've been expected to stamp that out as we've grown. Some of us at very young ages -- we've been taught that that part of ourselves is unacceptable. So then when our own children behave in those ways, we are immediately aware of what we've been taught to despise in ourselves, and we are "triggered." We feel an uncontrolable urge just to "make it stop." We have very little tolerance to what we have learned to hate in ourselves.

So, I don't know your childhood history or anything -- but fwiw -- this is something to think about. It helps me to spend time thinking about incidents in my childhood where my behavior was judged harshly, and revisiting my own feelings about it -- giving myself permission (retroactively) to have been childish.

OK, read the rest of the responses. This is a great point. I've been noticing this tendency in myself as my dd gets older. Have you read "Parenting From the Inside Out"? I'm reading it now, it really gets into how our reactions are actually physically hard-wired in our brains. I've been touting it a lot on here lately, I would highly recommend it!

[DevaMajka]

Ok, every response here is wonderful! I really appreciate it.

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

For the other things, you may have some sensory issues going on there like you mentioned. Perhaps a morning meditation/prayer/quiet time might help diffuse some of those overwhelming feelings (if you are able to get some time!)... ... or earplugs lol ... seriously though, do you have a water feature in your home or white noise? A small zen fountain or even white noise like a fan or waves or something may diffuse some of that sensory stuff...

I have difficulty feeling a lot of empathy when dd is whining truthfully -- it isn't that I am not kind, but I can say I am phoning it in a lot (when she is whining or being generally cranky). That is not a *bad* thing, it is what it is and you shouldn't feel like crap about it... We have been trying "I would really appreciate you using a more respectful tone" or "I am more able to help understand what you need when you speak clearly" (which is totally true, not manipulative) -- I don't withhold things until she asks respectfully or anything (I am not cool with that!) but I do think she picks up a lot on my energy and frustration level or mood and it is clicking with her that when she uses a normal tone of voice I am more receptive -- Again, I don't want to paint it as if I am all "I won't be nice until you stop whining" ... it is NOT like that -- It is more the vibe, the level of patience, the level of harmony she sees in the overall energy of the home when everyone is being reasonable ...

These are really helpful ideas. I just started wondering if there was a connection between my reaction to his whining, and my issues with noises. So I definitely need to make it clear to him WHAT is bothering me. And it gives me some understanding of why I'm feeling how I'm feeling, and I can concentrate on fixing that specifically (ie, if I know it's a noise issue, I can deal with that in my head, or leave the room, or whatever. Instead of getting more and more frustrated and telling ds to "just stop the whining!")

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

I have a hard time believing you're not compassionate. I don't equate having a low tolerance for whining with being uncompassionate...but then, maybe it's because I have a low tolerance for whining.

Hehehe. that's funny. We are soooo two of a kind. lol
No, it's not just the low tolerance for whining. It's that I can feel my compassion shutting down in response to whining/tantrums. I can feel myself starting to not care. Does that make sense?

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

- As long as you're not yelling, belittling, or demeaning your son, and you are seeking to meet his needs, I think you're doing fine. My understanding of GD is not "gets whatever wants whenever upset" but rather "gets genuine needs met."

um...sometimes I do yell, and I do shame him sometimes. Not often. Most of the time the things that I do that I hate are along the lines of "stop whining" and "Fine, if you're refusing to brush your teeth, then you're not getting any more candy ever." (that specifically hasn't happened).
And I think the problem is that I'm doing it in a punitive way. I FEEL punitive. The whole mainstream discipline mindset- you have to PAY for what you did. And I totally wholeheartedly don't agree with it. But I feel that seeping in sometimes. And the power struggle thing- I feel that happening too. *I* have to win. Again, this is stuff I don't believe in at all. It's the opposite of my parenting views. But I feel it creeping in sometimes when I'm stressed.

