5 year old completely not ready to sleep by himself!

[rainymorning]

i am a happy cosleeper, we love our family bed. i don't want DS to sleep by himself before he is ready. but he is still unable / unwilling to fall asleep by himself, and i am getting annoyed. i'd read to them. i'd nurse them. i'd stay there for good 30 minutes and rub his back. and when i tell him i need to get up, he either throws a tantrum, or begs me to stay longer, or keeps coming to check on me every 3 minutes, telling me his "dreams"...

it is only in the last year that i feel i really NEED me time at night. before this wasn't an issue. and i get frustrated that i am losing my me time by staying next to him for 1 hour (okay, sometimes it is less, and on some nights he falls asleep in 15 minutes).

i don't want him our of our bed. i want him to be okay with falling asleep on his own...

sometimes i feel he will never wean, never fall asleep on his own...

[velochic]

I'm in the same boat, although dd weaned at around 3.5 yo. For us, it takes up to 2 hours a night to get her to sleep. She's not ready to sleep on her own, which I'm fine with. But like you, I'd love to not (hate to put it this way, but) "waste" 2 hours a night. Thankfully, dh puts her to sleep as many nights as I do, but yeah... no help, but definite sympathy.

[chel]

my almost 7yr dd still co-sleeps and night nursed till 5.5. Getting ready for bed is just peeing and brushing teeth for everyone. We all go to bed at the same time and dd is out within minutes. Dh and I do us time in the am when we both wake before dd, or now that she's older we can send her to her room while we watch a scary movie, etc.

[Lovenest]

He WILL wean, he WILL sleep on his own... one day!
Try to take it one day at a time and remember one day these will all just be memories. It sounds like your son is not ready to give up either, I know its hard as I am in the same boat as you, my son will be 5 Aug 3.
Maybe can you start reading a book when you lie down with him so its not so much like a hurry up and go to sleep but more of a relaxing time for the 2 of you?

[katiecat]

I was going to say the same as Doriansmommy.

DS was 5 in May and I still lie with him til he's asleep at night. It might be a bit different for me as I work full time outside the home so I see it as spending more time with him but still, some nights there is something specific I want to do after he's asleep, not to mention spending time with dh.

I usually read a book of my own so then I see it as some "me" time. This is my main reading time for myself.

And he will wean (and sleep on his own). I do the usual thinking about in 10 years when he won't want me to be around anymore. But I know that doesn't always help now.

DS is also still nursing but that doesn't get him to sleep anymore and he's starting to skip asking some nights now. Which is completely amazing to me because he's been such a good nurser!

I have started sometimes telling him that I need to go do such and such and then I'll come back. Mind you, it's usually something that I'm only gone 5 minutes or so. Sometimes he does follow me, other times he stays in bed. If he's very tired he sometimes will fall asleep while I'm gone. I figure that's a start!

[Lingmom]

Our parenting philosophy could differ a bit, so happily ignore my suggestion if you just don't agree.

But I think if something isn't working for you, it's okay to make a change. That doesn't mean ending co-sleeping (since you clearly say you're happy), but it might mean that you set limits about how long you're willing to snuggle in bed while you wait for your son to sleep or how long you're willing to nurse.

I know some people would argue that children, not adults, should make decisions about when to wean or how long to co-sleep... But I believe that it's really a relationship between two people and if one of them is not happy with it, it's okay to make a change so that it works better.

[pinecone]

I'd just like to add to the discussion that while we have never co-slept, we do parent our 5yo DD to sleep each night in her bed. She too, needs to be read to, have her back rubbed and sung to etc. and the whole process takes from 45min-1hour. My Dh and I alternate putting DD to bed.

I had a friend the other day tell me they read one book to their 2 DDs who share a room and then leave whether they're ready for sleep or not. He seemed to imply that I should just have DD learn to handle it. I explained to our friend that this is a special/important time for us as I am a WOHM I want to be there fore my DD as much as possible and it is a very important nurturing time for us. I could see he hadn't thought about that before since his wife is a SAHM and they co-slept for an earlier part of their DC's lives.

