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I'm tired of being a stepparent (VENT)

post #1 of 148
Thread Starter 
I'm tired of there being another person in our small house, and a room that we can never use because it's his.
I'm tired of the money for the braces and the traveling and the vacations and the presents and the constant treats, and of being the bad guy if I try to set any limits.
I'm tired of the mouthing off and the pee on the toilet seat (when it's down, that is) and the towels and dishes on the floor and the sugar all over the kitchen counter and the wet clothes dripping all over the bathroom.
I'm tired of years of court cases and of writing checks to someone for whom they will never be enough.
I'm tired of there being another family in my life that I don't like and never got to choose, but constantly seems to affect me.
I'm tired of being mocked and disrespected and made fun of, and of my parenting direction (FOR MY OWN CHILD) being ignored, and of my child never getting to be number one.
And most of all, I'm tired of never being able to talk to my DH about this, because then it suddenly becomes about HIM and is no longer about me and my feelings.

G** D*** I am tired.
post #2 of 148

:hug

First of all, take a deep breath. Know that you are not alone in this. I'm really sorry you are feeling so bitter. I've been there myself. A lot. I got tired of the same things you stated, but then I realized something: I chose this lifestyle when I married DH (bear with me here, we've been married 1 month yesterday-dated for 2 years) I knew when I started seeing him he had 3 boys (10, 8 and 5) and a greedy, bipolar ex-wife. But, I knew (know) that I'm up to the task of about 13 years left (until the youngest DSS) is off to college/life (about $280,000 in CS once all paid....but who's counting??? LOL).

Chose your battles. Inform DH that you are taking one night a week OFF. That means no dinner prep, no laundry, no picking up. Nothing. One night. Take off for the movies, or a Starbucks run or call up a girlfriend to bitch. Whatever YOU need to get into a better place. It doesn't suck all the time. There are times I want to just plaster a strip of duct tape over each angel's mouth (trust me, my ds (9) is sometimes included in this fantasy) before I have to hear one more complaint, one more dinner that is broadcast via wide open chewing mouths, one more whine....

Take heart, sister-at-step-arms. Take heart. Or as I say to the boys:
Don't make me release the flying monkeys! :-)

PM me if you would like to call me to vent sometime. It's easier when there is a ready ear available.

-Kim
post #3 of 148
I can so sympathize with how you are feeling. I've felt all of that and then some. Feel free to PM me if you need an ear.
post #4 of 148
post #5 of 148


Every stepmom needs a venting place! *it should be written down and notirized *
post #6 of 148
Ohhh, mama, I feel ya. I feel so powerless sometimes too. I had been married for 2yrs before biomom told DH about DSS. I really get sick of it sometimes. Like what are these people doing in MY FAMILY???

Hugs and hugs, and ears to listen....
post #7 of 148
Sometimes the only thing left to do is hold on and breathe.
post #8 of 148
Gosh I can so empathize with you!!!
post #9 of 148
I can empathize with you from the other side. I live with my boyfriend (ah, that sounds so teenager, doesn't it? ) and I have two kids by a deadbeat ex who has a girlfriend 16 years younger than him...... and neither has a job or even the faintest grasp on reality or what it entails. So you can imagine what poor boyfriend goes through.... by the hundredth screaming rant of the day about lawyers and how freakin' UA violation my ex is, he's practically ready to run out the door to freedom!

I really hope your dp appreciates and understands how much you are doing/sacrificing for him, you, your children, everything. I try to let my luv know how much I love and appreciate him for sticking through all this with me, and I also let him know that it's okay for him to say "I cannot deal with this stuff today" if he gets overwhelmed and can't bear to hear me rant (again).
post #10 of 148
I feel for you Stepmoms and the poor children in these scenarios, both yours and your stepkids. I know I am not up to doing what you do and putting up with what you put up with.
post #11 of 148
Oh, how I understand. I really, truly, understand. Especially the not being to talk to your DH about how you feel.
post #12 of 148
post #13 of 148
Oh wow! I felt like you wrote this for me! Couldnt have said it better. (((HUGS)))
post #14 of 148
post #15 of 148
((((HUGS)))))

I so understand!!! It's hard, especially the part about not being able to level with DH. The minute i say anything derogatory about their behavior- I don't like his kids or I am mean (let it be know I have been their step mom for 11 years- since they were 3 and 1) but HE can say the same things about OUR dd and they are true....hmmmmmmm

