Spin-off: What blocks our compassionate response?

[chfriend]

I'm so tempted to derail the great thread on compassion or the other one of why we are angry with this question....so I want to give it a thread of its own!

What gets in the way of an empathic/sympathetic/compassionate response" to our children.

Especially when I'm tired, I struggle with wishing I didn't need to listen...when I know it's the only thing that will help the situation!

How do you wise moms pull the compassion out? What gets in your way when you shut off?

[mamaduck]

Well. I am half tempted to delete my response to the other thread and post it here instead.

[chfriend]

It was quoting your post there to respond that made me start this thread!! Awesome thinking mamad!

[AntoninBeGonin]

Perhaps we love our children as extensions of ourselves and when our own physical or mental Self isn't in "balance", then we don't have the internal resources necessary to deal with a separate person.

[~*Guest]

i have found much of the time when i feel mean or angry at my children it is usually because i am feeling bad about myself for some reason. for example, i have no friends to call and am lonely, or soemone didn't call me, or my husband said something unthoughtful, or i feel unattractive, etc. so i guess its as simple as am i feeling compassionate towards myself. and if not, i have a hard time being compassionate to my kids.

[forestrymom]

Well, it happened to me last night. I was wiped out, and everyone wanted ME. I needed someone to have compassion for me, and they didn't. I needed to be selfish. Obviously I can't expect it from dd, because she is too young, but when I feel pulled a thousand different ways, and when I am needy, I just can't be compassionate. I recognized it, and after I had a chance to collect myself, I was able to find the compassion I needed to get through the rest of the evening--and dd had a hard night too.

[artgirl]

I think sometimes I see things in my children that I view as a "weakness"... maybe even of my own, and then I have a hard time being compassionate because I am afraid that they'll grow up with the same "flaw".

When my dd *tattles* on her brother, or when she *pretends* that she's more severely injured than she is... I struggle to be compassionate. I don't want her to be a whiner or someone who blows things out of proportion for attention.

Oh mothering can be so hard sometimes. I fail at it daily... and also succeed daily.

Interesting topic though.

[riversong]

It is really hard for me to be compassionate when I'm really in need of some time to myself. When I've gone all day with no break from taking care of children (unless you count driving with kids in the back seat as a break-which I don't ) I feel like I'm ready to snap. When dd is throwing a tantrum she usually just needs me to hold her for a while. There are times when I can't bring myself to hold her because I just want to run away. I can handle tantrums so much better if I'm well rested and I've had some alone time in the recent past.

Right now, the thing that helps me the most is thinking about what MDC mamas have written on here. Remembering someone's advice or just knowing that other mamas are struggling to keep it together when their kids are losing it actually helps me a lot. I just try to breathe deeply and think of what other mamas would do.

[LilyGrace]

It's when I want a quick fix. I'm tired, frustrated, and just am out of patience that I feel the least compassionate. I know in my heart that there isn't a quick fix to most problems, and that compassion is the only way to help make it better sometimes, but I feel .......terse, short on words when I'm just tired of it all.

Thank goodness for mommy breaks, or some days would just get worse and worse.

[fluttermama]

Well, it happened to me last night. I was wiped out, and everyone wanted ME. I needed someone to have compassion for me, and they didn't. I needed to be selfish. Obviously I can't expect it from dd, because she is too young, but when I feel pulled a thousand different ways, and when I am needy, I just can't be compassionate. I recognized it, and after I had a chance to collect myself, I was able to find the compassion I needed to get through the rest of the evening--and dd had a hard night too.

Yes, yes, yes. This is me this late afternoon....and as soon as dh walks through the door I am headed to B & N for a Hot Godiva Chocolate and a quiet browse through books. It's the hardest when you are alone and there is no end in site for at least eight hours or so. :

[AntoninBeGonin]

Originally Posted by fluttermama

Yes, yes, yes. This is me this late afternoon....and as soon as dh walks through the door I am headed to B & N for a Hot Godiva Chocolate and a quiet browse through books. It's the hardest when you are alone and there is no end in site for at least eight hours or so. :

I plan to take a trip to my local BN or Borders this weekend and spend a little relaxing "me" time just like that .

[DevaMajka]

I think what gets me is when I've tried to offer explanations and alternatives, and ds continues whining or crying. When I can't make him stop whining/crying.
If I have to be honest, I think its when *I* think he shouldn't be upset anymore. That the problem should have been fixed. Because he's being "irrational" (not like he's a 3yo or anything : lol).

