three yo "playing rough" with 12mo

[~*Guest]

we have been having a sort of ongoing problem with my dd1. she has been jealous of dd2 since she was born. she has never really gotten into the role of caring, helpful, big sister. its much more adverserial. she has been sort of rough with dd2 since she was a few months old. things like hugging too hard, holding her down on the floor, just not letting her move, etc. lately she has been smacking her on top of her head. sometimes the stuff she does is sort of playful, but also too rough. when she does it, the look on her face isn't a nice one. so, seems to be getting worse of late. but dd2 likes it to a certain extent. my first impulse is to seperate them right away, which is what i have been doing. but it seems dd2 laughs and kind of plays along with it, until she gets frustrated if i let them be. then when she does get frustrated, dd1 won't let her go. how do i stop this adversarial thing that is going on? and i feel like i don't want to make all physical interaction between them off limits, but also don't want dd2 getting hurt. and i feel like this must be my fault. my mom tells me that my big sister never hurt me when i was little, so i feel like what is wrong with my parenting???? i usually send dd1 to her room to cool down when she does something really rough. i tell her how its not ok, it could hurt her sister, i don't like it, etc. doesn't seem to do much. any suggestions? dd1 is soooo demanding of my time, and gets jealous whenever i give dd2 attention. its really hard. i thought this would be getting better by now, but it seems to be getting worse.

[chfriend]

Brainstorming here: Is dd1 getting lots of big motor movement? outside play? gentle "roughhousing" with a grown up? alone time with both parents?

[~*Guest]

i've been bad about getting her outside or anywhere for that matter because she is so difficult lately. she runs away, puts random things in her mouth, tries to steal other peoples food, etc. so, i haven't been going out much. i have been blaming it on her being three years old. just seems to be in a difficult place. we have been doing some friendly roughhousing with mama and daddy lately, but now she will come up and jump on my head, or hit me out of the blue. i am at a loss, i am going to my moms house to visit for a couple weeks soon, and i am so excited because i am at the end of my rope with her.

[chfriend]

Can you get someone to help with the younger one while you chase her around a playground? A ten year old neighbor?

[bratmobile]

my 3 and a half year old and 13 month old have just started doing more rough play. we do a lot of wrestling in our house, esp with dp (not so much me) and they both wrestle and romp with him on the futon on the floor. they also have gotten more aggressive with eachother. i just supervise it. if baby J is happy then ds1 knows its ok. i tell him to listen to his "words." if he makes an unhappy noise he knows to back off. he is not usually angry though, they both have fun doing this.

ok, sometimes its a bit angry. last week, i think baby j was closing in on ds1's puzzle and ds1 smacked him hard in the chest, baby j fell down and laughed his butt off and ran back for more. then the puzzle was forgotten and that became the game. sometimes i just know someone is going to get hurt so i just keep an eye on it. if it looks like its going in a bad direction then i intervene. if one or the other is upset (angry looks, squashing in real anger, etc) then i intervene and we talk or redirect. sometimes we redirect by "helping" baby J wrestle ds1 so they both get tossed around together. they both love this. before baby J could walk we helped him to chase ds1-a LOT. our older son is SO active so this sort of play was great for both of them and it was kind of our only option. its still tough somedays though.

[~PurityLake~]

My two year old daughter is pretty rough with my one year old, always has been. I figured there is a bit of jealousy, but mostly she just loves her little sister a bit too much. She likes to bring Sophia her pacifier, they giggle together and tickle each other, then Abigail just gets too wound up because she loves to make Sophia giggle, and Abigail will get rougher. I usually let them be and remind Abigail to be gentle as they play. Sometimes, Abigail takes toys and whacks Sophia on the head when they're fighting over a toy. I've tried teaching Abigail to share, but sometimes she doesn't want to and gets greedy. When she is going to or has just hurt Sophia by kicking, smacking, tickling too hard, lying on her too hard, hugging too tight around Sophia's neck, or hitting her with something, I will intervene. I tell Abigail to stop.... and to be gentle. If/when she doesn't listen to me, I rescue Sophia, give Sophia hugs and kisses (she's usually crying), and tell Abigail to give Sophia kisses because [hitting, kicking, being rough, etc.] gave Sophia owies. Most of the time Abigial wants to make up with Sophia and didn't mean to hurt her.