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Bi-parents Aug. 07 - Page 2

post #21 of 141
Very exciting, BSD! I am glad everything organizing itself nicely for you, in a way that will allow all 3 of you to have happiness and security.
post #22 of 141
That's great BSD. I bet you feel happier already. You're not a thread stealer, that's what this thread is for. We have had this talk as well, and DH understands that I would like a relationship with a woman in the future. He says he isn't interested in dating anyone else. So, we'll see how it all works out when the time comes. Congrats again!
post #23 of 141
wow, BSD!
sounds like you've come to a much clearer place.
I was somewhere eerily similar with my DH, but he wasn't happy with any kind of situation where we will still be co-parenting but not a monogamous couple. so we;re still together.

you're not thread stealing, you're speaking for half the group!

man, it just seems like every post on this thread is a bunch of dittoes for every other post. we finally found other women in similar situations. seems like all of us were feeling alone and freakish (to some degree) and turns out we were neither well, that's how i feel anyway.
post #24 of 141
Thanks everyone. And yes, it's definitely good to know we are not alone!

I'm nervous and excited about this. Kind of feel like I am starting life anew. I'm just afraid of encountering a lot of judgement out in the world about this. I know it doesn't matter what others think, but I don't want to end up feeling alone again. I guess confidence is the thing. I'll just go out and do what I want to do and if I radiate assurance that it's all good, maybe people will pick up on that.
post #25 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
I'll just go out and do what I want to do and if I radiate assurance that it's all good, maybe people will pick up on that.
:
post #26 of 141

Can I join in?

I've never posted on this topic before, actually I'm still working on the bi identity....I was raised strict Catholic, blah blah blah, so it took me awhile to get away from the guilt and all that crap. I'm sure you've all heard this story a million times, I'll spare you the details. Anyway, I've been married to my DH, who I adore, for a year. We've talked about my attraction towards women and we've discussed the possibility of going poly at some point. My problem is....I've never been with a woman so I'm like that nervous kid in highschool who doesn't know what to do : I live in a pretty conservative midwestern town so I wouldn't even know where to start meeting people. Any advice for a newbie?
post #27 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by LCB View Post
My problem is....I've never been with a woman so I'm like that nervous kid in highschool who doesn't know what to do : I live in a pretty conservative midwestern town so I wouldn't even know where to start meeting people. Any advice for a newbie?
No advice. I am in the same boat. Pretty sad for someone who basically identifies as a lesbian happily married to a man. I too am quite nervous, and unsure of what to do.... and in a conservative town. And how DO you bring that up to other people???? "Oh yeah, I am married. Oh? No, he doesn't mind, he is interested in you too." How can this conversation NOT go badly?
post #28 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by dealic View Post
No advice. I am in the same boat. Pretty sad for someone who basically identifies as a lesbian happily married to a man. I too am quite nervous, and unsure of what to do.... and in a conservative town. And how DO you bring that up to other people???? "Oh yeah, I am married. Oh? No, he doesn't mind, he is interested in you too." How can this conversation NOT go badly?
Have you thought about looking for a poly community in your area? Even in conservative areas people still get their freak on, yk? They just might be well hidden due to the local climate.

You were nervous the first time you were with a guy, right? You got through it. Be honest and I'm sure you'll have a great experience. :
post #29 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by dynamicdoula View Post
Have you thought about looking for a poly community in your area? Even in conservative areas people still get their freak on, yk? They just might be well hidden due to the local climate.
Yeah. There isn't one. Our gay community consists in total of a church (MCC, meets in another church's building). Pride is a church picnic. Even our freaks are conservative. :

I had luck in other towns finding poly people by connecting with pagan groups. But we are atheists, so its hard to make connections there now too. (I was pagan at the time).

Quote:
You were nervous the first time you were with a guy, right? You got through it. Be honest and I'm sure you'll have a great experience. :
Yeah, but then, it was new to both of us, so we were on the same footing.
post #30 of 141
Well I tried to come out twice? three times? before this, lol, and at this point I feel like I can give some advice based on what I did wrong! I think it was a mistake for me to be like "ok, I like girls, now, gotta find a date." As exciting as the prospect of finally meeting someone and being intimate and falling in luuuv totally is, it's not the place to start IMHO. When I tried doing it that way, I got overwhelmed and scared and discouraged. And that contributed in some part to my giving up and retreating.

