Moms of Many Gentle Discipline Support Thread - Page 5

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Sigh. Well, I feel sort of bad. DH came home between services and I drove them all over to church. The plan was Nicholas would go to the nursery, the older two would sit with friends, and the baby and I would go to Mass for the first time in forever.

Except the baby completely freaked out on the way home, and nursed forever, and I missed Mass because honestly, I think God understands not wanting to wake a sleeping fussy baby.

So the other three are at Lutheran church, Daniel is asleep, and I am online.

We are home right now too. The plan was to make it to the 11am service but dh is working (another post entirely) and for me to get all 4 out the door would have taken longer then we had. So.....I am aiming for 6pm service. We will see if dh is with us or not.

[phathui5]

Originally Posted by AngelBee

Right now we all co-sleep. It makes it easier for now. WHen dad says lights out, everyone cuddles in and goes to dreamy land.

I am lucky though.....my children are pretty sound sleepers.

Maybe it is because they have always co-slept

You are lucky. We've always co-slept and everyone in together doesn't = my kids going to sleep.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by phathui5

You are lucky. We've always co-slept and everyone in together doesn't = my kids going to sleep.

[GinaRae]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Can I get some advice? I need some quick and easy "remedies" for when I am feeling like I'm about to lose it. You know, when the noise is overwhelming and they keep waking up the baby and trying to escape outside in their church clothes and the best plan I can come up with is "we're going to sit on the sofa and look at books for the next hour." I just need some ideas for calming everyone down.

You mean other than a fire hose?

Rescue Remedy from Bachs!! And other flower essences can tackle these types of things with your kids and you and help you manage the "symptoms" while you gain control again. Seems odd, because you feel like you're drugging your kids, but look into flower essences and see if anything clicks.

I mostly just use Rescue Remedy on myself and once in a while on my oldest. Helps me calm my nerves quickly so I can move forward.

Board games might also do the trick. Will they sit and play with you for a few minutes? A well-timed snack time and they have to help prepare the fixings?

I am dealing with this kind of thing right now. The boys get wrestling or running through the house or maybe at the table they get into giggle fits and all hell breaks lose. They get louder and louder and they begin to fall and get hurt or are banging spons in their bowls or something gets knocked off a shelf or SOMETHING and I think I am going to lose my mind.

I can't seem to get on top of it all now that I am pregnant and all the progress I had made is gone gone gone!

[annettemarie]

I always forget about Rescue Remedy. I never really believed in it til my midwife gave it to me during labor. I was shocked at how well it worked. I'm going to bring it downstairs and set it on my mantle, LOL!

Board games cause trouble, because while my older two are fine, Nicholas is right on this side of too young. He feels excluded and causes trouble, and then it's just a Very Bad Scene.

[orangefoot]

Right now I am NAKing and I have sent the other 3 upstairs to clean their teeth and go to bed. For the last 5 mins I can hear ds2 being very loud and stupid horsing around hysterically while ds1 is part goading him and part telling him to shut up. I can't hear dd but she won't be getting any sleep while the other two are being so silly.

I am resiting the urge to go up there and shout at them becuase I am waiting to see if natural consequences calms them down without me intervening and I couldn't anyway because I can't get dd off my boob! But now I am getting that pent-up anxious feeling you are all talking about and feeling impatient.

Ah - now dd has run into their room and told them to stop it now...Dh is out dropping keys off to a new tenant so I am here on my own which is why there is stupidness going on.

Mmm I'm going to try and lay the baby down and go and see what is going on because its not calming down at all.

[GinaRae]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

I always forget about Rescue Remedy. I never really believed in it til my midwife gave it to me during labor. I was shocked at how well it worked. I'm going to bring it downstairs and set it on my mantle, LOL!

Mine is in my purse which is almost always next to me.

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Board games cause trouble, because while my older two are fine, Nicholas is right on this side of too young. He feels excluded and causes trouble, and then it's just a Very Bad Scene.

