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Divorce/break-up lessons learned - Page 2

post #21 of 54
any more? these are all very comforting.....
post #22 of 54
I love these.
post #23 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyn_S View Post
When you find yourself grieving for your relationship and come to that place where you have doubts about if you should have left and start remembering all the "good times" and question if there really were more good than bad... ALWAYS remind yourself to SNAP OUT OF IT, this is all about grieving the person you "dreamed" he would be in your relationship, not the person you left. You left for a reason and were so strong just in that act alone, do not EVER lose sight of that.
Wow, I LOVE that one.

But seriously there's a ton of good stuff here. Very inspirational.

One big lesson for me is how much support I really have, that I so appreciate, and that I never quite realized was there. I am not a person who ever really asks for help. But in the last year I've had to ask a lot, and without exception everyone I have asked for anything has been lovely. So that's really the silver lining.

I've also learned that I was seriously kidding myself when I thought that the our screwed up relationship and tense home environment was not having a big impact on the kids. My DD in particular has made some really eye-opening comments in recent months.
post #24 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by hippiemum21580 View Post
It is okay to cry. hard . and alot. as long as when you are done you get back up and remember to laugh. Your kids can always help you laugh.
Don't call your ex unless absolutly necessary. Not when the wound is still fresh on your heart at least.
Your children will bounce back stronger than you imagined. And so will you.
Don't allow the term "broken family" in your vocabulary. Look at the potential instead.
You are capable of doing all those things you once relied on your mate for, like fixing doors and unclogging toilets and disciplining angry little boys.
It IS possible to raise respectable men even if you are a single mom. You don't have to have a penis to raise boys.

:

I *just* called my X last night for an angry son episode. It sucked, and he didn't even care enough to call back when ds hung up.

I also can't count the number of things I've fixed since he's been gone.
post #25 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyn_S View Post
When you find yourself grieving for your relationship and come to that place where you have doubts about if you should have left and start remembering all the "good times" and question if there really were more good than bad... ALWAYS remind yourself to SNAP OUT OF IT, this is all about grieving the person you "dreamed" he would be in your relationship, not the person you left. You left for a reason and were so strong just in that act alone, do not EVER lose sight of that.

~Cynthia
I definitely need to hear this
post #26 of 54
This is some great advice that I needed to hear today. I really needed this. Thanks ladies!
post #27 of 54
I've learned that God obviously has a sense of humor.
post #28 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by NolaRiordan View Post
I've also learned that I was seriously kidding myself when I thought that the our screwed up relationship and tense home environment was not having a big impact on the kids. My DD in particular has made some really eye-opening comments in recent months.
Interesting. Though less so now, I struggled with this for quite a while.

I learned...

Do NOT ignore your nagging doubts. If that little voice is saying you ought to break off the engagement. DO IT.

Once you realize - truly know - that you cannot trust someone, cut your losses then.

If he says he doesn't want to care for children, believe him

That it's a HUGE relief to get out of an awful relationship. As hard as all the legal/emotional/logistical stuff is, it pales in comparison to the weight lifted when you get out of the toxic mess.
post #29 of 54
Oh ... so many things.

*It is not your responsibility to make sure your ex sees your children and is a part of their lives. It is his responsibility. Trying, pleading, etc. to get him to see them and be a father will only make you more sad if he is not interested. It's heartbreaking, but if he doesn't show any interest then just move on.

*DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! You'll think "oh, I won't need to," or "this isn't important." It is. Get a datebook and start writing. It sounds harsh, and you might end up not needing it, but better to have it and not need it than to wish you did.

*Get all the information. Even if you weren't married and don't have joint accounts, get every bit of info on everything of his that you can.

I know I sound harsh, but you aren't just looking out for yourself. You've got kids to take care of and if he won't, you have to.
post #30 of 54
The best thing I did for myself is to record everything. No matter how small and trival it seems.

I love my journal. It really helps me when I am crying for the man I think I am missing out on. I will be having a really bad day and then I will open up my journal to about a month before I ask EX to move out. It all comes back to me and the tears dry up and generally I can get up and move on with my day pretty soon after reading several entries.

I just wanted to add that another piece of advice that I found very helpful was already added to this thread... It was to KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED I have had a problem with it... till the past 2 1/2 weeks. it helps I promise.
carla
post #31 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachymomma View Post

I just wanted to add that another piece of advice that I found very helpful was already added to this thread... It was to KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED I have had a problem with it... till the past 2 1/2 weeks. it helps I promise.
carla
Me too. I stopped in Jan trying to feel better with him with sex. I finally was over the craziness because I was still so involved emotionally sex-wise and he wasn't. I just ended up feeling like shit everytime we were together.
post #32 of 54
I learned that when it is over let go. Don't keep allowing the person access to your life. Extended conversations are a . When you know the situation is toxic, let it go and don't be willing to hear the "reasoning" of the other person. They will say anything to keep you in a rut with them. Let it go then, so you don't have regrets later saying I wish I would have let go when __________ (fill in the blank).
post #33 of 54
ooooh, these are so good.

I don't have much to add, 'cept I learned how GOOD it feels to realize how strong and capable you are when you leave. These past two years have been stressful and hard, but I did it! And with a stupid grin on my face because I didn't need him, it was better without him! There's lots of crying and second guessing, but in between that there is this euphoric feeling of that bad-relationship-weight lifting.

Oh wait, I've got another one: I learned that I am super-mom after all, just the way I am. I'm all they need , and anything he ends up doing for them is a bonus, because I really can do it all. Or at least, that's what my kids think.

And yeah, kids really are resilient. They get through that break-up amazingly well.

and most importantly: It's not harder or worse for you or the kids to go it alone than it is to stay in a bad relationship. It's the other way around.
post #34 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by MariesMama View Post

*It is not your responsibility to make sure your ex sees your children and is a part of their lives. It is his responsibility.

you must be aware of my situation. LOL
post #35 of 54
oh good, I'm so glad you guys liked this...I had read all of the posts on the first few pages so just randomly went back to page 100 to see what was on there...some of the before my time stuff...and found this.

One to add:

treat communication w/ the ex like a business deal. Emotionless and matter of fact.
post #36 of 54
thanks mamas, for this good advice!
post #37 of 54
This is a great thread. I have learned that I able to make my own world and life without stxdh. I have also learned that my ds is happier without my stxdh around all the time. I have learned that I can be a great teacher, mom, friiend, duaghter and granddaugher without having to ask DH for permission. I better off without stxdh controlling my whole life. Without him I have a life and living with him I had no life.

Jay
post #38 of 54
thankyou, thankyou, for these
post #39 of 54
subbing. . .
post #40 of 54
This may be obvious to you all but it was shocking to me (Duh!) The divorce being final does NOT mean that life goes merrily along as I'd so hoped. We've had wayyyyy more hostility and nastiness since.

I had no idea how much I would be affected by the *other woman*. Not because I want my ex back, oh no!, but that she's spending oodles of time with my children! I'm a bit territorial about my kids as it turns out.

Being single again is a learning process. I'm having to re-learn how to date and relate to men. I'm also having to learn how to take care of all the nitty gritty stuff that my ex used to take care of (eg. How do I start a power mower???)

But, when all is said and done, I would do it again, without thinking twice. I'm not having the life sucked out of me. I have happiness that did not exist two years ago. And peace.
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