What I should have done, and what I am doing now, is to start by finding the community and getting involved. Next step is making friends, both friends who are strictly platonic and friends who might have the potential to be something more are ok. And just immersing myself in the culture and getting informed about all the pertinent issues both by doing reading and by interacting with people. THEN I think I'll be ready for the next step. But that could be months, years, etc.

It's ridiculously easy for me because I'm in a big gay town and I am going to university. In the space of a week I can get involved with two campus groups, a church GLBT group, a community group, a feminist bookstore, etc. But even if your region is less open and accepting and there are less options, there's a way in. Maybe google your town's name and "GLBT" to see where everyone is.
post #31 of 141
Wow I can't believe I am not totally alone in how I feel about women and married to DH. DH though is very supportive and very accepting. I am so excited to find this board.
post #32 of 141
Yeah, my years at university were wonderful for GLBT stuff. I was an active member and volunteer at the Campus Pride centre, had lots of queer friends, learned tons, and had a blast being open.

If you google my town and GLBT, you get a link to the old gay bar that our mayor closed down to build a parking lot (the second time a local mayor has closed a gay bar for such reasons). And that's it. I have been to pride here twice, have a few queer friends, and know people actively involved in the community... I do know for a FACT that the only organized queer thing here is the church. And I just can't stomach going to church to connect. Its coming out of one closet to jump into another. I can't deal with church nicely, so I can't go.

I do agree though, about jumping right in versus just wading in and making friends and stuff. I did that, and I think it was best.
post #33 of 141
Lol, Dealic, I love your example conversation....Oh, no, he's totally into you too! I can see that going over really well. That's part of the reason that I have never done anything about this yet because I don't want to feel like I'm out HUNTING people. I hate it when men do that so I can't see how it's any different with women. I would want this to happen naturally but where I live, I'm going to have to seek people out. It's a very fine line. I guess I'll be doing that search on the internet for a local group.
post #34 of 141
I'm finding this thread very thought provoking and making me ponder the nature vs. nurture question regarding sexuality.

Here are the things I've been pondering:
*Is sexual orientation fixed? Are we born the way we are and we never change although our environment may change.
*Is sexual orientation a mixture of both nature and nurture. Do we become what we are based on where we are in our life...does it evolve?
*How does being poly help a bisexual womon feel content, or on the flip side, unsettled. (not suggesting anyone should be poly)

On the lighter side....am I the only one here who likes boys...a lot?
post #35 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by dealic View Post
"Oh yeah, I am married. Oh? No, he doesn't mind, he is interested in you too." How can this conversation NOT go badly?
I LMAO when I read this... but then I thought about it; I've had pretty much that conversation, and it turned out great. well, until DH decided he wasnt into it :/

Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
What I should have done, and what I am doing now, is to start by finding the community and getting involved. Next step is making friends, both friends who are strictly platonic and friends who might have the potential to be something more are ok. And just immersing myself in the culture and getting informed about all the pertinent issues both by doing reading and by interacting with people. THEN I think I'll be ready for the next step. But that could be months, years, etc.
BSD, you're my hero! as usual.

Quote:
Originally Posted by UmmBnB View Post
I'm finding this thread very thought provoking and making me ponder the nature vs. nurture question regarding sexuality.

Here are the things I've been pondering:
*Is sexual orientation fixed? Are we born the way we are and we never change although our environment may change.
*Is sexual orientation a mixture of both nature and nurture. Do we become what we are based on where we are in our life...does it evolve?
*How does being poly help a bisexual womon feel content, or on the flip side, unsettled. (not suggesting anyone should be poly)

On the lighter side....am I the only one here who likes boys...a lot?
Interesting thoughts.
I think,
* fixed, but in a flexible way. as we grow and change, so does every part of us. we might be deeply in love with a person, and as we grow, and change, it ends. we fall deeply in love with another person. why not also with another gender?
* probably
* I think that is such a personal thing, and is totally dependant on whether said woman was poly to begin with. some people are just monogamous by nature, some arent. and again, see my answer to point one.

and you like boys!? eeew! dont you know they have GERMS!
post #36 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post
I really love this guy. I just dont feel excited about making love with a man; I can enjoy it, but it just doesnt do it for me. All the time, I feel like I'm repressing some great part of me.
Its a constant battle in my mind: "leave him, stay with him"
This is me. Except that I don't think about leaving, I just think about what could make us better.

I definitely can enjoy certain aspects of sex, especially when... well.. you really wnt a lil sumthin' and he's able to provide. But I do have moderate to low sex drive usually with him and I feel a bit repressed. Or maybe not repressed, just unfulfilled.