Mine have been here for too long and they leave tomorrow TG!
post #16 of 148
I'm a child of parents who divorced when I was 2, both remarried when I was 3, and both divorced again when I was 17 and 22. One has remarried again, the other has not. My answers are coming from that perspective, so take from it what you will. My father and step-mother raised me from the time I was 3 til they divorced when I was 17.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
I'm tired of there being another person in our small house, and a room that we can never use because it's his.
After reading more of your posts, seeing that you have a small child and another baby on the way, and only 2 bedrooms, I will say this arrangement doesn't make much sense. I can see the SS having the 2nd bedroom when he's there, but I certainly can't imagine dedicating that space ONLY to him when you obviously don't have much space to work with. What does your DH say about this situation?

Quote:
I'm tired of the money for the braces and the traveling and the vacations and the presents and the constant treats, and of being the bad guy if I try to set any limits.
IMO, the step parent *really* shouldn't handle the financial aspect of child support. Your DH should have some sort of financial agreement with his ex, correct? As in, he sends x amount of money each month, right? *He* is the one who needs to write and send those checks. If he is responsible for things like braces, then he's responsible. It won't be any different than when YOUR son gets older and you guys are told he needs x,y,z. You figure out a way to pay for it, just like you will if it's your own son.

As for the 'setting limits' part, I'm thinking you mean setting limits on what is spent on things that are in addition to agreed upon child support. Like the treats and vacations maybe? I think *every* family needs a workable budget, and these things need to be a part of your family's budget. Both you and your DH have to be on the same page when it comes to spending, no matter WHAT you're spending the money on. Otherwise, you're just asking for trouble.

Quote:
I'm tired of the mouthing off and the pee on the toilet seat (when it's down, that is) and the towels and dishes on the floor and the sugar all over the kitchen counter and the wet clothes dripping all over the bathroom.
Disrespect is unacceptable and wouldn't be tolerated. The messes can be cleaned by SS, and if he refuses and your DH refuses to insist he pick up after himself, your DH can do it himself. I would not play that game with either of them.

Quote:
I'm tired of years of court cases and of writing checks to someone for whom they will never be enough.
Unfortunately, these things seem to be a part of life for families who are divorced. It sucks. I would recommend you not be the one writing the checks though, as I personally think your DH should handle that himself.

Quote:
I'm tired of there being another family in my life that I don't like and never got to choose, but constantly seems to affect me.
Were you unaware he had a child when you married him? I have a *really* hard time feeling much empathy for someone with this issue unless they were completely unaware of the step-child/ex-spouse when the met, dated, and married their current spouse. As long as you knew about his child, you DID *choose* to become a part of the situation. Doesn't mean the situation doesn't stink, but it *was* a choice (again, assuming you knew he had a child when you married him).

Quote:
I'm tired of being mocked and disrespected and made fun of, and of my parenting direction (FOR MY OWN CHILD) being ignored, and of my child never getting to be number one.
Again, disrespect is not ok. Not by your SS, not by your DH, not by his ex. Not. Ok. Who is ignoring your parenting of your own child? The only two people who should be parenting your son are you and your DH. The two of you need to work together on this, but you'd have to do this regardless of him having another child.

Why do you feel your child doesn't get to be 'number one'? Perhaps your DH believes focusing on the SS (I'm totally guessing here and may be way off, so forgive me if I am) while he is there is acceptable because your son is there all the time? It would stand to reason that obviously the SS isn't the sole focus of the family if SS isn't even there for the bulk of the month.

Quote:
And most of all, I'm tired of never being able to talk to my DH about this, because then it suddenly becomes about HIM and is no longer about me and my feelings.
This is where I would very strongly urge counseling, even if it's just for you. The divorce rate for remarriages is horrid. Assuming you do not want to become another statistic, you NEED to figure out a way to communicate your feelings with your DH if you have any hope of making your marriage work. Having someone who is impartial to the situation can be critical when figuring things out in a mixed family.
post #17 of 148
wifeandmom
very well said!

