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SO my husband just..

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
..left me and the kids today..
he said he needed time to think and see if he is depressed because I make him depressed, or if he is just depressed with life.

He was dx with bipolar II this past week. This is after a suicide threat the week before.The docs say he has been like this a long time-since childhood- and he has a lot of healing and communication skills work to do.

We have had a rough go of it he and I for the past 3 years.

I had cancer and had major chemo and radiation and have lost my libido. SO that adds to his sadness in addition to saying he misses the "old me." I don't know who the old me is any more. He says we both have changed. And I am not who I was when he married me. It makes him very sad.

He also announced today that he wants my 3 year old to now sleep by herself. Now mind you the poor baby has been through huge stressors lately and he does no nighttime parenting. SO I sleep with her and he sleeps in our bed alone. He does not want to sleep alone but he wants her too. The stupid docs at the hospital are working him good, telling him that co-sleeping is a no-no: We have co-slept with both of our children since birth and now he is deciding he doesn't like it? Or is able to say it easier now that he is going through treatment and they are working with him in being able to say what he needs. Nevertheless, I am left feeling that I have to make a choice her and honestly it is with my DD. I have offered to make a compromise with him and have us all sleep together not necessarily in the same bed, but in some kind of same room arrangement) and he told me he needs to think about it.

All this said, and yes there is much to this story, but my main issue here is he just gets up and leaves because he needs time to think. So he leaves me and the kids (7 & 3)so he can go have alone time. He gets alone time all the time and I get none?

He gets to go decide alone-no to his Mother's -whom his therapist said he needs to confront on some issues-and the woman (his mom) does not like me-to go decide what to do with our marriage.

NO he is not in a good mental state right now.
Have compassion for him?
I am trying.

But we have had serious issues arise in our lives and things have not been easy. He had an anger out burst in May that broke my foot. He said he does not want to do that any more.

He is claiming though now that I am what causes him to be angry and depressed.

We have had discussion on this many times and we have it pin pointed to other issues but something snapped yesterday and made him feel that it is all me.

I have no idea what happened in therapy yesterday, but something did and now hereI am with a unstable husband and him threatening to leave because it is all me? The man who just stood by my side while I was sick for 3 years is now going to consider leaving me.

What a deal...

comment if you like....
post #2 of 18
I am sorry that you are going through so much at once. Sometimes it seems we never get the break we need.

"He also announced today that he wants my 3 year old to now sleep by herself. Now mind you the poor baby has been through huge stressors lately and he does no nighttime parenting. SO I sleep with her and he sleeps in our bed alone. He does not want to sleep alone but he wants her too. The stupid docs at the hospital are working him good, telling him that co-sleeping is a no-no We have co-slept with both of our children since birth and now he is deciding he doesn't like it?"

I understand your husband wanting the child to sleep in her own bed, though. With everything that has happened, she has become another barrier to any intimacy, whether or not that actually involves sex. Times change, conditions change, circumstances change. Since there is no sex, the las spot of adult like contact he can arrange has a 3 year old in the middle of it. That is a hard thing to live with...not right, not wrong, but understandably difficult. It is no longer appropriate in light of the adult issues, IMHO.

I don't feel like the doctors are really working him, just going by your post. He is speaking up about his needs, regardless of his diagnosis. They don't have to tell him that the co-sleeping is a no-no, it just is, based on the issues that he is having. When something isn't working anymore, or is causing pain for the partner in the relationship, either change takes place or the relationship fails.

Since this has happened, have you reached a mental spot where you can make plans that will assure your have a roof over your head should this really be the end of the marriage? Have you tired a conversation with him, in the presence of a neutral therapist? It sounds like this needs to be addressed as a couple, with a couple's counselor, not him going to therapy alone. Has this been discussed?
post #3 of 18


Couldn't read and not respond. I agree that something is going on and they are working him (it's not "normal" to sleep with a 3 yr old you know : )

And I agree that some joint counseling is in order.

good luck.

-Angela
post #4 of 18
Okay, I have a lot of folks with bi-polar disorder in my life, it isn't easy-- plus, marriage isn't all that easy so I just wanted to give you a big hug Don't beat yourself up over it--it is an illness and not a moral thing. Don't try to moralize it too much--it is a illness. It sounds like you have been through a lot together. Could you write him a letter? Maybe he could read it in the space of being away...


Is there any way you can sleep with your 3 year old until she falls asleep and then go join your husband? This is what I do with my 3 year-old, granted, he is in the same room with his big brother...

