Moms of Many Gentle Discipline Support Thread - Page 2

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Not discipline exactly, but it helps maintain order on my part, which seems to help everything run smoothly.

Well sure it is! It's the best kind, planning ahead to keep the troubles from cropping up.

I love your kitchen chart, I'm going to adopt that. I do meal plans every other week, and those weeks everything is easier. I need to be more consistent about them.

I also love your house cleaning chart. I've been meaning to do one of those for a long time, too. I read once about a method where you put a chore you need to do every month on an index card, and then pick one every day and do it. My house could stand to have that method of cleaning!

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by natensarah

Pour yourself a stiff drink?

Hide out in the bathroom?

Clearly, I have no advice, but I feel ya!

Hands down the most difficult part of the day when my triplets were newborns and DS was 2.5 . . .. . . everything collided at dinner/bath/bedtime . . . and it was soo hard! And I totally could NOT do it by myself, either . . . DH had to be home . . . or someone had to help me. .. .

No tips, sorry! Just the glimmer of hope that it does get better when the youngest are older?

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by flapjack

Here too!

Tripmom, I was thinking about your situation on the way over here, and the way I see it you've got two issues.
1) In the tripping incident, before you could even start talking you had to find a way of getting the noise level down enough that you could be heard. Would moving to a different room with the two participants be a possibility?
2) You then had to comfort the trippee quickly enough that you could deal with the tripper
3) You then had to remind the tripper that his brother/sister was really hurt and scared by the thing that he had done, and it's really NOT cool to trip your brother over, even if his nose does do that cool thing when it spurts blood when he fell on the floor. Aim for a degree of recognition for what he's done.
4) THEN find time to reconnect with the tripper later on and give him a reward (aka some special mummy time) for doing the right thing and staying out of trouble so you're available to talk to him and vice versa.

That's what works in our house, anyhow, but at the moment we're just at three and growing. Stage 1 (can't hear myself think) is the biggie, though- if you can figure out that one it's standard GD tactics.

How does everyone else feel about the noise levels in their home? At the moment I think we've got it about right but dd is loud, loud, loud Screaming, shrieking, shouting- she's not a girl for moderation.

You know - I'm really freaked out about how mean DS1 will be to the triplets unprovoked. Am I making too much out of it? The stuff I see him do really upsets me . . . . maybe its more normal than I think? Dunno . . . it just seems like I should be doing something more when he is so mean to the kids?

[crittersmom]

Hope to be back later...I feel like my house is the loudest in the neighborhood.

[GinaRae]

Originally Posted by phathui5

My latest GD issue:

My kids are 6, 3, 1 1/2 and 12 days and bedtime is making me crazy. My second youngest still wants me to lay down with/nurse him at bedtime but #4 seems to be cluster feeding in the evenings and doesn't want to detach. The oldest two have trouble settling down and them making noise doesn't help ds2 fall asleep.

What do you do at bedtime with a bunch of kids?

TOUGH age but I remember at that point we kept a really strict night time schedule that started with dinner time. Dinner, baths, brushing teeth, reading, bed time, etc...

Do you have a partner that's good at helping out and is home every night? That makes a big difference. Also, I wasn't breastfeeding more than one at a time ever, so I know life must be that much more chaotic to you. But if you keep up the consistency and get help, it should turn things around.

[GinaRae]

Lack of family management does tend to help flare up the discipline probs for us too. I get going with my charts and schedules and the kids actually love it, but then I FAIL MISERABLY every time!

[kayjayjay]

Originally Posted by GinaRae

Lack of family management does tend to help flare up the discipline probs for us too. I get going with my charts and schedules and the kids actually love it, but then I FAIL MISERABLY every time!

:

I'm soo disorganized these days, I'm just doing damage control most of the time and I know that affects how our days go.

[TattooedMama]

I'm joining.... 3 boys, and some days it feels like they all have 2 heads and 8 sticky arms...
back later,
Jessica

[Kidzaplenty]

Lack of organization leads to chaos. So me having to move TWO households (one being ours) in a period of three weeks is driving me NUTS! :

We just finished moving my mom's house yesterday. Now we are back to packing our house and then moving next weekend for us! UUUUHHHHGGGG!

Talk about chaos! GD is SO difficult when you are totally stressed out yourself!

Boy do I wish I could be in next month already!

[MamabearTo4]

I fit nicely here...