I gotcha! I had that going on forever too and now Jack is 6 and doing better with several games, so it's starting to work. That is, when they don't fight over the game which ends up happening a lot. My oldest has volitile moods due to his diagnosis and that makes it hard for everyone.

[Fairy4tmama]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Can I get some advice? I need some quick and easy "remedies" for when I am feeling like I'm about to lose it. You know, when the noise is overwhelming and they keep waking up the baby and trying to escape outside in their church clothes and the best plan I can come up with is "we're going to sit on the sofa and look at books for the next hour." I just need some ideas for calming everyone down.

ok I am still ever so slowly reading this thread in my very few minutes to sit each day: but I am in the process of making a little envelope that has 3x5 cards in it with calming activities written on it things like drive cars thru a tray of rice, get out playdough, corn starch and water, tell a made up story with kids names in it, etc. I swear one of my biggest issues right now is just that I lack creative energy to keep coming up with ideas. so as I think of more "oh yea that worked well when we..." I write it on a card and toss it in the envelope. Secretly I call it the "YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY" envelope because when I start thinking that I need a creative idea. If I pull a card that can't work like cornstarch and water but we can't get messy I just put it back and pull another. So far its working......

off to read what other suggestions you got...I came to whine about my day but now I am to lazy

ETA AM I hear ya with board games but we do have one that seems to work well for my gang its called ANIMA and the "board" is actualy put together with randomly placed tiles so I tell the bigger kids to give the two year olds a handful of tiles and a ghost and the make their own game .

[AngelBee]

Oh.....a jar with activities. Good idea! :

[umsami]

I so need this thread. Just added #3, so now I have three under three for at least a few months until DS1 turns 4. As with the birth of my second son, I know that whenever the baby is crying is a trigger. I keep reminding myself that the others are still babies too, which helps... but not always.

[momuveight2B]

When I am going nuts I lock myself in the bathroom, I don't even try to get control of the chaos. I'm a coward. While I'm in there they pass notes under the door, scream and bang on the door and demand that they must use the potty however there are two other bathrooms in the house but mine is the best. I went there last night and completely abandoned dh because I just couldn't take it anymore. I soaked in the tub for an hour.

When I came out dh had dishes done, toys picked up and lunches made for today.

Of course it doesn't happen that way when he is not here. So I don't stay in there long but at least will brush my teeth or my hair or something to make myself feel better. Run cold water over my wrists and face. Give myself a pep talk in the mirror.

When I come out I have a plan and put it into action. It starts with me asking myself what is needed here for me to feel in control and then what do the kids need? I come out and do whatever I have decided to do, usually a snack or activity.

Sometimes they never miss me at all and that is bliss for a few minutes

Somedays I just feel really good to go to bed and know that everyone is still alive and happy.

[GinaRae]

HOW do I deal with this?

The boys (6, 9 and 12) have moved into this phase of doing things for fun... things they KNOW they're not supposed to do, but if they think mom's sleeping or busy, they will do it anyway.

I am always around, so I always catch them. It may take me 5 or 10 minutes if I am doing laundry (in the garage) but I still am ever present. Even if it's 7:30am and they're awake and I am in bed, I know what's going on. The house is small, there's no carpet to absorb noise, and I've just never been able to sleep when my kids are awake.

It really really (did I say really?) bothers me! This instant gratification stuff. To heck with the rules and knowledge that we will get into trouble, if we think mom has looked way we will do it anyway.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not bad stuff at all. Nothing like major damage or swinging knives. The kids are generally great kids. But it's the stuff I have asked them repeatedly not to do in my adult wisdom (because x, y and z) could happen, etc.

Like if one's in the bath tub, the other two should stay out. Yet this morning I came in from the laundry after 5 minutes and the other two are elbow deep in the bath with the third and there's water all over the bathroom.

