How do you get ppl to leave you alone??

[its_our_family]

My mom has been making snide comments about how we never "force" ds to do anything. he eats if he wants to and he doens't sleep through the night.

I keep jut brushing her off but I'm not ure where this is coing from. Nothing is different now than 6 months ago so why is she being like this now? I guess it is possible tht she is jut now finally telling me.....

I have a feeling this is just the beginning.....

[glad2bhome]

Do you have any literature to support your parenting philosophy? It helps, sometimes, to have professional back-up. (In my case, it's Waldorf education.) How old is your child?
Another thing to consider is that our parents and their parents were taught a more authoritarian parenting style. My MIL commented this morning (visiting, doesn't live with us) that my older daughter was "eating everything on her plate. Look, Elisabeth." My younger (Elisabeth) was having a got-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-crib morning and just wasn't in the mood to eat or be at the table. I made sure to add to my MIL's comment "Yeah, Katie sure is hungry this morning. Maybe you'll be hungry later, Lizzy." I want to emphasize to my MIL and my children that hunger should be an indication of whether or not a plate is cleaned, not doing what someone in authority tells you to. I know she meant no harm but I have read up on the subject (Dr. Sears' Family Nutrition book) and feel I know what's better, now. My .02. Good luck!

~Melissa

[glad2bhome]

Do you have any literature to support your parenting philosophy? It helps, sometimes, to have professional back-up. (In my case, it's Waldorf education.) How old is your child?
Another thing to consider is that our parents and their parents were taught a more authoritarian parenting style. My MIL commented this morning (visiting, doesn't live with us) that my older daughter was "eating everything on her plate. Look, Elisabeth." My younger (Elisabeth) was having a got-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-crib morning and just wasn't in the mood to eat or be at the table. I made sure to add to my MIL's comment "Yeah, Katie sure is hungry this morning. Maybe you'll be hungry later, Lizzy." I wanted to emphasize to my MIL and my children that HUNGER should be an indication of whether or not a plate is cleaned, not doing what someone in authority tells you to. I know she meant no harm but I have read up on the subject (Dr. Sears' Family Nutrition book) and feel I know what's better, now. My .02. Good luck!

~Melissa

[captain optimism]

Aha, it's not "people", it's your mom!

I can't imagine a circumstance--the sky falling?--under which my mom would leave me alone about anything.

She visited over the weekend, and the whole time bugged me about getting a crib, feeding solids, etc. etc.

This evening she phoned to let us know that she and my dad got back okay and to thank us for the lovely time. She used the opportunity to tell me her thoughts about introducing solids, again.

I am not a patient woman. I told her, "Look, Mom, you don't have a leg to stand on here. You started me on solids at four weeks! That's clearly out of line. I am the one who has done all the research, you haven't read anything since the mid 1960s on this subject. So I don't want any advice from you. You should be asking me what I think, since I'm the one who has done all the reading."

Not that I'm advocating such a confrontational approach. I wouldn't call it an approach so much as a flying off the handle.

But back to you, i_o_f. After all, this is your thread! Does your mom really want you to force your nice baby to do things? What does she mean by "force"? Hmmm? Is it an important part of her parenting philosophy that you should FORCE the baby to eat? Can you also force him to sleep? Would that make her feel better, if you started forcing the baby to do things? I didn't think so.

Probably someone else is telling her about their grandchild who eats big helpings of kale and sleeps 12 hours. Nothing you can do about that.

So ask her about how she did it with you and your siblings, and what her mom said to her, and what her MIL said, etc. Let her talk about that. Try to be kinder to your mother than I am to mine, because you only have the one mother. (In my case, thankfully! : )

[eilonwy]

Something is different from 6 months ago: your child is older now, and if i read your sig correctly, you're pregnant. Your mom is probably just worried about you and the new baby, and doesn't have the info that you have. Just explain to her that you know what you're doing, and point to research in the right direction. DH and I are ttc #2 right now, and people keep telling me "But I thought you liked breastfeeding, and you'll have to stop nursing if you get pregnant!" I just explain to them about tandem nursing and nursing during pregnancy. People don't know these things, so it's the job of those who do know to enlighten the masses.