Anyway, I am getting long-winded here. Just want to say that I totally get where you're at and the thing I remind myself is that this too will change eventually and then I might miss it.

Good luck,
~ Denise

[4evermom]

My about to be 6 yo still needs me to stay with him as he falls asleep and throughout the night. He "wakes up" completely disoriented and not really conscious if I'm not there which always concerned me because he would start moving around trying to find me in this sleepwalking sort of state.

To stay happy with lying down with him as much as he needs, I make sure I have a book by the bed, a small light for reading, and sometimes something like crocheting or letters to write. I use that time as a time to just think and plan, as well, if he doesn't need me to be more involved.

[NaturalMamma]

Our situation:

DD is almost 7.
She self-weaned right before her 4th birthday.
She is an only child.
She is in our bed pretty much full-time.
She has her own bed in her own room.
She has to be parented to sleep.
Mostly these days she is going to bed the same time as us.

Not much help--only sympathy.

[spirit4ever]

our situation:

just in the last few weeks I've been ably to leave ds1 and ds2 alone to fall asleep (they do have eachother) which some nights is a blessing and other nights a nightmare, but they seem to be learning more and more to like having each other there, up until a few months ago we all co-slept in my king w/ dh! There are still some odd nights that ds1 is having a hard time so I grab 'my' book and reading light, sit in between them and read for a while! I actually enjoy it b/c it is my reading time! It did take some 'talking' about though, and I did have to kind of mean what I say... "after 8:45 it's MOMMY TIME" they get my undevided attention during the whole bedtime routine, snuggles then that's it, after 5 years off lying down w/ him till he was completely asleep I had enough It works out really well now. Which I'm glad b/c he starts school in Sept and I'll need that after bedtime to get things ready for the next morning!

"After many years of endless searching, I found my dream career as a SAHM " I LOVE this quote! That too would be my dream career..!!!

[newmommy]

You are not alone. DS continues needing to be parented to sleep. And I figure, after 4 years, it's time for Me some Me Time.

I pick a time I want DS in bed. Say 10pm. I then start our bedtime routine at about 7:30pm and after all the hoopla, by 10pm, he can no longer fight bedtime and eventually falls asleep.

DS is old enough now for *My Rule* and My Rule is this: Mommy will lay down with you for 15 minutes. If you are not sleep in 15 minutes, Mommy kisses you good night and I am leaving the family bed.

This cuts down on feelings of resentment. Because if you are like me, I am TOTALLY spent by 10pm at night. And 10pm is GOOD because DS bedtime USED to be anywhere from 11pm-1am and I was getting ZERO time for myself...and it was starting to take a toll on my health. Seriously.

[rainymorning]

Originally Posted by velochic

I'm in the same boat, although dd weaned at around 3.5 yo. For us, it takes up to 2 hours a night to get her to sleep. She's not ready to sleep on her own, which I'm fine with. But like you, I'd love to not (hate to put it this way, but) "waste" 2 hours a night. Thankfully, dh puts her to sleep as many nights as I do, but yeah... no help, but definite sympathy.

thanks. i find that when i don't have expectations, everything is smoother, but is so hard not to hope for a quiet evening for myself! to you too.

[rainymorning]

Originally Posted by doriansmummy

He WILL wean, he WILL sleep on his own... one day!
Try to take it one day at a time and remember one day these will all just be memories. It sounds like your son is not ready to give up either, I know its hard as I am in the same boat as you, my son will be 5 Aug 3.
Maybe can you start reading a book when you lie down with him so its not so much like a hurry up and go to sleep but more of a relaxing time for the 2 of you?

this is a great idea--to read in bed! thanks! i will need to find a good book light, and i'd be happy to nurse him forever!