Sure, sure, just playing, right? But I have asked them not to because of the privacy for the child in the bath and the messy water factor and they KNOW I have asked them not to. Because even if they clean up the water, it's not 100%, I have to ask for it cleaned up, check that it's done, hang the rug to dry, and worry about any water damage/problems later on. I don't own this house and even if I did, they shouldn't destroy it.

I find it SO disrespectful that they won't stop doing the things I have asked them not to. Nothing seems to phase them now, and I am at the end of my discipline rope.

I want to be gentle in my discipline, but they're making that harder AND what form of discipline can I even do??? Seems like all it ever is is talking about the incident while they all repeatedly say, "Yes mom" and then damage control. But nothing stops it next time. I have talked and talked and talked!!!

We've tried a few other things and nothing seems to leave an impression. They're just on to the next thing they think they can do when I am not looking. And for the LIFE of me...I didn't do this stuff when I was their age and we had no parents around!! WHY do they do it when they know they get busted EVERY BLASTED time?!

Is it like exercising a dog and they're just not getting enough fun outside the home or even at home? Well there's just no way to make it any better right now. And even if I did try, they're so far apart in age and likes that it's nearly impossible to set up things every day that each will love. I am so frustrated. I never saw this part of life coming, you know?

[Fairy4tmama]

's mamas,
GR I wish I had someting to offer up but : I was just kinda hoping that type of stuff got better with age ....maybe not:

what do you all do(if anything) about wrestling. I feel like I am raising bear cubs ....only they don't have fur to help buffer each others attacks and I feel like some always gets hurt just as I am changing some one out of poopy clothes, nurse the baby who has already waited to eat untill I could settle every one, handling raw meat,insert your own crisis du jour! I know that they need to be physical and that this is to a large extent normal but how do you cope!

[orangefoot]

Gina (and Fairy)

I feel that boys do just like to do stuff that is a bit risky - either it's dangerous or you might catch them. If they can't do stuff outdoors that is testing their physical selves then maybe they are doing the 'Oh she might catch us and be mad' stuff instead? Talking about it and how upsetting it is to you doesn't seem to help in the short term because they still have the 'urge' to do it and its a bit deeper than their rational selves - just like dogs wanting to keep running as you said!

We have tried to offer them opportunities to do this stuff out of the house when we can. Climbing trees, racing bikes running/rollling down hills at full pelt, walking on walls, balancing on posts and other stuff like that. We also encouraged wrestling for a long time but that has passed now more or less. Dh used to take them in the garden every night and lay a stick on the ground and they would do sumo type wrestling to try to push their opponent over the stick. It always ended in laughter and they didn't hurt each other.

We have a small garden but we go over to the field close to our house and play frisbee or have how-far-can-you-throw-the-ball challneges, or play badminton without a net just to get us all rushing about. I really couldn't do much other than be referee when I was pregnant or carrying littlest dd in the sling but now that she is able to stand up on her own we are all back to frisbeeing and leaping about. Even though ours are 14 10 and 4 they all have fun together doing this. I have to add that we are not a sporty family in any way but we can stretch to this kind of ywithout too much trouble.

Another thing which we don't do because it is so expensive here but is great for lads, is swimming. Do yours swim? They sound like they might have fun instead of doing it in the bath and you could take the weight off your bump too maybe? Then perhaps you could have a discussion about not doing it in the bath because you are going to do it on x day at the pool?

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by GinaRae

Is it like exercising a dog and they're just not getting enough fun outside the home or even at home? Well there's just no way to make it any better right now. And even if I did try, they're so far apart in age and likes that it's nearly impossible to set up things every day that each will love.

It does sound like they are bored. Do they get regular physical activity? That's a biggie--kids need to be active for some part of the day.

We go on hikes in the woods, swimming, a trip to the zoo. Give them opportunities to work off all of that rambunctious energy they have. Sometimes, when my 10yo seems to have a lot of pent up energy, I'll suggest that she go run around the block If her sister will time her she's all over it.