I have four - 11, 4, 3 and 1. The issue in my big house is that everyone wants to be heard all the time. If someone needs anothers attention, and the 'another' happens to be on the third floor, the yelling starts. If the 3yo gets her feelings hurt and starts to cry...loudly...the instigator needs to make his point...even more loudly...which leads to me trying to talk over them both to get some calm. :

I try really hard to keep peace around here - the different ages/toys/ideas/committments, etc. have me overwhelmed. I'm HSing my 6th grader this fall, considering sending the youngers to preschool for a few hrs. a day a couple of days a week. How will I ever keep it together well enough to guide my oldest through 6th grade? :

When I first saw the mention of a chart, I thought it was brilliant, but I thought it was to chart the victories, the meltdowns, the quirks to find some kind of pattern in the bumpy road to chaos. Don't get me wrong - my life is a blast, and I'm considering a 5th babe, but I have to get a handle on this somehow! I'll let you know what comes of my charting...

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by crittersmom

I feel like my house is the loudest in the neighborhood.

This is us too. I have four children, ages 2 1/2, 10, 12, and 14. It gets loud here.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by TripMom

You know - I'm really freaked out about how mean DS1 will be to the triplets unprovoked. Am I making too much out of it? The stuff I see him do really upsets me . . . . maybe its more normal than I think? Dunno . . . it just seems like I should be doing something more when he is so mean to the kids?

I think you are! I don't mean to be snarky, but I get freaked out too, so I know what you mean. But I don't think it helps, and I wouldn't worry that he's a psychopath. He's just a kid! Kids have to experiment with the dark side. And I would really be surprised if your younger ones weren't somehow contributing to the dynamic. I know they seem like they're being totally victimized, but even by being victimized, they're encouraging him.

Do they stick up to him? Can they say, "Don't push me!" or "Hey, no hitting!"

[GinaRae]

Rescue Remedy!!!

I've been introduced to the wonders of flower essences and love it. Rescue Remedy is nice and there are others specific for different children and parental needs I'll be looking into.

A couple of sprays of Bach's Rescue Remedy in the mouth really helps adjust my attitude and helps the kids' too. I don't like that it does have some alcohol taste, and I have heard there are creams as well, but the spray is working.

[kayjayjay]

Originally Posted by MamabearTo4

I'm HSing my 6th grader this fall, considering sending the youngers to preschool for a few hrs. a day a couple of days a week. How will I ever keep it together well enough to guide my oldest through 6th grade? :

Our kids are similar ages, I'm hsing a 6th grader as well. Has your DC been in school before? That might make a difference in how you should approach things. My oldest is pretty self-motivated and we get by with a pretty unstructured approach. My 6yo is starting 1st grade and so she really requires more of my one-on-one attention. HSing is so much fun, good luck!

[momuveight2B]

I don't feel like posting a big answer right now mostly cause I am under stress and almost 38 weeks pregnant with #8. That is a plea for sympathy, OK.

GD is a process. My oldest child is 27 and I have learned and learned and learned over the years. Almost nothing is the same now as when I started. Honestly it is a miracle that she lived through my ignorance and has turned out to be a decent human being. The only things that haven't changed dramatically for me is breastfeeding, co-sleeping, cloth diapering and staying at home. I just do these things longer and am more tolerant of the issues that come from being a full time 24/7 parent who co-sleeps, tandem nurses and washes lots of laundry every day and hangs it all out to dry. I can thank my mom who did all these things out of absolute necessity for passing along these skills. Without these basics and the role modeling it would have been much harder.

OK, hope I didn't go off topic there because to me it is a total package of values, beliefs and how I approach parenting and that impact on the world around me.

You don't even want to know all the mistakes I have made over the years. There are times I lay awake at night ashamed of the things I have done with my kids but then as I said it is a process, a journey not a destination. As I learned better from other moms I did better. So where ever you are in this process right now give yourself a HUGE pat on the back because just that you are aware of the need to GD is more than half way there.

The years go by quick and these littles ones are so precious. The older I get the more I know what the older women mean when they tell us to cherish every moment because it won't last long. It doesn't. So on really hard days I remember this and when I have a child that is so unlovable at the moment I reach out and put them on my lap and not across it. I have learned to offer a hug and not a timeout that only really addresses my own frustration. That reconnection with our children is so powerful and begins the day they are born when we put them to our breast.

We always have control of the home atmosphere. As moms we can go nuts or we can turn on silly music and make a game of cleanup. We choose the response that continues the trust and respect in the relationship.

So often when I was young I felt out of control and overwhelmed because I felt the kids were running me and the house. I wanted to pull my hair out and would lock myself in the bathroom in hopes of solitude. Not there because they would even slip notes under the door while the younger ones banged and cried for mommy. I haven't been to the bathroom alone in 27 years, well maybe postpartum in the hospital. It takes a lot to know that you are in charge and have the power to set the mood each day and even when it has fallen apart you can start over.

