My DS is 8, he's a wonderful, kind, gentle, happy, easy going, creative, sensible kid. He's also, in a lot of ways a pretty "average" kid -- in the middle of the class, tends to do things right "on time" in terms of child development checklists, neither the best nor the worst at any activity he does.
He has a best friend -- a really really really good friend, who has been in his class every year but one since they were 3 and live in the neighborhood. The two boys play together every chance they can get -- they sleep over at each other's houses almost every weekend, and are always calling each other, and wanting playdates. They are wonderful together, never fight, play really creatively etc . . . This other kid is also wonderful, kind, gentle, happy . . . . He's also a very smart kid who is at the top of the class, star of the soccer team, etc . . . In addition, he's got a 2 parent family with a SAHM (I'm a single mom who works really long hours), and lives in a big house with a nice yard (we have a nice but small apartment).
My son constantly compares himself to this kid. I hear frequently how the other child is smarter, or better, or taller, or faster or whatever than DS, and it kind of breaks my heart. He doesn't do this with other kids. I have also noticed that when the two boys are involved in the same activity that DS sometimes stops trying because he knows he can't compete (even though the other child is not setting it up as a competition). This is a big issue, since one of the things that they're in the same class -- all year I've heard, "I don't want to read because I'm not good at it like X", or "X is good at math and I'm not".
The other kid's parents are very laid back, and let their son make a lot of choices -- which I think is great. The result, however, is that he usually chooses to be with my son. For example we changed school a couple years ago, and a year later he transfered into DS's school. DS started trumpet lessons and a week later their son did too. So now DS thinks he's "not good" at trumpet because of the comparisons, when in reality DS is just fine at trumpet, it's just that the other child is kind of exceptional.
In the summers their son stays home with mom, except for maybe a week of camp here or there. My DS has to go to daycamp all summer because I work. Luckily this year I found a camp he LOVES where they do lots of outdoor activities -- archery, kayaking etc . . . He seems to get such a big self-esteem boost out of these activities, and it's been wonderful to see the way he lights up when he talks about them. My plan is to keep sending him until he's too old. He's already saying he wants to be a counselor when he's in high school.
Well, I was talking to the X's mom yesterday and she said that she had thought that camp all summer was too expensive, but X talked her into it so next year they can go together -- won't that be fun! I didn't know what to say. On one hand, I don't feel like it's my place to tell her where she can and can't send her kid for camp. On the other hand, I'm dreading DS going from "I LOVE kayaking -- Mom did you know I can do a roll?" to "X is a better kayaker than I am". And from "I got picked to represent our group in the archery contest" to "X won the archery contest, I only came in third".
Any suggestions on how to handle this? I really feel like DS needs one place or one activity that's all his, where he can really shine and feel good without the constant comparisons.
He has a best friend -- a really really really good friend, who has been in his class every year but one since they were 3 and live in the neighborhood. The two boys play together every chance they can get -- they sleep over at each other's houses almost every weekend, and are always calling each other, and wanting playdates. They are wonderful together, never fight, play really creatively etc . . . This other kid is also wonderful, kind, gentle, happy . . . . He's also a very smart kid who is at the top of the class, star of the soccer team, etc . . . In addition, he's got a 2 parent family with a SAHM (I'm a single mom who works really long hours), and lives in a big house with a nice yard (we have a nice but small apartment).
My son constantly compares himself to this kid. I hear frequently how the other child is smarter, or better, or taller, or faster or whatever than DS, and it kind of breaks my heart. He doesn't do this with other kids. I have also noticed that when the two boys are involved in the same activity that DS sometimes stops trying because he knows he can't compete (even though the other child is not setting it up as a competition). This is a big issue, since one of the things that they're in the same class -- all year I've heard, "I don't want to read because I'm not good at it like X", or "X is good at math and I'm not".
The other kid's parents are very laid back, and let their son make a lot of choices -- which I think is great. The result, however, is that he usually chooses to be with my son. For example we changed school a couple years ago, and a year later he transfered into DS's school. DS started trumpet lessons and a week later their son did too. So now DS thinks he's "not good" at trumpet because of the comparisons, when in reality DS is just fine at trumpet, it's just that the other child is kind of exceptional.
In the summers their son stays home with mom, except for maybe a week of camp here or there. My DS has to go to daycamp all summer because I work. Luckily this year I found a camp he LOVES where they do lots of outdoor activities -- archery, kayaking etc . . . He seems to get such a big self-esteem boost out of these activities, and it's been wonderful to see the way he lights up when he talks about them. My plan is to keep sending him until he's too old. He's already saying he wants to be a counselor when he's in high school.
Well, I was talking to the X's mom yesterday and she said that she had thought that camp all summer was too expensive, but X talked her into it so next year they can go together -- won't that be fun! I didn't know what to say. On one hand, I don't feel like it's my place to tell her where she can and can't send her kid for camp. On the other hand, I'm dreading DS going from "I LOVE kayaking -- Mom did you know I can do a roll?" to "X is a better kayaker than I am". And from "I got picked to represent our group in the archery contest" to "X won the archery contest, I only came in third".
Any suggestions on how to handle this? I really feel like DS needs one place or one activity that's all his, where he can really shine and feel good without the constant comparisons.
. I do think that the reasons why they end up doing the same activities are simply that they're really similar kids and like the same things, and that they like doing things together.
