Bedtime struggles

[littlehawksmom]

Hello, I am not sure if I should be posting here, as my son has no dx. He is definitely 'different' from his peers and some of his quirks get in the way of him enjoying his life. He was in preschool for a while and a therapist who was visiting to work with another child noticed my ds and asked the teacher to tell me to call her. I did not. From my research, I would guess Asperger's. My friend's IRL do not understand our struggles and I seem to find some similar stories here. Most people who meet him think he is just shy and REALLY into construction procedures and maybe not disciplined enough. When I leave him with people, he is an angel, but at home he is a whirlwind and will will clench is face in an angry way and slam his sister (although usually he bumps her because he does not understand personal space). He is the kid who hits alot and grabs things and does inappropriate things (like bloodcurdling screams). Maybe his behavior is normal and I am wrong because his peers are mostly fairly subdued boys and somewhat timid girls. My intuition says that is not it.I am hesitant to put a label on him. Can we get private therapy without a label?
This post is actually about bedtime. I am posting here because the other boards just don't 'click' with us sometimes. It has never been easy to get him to go sleep. Even as a baby, I would nurse him for so long and so carefully put him down and he would sleep for about 20 minutes. Repeat for hours until I just went to bed with him. He almost never napped. He is always so tired! Now at 4, he needs naps still, but has given them up for about 2 years now. If I time the day just right and end up in the car at about 2 or 3, he will nap in the car. And anyways, nap or no nap, he is just so tired at about 5 onward that he is like a crazy person-smashing in to walls, slamming his sister, can't eat much dinner (I think he knows that a full belly will make him tired), screaming, and literally flopping on the floor and in the bed. I try to get dinner out early (like 5-6, 4 is just too early), and then bath, snack, teeth, calm music, books, story telling, singing, etc, etc. But most nights, it seems that he is just rolling and flopping in bed and twitching his legs and stuffing his hand in his mouth and flipping over his pillow constantly (he says it is too hot-where we live it is almost never hot) and waking/keeping up his sister who is trying to nurse to sleep beside him and then she eggs him on and they start to giggle and wrestle.:
I thought I was going to be one of those parents who let their child decide on bedtime and not 'force' sleep, and I would, if my child was not literally climbing the walls and ripping down plants and wallpaper (it was ugly anyway). He needs more sleep! i feel I have tried everything-sometimes a swing helps (except that now we need two-dd throws a fit if he gets in it and she can't-not very relaxing for anyone). In my less than shining moments I have even turned off every light in the house or laid on top of him (which actually helped, making me think that a weighted blanket may be helpful, although he screamed and struggled ofr about 20 seconds before he abruptly fell asleep). I have spent so many countless hours trying to get him to sleep. Countless times wishing I could get paragoric (sp?) that my grandma swore by (just kidding, sort of).
Part of the problem could be me feeling rushed (deperate) to get some me time after yet another day with a very high needs kid. It doesn't help that dh is just getting ready to go to work at that time and ds is very senstive to energies.
I don't really feel like his 'issues' are a discipline issue as my dh tends to think. i really feel like he can't help it (although that does not mean I ignore the issue-just that punishing him is not going to help him control himself in the future, YK?).
Any thoughts, anyone? I have had such a hard four years with this intense, brilliant, surprising, vibrant, creative, resourceful, particular child.
Thanks for listening.

[logan&jordansmommy]

I didn't want to read an not respond. I am sorry you are going through this. I think you are right that there is more going on than just a discipline issue.

Well, you shouldn't need a dx for private therapy if you don't mind paying out of pocket. I know some people have insurance that will pay if you have a dx (I don't think ours will but some do). We get therapy through the state without a dx until 6 then at that time you need one.

It does sound like maybe some OT would help. Maybe he needs more sensory input during the day to help him sleep better at night. Just the fact that he fell asleep when you laid on him makes it likely that he craves deep pressure. And yes, lots of us here understand the desperate measures you will go to to get your child to get some sleep.

Oh and I had to laugh at that paragoric! My parents used that with us too when we were sick. They would say "if it doesn't kill you it will cure you" I can still remember that awful taste!

I wish I could give you more advice. I would look into getting some sort of eval for therapy if you are up for it (not necessarily a dx if you don't want but some OT maybe?).

[sbgrace]

You can get private therapy for your son if you are willing to pay for it 100%. Some places you would still need a drs. prescription (it depends on the place) In some places insurance pays for therapy with an autism spectrum dx.--in Indiana where we live it is the law; hence the dx. for my son. Actually, we wanted to know whether or not he was spectrum because some of our therapies are specifically geared toward that. So yes you can get therapy without a dx.

Sleep. I'd certainly look into a weighted blanket for him. He probably has a rotten time settling. My son does too (he also craves that pressure interestingly). Melatonin in very small doses (.25 of a mg.) has been a miracle for my son. Instead of hours he falls asleep in minutes. His drs. are all on board and very comfortable with using it so that is reassuring. If you are open to that thought I recommend trying it. My son has an early bedtime now that he is done with naps. Both of them do. I don't mind having a bedtime and on those days where one would like to stay up later but is clearly tired I still feel like a good parent sticking with their bedtime as I know their bodies need the rest!

[littlehawksmom]

thanks for the responses. I have thought about therapy for him, and there is a good play therapist near here. It is so hard to get him dressed and out of the house that the thought of adding another outing is daunting. But maybe I should reconsider.
The weighted blanket. Do they sleep under it? my ds will not sleep with any blankets, but might agree to just use it once in a while. I try to 'squish' him with pillows (a kid sandwich) and he kind of likes that.
Tonight was easier! Thank goodness. But I fell asleep too and that alsways helps them go to sleep. So much for housework. I did try to do extra sensory stuff today (I always do some, every day, but today was extra-park, swings, merrygoround, a huge mud puddle in the yard, playdough, swing at home. Of course, the day I posted, we had gone to the lake that day and went swimming and got covered in sand, etc, so who knows? Also, he ate his dinner, which really helps. And got some quality time with daddy, which helps more than dh realizes.
I feel like I am always trying to figure out what wokrs and engineer the day just so. It does feel like I am trying too hard and it shouldn't be this hard, but then something seems to work and I just need to go with it.
Ah well, back to bed for me.We'll just keep on keeping on, eh?
THanks again.

[wendy1221]

I'm not sure I would go the play therapy route. Your ds sounds like my kids who range from Asperger's Syndrome to Sensory Processing Disorder, or whatever they're calling it these days. All or most of your son's difficulties could be from sensory issues. I would see if your ped or family doctor can give you a referral to a good Occupational Therapist (OT.)

[MindfulBirth]

Sorry you are having such struggles. As a previous poster mentioned...have you considered melatonin? It is a natural substance and has helped my daughter immensely. She used to take hours to fall asleep and would wake up every half hour throughout the night, every night. Because she wasn't sleeping well, she had behavior problems and she would be so tired that she had more problems falling asleep and it just snowballed. We now give her 3ml of melatonin about an hour before bedtime and she goes to sleep easily and stays asleep. Her behaviour has vastly improved. My dd is nearly 5 yrs old and weighs 44 lbs if that gives you an idea as far as dosage.

[littlehawksmom]

Thanks for the melatonin advice. I'll hacve to do some research.