***Pregnancy After Loss (PAL) *Weekly Chat wk of 7/30-8/5*** - Page 2

[Charmie981]

Well, I'm not sure if I belong here anymore . I had my sonogram today. By LMP, I'm 7 weeks. By my best guess at O, I'm 6 weeks. By sonogram, I'm 4.5 weeks. : The doctor really seems to think that I may have just found out I was pregnant at like 4DPO (because my hcg was only 12 when I went in after my BFP), but I'm not so sure that's possible. Everyone's making me feel terrible for having a bad attitude and I think the doctor even used the word "paranoid" but c'mon....I've done this before. If there was a baby in there, we'd be seeing it by now.

AND, it turns out I have this crazy clotting disorder thing that causes the miscarriages and the meds for it are way beyond expensive (like $1000.00/month) so I have to use medicaid to pay for it. I was okay with our financial and insurance status planning a homebirth, but it seems really unethical to PLAN to get pregnant knowing that I'm going to cost my fellow citizens at least $10,000 in meds alone, not even counting fees for u/s and perinatologists and such. I really hate being poor. I want another child...I feel in my heart that we're not done, but everything in my brain says we can't afford it and here's yet another thing to prove that to me...

DH and I need to talk, but I think I'm done now. I think I'll just use my medicaid to get my tubes tied if this is another miscarriage. I just can't do this "high risk" thing on purpose. Maybe, MAYBE if I had insurance, but not without it...

[famille_huggins]

Charlotte -- I am so, so sorry. Are they planning to wait and check you again? Please keep us updated...

(You know, personally, as a taxpayer, I have no problem with all of our families' tax dollars going to support a lovely mommy who longs for and will care for a sweet, beautiful baby. There are far worse things our tax dollars go to. An amazing baby who's loved, cherished, and cared for at home is a beautiful use of that money.)

[jillybeans]

oh charlotte honey, I'm so so sorry. :

[Charmie981]

I got my beta results back yesterday and they were 7,000, which means I've been doubling every 2.09 days since my last beta. I'll have another draw on Friday, then a sonogram on Wednesday. The doctor really thinks that I just found out a few days after conception and the nurse said the numbers are very promising. I'll admit, they were much better than I'd anticipated them being...

I'm trying to work through this and get to the point where I can actually feel like I'm going to have a baby, because I need to decide what I'm going to do regarding this gene mutation they found and the fact that they want me on the blood thinners for my whole pregnancy. The reading I'm doing says that the blood thinners are probably way overkill for a genetic mutation that 44% of the population has. I don't WANT to buy into a false risk, but I don't want to choose something that would be detrimental to me or baby either, ya know? I can't decide on my own and plan to get some second opinions, but I need to get through the first trimester first, I guess. And that means I'll stay on the lovenox at least until that point.

[jillybeans]

the betas are good news! And I think you'll find the right solution for this. And you'll have a perfectly healthy little baby in march, and everything will be so worth it. Lots of prayers for you!

[lawyermom]

Charlotte, I'm in Canada, so you won't be spending MY money, but I don't think you should worry about that part. Maybe it's cause I'm used to the idea of paying for other's medical care - I know some of my tax dollars go to pay for cancer treatment for smokers. Some go to emergency care for reckless drivers. Some go to a lot worse things than that. If you want a little baby, and they can help you, and medicaid can pay for it - well, I think you should go for it. Another wanted child is a gift to your society.

[gretasmommy]

The betas are great news!!!! Maybe you are somehow miraculously "off" in dates, or even O'd twice . . .. . hang in there!

AS for the meds, I (as a taxpayer) have NO PROBLEM with supporting your pregnancy! IF you don;t mind my asking, what type of gene mutation do you have? It sounds an awful lot like mine (MTHFR mutation, fairly common to have one copy much less to be a homozygote like me. ). I am taking Fragmin (heparin injections) daily, and am on a bunch of other things . . . happy to talk with you if you'd like!

Take care. Good luck with the next sono!!!!

[Megan73]

limbo...

Congrats on the betas, Charlotte!
Are other people freaking about a lack of pregnancy symptoms?
Last time, I had really sore boobs –*like I couldn't stand to have water from the shower touching them.
This time, they're sore because I keep poking them to see if they're sore! I'm actually hoping for MS because I didn't last time and it would be proof there's really a baby in there other than the 4 (!) positive HPTs I've collected. I'm a certifiable POAS addict.
Would it be freaky to ask for a scrip for an early ultrasound at my first MW app't Aug. 14. Would you be able to see anything at six weeks after my last period?