I think the sound of whining/crying bothers me in itself. I can't stand noises that are too loud (I listen to the tv at a low volume, with the captions on), and even the computer and refrigerator sounds drive me crazy sometimes.

And I wonder if it could be related to my dad using the phrase "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" quite a bit in my childhood. He'd use it when we were crying because he punished us. Idiot.
Oh, and when we'd get hurt (not badly, I assume) he'd say "come here and I'll pick you up" implying that it wasn't bad enough for him to come help us.
My parents divorced when I was 5, so he didn't punish us at all after that. But perhaps that was enough...

[Imogen]

This has really been a problem for me recently.. my lack of compassion, my lack of patience. And it is all related to my present job and quite a serious personal situation that I'm experiencing at the moment. I have found that I'm having to work three times as hard not to either lay down and cry, or explode.

I do feel positive however, mainly because I've recognised that there is a problem right now, so I am trying to create emotional and psychological tools to better deal with the amount of stress that I'm feeling. Consequently, I'm trying to 'pause' when situations occur that cause me anger, to focus upon the response which would benefit my son the most. It's difficult, but I'm trying.

Peace

[mamaduck]

And I wonder if it could be related to my dad using the phrase "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" quite a bit in my childhood. He'd use it when we were crying because he punished us. Idiot.
Oh, and when we'd get hurt (not badly, I assume) he'd say "come here and I'll pick you up" implying that it wasn't bad enough for him to come help us.
My parents divorced when I was 5, so he didn't punish us at all after that. But perhaps that was enough...

So this is how you have been trained to view childish behavior in children under 5. Based on your experiences. And if you were treated gently/respectfully after you were five -- then you will have an easier time dealing with your kids after that same age.

[Wugmama]

I find this thread interesting because I read in a Scott Noelle daily groove email, "It is best to always respond with compassion" and while I don't always do that, for some reason, this has become a mantra in my mind. For everyone, not just my children. I think it is something worth striving for, hey, even for ourselves!


~Tracy

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by chfriend

What gets in your way when you shut off?

honestly, PMS. it's awful but so true. the week before my period i feel like everyone in the world is incredibly stupid, except for me of course. i'm very aware that's not the case....but i need to take A LOT of extra deep breaths, get extra sleep, and watch my diet during that time....it helps keep me from being down-right ugly.

just being honest

[bigeyes]

I think when one of our dcs reminds us of a relative we are not to fond of, or they show a trait we have, or our dp has that we don't like, it blocks our compassion.

Kinda like the way we don't like adults who have the traits we don't like in ourselves.

I know that is a huge problem for me.

[hippymomma69]

Well until this week I would have said that being tired causes me to loose compassion....but I had some kind of epiphany and now I realize that it's when I'm trying to meet everyone else's needs but not my own. For example, my DS has been up for 2 nights in a row with vomiting - but I'm all calm and cool because I finally set some boundaries about how much "work" I can do around the house....I'm cool as a cucumber! LOL

I'm also trying not to suppress my anger but to just acknowledge it early before it builds....

peace,
robyn

[AileenM]

Thank God for this thread. We just had a night like this...DD just didn't get it..."If you close your eyes, you'll feel soooo much better!! It's easy, just close your eyes!!!" I actually said that to her!! She's 4 months old. : I was just sooo stretched thin, my DH had come home from 2 days of being on duty, having not slept at all, and basically fell in to bed. I had been hoping for a teeny tiny break from housework and baby-rocking, and I didn't get it. I got so angry with the world, and that blocked my compassion for my poor daughter who just wanted to be rocked. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has momentary lapses of reason!!

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by Firsttimepreggers

Thank God for this thread. We just had a night like this...DD just didn't get it..."If you close your eyes, you'll feel soooo much better!! It's easy, just close your eyes!!!" I actually said that to her!! She's 4 months old. : I was just sooo stretched thin, my DH had come home from 2 days of being on duty, having not slept at all, and basically fell in to bed. I had been hoping for a teeny tiny break from housework and baby-rocking, and I didn't get it. I got so angry with the world, and that blocked my compassion for my poor daughter who just wanted to be rocked. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has momentary lapses of reason!!

I once promised DS I'd buy him a car for his 16th birthday if he'd go to sleep. Of course he kept crying, but then I felt better because I was off the hook for the car.