IME- my dh has too much guilt to talk rationally about their behavior, but i know he knows he's being unfair to our kids and tg it doesn't happen often.
post #18 of 148

I'm right where you are

I know this was posted quite awhile ago but I completely understand where you are coming from. I think every stepmom has the right to vent sometimes because frankly, it is HARD to be a stepmom. It is HARD to be completely loving to children who are not yours when you don't always get a say in their disciplining, when they don't listen to you and your dh doesn't help out....I too am tired of many things. I'm tired of the toys in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the living room, under the couches...I'm tired of the writing on the walls(literally), the pee pee accidents because he was too busy to go to the bathroom until it was too late, the NOISE, the lack of quality time I'm able to spend with my dh....I'm tired of a lot of things, so I completely understand...but as a few people said, it isn't always bad...We just have to have our days to vent. Go off somewhere with some friends. Go spend the day getting manicures and going shopping, catching a movie, going to lunch. You need some girl time, you need a breather!!
post #19 of 148
I am new at doing quotes so bear with me.

"IMO, the step parent *really* shouldn't handle the financial aspect of child support. Your DH should have some sort of financial agreement with his ex, correct?"

Stepparents are coproducers of income in the family whether they have an outside job or not. My money is my husband's and his is mine, at least here in Tx. So when CS goes out, it is my money going out. I don't begrudge it, but I will be happy when DSS is 18 and we have more disposable income.

"Were you unaware he had a child when you married him? I have a *really* hard time feeling much empathy for someone with this issue unless they were completely unaware of the step-child/ex-spouse when the met, dated, and married their current spouse. As long as you knew about his child, you DID *choose* to become a part of the situation. Doesn't mean the situation doesn't stink, but it *was* a choice (again, assuming you knew he had a child when you married him)".

I have a *really* hard time with those who can't empathize with those of us who honestly didn't know how hard it would be to become a stepmom and have a little stranger in our home. I had no idea that the stress would be so much or that the ex was so horrible. Others can tell you about it, but until you experience it yourself, it doesn't seem so bad.Yes, I knew he had a child, but I didn't know that child was a thief, a liar, an expert manipulator and violent. I also didn't know that the mother was borderline personality and dishonest. I didn't choose these problems, I chose a man. How could I choose those problems when I didn't even know they existed? I respected my DH because he didn't "badmouth" either one of them. I had to learn their difficult natures on my own.

OP I feel for you. Everything you said struck a cord with me. Try to talk your husband into going to some parenting classes or counseling with you. IMO guilt makes dads do weird things including allowing disrespect to their wives and stepmothers of their children. He may just need his eyes opened by an outside party.
post #20 of 148
Quote:
Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
"Were you unaware he had a child when you married him? I have a *really* hard time feeling much empathy for someone with this issue unless they were completely unaware of the step-child/ex-spouse when the met, dated, and married their current spouse. As long as you knew about his child, you DID *choose* to become a part of the situation. Doesn't mean the situation doesn't stink, but it *was* a choice (again, assuming you knew he had a child when you married him)".

I have a *really* hard time with those who can't empathize with those of us who honestly didn't know how hard it would be to become a stepmom and have a little stranger in our home. I had no idea that the stress would be so much or that the ex was so horrible. Others can tell you about it, but until you experience it yourself, it doesn't seem so bad.Yes, I knew he had a child, but I didn't know that child was a thief, a liar, an expert manipulator and violent. I also didn't know that the mother was borderline personality and dishonest. I didn't choose these problems, I chose a man. How could I choose those problems when I didn't even know they existed? I respected my DH because he didn't "badmouth" either one of them. I had to learn their difficult natures on my own.
Sometimes you are in too deep before you have any earthly idea of what it is like. When DF and I decided to have a baby, I knew DSD, but it was an EOW kind of arrangement. Completely different from the 50/50 situation we have now. At the time, I really didn't know what to expect, and didn't really know if/when his parenting time would increase. In fact, at that time DSD's mom was planning on moving to CO, so we would, in theory, see DSD rarely. Fast forward to now, where she lives with us every other week. I make her lunches and do her hair. Read her books while she is in the bathtub. Argue with DF over discipline. I could not have possibly known what it was going to be like. You just don't understand until you are in it.

It is also difficult to live with a pint-sized version of your SO's ex.

So, yeah, I knew he had a child. But I didn't know the reality of it. I think this happens to a lot of stepparents.

ETA: Your dh really does need to deal with the disrespect issues as well as the potty-training one.
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