[rainymorning]

Originally Posted by chel

my almost 7yr dd still co-sleeps and night nursed till 5.5. Getting ready for bed is just peeing and brushing teeth for everyone. We all go to bed at the same time and dd is out within minutes. Dh and I do us time in the am when we both wake before dd, or now that she's older we can send her to her room while we watch a scary movie, etc.

i wish i could get up before them! but their sleep in the morning is so restless, they both wake up within 30 min of me getting up...

[rainymorning]

Originally Posted by katiecat

I have started sometimes telling him that I need to go do such and such and then I'll come back. Mind you, it's usually something that I'm only gone 5 minutes or so. Sometimes he does follow me, other times he stays in bed. If he's very tired he sometimes will fall asleep while I'm gone. I figure that's a start!

that's a good idea, thanks!

[rainymorning]

Originally Posted by pinecone

I'd just like to add to the discussion that while we have never co-slept, we do parent our 5yo DD to sleep each night in her bed. She too, needs to be read to, have her back rubbed and sung to etc. and the whole process takes from 45min-1hour. My Dh and I alternate putting DD to bed.

~ Denise

thanks Denise, for the reminded that this is a very important part of the day, even for a sahm. one problem here that DH would not put them to bed. partly he feels he doesn't know how and feels it is not his responsibility, partly both nurse before bed and want / need me. the bottom line, it doesn't work. oh, how i wish we could alternate!

[rainymorning]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

To stay happy with lying down with him as much as he needs, I make sure I have a book by the bed, a small light for reading, and sometimes something like crocheting or letters to write. I use that time as a time to just think and plan, as well, if he doesn't need me to be more involved.

great ideas! i did a lot of planning today, and it was very productive!

[rainymorning]

Originally Posted by spirit4ever

our situation:

just in the last few weeks I've been ably to leave ds1 and ds2 alone to fall asleep (they do have eachother) which some nights is a blessing and other nights a nightmare, but they seem to be learning more and more to like having each other there,

this is what i am looking forward. our kids are almost the same age. and i feel that when DD won't be so dependent on nursing to fall asleep, they will enjoy falling asleep together. they snuggle a lot before bedtime, and today DD nursed a bit, then told me she had enough and wanted a hug. so maybe by the time the new baby comes, they will be falling asleep together (wishful thinking )

[rainymorning]

Originally Posted by newmommy

I pick a time I want DS in bed. Say 10pm. I then start our bedtime routine at about 7:30pm and after all the hoopla, by 10pm, he can no longer fight bedtime and eventually falls asleep.

i started doing this. i have them ready for bed, and then they wrestle and jump on the bed for 1 hour or more. not sure if they might be too hyper from this, but they bond so well, and they love doing it.

DS is old enough now for *My Rule* and My Rule is this: Mommy will lay down with you for 15 minutes. If you are not sleep in 15 minutes, Mommy kisses you good night and I am leaving the family bed.

i do this too, but i feel he is resentful. like he will sulk when i am going, or beg for me not to go...so i feel he is not totally ready...

This cuts down on feelings of resentment. Because if you are like me, I am TOTALLY spent by 10pm at night. And 10pm is GOOD because DS bedtime USED to be anywhere from 11pm-1am and I was getting ZERO time for myself...and it was starting to take a toll on my health. Seriously.

oh, gosh, this is our situation exactly!!

[mittendrin]

Originally Posted by Lingmom

Our parenting philosophy could differ a bit, so happily ignore my suggestion if you just don't agree.

But I think if something isn't working for you, it's okay to make a change. That doesn't mean ending co-sleeping (since you clearly say you're happy), but it might mean that you set limits about how long you're willing to snuggle in bed while you wait for your son to sleep or how long you're willing to nurse.

I know some people would argue that children, not adults, should make decisions about when to wean or how long to co-sleep... But I believe that it's really a relationship between two people and if one of them is not happy with it, it's okay to make a change so that it works better.