OK, that is all for now. Just keep working at GD and never give up. It really does work in the long run to have a peaceful family. These little people will one day be ruling our country, taking care of us in our old age and raising our grandchildren. We want the best outcome so it is always a worthy goal to work hard at it each day.

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by natensarah

I think you are! I don't mean to be snarky, but I get freaked out too, so I know what you mean. But I don't think it helps, and I wouldn't worry that he's a psychopath. He's just a kid! Kids have to experiment with the dark side. And I would really be surprised if your younger ones weren't somehow contributing to the dynamic. I know they seem like they're being totally victimized, but even by being victimized, they're encouraging him.

Do they stick up to him? Can they say, "Don't push me!" or "Hey, no hitting!"

OK - thanks for that. I really need a reality check on this -- and I guess I am really suprised that there aren't more MoMany piling on saying 'totally normal' - that would really make me feel more at ease if I knew most big families deal with this??

Thanks for the idea to focus on what the little ones can do when DS is mean -- since I'm not having much luck focusing on DS negative action.

[mama in the forest]

The years go by quick and these littles ones are so precious. The older I get the more I know what the older women mean when they tell us to cherish every moment because it won't last long. It doesn't. So on really hard days I remember this and when I have a child that is so unlovable at the moment I reach out and put them on my lap and not across it

I hear you loud & clear. It's so true. My 19 year old is so big now! I can't believe I've been at this for 20 years! I don't even know where the time has gone.

I have 6 kids and have never charted or done anything like that. We unschool, and I wouldn't say that I 'wing' anything...but my family works best when we have a lot of flexibility. I need a lot of freedom in my life, and I have enough obligations so I don't want a chart looming over my head. Plus, I've personally found it more difficult to keep my cool & be gentle with the kids when I've set goals that are too high for us to maintain. Which is any time I've set any kind of cleaning goal.

What I do is take each day & see what needs cleaning. We do triage in the main living spaces, and then after that I try to have us do a more in-depth cleaning of one room. Every kid is expected to help to their capability. I try to take into account the things they naturally enjoy...for example, my son LOVES to cook, so he will do that excitedly...one of my daughters loves to dust & vaccum, so who am I to stop her? :

[UUMom]

I have four, but I am out of the baby stage. My youngest is 8. I take care of my sister's two yr old several times a week, so it's a full house of 5 kids (although my oldest does have a summer job). Add in friends, and our animals, well it's busy. I don't know how would get along without my 8, 13, & 15 yr olds who help entertain the two yr old.

As for loud, we have two drum sets, and many guitars, plus a piano. Yeah, it gets loud.

I am very relaxed, so I could not get it together to ever do a chore chart, or anything, but we are have been AP/ GD since day one. I wouldn't say these philosophies 'always work'...they aren't aren't about "Child does A, so you do B", after all. I think of respectful parenting as how we react to normal childhood behaviors. We're doing OK. The kids are pretty gentle people. Which isn't to say they don't argue .

But life is much easier when you don't have to carry multiple children to the car, dress, and change multiple diapers etc.

[MamabearTo4]

Originally Posted by mama in the forest

I've personally found it more difficult to keep my cool & be gentle with the kids when I've set goals that are too high for us to maintain.

I agree with your post and wanted to comment on this part...I'm hoping that setting smaller goals with our 'charting', be it mental or written, will help me realize that I'm not doing so poorly, after all! Any boost or peep of encouragement during the GD day goes a long way for me.

All of you mamas are so wise! In the end, we all have the same goal... It's interesting to hear about the different paths we can take to find something that works for our families.

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by momuveight2B

OK, that is all for now. Just keep working at GD and never give up. It really does work in the long run to have a peaceful family. These little people will one day be ruling our country, taking care of us in our old age and raising our grandchildren. We want the best outcome so it is always a worthy goal to work hard at it each day.

I thought this was lovely. I've felt so overwhelmed lately, and I'm realizing that life is a series of new beginnings, you know? For me at least it seems as if I am constant starting over. And sometimes it's hard to extend enough grace to myself to do that. And when I'm not extending grace to myself, I have a difficult time extending it to my children as well. Lately my "mantra" has really been the bible verse "Create in me a clean heart, o God, and renew a right spirit within me." And I love that it's all about God and me, not about what my kids are doing wrong, or how they're screwing up, or even how I'm screwing up. Just about stopping, and starting fresh. Anyway, that's where I'm at lately.