I dread spending the day with my 3 y.o. tomorrow

[riversong]

Ugh. I feel so depressed by my dd's behavior lately and my responses to it. She has been throwing tons of tantrums. She cries and whines and screams at me often throughout the day. We'll have a great morning together where we really connect and then the afternoon will be hellish. She digs her heels in and refuses to do the most simple everyday things, like washing her hands before eating and getting in her carseat, without a fight. It's wearing me down and I don't know how to deal with it. I desperately need suggestions.

Tonight she was screaming about everything as I was getting her into the bath. Dh was trying to get ds back to sleep at the same time and I ended up telling dd to "shut up!" This is not the way I ever envisioned talking to my dd. I've also been handling her roughly because I've resorted to just forcing her into her carseat or into the bathroom. I know that the things she does are normal for a kid her age, but is it normal for this behavior to be so constant? We just got back from a two-week vacation last weekend. I wonder if that's part of it.

[mamaduck]

There are probably a lot of factors at play, but yes, this is all normal. Including your feelings and reactions.

When I went from one to two kids -- it was sometimes hard to tell if my older child had lost his everloving mind, or I had lost mine. I think maybe both -- his behavior worsened, and my perception of his behavior and expectations also changed. I started seeing him as "the big one" and somehow I irrationally expected him to just grow up and stop being a baby already! I regret that. I wish I had let him just be a little kid for as long as he needed to be.

The frequent melt-downs are normal for a three year old. Three is a hard hard hard year. She is going through a lot of changes, and its just a hard time for her. And the vacation probably contributes.

Is she getting enough sleep? This is so crucial.

Are you getting any 1:1 time with her, but without the baby? This is also crucial for both of you. You need at least a couple hours a week when you can focus on each other, and enjoy each other. It will help you to reconnect, remember why you like her, and her to learn to trust your judgement again. This kind of quality time and intimacy bleeds over into the rest of your week, and makes things a lot easier.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Are you getting any 1:1 time with her, but without the baby? This is also crucial for both of you. You need at least a couple hours a week when you can focus on each other, and enjoy each other. It will help you to reconnect, remember why you like her, and her to learn to trust your judgement again. This kind of quality time and intimacy bleeds over into the rest of your week, and makes things a lot easier.

ITA!!! when my dd was 2 1/2 to 3 she went through a terrible phase!!!! TERRIBLE PHASE!!!! like mamaduck said, i needed to be alone with her to just remember what i actually loved about my daughter. my ds was a newborn then, so to spend time alone with my dd...we started cooking together a lot because it was the one thing we could do together that we actually didn't fight about. my dd will be 6 in october, and she is completely amazing and has outgrown her tantrums. i enjoy her so much, and we still cook together daily as a bonding time....she can actually cook certain things by herself with my supervision

[riversong]

Thanks for your responses. It's good to know that it's all normal and should pass. The other day I said to my MIL, "I can't wait till she's older." She gasped and said, "Don't say that!" There are great things about her age, but she's just so challenging some days that I just want to skip ahead.

I agree that sleep and time alone with me are crucial to her wellbeing right now. We spend time together without ds when he's taking his morning nap, but that's it. Some of that time is spent getting ready to go out, so we don't always get much time together before he wakes up. I'll try to schedule more one on one time. Maybe even just a little time on the weekend, like mamaduck suggested.

It's so nice to read that elizawill's dd has outgrown her tantrums and is really enjoyable to be around. I look forward to that.

Today was actually a good day. We had few conflicts and both kept our tempers under control.

[quietserena]

I haven't been there yet but I used to watch a little girl that age at one point. What helped me a lot was making those difficult things into games. I really tried to hands off with her because I didn't want to deal with the fallout so using games was how I got her to eat and change and all those things. I kept making lines of food (dry food) on the table that she liked to eat standing up and this was great because she didn't like to sit down and eat off a plate. For hand washing can you show her different kinds like mouse style (pay special attention to fingertips) or worm style (wash each finger as it's wiggling). Basically find some way to spin it that would appeal. Carseat can be a throne and straps are throne jewelry.

Playful parenting stuff is hard when you're tired but it's better than the temper tantrum alternative I think.

[riversong]

Yes- games are really effective a lot of the time. I need to cultivate my playful attitude.

[Mom2Joseph]

*sigh* I'm right there with you.

All I can say is that Dh and I recently watched the UP video and giving DS more powerautonomy as well as removing all punishments and rewards has helped tremendously. It's still a rough ride so far and I'm still trying to to figure it out. Days like today I told Dh ENOUGH - take him out and let me get a break already!

The playful stuff helps too... the games. And cosleeping really helps us all to reconnect in a lovely, snuggly way at night.