What kinds of things can they do at home? Do they like Legos, board games, building models, cooking?

It might be helpful to have a family meeting. You could come up with a list of family rules together.

I think I got this from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (I've read so many, they blur ). When they do mess up, I find it helpful to:
State your feelings It frustrates me when you get in the tub with your brother. It makes a mess of the bathroom, and I don't like to clean it up.
State your expectations I expect you to stay out of the bathroom while your brother is bathing.
Show how to make amends Help me clean up this mess.

[AngelBee]

Dh and I decided to have 45min of time outside everyday after lunch. (More for the older 2 if they wish but the younger two have to nap)

I think that should help.

PS...My children get ALOT more activity in. They are in dance....well Dom dances like 15 hours a week : The kid is crazy! Abby dances almost as much. Angelo 30 min to an hour a week. Plus they do sports at different times and such.

The older two still seem to get bored and nutty So we are thinking of doing a "gym class" during 1 or 2 of these outside times and teaching them new gmes and activities that they can do together. That way they will have a greater pool of thing to choose from when they are bored.

[phathui5]

Are we talking Rescue Remedy for the kids or for us?

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by phathui5

Are we talking Rescue Remedy for the kids or for us?

Yes.

[GinaRae]

Originally Posted by sunnysideup

I think I got this from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (I've read so many, they blur ). When they do mess up, I find it helpful to:
State your feelings It frustrates me when you get in the tub with your brother. It makes a mess of the bathroom, and I don't like to clean it up.
State your expectations I expect you to stay out of the bathroom while your brother is bathing.
Show how to make amends Help me clean up this mess.

I have the book and that's exactly what I do, all the time, naturally! Even before reading the book (and I don't remember if I have ever read it or if it's sitting there waiting for me!).

[Teensy]

Most days, I would feel like I could only come on here and vent similar frustrations! But today is a pretty good day, so I'll try to add some of the things that work for me.

Sometimes the problems are real and must be dealt with (sick or hurt, need to get out the door to pick a child up from school, baby needs to nurse, etc.) but often the problem is really only a mental one (the house is messy, I think the kids need a bath before bed, etc.). If I am in a bad mood, I try to catch myself and ask - Does this have to happen right now? Or can it slide until tomorrow?

Now this thread says "support" in the title, so no flames allowed! Often what causes me frustration is trying to live up to the NFL ideals of MDC. So if I am in one of those moods, I have determined that our family does better if I forget the "ideals" and just let the kids do what they want (even if it is watch TV or play computer games) while I nuke a bowl of Beef-a-roni for their lunch. Now I know someone else will post that their family gets in a better mood by all joining together to chop fresh vegetables while singing songs, but I haven't found that to work in my own family.

When I am about to snap I have told everyone to go get in the van and we just go for a ride, usually to get icecream or treats from a drive-thru. I have told the kids that once they get in the tub they can have freezer pops. I have told the boys that they can stay up as late as the want, as long as they stay in their rooms and I can't hear them. Is this as good as healthy foods and a good nights sleep? No, but on those days when perfect parenting seems as far away as the moon, it seems a better alternative than the yelling and screaming that I am trying to limit.

On our better days, the bedtime routine works best if I can stagger things. One child bathes before dinner, the other bathes after dinner while I am doing the read books/brush teeth/neaten room routine with his brother. DD either comes last if she took a nap, or else she got her bath and pajamas in the late afternoon once it was sure she wasn't going to nap, and would be going to sleep earlier. I try to keep the kids somewhat separated so that they can't antagonize each or, or in the alternative, get playing together so they don't want to go to bed. Doing the kids one by one may take longer than trying to do the bedtime routine together, but it doesn't seem longer since it is much less stressful for me.

I always have a book on tape (or my iPod) to listen to. That also helps distract me from the frustrations I feel with a messy house and wild kids. My DH laughs at me, but it really helps keep me sane.

And the before dinner wine - add some cheese and crackers and its downright civilized!