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Bi-parents Aug. 07 - Page 3

post #41 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
I know I spent my teen years taking for granted that having a crush on your best female friend was just some kind of teen girl phase that didn't mean anything, and that if i just looked hard enough eventually I'd find a boy who was acceptable to me. .
Me too. I just thought that was how you felt about your girlfriends. I don't think I ever really knew that gay could apply to girls. I only knew about it in the context of girls acting bi to impress their boyfriends.
post #42 of 141

How did you come out/realize?

Coming out and realizing it might not have been simultaneous but I'd love to hear everyone's stories.

I was 15 when my friend asked me, "Did you ever make out with girls?" And I said "Yes, hasn't every one?" It kind of woke me up from the sort of subconscious thing that was happening... I liked girls.. I had never fully realized it before. I looked back and realized that ALL my major makeouts growing up were with my girlfriends. We pretended that one of us was a boy (so that we weren't gay... , but it was just two of us feeling each other up.

That was when I realized that I actually had a pretty major crush on this particular friend (that has lasted throughout the 16 years I've known her) and I started to really think about what my attractions were. What did I fantasize about during my parties-for-one? Girls. Who did I watch walk down the street with the most intensity? Girls. Did boys get me hot? Absolutely, but I don't know if it was the 'thing that you don't have' syndrome or what... I never fantasized about boys/men until the last few years of my marriage (and I am so incredibly attracted to my husband there is only room for anyone else in my fantasies...).

I was the first person in my group of friends in high school to admit I masturbated. Being frank about my sexuality actually got me a lot of positive attention; it was rewarding for me to admit that I was bisexual because it loosened the tongues of the girls around me who were curious and it of course got the guys' attention for obvious reasons. Add to that that I was really hot, and I knew I was hot, and well... what was the risk? There really wasn't one.

I did worry for years about my family finding out but they have and no one really cares. They 'don't approve' but seeing as I'm in a hetero relationship it's not like it ever comes up, and if it did, their opinion of my life choices has historically been of no value to me, it wouldn't suddenly change now.

Ironically my husband is very disapproving and feels extremely uncomfortable any time I talk about it, which is rare. We went through this really rough time a couple of years ago where I had written on my blog about being bisexual (I hadn't written about it previously, it's like writing about having brown hair or fingernails...) and it really freaked him out. We had this really wide discussion that exposed a lot of his fears and insecurities. It made me understand him a little more but we reached an impasse... he felt that my sexuality was 'private', and I felt that 'private' meant that he was ashamed and would rather never talk about it. I still think I'm right, especially based on things he said, but I can't change his heart, and I won't stop being who I am. He loves me insanely and I love him insanely, we have a great, great marriage... During that series of conversations I did point my finger and say, "YOUR insecurities, NOT MINE, Your problem, not mine!" But now I keep my conversations away from him, only inserting a comment now and then. I have found with my husband that it takes time to desensitize him. I've got all the time in the world, and it's worth it to be patient with him. He has some shit to sort through and I can understand that, and his issues aren't about ME at all. They're about him finding his identity as the partner of a queer person and anything (if anything) that means, especially in combination with his previous perceptions and judgments.

We do struggle with agreeing on gender identity for our sons and tend to emphasize "girls" and "when you get married" which for now, I am not loving but can tolerate. As they get older I definitely will talk with them more about the many colors of love and how it might manifest in their lives, and how to make room for anything beautiful that comes their way, even if they didn't expect it. I don't want my kids to ever experience a moment of fear if they find love in a non-traditional way and want to share that with us. I have this fantasy that if one of my boys ever came to me with that serious "I have to tell you something" look on his face, and said, "Mom, I'm gay." I'd look at him and say... "Yeah? So?"

Again, I do have a few queer friends but none of them are parenting kids my kids' age, and many didn't come out until their kids were grown. So I'm not sure how to handle a lot of this 'raising boys' thing. We're finding our way, I figure there are more concerning things to instill in them than worrying about this all the time.
post #43 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by UmmBnB View Post
I'm finding this thread very thought provoking and making me ponder the nature vs. nurture question regarding sexuality.

Here are the things I've been pondering:
*Is sexual orientation fixed? Are we born the way we are and we never change although our environment may change.
*Is sexual orientation a mixture of both nature and nurture. Do we become what we are based on where we are in our life...does it evolve?
*How does being poly help a bisexual womon feel content, or on the flip side, unsettled. (not suggesting anyone should be poly)

On the lighter side....am I the only one here who likes boys...a lot?
* Nah, not at all. I don't think anything is so firmly fixed that it can never be changed......