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Now, do I think you should probably make an effort to behave compassionately even when you don't feel it -- probably. Not that you need to be play-acting or hypocrytical. But you may need to think carefully before responding when your kid is freaking out, or whatever. Which is totally sounds like you do!

Well, this is definitely something I need to work on. I'm quick to tell him "just stop" when he's upset. But I think this realization that it might have something to do with noise issues, might really help me put it into perspective. It's already helped today. I can recognize where my frustration is coming from, and go from there.

I think knowing yourself, and your own sensory issues/limitations is a good thing. Have you read "The Highly Sensitive Person?" SUCH a helpful book -- really. Here is a link: http://www.hsperson.com/ I actually wonder what you think -- because I am a highly sensitive person, when it comes to all the sensory things like noise, etc... but I'm also sensitive emotionally, which it sounds like you are saying you are not so much??

What about when adults cry? Are you moved to compassion in those situations?

I'll check out the book.
Am I sensitive emotionally...hmmm...well, I like to help people when they are down. I'm a good person to talk to- I try to listen well. It breaks my heart to see people upset. Including ds, if I'm not involved. For example, if someone says something to ds that makes him cry, I want to do nothing more than go make it better. It's just when I'm in the middle of it, that the feeling isn't there.
But I'm not sensitive emotionally, in the sense that my mood isn't affected by the moods of those around me. Dp is- a lot! If I'm upset, he's bound to be in a crappy mood by the end of the day.
On the other hand, he can be in a bad mood for days and I feel just fine. There are even times that I don't notice for days that he's in a bad place. I can talk to a friend who's crying and upset, and while I feel bad for her and wish she were happy, I'll get off the phone and be able to go about my day. kwim?

I'm sure part of it comes from the mainstream attitudes that I grew up with. My mom was quite gentle, but my dad wasn't. (he's an idiot, btw). And I know that. But maybe I do need to explore that more... I got a lot of "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."

Originally Posted by natensarah

Oh dude!

I haven't read the other responses, but you're doing a great job! Or you're a really great online liar. You're in tune with your ds, you research and brainstorm when you have problems, and it sounds like you're usually very mindful in the moment.

I try to be really honest online, and let it be known the less than perfect parenting I do. I'm obsessively honest. lol.
I don't feel like I'm mindful in the moment, when it's things that really get to me. Hitting- I can deal with well. Throwing, many of the "hard to deal with" childhood things. Those don't really get to me. Even when *I'm* the one being hit or having things thrown at me, I deal with it ok. I might yell "HEY! Do NOT do that!" then I calm down quickly and explain or redirect.
But the whining/crying... And I'm finding that the constant questions and talking add up pretty quickly too.
It's just the same old stuff. Dp agreeing that I'm not that compassionate when I'm frustrated, just made it more real. Because he never says anything negative about my parenting. Sometimes he'll mention that I can go out without Keagan if I want, but that's the closest he comes.

But I should say, that when I step back and look at it I think I am really gd. I don't punish (except for the occasional threats/consequences. But I don't think ds takes those seriously anyways. lol). I'm sure that most people would think I am WAY too gentle. lol. It's just really this one issue- whining/fits that I really really respond to the wrong way. Does that make sense?

[loraxc]

This is a great thread.

Anyway, Deva33, you consistently model kindness, thoughtfulness and respect in this forum. That speaks very highly of you, IMO. You are among the last MDCers I would list as "not compassionate."

[sea_joy]

I feel a little switch go off sometimes, too. I'm currently reading "raising our children, raising ourselves." It talks a lot about the "script" we have in our heads. We have a lot of phrases we learned when we were kids that we've never really evaluated. "stop whining" sounds to me like, "please be happy so I can be happy". It's not irrational to want that. Nor is it selfish.

Have you ever considered going to talk to a councilor? I know that it helps me when I need someone to gently steer me to the answers I seek.

I also wonder, are you getting enough time to yourself? Maybe if you give yourself some genuine time to be still ( or active, whatever makes you happy) doing something for yourself and no one else, it would help you in acting compassionate?

