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Bi-parents Aug. 07

post #1 of 141
Thread Starter 
Howdy all! I thought we could start monthly threads to make life easier.
post #2 of 141
I'm happy to be back!! I'll be checking in again later....
post #3 of 141
OK thanks to encouragement from another member I am feeling bolder and I'm gonna stick my neck out and ask...

Several have said that you feel like you'd never be with another man if your dh left, but I am wondering, is there anyone who is with a man but thinking it's maybe not the greatest idea? I have gone back and forth on this since we got together 9 years ago and as I sneak up on the end of my 20s I am starting to fear that marriage may be wrecking the best friendship I've ever had, iykwim. : I keep trying to put this issue to bed but it won't leave me alone.

: Anyone relate?
post #4 of 141
Hi everyone!

Yep, I can relate, BSD. I go back and forth all the time, not knowing what to do. I worry about losing what I DO have, but I also wonder if it is enough. I wonder if I can get over never being with a woman. Sometimes I am happy, other times I just wish I could try with a woman. I wish I could find an easy answer.
post #5 of 141
Greetings August ladies (pun definately intended)

BSD, I often feel
Quote:
it's maybe not the greatest idea. I have gone back and forth on this since we got together 9 years ago and as I sneak up on the end of my 20s I am starting to fear that marriage may be wrecking the best friendship I've ever had, iykwim. I keep trying to put this issue to bed but it won't leave me alone.
the only difference is we've only been together 5.5 years

I really love this guy. I just dont feel excited about making love with a man; I can enjoy it, but it just doesnt do it for me. All the time, I feel like I'm repressing some great part of me.
Its a constant battle in my mind: "leave him, stay with him"
Doesnt look like I'll be putting the issue to bed anytime soon; I cant even get my daughter to go to bed!
post #6 of 141
I can very much relate.

More now than ever, I am wondering if I am in the wrong place. My husband is a great father, and a good husband but we have very little sex. He knows that I am attracted to women and would like to explore that one day. But I am feeling like maybe we should spilt and I can really explore, you know? I don't want to hurt him....but I also don't want to limit myself. So I'm married to a man. Does that mean I never get to experience a relationship with a woman? I don't think I'm okay with that.

Then again I don't want to hurt someone with my exploring either. Typical mother, thinking of everyone else's feelings instead of her own.

I am thoroughly confused. But I am glad this thread exists.
post #7 of 141
I'm honestly kind of surprised how many people are in the same situation. It doesn't seem like it would be as common but it makes sense that it is, I suppose. It's a difficult position to be in, that's for sure. I've recently gotten to the point where something has to change, where I am realizing it's not just going to go away with time.
post #8 of 141
I got to the point where something has to change about 2 years ago.
I had an affair with a woman that didnt work out.
I convinced DH that I should have a GF, it didnt work out.
DH and I very nearly split up, I nearly lost my DD. Its a very long and complicated situation for me, but for now I'm staying with DH, (even if I sometimes feel like a martyr).
I've got time, and for now, keeping my DD safe and having parental stability in my life is a higher priority than sexual fulfillment. (but its still on my mind : )
post #9 of 141
man, I just re-read my post and it sounds so depressing.
I didnt mean it that way. :
post #10 of 141
It didn't sound depressing.

DH and I have vaguely talked about me having something on the side at some point. But honestly, I think it would really hurt him. And what if I fell in love with someone else and wanted to leave? What a tangled web we weave...

At some point though, I'm going to meet someone and we will have to cross that bridge then.
post #11 of 141
I can completely relate to those feelings of wondering if being with a man is really the right thing. My DH is my best friend and I love him like no other. He is an amazing father, and a husband I wish every spouse in the world would be like. I am truly lucky to have him and I could never imagine my life without him in it. But when it comes to the bedroom, I really wonder why I am there. DH knows I have a stronger leaning towards women, and is accepting of me having a relationship with a woman.
I though am not so sure about that. He has no desire to be with anyone else, and doesn't want to deny me of fulfilling every aspect of my sexuality. I am fine with other people being in open relationships, but for some reason the idea of ME being in one sounds odd. Maybe because I don't see myself going out there and hitting the dating scene or something. So I sit back and just say 'what happens happens' and talk constantly with DH about how both of our feelings are.
post #12 of 141
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by *daciaperfect* View Post
I am fine with other people being in open relationships, but for some reason the idea of ME being in one sounds odd. Maybe because I don't see myself going out there and hitting the dating scene or something. So I sit back and just say 'what happens happens' and talk constantly with DH about how both of our feelings are.
I can't really add to it because that's exactly describes my view on it.
post #13 of 141
I don't do poly. Tried it and the scene made me crazy. Sorry, no offense to those for whom it works great. It just was not for me. I think if anything changes it's going to be that dh and I become just "platonic" partners/coparents. It seems like each year that goes by I get less interested in heterosexuality, period.
post #14 of 141
I am very happy with my sexual relationship with dh, and our marriage as a whole. We are a great team on every level thankfully!!! I thank the universe every day for what we have. Honestly I don't think I could live without sex with men....nor could I live without sex with women. Oh... I know I could...I've lived without either/or at several times in my life but it would be a toughy. Especially now that I'm finally in a relationship where I feel secure to be fully satisfied on a sexual level...it would be hard to go back.