[~Katrinka~]

I just got back from a week at the beach and wanted to check in on you all. I'm sorry some of you are having a rough week. to everyone. Charlotte, you get an extra . I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you...oh, and you are more than welcome to my portion of any tax dollars. SPread out between millions of people, your meds are a teeny tiny drop in the bucket. We all use everyone's tax dollars every day, don't give that another thought.

Now, as for me..
Because of you loss(es), do you find yourself more involved or less involved (more ambivelent) about this pregnancy?
Oh boy. Ambivilent doesn't even begin to describe it. Mostly I feel like I'm just waiting for the day I find out this baby is dead, too. And then sometimes -- this is so awful to admit -- I feel like I may be pregnant, but it's the "wrong" baby. Then I feel awful for feeling that way. I don't know if taking more time to get used to the idea will help, or if I start feeling the baby move. Notice I said "if", because I can't bring myself to use the word "when" when thinking about this pregnancy.

How has your loss affected how you treat this pregnancy, with regard to planning, telling others, etc.?
We haven't told anyone except my grief counselor. I don't have the emotional strength to deal with other people's reactions right now. And I have no idea what to tell the kids and when to tell them. They were heartbroken when their baby sister died.

What are some ideas you have for celebrating or attaching to this pregnancy -- if that's feeling like a struggle?
It is feeling like a struggle. But I don't have any ideas, just yet

[famille_huggins]

Everyone -- Thanks so much for all your replies. I really appreciate knowing I'm not alone in my fear of connecting to this pregnancy. I know I should be celebrating certain landmarks, but instead I am finding many of them to be overshadowed by landmarks of grief.

James' family is visiting and we told them out of necessity that we are expecting again. (They kept wanting me to do extremely physical things, like lifting his grandma off the toilet.) His cousin was way excited for us, but his dad and grandma were like, "So?" I guess I understand. This is our fourth pregnancy in a year and a half. This is our fifth pregnancy all told, and we have one living biological child. I guess I can't blame them for the "believe it when I see it" attitude, but I guess I just thought I was the only one entitled to that attitude. :

I did go to my first baby shower since Zachary's death today. OMG, it was miserable. I am so happy for my friend, but so miserable for myself. How selfish, I know, but it was agony to be among those pretending like nothing ever happened, among those who would glance at what they thought was my still swollen belly (but actually newly swelling belly) and then look away. And then, we were offering little thoughts and blessings to our friend (we each had these beads, and we would offer a thought, and then string the bead onto a bracelet for her), I completely lost it and was a blubbering mess. How embarrassing, but even at that, only my pregnant friend offered any condolences later -- not any of the other women from our shared small group. So, I went to the shower reluctantly and afraid, but left there embarrassed and angry.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. You ladies are fantastic. I wish we didn't share this bond. I wish we all had our babies, but I appreciate you all being so willing to share your hope and your struggles on these new ventures. I'm looking forward to days for all of us when the celebrations are at least balanced with the reluctance or grief. Praying for sticky, healthy babies all around...

[~Katrinka~]

Amanda, you are a strong woman to have gone to that baby shower. I would have chickened out. In fact, I chickened out of a barbeque tonight because I would have had to see my very pregnant SIL and I just can't bear to see her.
I am so, so sorry that the shower was so hard on you. My heart aches just thinking of you being there and almost no one reaching out to comfort you.
I don't understand why anyone thinks it's better not to say anything. I just spent a week at the beach with my in-laws, and guess what, no one said one word about the baby we lost. Not even when I burst into tears at my DH"s birthday party and had to go sob upstairs (because everyone kept talking about all the August and September birthdays we have in the family, and all I could think of was my little girl who won't ever have her birthday).
ANd as for your in-laws, ARGH. Shame on them for not being more supportive.

[Megan73]

Amanda,

I'm so sorry about your in-laws and the folks at the showers.
I'm SO past making excuses for people. There's just no excuse for behaviour like that!
Be well – you were brave to go to the shower.

[Charmie981]

Originally Posted by famille_huggins

So, I went to the shower reluctantly and afraid, but left there embarrassed and angry.

I'm sorry that you left feeling that way. I am amazed at how hard baby showers are for so many of us, and also at how oblivious everyone else seems to be! I'm sorry you didn't get any consolation or empathy.

And shame on your ILs! C'mon....a GRANDBABY is something to be excited about!! I hope you have a better week than you did weekend. You deserve some relaxation and happiness.