When PAL, how do you respond to "Is this your first baby?"

[tree-hugger]

My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks. Now I'm 16 weeks with pg #2. I keep getting asked "Is this your first baby?" I get this question in all kinds of places like yoga class and at work.

How do other people deal with this question? Is there a proper social etiquette on how to answer? Do you just pretend that pg #1 never happened?

TIA

[matey]

Most of time I say "I had a miscarriage in November" I have a friend who says, after having three m/c, "This will be the first one we get to keep" or This is the first baby we get to hold."

I dont like pretending the first baby did not exist, it did, and losing the baby was the hardest thing I have ever been through. But, that said, I dont say that to Everyone. For instance, the janitor at the school I teach at. He is so nice, but very hard of hearing, and half the time he doesnt really know what I am saying. I told him I was pregnant twice before he understood. I dont think he needs to know. I can just imagine me yelling it to him, and him still not understanding.

All in all, you need to do what is comfortable for you. That was your baby and your loss, so if you keep it quiet or share needs to be the best decision for you. s

[tree-hugger]

Thanks Matey! What you describe is pretty much what my inclination is, but miscarriage is so not discussed in our society, that I was afraid that it was some kind of faux paux to mention it, and so your response is really helpful.

[AngelaB]

My mc was not my first but people do ask how many kids I have and I most always mention the lost one because right after it happened it struck me that no one ever talks about it and what if someone has had a mc and wants to talk, like me, but dont know how or have never heard it mentioned and think its taboo.

I have had many good convos with ladies who seemed releived and happy to talk to someone who knew how they felt which is the same way I felt when I was comforted by 3 different women on the day it happened and one lady had had 3 mc. I was so glad they told me about their experiences and I could tell that they felt a sense of well being after getting it off their chests. I had to grieve first though before I would talk about it with people other than family.

Angela

I also think of that baby as a baby. Babe was just for me to dream about but it was real to me all the same so I think I deserve to own that time in my life before the mc when I was blissfully happy about having anouther baby.

[carmelnap]

While I have never personally experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. My friend lost her first child a week before his due date. So when she got pregnant again and people would ask if it was her first, she would explain that she had a child already but that they did not get to keep him. She does not like to pretend that he never exsisted, which is only right because she carried him for nine months.

[matey]

AngelaB brings up a great point. Although I have not had it happen, just talking about it could bring great comfort to someone else who has gone through the same thing. One woman I knew had a miscarriage and all through my grieving she never told me. It didnt come out until months later, and after she told me I went to my office and cried. Here was a woman who could have comforted me, who could have made me feel like I wasnt alone, but instead she kept it a secret! It was so upsetting for me. I know maybe the social concerns made her think it had to be a secret, so I understood, but it still hurt!

[klg47]

Originally Posted by tree-hugger

but miscarriage is so not discussed in our society, that I was afraid that it was some kind of faux paux to mention it

Even if it is that way now, I hope we can all make a difference for the future. It should NOT be a faux pas - it just isn't fair to the moms who have to go through it to bear the burden of keeping it secret and hidden.