I currently have a regular male lover. He's a beautiful and fun human. We enjoy our time together so much! His wife (who is straight) and kids are also wonderful and we all get together as families from time to time. Dh and I have a developing triad with a simply wonderful woman. It's very exciting! My last girlfriend is pregnant and has no sex drive whatsoever so we agreed that we'd just loose that part of our relationship for awhile. I've been missing the sex frankly. It's such a huge thing for me.

Sometimes I feel weird admitting that. I have more energy, drive and I'm just all over a happier and nicer person to be around if my sex life is full. I have so many friends for whom sex just isn't that important....makes me feel like such a horn-dog Like its somehow bad to value sex so much. I don't know...just pondering and rambling.....
post #15 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
It seems like each year that goes by I get less interested in heterosexuality, period.
I hear that.

Maybe this isnt relevent to anything, but it has had me thinking lately...
a friend of mine and I were out of town last weekend representing the org. we both work for at a Pride festival about 2 hours from us. We were talking about how we seem like the odd balls in the org. I am 15 years younger or more than anyone else in it, and same with the guy who was with me. So we talked about how the 2 of us had a lot to do to help bring in the ideas of the younger LGBT community (we are in our 20's). He was talking about how he sort of felt odd in the group, and I told him how I felt like the fraud. Bi's seem to have this terrible reputation: in the hetero side, we are the sluts : , in the LGBT side, we cant make up our mind : And even worse, I am Bi, AND married with a child. Just slap a scarlet letter on me now.
He then says, 'No Darlene, you are my lesbian friend who is in a hetero relationship.'

For some reason this has really stuck with me. Is he seeing something in me that I havent figured out for myself yet? I have struggled a lot with trying to figure out for myself where I stand on orientation. Its not like it matters, it all ebbs and flows. I guess its just me trying to make sense of myself.

Ok, I'm done rambling....back to your normal programing.
post #16 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
I think if anything changes it's going to be that dh and I become just "platonic" partners/coparents. It seems like each year that goes by I get less interested in heterosexuality, period.
I'm totally there!

Quote:
Originally Posted by *daciaperfect* View Post
I can completely relate to those feelings of wondering if being with a man is really the right thing. My DH is my best friend and I love him like no other. He is an amazing father, and a husband I wish every spouse in the world would be like. I am truly lucky to have him and I could never imagine my life without him in it. But when it comes to the bedroom, I really wonder why I am there. DH knows I have a stronger leaning towards women, and is accepting of me having a relationship with a woman.
I though am not so sure about that. He has no desire to be with anyone else, and doesn't want to deny me of fulfilling every aspect of my sexuality. I am fine with other people being in open relationships, but for some reason the idea of ME being in one sounds odd. Maybe because I don't see myself going out there and hitting the dating scene or something. So I sit back and just say 'what happens happens' and talk constantly with DH about how both of our feelings are.
and you totally stole my post with this one