* Oh, definitely - but once again, that applies to everything - not jsut sexual orientation.

* Hrrm, I don't know. I daydream of being poly, but my sex drive is so low it's a point of contention between DH and I - there is no way in hell I'm going to go and try to bring in anyone else as a sexual partner with that still hanging over my head.

I've often wondered if my low sex drive is BECAUSE I groove on girls more - but, eh, then I think not so much, as I've had a chance to be with a woman (DH is aware, and is a-okay with it) and I've passed it up because I just really wasn't feeling - sex. I was cool with her, cool with the situation, but (and seriously, how 'girly' is this?) I just wanted to cuddle.



And I'm shy AND a homebody IRL, so it makes it really hard for me to really bcome actively involved in ANY community. I love my house FAR too much for my own good.
post #44 of 141
Kristina - BDDT with the DH. Mine is in the Navy so the whole me being "out" thing makes him imagine me going to a "wives group" meeting and mentioning my "ex girlfriend." I reminded him that since I'm there as a Navy spouse to support HIM I probably would not mention my ex Girlfriends OR Boyfriends.

Oh and DITTO to the low sex drive thing - I think it is that I'm more into girls but not willing to hurt the partner I chose to marry to satisfy my sexual needs. I made the choice so I stick with it as a partner to him, not fair to change the rules after the fact on the poor guy.

Kulia
post #45 of 141
I respect that it's your decision to make for yourself, but I also think that every person has a right to be themselves. And if you find that you're not satisfied in a marriage to a man, I don't think you have to stay just because "it's not fair to change midstream."

I also think that people do sometimes get hurt in intimate relationships even when we do our best to make sure that doesn't happen. The best we can do is be kind and *honest* with each other.

I guess your post left me feeling a little defensive.
post #46 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by KailuaMamatoMaya View Post
Kristina - BDDT with the DH. Mine is in the Navy so the whole me being "out" thing makes him imagine me going to a "wives group" meeting and mentioning my "ex girlfriend." I reminded him that since I'm there as a Navy spouse to support HIM I probably would not mention my ex Girlfriends OR Boyfriends.
Kulia
Kulia! Were you on MDC before under a different username? I think we may have met before... ?!!
post #47 of 141
Actually, now that I paid attention to your signature, I'm sure it's you! 'member me? I still owe you lunch! hehe. Are you going to come back to this area sometime?

Funny when you meet new people and don't consider that they might be more like you than you think.
post #48 of 141
Oh mamas, I am SOOO glad you are here. How very timely as I feel like talking with women in my sitch.

How did you come out/realize?
I have always known that I liked girls as well as boys (though there is a debate as to which I like more...but I'm choosing to see sexuality as fluid right now) and spent a huge part of my life pushing it away and down and all of that. My last year in University I came out to my "Women in Love" class when our prof straight up asked for a show of hands. I dated a girl in that class briefly.
Soon after Uni I married a man with whom I was in love...and I have to say, honestly, I was already a single mom with the TEEN MOM stigma (at least it was a stigma where I was and I'm pretty sure it still is) and I just wanted to settle down into that het privelege (I know that really irks some people...I'm just speaking MY truth, please don't flame me). So there was a combination of convenience and love and a whole lotta fear when my current partner came along.

Coming out...had rarely come up for me in the last several years. Although I did recently "come out" to my son (see another thread) and I'm out to a few of my friends as the subject has come up. Recently, however, I've been feeling more and more sexual...my youngest is 3...hormones are tapering off...I'm in my 30s...ya know

Now I guess I'm out to as many people check my profile and what I'm posting (I'm somewhat active in my local MDC tribe). How many people actually do that? Ah well...here I am WAVES

Anyway, I'm glad I can talk about this with what looks to be several women with whom I share something in common that I thought was quite odd. Sigh of relief. Cool.

Abby
post #49 of 141
To answer the realization/coming out question...

During my junior and senior years of high school, I did the "Running Start" programme, which basically meant I went to the local community college and took classes there to fulfill HS grad requirements. The school district pays for everything except books, and I hated high school (mostly the people...), so that was great for me. Anyway! So I was 16... and one of the girls in my English class asked me flat out if I was bisexual. That was an interesting experience. I was so caught of guard, because I realised in that very second that I was. All of a sudden everything just made SO much more sense. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before, but I guess it's just one of those things. I think that girl was in running start as well, and closer to my age. She seemed like she was interested, but I got some weird feelings from her and the way she acted, and nothing ever became of that. I am grateful for that experience, though. Hopefully it wouldn't have taken me too much longer to realise it, anyhow, but who knows.

