'The mistake...is we never set any boundaries.' - Page 3

[ameliabedelia]

People that have addiction problems are using drugs to escape reality, to escape an indescribable pain inside of them. In my opinion, someone with this kind of tendency will seek out the addiction, no matter what their parents are like.

I think this is a very true point. I would venture to say that ALL addictions (drugs, alcohol, sex, overeating, gambling, etc., etc.) are ways one has of escaping from the problems of life. It is a way to escape reality. I think people who develop addictions didn't learn healthy ways of dealing with their emotions and the problems of life.

I do think parenting can play a role in this. If a child is hurt or sad, do you give them a hug or a cookie? I think the parent who gives them a cookie is teaching them to turn to a substance (chocolate, sugar, food) instead of others for comfort. I think as parents, our job is to teach and model healthy ways of dealing with stress, problems and the little setbacks of life.

I also think if a child sees a parent smoke, or drink, or overeat when they are stressed or sad than they will learn that the way to dealing with stress and sadness is to turn to a substance. On the other hand, if a child sees a parent cope with stress or sadness in a healthy way, (talking to others, getting a hug, taking a walk, taking a bath, etc.) then they will learn healthy ways to cope with stress and sadness.

Of course, obviously there are many things which contribute to an addiction, but I do think the methods one learns of coping may play a part.

I also agree with granolamom and think a lack of self-love also plays a huge part as well.

[Dragonfly]

To put into context, I have not had time to read the rest of this thread.

A comment about 'boundaries' - I perceive providing a child with boundaries to be a very different thing than "laying down the law." Boundaries, IMO, provide a child with a framework for life within which they are able to have at least partial if not full control over themselves and their environment. Boundaries are empowering for a child with limited life experience - well, for anyone, really. As adults, knowing our boundaries saves us from trying to control everything outside of those boundaries that is uncontrollable which can, in turn, make us feel completely out of control. It seems clear to me, though I can't say why - just a gut feeling, I suppose - that children would experience this lack of control even more acutely (as they do with most everything). If they have no sense of what is truly and healthily controllable and, therefore, try to control everything around them, they could easily lose their center and feel out of control. Speaking as a "recovering addict" (for me, it's food addiction in the form of anorexia/bulimia), addiction is so much about feeling out of control and either escaping that feeling or trying desparately to control whatever one can.

Of course, being authoritarian and simply "laying down the law" removes control from a child just as effectively, so that's no way to go either.

Just thinking out loud.