man, I'm just so amazed to find other mamas in the same situation as me
post #17 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post
man, I'm just so amazed to find other mamas in the same situation as me
: ditto!
post #18 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by *daciaperfect* View Post
For some reason this has really stuck with me. Is he seeing something in me that I havent figured out for myself yet? I have struggled a lot with trying to figure out for myself where I stand on orientation. Its not like it matters, it all ebbs and flows. I guess its just me trying to make sense of myself.
I can relate to this. I'm pretty darn sure that I know who I am in this regards, but sometimes I get a little paranoid that maybe I'm wrong. Sometimes the feelings are so strong for females (mostly just in general) that it makes me wonder a bit. I do know that I love DP very much, regardless, but I think mostly it's because I'm feeling very imbalanced. When I *was* in a poly situation with a person from both genders, it all felt pretty right to me (well, except the fact that the people I was with at the time weren't right for me... but it felt GREAT to have a relationship with both at once... definitely confirmed to me that I am poly, as well). Though it definitely ebbs and flows quite a bit. In any case, I inditify with "queer", not meaning gay... just queer. I don't know if I could explain that to anyone that doesn't understand what I mean, but it's just the way I feel.
However, if anything were ever to happen to my relationship now (knock on wood, not that I'm expecting it to end, not at all), I doubt I'd end up in another mono relationship with a man.

Arrghh... I still get the feeling that I'm not explaining myself very well. That always frustrates me.
post #19 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by bjorker View Post
In any case, I inditify with "queer", not meaning gay... just queer. I don't know if I could explain that to anyone that doesn't understand what I mean, but it's just the way I feel.
I hear that. I think "queer" is a great wat to describe many types of sexual orientation in the community.

How's this:
"In contemporary usage, some use queer as an inclusive, unifying sociopolitical umbrella term for people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, transsexual, intersexual, genderqueer, or of any other non-heterosexual sexuality, sexual anatomy, or gender identity. It can also include asexual and autosexual people, as well as gender normative heterosexuals whose sexual orientations or activities place them outside the heterosexual-defined mainstream (e.g. BDSM practitioners, or polyamorous persons). Queer in this sense (depending on how broadly it is defined) is commonly used as a synonym for such terms as LGBT.

Because of the context in which it was reclaimed, queer has sociopolitical connotations, and is often preferred by those who are activists, by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities, by those who reject distinct sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight, and by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the larger culture. In this usage it retains the historical connotation of "outside the bounds of normal society" and can be construed as "breaking the rules for sex and gender." It can be preferred because of its ambiguity, which allows "queer" identifying people to avoid the sometimes strict boundaries that surround other labels. In this context "queer" is not a synonym for LGBT as it creates a space for "queer" heterosexuals and "non-queer" (straight-acting, conformist) homosexuals."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer

I figure that rather accurately describes it. Anyways, I've come out as a dyke. (I don't really care for the term "lesbian"... but I have used "gay" or "queer".) I had my ds in my last long term hetero relationship, and since found out that I'm really not happy with men at all. Even if I'm physically satisfied, I feel... err... "empty". The same attraction is just not there. Right now I'm dating a lovely bi womyn who's helping me confirm that I'm much more satified with members of my own gender.

Sorry if this is OT...?
post #20 of 141
Hi all! I agree it's pretty stunning to find so many women with whom I can discuss this! I probably already said that once or twice, but still.

Well we've been talking a lot this week. There have been times in the past 9 years together where we have agreed to live as friends/platonic partners (pre-dd) and looking back we realize that those were some of the best times in our life together. We didn't fight, we had more fun together, felt more confident, were more involved with hobbies, etc. And I had a long talk with a trusted mentor about it and how much stress it puts on me trying to be a wife, with all that entails--even though our relationship is as close to 50-50 equal as any I have ever seen. But it stresses me out, ESPECIALLY the physical part, you know? Really stresses me out. Used to be ok but I can't do it anymore--even when we were TTC I had to force myself. And how when I let myself think "ok maybe you're not really bi, maybe you're just fully lesbian" it's like an elephant is lifted off my chest. The older I get the more I creep up the Kinsey scale, not just as far as sex either. I just want to be around women.

We have decided to work out something different. We had been arguing CONSTANTLY, over stupid things, and starting to just really not like each other. It was not good for dd to have us frustrated and stressed all the time, she is sensitive and I could tell it made her sad. Something has to give.

So we're talking a lot and have pretty much agreed the romantic part of our relationship is over and we're both totally OK with that. Eventually, maybe several years from now, maybe just months, we'll both date other women. Heh. But that we work wonderfully as coparents and emotional support for each other and do not want to split up DD's home. So, that's what we have got so far. I've been combing the internets for information on alternative parenting arrangments. Most of what I have found has been about gay men and lesbians, but I wouldn't think that an agreeable straightish-bi guy and lesbian would be that far afield.

I am totally : but so relieved.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for thread-stealing. :
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