Husband is CLUELESS

[Curlita]

My husband just e-mailed me to ask when our next counseling appointment is. The appointment, which it took me three weeks to make, which I arranged childcare for, and which I decided we sorely needed because I feel UNAPPRECIATED for the variety of tasks I do (including being in charge of all the frickin' counseling appointments) and ignored in favor of his stupid online gaming, apparently conflicts with a meeting of the homebrew club that he would like to attend.

I told him that if he would like to call the counselor and reschedule (he's really good about calling her to cancel, but rescheduling is apparently out of his skill set) AND arrange child care for the alternate evening, to feel free.

And he wrote back to say gee, great idea, he would just do that!

So now I am fuming and waiting for him to e-mail me back for contact information for all possible child care sources, because he doesn't retain that information anywhere (because I take care of arranging childcare, dontcha know)... at which point it feels like it has become my job anyway.

I would like to run away from home. Does anyone need a live-in domestic? Will work for chocolate. And coffee.

[Kontessa]

(((((((Hugs)))))))


Clearly he does not get how important this is to you and honestly I am not sure how you let him get away with it hun? Why even give him the option of changing it?

[artgoddess]

Have you told him flat out it bothers you that he puts the Homebrew club ahead of the counseling session? Because his response of "Great idea, I'll do that." sounds like he read your email as being rather passive agressive.

[Curlita]

I know, it's ridiculous. I set him up to disappoint me, and now I'm mad because I'm disappointed. There is a part of me that really struggles with the idea that the counseling is more important to me than it is to him because the marriage is more important to me than it is to him, and if I have to force him to go with me, then what's the point? It's totally passive aggressive. It's like I'm saying, "You need to choose. NO, NO, for heaven's sake, don't choose THAT!"

[Kontessa]

Well at least you see what your doing! LOL I am so sorry you are going through all this. It drives me nuts when I know I am doing something that is not really helping but still can not seem to not do it.

One thing I have learned apart from the Dr phill "You teach people how to treat you" is with kids, I need to not set them up to fail. If I do not want them to have cookies before dinner then cookies best not be on the counter and then need to be high and out of site. I can not expect them to have the same priorites as I do. Same with hubbys I think.

[StacieM]

(((((hugs)))))

[Googy]

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time!

I know for me personally, if I don't talk about how I'm feeling I just build up a lot of anger and resentment. If I were you, I would talk to DH and tell him how much it upsets you that his homebrew club is a bigger priority for him than your marriage. Tell him that you realize that you should not have given him the choice to reschedule the appointment, because it is NOT OK with you. He is probably avoiding the couseling because he does not want to deal with problems/issues in your relationship. Many men prefer to ignore difficulties rather than face them head-on. For the sake of good, honest communication in your marriage, I would talk to him, but try to stay as calm and rational as you can while still being very straightforward about how you are feeling.

[Curlita]

Okay, I'm out of my drama, ladies. I e-mailed him back and said, you know what, I really would rather you didn't change the plans because it took me a long time to make that appointment, I feel like we need it, we'll have free childcare that night, and it hurts my feelings when you don't take this stuff into account. And he apologized, and we're going to therapy. The end.

Therapy is something we have been doing, off and on, pretty routinely for... geez, since before we were married, so sometimes I think he equates it with a dentist appointment or something.

Thanks for encouraging me to not just sit and stew in my own juices!

[Googy]

Yay!

[Kontessa]

Way to go mama!

I think it is a good idea as so often we can be so busy with life we can not hear one another. At least it sets a time aside to listen to one another and if we can not get through our own crap to hear what someone else is saying then at least you have someone outside it all to help us hear it.

[GinaRae]

Wow, so sorry you have to go through this (what seems like) again and again. I have a wonderul hubby and sometimes I get SO SICK of having to work for good communication and to get my needs met... I want him to just figure it out and remember it and change without being dragged. Men!!