It sounds to me like you are compassionate, you just have some blocks in how to express it, or maybe since you aren't compassionate to yourself, it's had to express it to others? Especially little others who try your patience.

Best of luck Mama,
Crystal

[WuWei]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

How is your self care?

I find this is key for me!

Pat

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Deva33mommy

No, it's not just the low tolerance for whining. It's that I can feel my compassion shutting down in response to whining/tantrums. I can feel myself starting to not care. Does that make sense?

Yep, it sure does, to me at least. I did some more thinking about why *I* feel this way last night, and I came up with some thoughts. And for anyone who might care...

My family of origin values resilience, viewing self pity and pessimism to be a waste of the all to brief time we have on the planet (Allow me to insert a disclaimer that the above is for people who do not have mental health issues like depression/anxiety/etc. There is definite compassion for people struggling with actual mental health issues), and not understanding wasting a lot of energy on feeling badly when you can almost always do something to change your situation for the better. We are definitely cup full people who deal with life's blows, small and big, with a sense of humor and the will to just get through whatever it is. This is, of course, a sweeping generalization - When my cousin died at 3 years old (to a Down Syndrome heart defect back in the 1970s), my aunt was understandably devastated and withdrew for some time. When my mom had a radical mastectomy and chemo for premenopausal (age 39) stage III breast cancer when I was 14 yrs old, I'm sure she cried herself to sleep many nights thinking she might not be around to see me in my adulthood - but the next morning she got up, brushed herself off, and went to treatment. And she's now an almost 20-year survivor. . When I left my husband in 2002 for various reasons, I cried myself to sleep a LOT...it was the hardest thing I'd ever done...but it was what both of us needed and every morning I'd get up and remember the reasons why it was what healthiest for both of us at the time, and have faith that while things might not work out the way I wanted them to, they would work out the way they should. (incidentally, we reunited and started our family shortly thereafter : )

Anyway - my family is a very "big picture" family, and accepting of fate/divine intervention/whatever you want to call it, even when it's something that's unfortunate (we've had many illnesses and other traumas in our extended family so it's not like we have positive attitudes because nothing bad ever happens to us - and we're not Pollyana types, either, or in denial). AND, we believe that everything happens for a reason, even if it's a reason we couldn't possibly understand at the time.

Sooooooo. That's why I think I can handle tantrums, which to me are more anger; than whining, which I seem to see as a little kid version of self pity/pessimism. I think at the very core of it I don't want my whiny little kid to become a self pitying, pessimistic adult - talk about projection to the Nth degree! :

This has honestly been very enlightening for me, thanks Deva! Knowing why whining bothers *me* is going to help me deal with it better emotionally. I doubt I will change my own method (which is to request him to ask in his regular, calm voice - and model it for him - but not withhold whatever it is he's after), because it's something I want to go away as quickly as humanly possible , but I think it will help ME deal inside with feeling like, "Lord, if I wind up with a whiny kid...... " every time he's tired or otherwise cranky and whines. Poor kid.



Ahem....getting back to you...I think that faking it until you can make it more real to yourself isn't a bad thing. And, I still maintain that requesting no whining isn't un-GD or uncompassionate....maybe you just feel like you need to work on your internal dialogue and wording a little more (instead of "stop whining" ) - but I'm positive you can come up with a more gentle 'script' than that. I think the background work you're going to do from this thread will help you deal with it better, and if you feel better internally, you'll act more compassionately externally. I'm pretty sure that's the way you work...:

[DevaMajka]

I do have a bit of "me time." I'm lucky in that dp works from home most of the time. Summer is slow, so he has lots of time with us, and he just about never balks when he can tell that I want him to hang with Keagan so I can go do something else. He takes over so I can watch tv in peace, if that's what I end up doing. When he goes grocery shopping, he takes ds. When I go, lots of times I go by myself.