No doubts I love this man, I enjoy him, we make each other laugh, he makes me so cliche (I want to be a better person with him) but something is missing.
post #37 of 141
My thoughts on the nature/nurture debate are for one thing, that I don't feel it matters much or is even something we'll be able to figure out 100%. It's interesting to think about but in the end it is what it is and it's not something most people can or would want to control.

That said, I think there has to be an element that is innate but obviously it's influenced by where you come from and your surroundings. I feel it has to be innate because I have noticed in myself and other women a tendency to become more solid in an orientation as we get towards the 30s--the big "coming into sexuality" age for women, supposedly, I'm not quite there yet. Most of the time I notice straight-leaning bi women becoming more homosexual, but I've also noticed a few gay-leaning bi women become increasingly heterosexual around this stage of life.

IME surges of hormones are like truth serum for attraction too. I can kind of think myself into being attracted to just about anyone, but at stages of my life when hormones take over (pregnancy, ovulation, etc) I'm definitely thinking about women. I've also heard a lot of people who transitioned FTM "change orientation" too when they start testosterone because it makes clearer to them who they are attracted to.

But obviously society plays a role too. Otherwise why would so many of us in this thread who so strongly prefer women be married to men?? I know I spent my teen years taking for granted that having a crush on your best female friend was just some kind of teen girl phase that didn't mean anything, and that if i just looked hard enough eventually I'd find a boy who was acceptable to me. When I did find one, I held on for dear life because I'd had such a hard time finding any guy I was interested in and I knew that I "needed" one to be acceptable in society.

Now I think I am rambling.
post #38 of 141
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by UmmBnB View Post
I'm finding this thread very thought provoking and making me ponder the nature vs. nurture question regarding sexuality.

Here are the things I've been pondering:
*Is sexual orientation fixed? Are we born the way we are and we never change although our environment may change.
*Is sexual orientation a mixture of both nature and nurture. Do we become what we are based on where we are in our life...does it evolve?
*How does being poly help a bisexual womon feel content, or on the flip side, unsettled. (not suggesting anyone should be poly)
*From my limited experience, I'd say yes. So to me the question is do we know who we really are? Some of us may be more accepting of the true answer than others.
*Kinda. I want to formulate an intelligent answer, but I have to think on this more. But in a rough sense, I do believe that we will be more accepting of our true nature if given the right set of circumstances.
*Couldn't really say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by UmmBnB View Post
On the lighter side....am I the only one here who likes boys...a lot?
And you like boys!? eeew! dont you know they have GERMS!
I thought it was cooties?

No you're not. I'm getting over a huge crush on Orlando Bloom from Pirates 3. And I'm in love with Anthony Bourdain, but that's due to his biting wit and sarcasm. Plus, I am completely in love with my dh. I just think that if our marriage were to dissolve, he'd most likely be the last man I'd ever be with.
post #39 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
But obviously society plays a role too. Otherwise why would so many of us in this thread who so strongly prefer women be married to men?? I know I spent my teen years taking for granted that having a crush on your best female friend was just some kind of teen girl phase that didn't mean anything, and that if i just looked hard enough eventually I'd find a boy who was acceptable to me. When I did find one, I held on for dear life because I'd had such a hard time finding any guy I was interested in and I knew that I "needed" one to be acceptable in society.
:
man, just about every time i look at this thread, I want to multi-quote just about every post followed by ditto marks and a nodding head

About to step out of the closet here; I'm developing a MAJOR crush on a fellow MDC mama... wont say who it is, in case she reads here, and anyway nothing will happen, as we arent any where close geographically... but still, I feel all young and girly again
post #40 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by heket View Post
I just think that if our marriage were to dissolve, he'd most likely be the last man I'd ever be with.
Ditto. Except I'm not married, and don't plan on getting married. But i really doubt I'd end up with a man again, should we separate. I really don't think that will happen, but hypothetically, this is totally true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post
About to step out of the closet here; I'm developing a MAJOR crush on a fellow MDC mama... wont say who it is, in case she reads here, and anyway nothing will happen, as we arent any where close geographically... but still, I feel all young and girly again
hehe, I am beyond crushing on an MDC mama, but she already knows who she is. I wish she'd come to this thread, but I suppose she has enough going on right now. she's just coincidently on MDC too, as we already knew eachother IRL.

but I've said all this already.

err. I should go to bed. I'm so sleep-deprived at the moment that I don't really know what I'm saying right now...

except... I this thread. and all of you for being here and sharing with us!
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