As for "coming out", I'm just generally open with everything, and I think that works in my favor. People seem to just get it, usually, without me having to say anything specific. But I tend to be kind of proud of these things, and definitely don't take steps to hide it, except with my parents... because I really don't think that would go over so well. So I ended up hiding whole relationships from them, too. Though if I were to have a same-sex relationship now (ha.), I really don't think I would hide it any longer. It wouldn't be fun, though. It's possible the my step-mom kind of gets it, because she's a lot more aware than my mom and my dad, but she'd probably rather not know and has never said anything to me about it.
post #50 of 141
I wouldn't say I've ever had an official coming out moment. Every one of my sexual fantasies when I was a teenager involved girls but I very much enjoyed boys also. I knew I was bi and never really questioned that. I only slept with boys because that's what you did in my tiny, conservative midwestern town. I never had a girl come on to me but I'll bet I would have gone for it - maybe. It's hard to say now 25 years later. I've always been pretty uninhibited sexually though.

My first experiece with a girl was in college. She was the wife of a couple with whom my bf and I were best friends with. Later on I dated a girl briefly. Societal expectations played a big role in my limited experience with women I think....were I grew up and even later in my college town, you just didn't do that. I knew some people who were openly gay and they were ostrasized big time.

I married a man a couple of years after college and became quite religious for several years. For the first time in my life I was monogamous. I'd never been in my previous relationships...although those times were flat out cheating in all but the case with the wife mentioned above. It was easy in some respects but very, very hard in others - mostly from a sexual standpoint. I'm just not wired for monogamy or heterosexuality I guess.

After we divorced I was just single for a bit until meeting my current husband. During that time I was still pretty religious and my intent was to carry on with this relationship as a monogamous one...as was his. It wasn't long into our marriage when we started to question our faith and as a natural consequence, resume business as usual with our lives. Our marriage officially opened up with-in a year of being married after a very eye-opening revelation we had together...we simply aren't monogamous nor are we straight. I'd say that dh sits at a 1 on the Kinsey Scale and I'm firmly at a 3.

My close friends know that I'm bisexual and polyamourus. I am open and honest when asked but frankly it rarely comes up. I'm married to a man, two kids, house, career, minivan....Most folks don't even think to question.

I was out with our gf last weekend. It was the first time she and I had been in public together and alone and she was shocked but pleased when I held her hand as we walked down the street...and even more shocked when I kissed her while we were dancing. She was part of a triad before and the woman was completely freaked about anything in public.

I had a date earlier this week with a man I've started seeing and he asked me if I minded showing affection in public. I said no, but also wondered if my answer would have been the same if a co-worker had been sitting in the restaurant or something like that. I'm pretty sure it would have been...but who's to say. Even though I live in a large city I seem to run into someone I know darned near everytime I leave the house. I can't believe I've never seen anyone from my "vanilla" life while I'm with a lover. Its bound to happen at some point and I'd like to believe that I'll just go with the flow...but who knows. I may have some fears and apprehensions that I don't even know about.
post #51 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by bjorker View Post
Actually, now that I paid attention to your signature, I'm sure it's you! 'member me? I still owe you lunch! hehe. Are you going to come back to this area sometime?

Funny when you meet new people and don't consider that they might be more like you than you think.

Yep - it's me. Could not get the old user name/password to work right so I started afresh.

We won't be back in WA in the foreseeable future but you are welcome to come on out to Hawaii!

Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
I guess your post left me feeling a little defensive.
It is what works for me, in my heart but I'm very sorry if I implied it would/should work for anyone else. Defensive is the last thing I want to create in a discussion where I value our varying experiences, etc.
post #52 of 141
Coming Out -

I had early crushes/kisses with girls growing up but eventually had boyfriends like everyone else.

I became more aware of my bisexuality in middle school but was not about to act on anything at that time. In early High School I went off to Powell House (Quaker Retreat in NY) and ended up kissing a girl. I immideatly assumed we were dating, she did not, I was hurt and publicly shamed.

I've dated both sexes since then and am friends with at least two of my exes (including the one above) - but as I said earlier I'm monogamous by nature so I stick with the person I chose to go down that path with, in my case it happens to be a man.