[jeca]

You don't. Mothers never leave you alone about anyhing. I get all kinds of comments, advice, suggestions from my mom most of it just not things I want to do. I use to present my side but it only end sin an argument and mom takes things so personally so now I just sit quitly neither agreeing or disagreeing. Seems to make her happy so oh well I know she'll never change.

[its_our_family]

I get to spend the whole week with her next week....fun fun fun.....

Her new thing is ripping on the names we have picked for this child...... ACK!!

The funny thing is that 8 months ago...no wait....a month ago she was talking about how great of a mom I wqas...now a complete reversal.

It isn't jsut her its ppl at playgroup and everyone I do things with at church. I guess they don't understand that I don't agree with how the parent but I don't force anything on them so why can't they return the favor.....

Thanks for listening ladies! How aggrivating it can all be!!!

[Mothernature]

"I guess they don't understand that I don't agree with how the parent but I don't force anything on them so why can't they return the favor....."

Well, I guess they're all so busy trying to force things on others (children/you) that they think you should be forcing Tracey to do things too.

On a serious note though, with parents it sometimes helps ask them why this has come up. Is there a concern they have that you can address? Then you can take it from there. Find out the root of the issue because this seems to have come from nowhere, but she may have a reason for questioning you all of a sudden. You can (if you so choose) defend your point of view better when you know what your mother is worried about.

edited to say: We learned with pregnancy #1 to keep our name choices to ourselves until it's too late. My family dogged on my boy name the whole time. We're telling them that if it's a boy it's Homer and if it's a girl it's Mertle. They know I'm not serious so they usually drop it.

[Curious]

My IL's will not listen to anything we get from books or articles. Oh, your books again...we know kids...we raised three!

Any way we differ from them in our approach means, in their view, that we think they did a terrible job.

I twist their criticisims into positives. When we visited them "we heard she was up last night." "Yes, she was, she's having a growth spurt again and she needs to eat."

Them: "You're taking her to bed so soon, she doesn't look sleepy." Me: "Yes, she's such a happy girl, she looks perky even when she's tired."

Them: "She's still so clingy, worse than when she was one." Me: "Yes, she has all the emotional defenses of a healthy two year old who knows she has a secure place she can always turn to."

I befuddle them.

My Dh just tells them that childrearing practices change over time and they all have their advantages and disadvantages. Magnanimous, isn't he?

Occasionally the heat lessens, when MIL gets into worrying about our niece who still gets into parent's bed at age 8, which to her is a huge problem, even though the girl is delightful and she never thinks to ask why.

[Mallory]

When I am going to visit someone that I am worried is going to start complaining about my parenting, I just start a list.

Usually when we first see them they have lots of positive compliments- they are growing so big, thier skin is glowing, they are such good boys, ect. Occasionally even complements about my parenting-you are so paitent, whatever.

And then when they start the snide comments, I just remind them that they just told me 2 hours ago or yesterday that the boys looked so happy and healthy and that this is what we have been doing for the past 3 1/2 years.

[miriam]

Living well and being successful is always the best revenge.




Ignore her. This is your child.

[KayleeZoo]

I feel for you. It's so hard to have to continuously justify your parenting decisions. My family has been totally unsupportive of me bf'ing my second dd- I have heard snide comments almost daily for the past almost 6 months since she was born. It's hard because my mom and I are really close and she's been the one with the most negative comments. I finally told her (and everyone else) that they had their chance to parent their own kids- now it's my turn and I'm doing things the way I feel is best. Period- and that their criticism isn't welcome. That was by far the most effective "Leave Me Alone" tactic yet. I've tried to explain my choices, give them stuff to read that supports my ideas, etc. all to no avail. Sometimes you've just to to say, "Back Off- they're my kids!"

Ugh. It's all so frusterating.