Originally Posted by sea_joy

"stop whining" sounds to me like, "please be happy so I can be happy".

So true!!

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

Knowing why whining bothers *me* is going to help me deal with it better emotionally.

I'm definitely finding that true for me.

I think the background work you're going to do from this thread will help you deal with it better, and if you feel better internally, you'll act more compassionately externally. I'm pretty sure that's the way you work...:

How'd ya know?

Originally Posted by loraxc

Anyway, Deva33, you consistently model kindness, thoughtfulness and respect in this forum. That speaks very highly of you, IMO. You are among the last MDCers I would list as "not compassionate."

Awww, that made my day!!

I also have to say (because I painted such a crappy picture of myself lol) that I talked to Dal (CL- I really admire her!) yesterday, and she said I was great (in re: discipline and parenting). And she's seen some of my un-fabulous parenting moments.

[LynnS6]

If you're on sensory overload, it could be your 'fight or flight' mechanism kicking in. Our ds has sensory processing disorder, and when he's overloaded, he is incapable of responding. It's taken me a LONG time to come to the realization that he's not not compassionate (yes, I meant the double negative). He can be compassionate. But in that instance, his response mechanism has shut down. He CAN'T respond.

After a year's worth of Occupational Therapy, he's better. But he still 'freezes' when overloaded. It's just that it takes more to overload him. He's even said "I'm sorry." several times, which is something he could never do before.

As for your responses - in the grand scheme of things - is it that bad to not respond to a whining child? I think you need to cut yourself some slack here. (Or as my sister said "It's nothing that a few years of therapy won't cure. ) If you can't respond to him when he's fallen and hurt himself, THEN I would worry. When he's whining for ice cream? Nah. (Although I will readily confess that sometimes, when ds or dd is tired, resisting going to bed, and then they fall and hurt themselves because they are too tired to be coordinated, my first reaction is not compassion, but irritation.)

My dh is naturally more GD than I am as well (his parents were more so than my parents). Though he does occasionally snap and impose a consequence without warning (e.g., plopping the kids in bed when they refuse to help clean up in the bedtime routine), so that helps me feel like I'm not such an awful parent.

I've also recently discovered by reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" that there is one spirited person in the house: ME! I do need to take that into account.

Recommended reading:
The Highly Sensitive Child (I like this one more than the Highly Sensitive Person one)
The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (there may be one by the same author for adults, I forget)
Sensational Kids (it's about sensory processing disorder and might give you some ideas of what to do for yourself)
Women's Moods - OK, nothing to do with being sensitive per se, but I find that my moods are, alas, very much influenced by my hormones, and this has really helped me understand that shift.

From everything I've read that you've written, you're a good parent. If you weren't, you wouldn't be worried about this!

[DevaMajka]

Ok, the truth comes out!
Dp told me yesterday that he meant (but obviously didn't communicate well) that I was insensitive to HIM sometimes. lol
He doesn't really think that (in general) I'm not compassionate enough to ds. He says that things that I don't show much compassion are small things that it's not a big deal to respond to without a lot of compassion (like, ds whining for ice cream). He said that the wording of my response could be improved (I definitely agree). But that other than that he's not noticed anything bad in my parenting.
I'm definitely more critical of myself than dp is. *I* feel the lack of compassion, but evidently I act better than I feel. There are definitely things I want to work on, and this thread has been an amazing place to start. There are some awesome suggestions, words of encouragement, and book recs.
But it's a load off that dp doesn't think that I'm mean to ds. I must highly value his opinion!

I forgot that this whole thing started when I told dp this: I wouldn't let ds watch the portable dvd player. I told him to watch the regular dvd/tv instead. Ds was having a fit, crying, tears streaming down his face, rolling on the floor.
I laughed. I hid it pretty well I think. But...uh, yeah. That was pretty bad! (but not a regular occurance, thankfully!) I'm not sure why I laughed. I wonder if it had something to do with it being uncomfortable for me...dunno.