That being said I don't think I'd bother with marriage or another man if (god forbid) he died or anything happened to us.
post #53 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by KailuaMamatoMaya View Post
Yep - it's me. Could not get the old user name/password to work right so I started afresh.

We won't be back in WA in the foreseeable future but you are welcome to come on out to Hawaii!
My parents actually live in Hawaii and I'd say that we go over there at least once a year, but they're on Maui so I don't know how how likely it would be to come say hi. But who knows! Glad to see you around again.
post #54 of 141
Coming out?


I came out with this thread!
Actually, for me the 'coming out' part is more admitting that I'm "bi" rather than "lesbian". though it was plainly obvious to everyone (hey, I'm married to a man!)

My first high-school boyfriend was actually a girl I was just always attracted to women. I'm still attracted to women somehow I always thought of myself as a lesbian, though I would never use the label. I just felt like my occasional attraction to men was some kind of freaky aberration to be ashamed of. Though all of my serious relationships have been with women (except one bf when I was 17)
I always insisted that I dont discriminate, I can love someone for WHO they are, not what 'bits' they've got. (but preferring girls)
I did have lots of short flings with men, like, I'd meet some guy who I felt a connection with, I'd be really attracted to him, we'd get closer... I'd be telling myself that I really like this guy, I really want to be with him.... and in bed, I just couldn't do it. didn't enjoy it.
I'm pretty sure that getting together with DH was a result of a little spirit waiting to be born, and wanting us to be her parents. Well, it worked out in the end; I love him a lot, and we're still together. but its an issue for me; feeling like I'm missing something important in my life.
post #55 of 141
Quote:
* Hrrm, I don't know. I daydream of being poly, but my sex drive is so low it's a point of contention between DH and I - there is no way in hell I'm going to go and try to bring in anyone else as a sexual partner with that still hanging over my head.

I've often wondered if my low sex drive is BECAUSE I groove on girls more - but, eh, then I think not so much, as I've had a chance to be with a woman (DH is aware, and is a-okay with it) and I've passed it up because I just really wasn't feeling - sex. I was cool with her, cool with the situation, but (and seriously, how 'girly' is this?) I just wanted to cuddle.
My feelings exactly!

We have an open relationship. My husband has a girlfriend. He'd be ok with me having a boyfriend, and overjoyed if I had a girlfriend... but I feel responsible for getting things going again between us first (it's totally my lack of interest in sex - he'd be willing any time).

But I kind of think I might have a bit more sex drive with girls, too, if only because there's no risk whatsoever of becoming pregnant!

I'm definitely more interested in looking for friends with the potential for more than in looking for a girlfriend.
post #56 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by UmmBnB View Post
we simply aren't monogamous nor are we straight. I'd say that dh sits at a 1 on the Kinsey Scale and I'm firmly at a 3.
Just out of curiosity... do you mean you aren't straight? Because your husband is a one which is completely het, is it not?

Sorry... I'm easily confuzzled.

Oh yeah... back to question... I came out as "bi" when I was sixteen and came out as "queer/dyke" when I was 20. Before I knew what bisexual was I just thought I was a freak. I knew I didn't really like guys (sexually attracted) that much but dated them anyways. Then I found out when I was 19 that I could actaully BE A LESBIAN! So.... here I am. I know this thread is for bi people, but really, I can identify with a lot of this from being in some hetero relationships so I hope you don't mind. :
post #57 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by erthe_mama View Post
Just out of curiosity... do you mean you aren't straight? Because your husband is a one which is completely het, is it not?
The scale starts at 0. Easy mistake


0- Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6- Exclusively homosexual
post #58 of 141
I never heard of that scale before.
I guess I'd be 4.5 or maybe 4.87864532881 I just like to be precise
post #59 of 141
I score a 3, because although all my fantasies are about women, all my experience is with men. Though if I had my way, that would not be the case. If it were up to me to score myself, I'd be a 4-5. It all depends on what you mean by incidentally. I mean, I am married to a man, and I plan on staying that way. He's not incidental, our relationship isn't incidental. But he is the ONLY man I find attractive in ANY way. He's my exception to exclusively homosexual. So I don't know.

Shawn is a 0. Completely straight. He's comfortable with all issues of sexuality, brags about being hit on by a man, so there is no uptightness there. But he is a truly exclusively straight man. He's slightly straighter than I am gay.
post #60 of 141
Anyone have a link to "test" one's self for the Kinsey scale?


Abby
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