I wish I could give you more, but hang in there. Do you have any friends you could go stay with for a night? Have a sleep over with the kids--you could get some support and not be alone? Even for a night?
post #5 of 18
As the wife of someone with mental illness, I know how hard it is. so you just need some hugs. Will he come back and work things through? I don't know. I am really sad for him right now. My husband's doc considers me a critical part of his care team. He wants me to attend at least every other appointment so he can get my perspective on how he's doing. That's the doc's insistence. My husband does not see himself clearly through his illness, I can't imagine how he'd be able to report progress or issues without me.

For your child, I have a few thoughts
1) he's leaving, he has no say in sleep arrangements while he's not there
2) if he comes back, you could consider transitioning her to her own bed. When we did this, we would lie down with her until she fell asleep for a long long time. Finally, when she was old enough to talk with us and reason through things, we left her to fall asleep on her own after we bought her a very special fairy night light that helped keep all scary things away, but could only be on when we weren't in the room. And we leave her door and our door open and she comes into our room almost every night and spends the rest of the night there. My husband can take her back if he wants, but he has to deal with it. I feel like she belongs with us if that's how she feels.
post #6 of 18
Thread Starter 
well..
I know now why he left... he will not be coming back-my choice..
he cheated on me with another patient in his therapy group..
he told me this and he said the therapists validated him by saying they see this happen all the time.

That's nice.

If they see it happen all the time then they need to alert the families of these people so they can be aware of the possiblity?

I wanted to support my husband through this and be there, but I cannot do that now. Maybe from a distance, but not as a couple.

This is just terrible.

I never in a million years.....no matter how bad things get in our marriage I never think about being attracted to someone else.
post #7 of 18
I'm so, so sorry. My x left under similar circumstances. "Depression" which I later found out was truly guilt because he was having an affair. My kids were 9, 5, and 4 months when he left. It's been just about four years now, and the kids and I are doing just fine. It still hurts at times - not so much that I want him (make that not that I want him at all!) just that I mourn an "intact" family.

It does get better - you're hurting now, but I have confidence that you will find the strength to get through this for you and your kids. I'm only a PM away if you want to talk to someone who has walked in your shoes and come out a stronger woman and better mother on the other side.
post #8 of 18
Many many to you.
post #9 of 18
So sorry mama.
post #10 of 18
I am so sorry.

As I understand it, he is telling you his psychiatrists and therapists are saying these things? I wouldn't believe it, it sounds manipulative and he is trying to not take responsibility for his actions. You don't deserve to be treated that way, and I am sorry you and your family is going through this.
post #11 of 18
I am so sorry you are going through this.

I feel like we are married to almost the same person. My H tells me I amthe cause of this sadness and depression, he also has problems with his mother from childhood that he just can't let go of, and I know he is having an emotional relationship with another woman (but he won't admit it). Plus, our counselor thinks he might also be bi-polar.

We have one final therapy session tonight - our conselor wants to give it one more try to work things out between us.
post #12 of 18
Thread Starter 
Thank you Mammas for the hugs and kind words..
I am grateful for your typing..

I did talk to the counselors yesterday and after much screaming and re-wording of my words or pretending to know more than I actually did, the counselor admitted to what he said, what they said, and that my husband and she were going to lunch together and the counselor knows they did meet outside of the therapy group.

The counselor said they do not encourage this type of thing but it does happen. She said it just happened 5 months ago and it is very fresh to them and they are going to address the issue. She said that they are considering kicking them both out of therapy because they broke the rules.
She did however put in there, so nicely, that they are adults and will do whatever they want.

I of course went off and told them they need to stop the co-ed therapy classes then if they anticipate this type of thing happening~ even more so if there are married people in counsel.

SO my husband did not even tell me the whole truth-he said there was no physical contact and he only saw her in the hospital. I got him to tell me more by telling him I talked to the counselors and her (which I did not) and then he told me he was at her house on my daughters birthday...my daughters birthday. He left after dinner telling me he was going to work at his Fathers. Instead 45 minutes after leaving, he was on the phone with her. I waited up for him that night and I finally went to be at 10:45pm because I was so tired, so I waited for him to come home so we could talk and he was at her house while I was sitting here waiting for him to come home.

So now he is begging to come home. Sorry as sorry can be.

I cannot have him here.

He broke my trust and lied to me. If he would of told me the whole truth-I do not know if I would feel different.
Even after I talked to him yesterday he turned around and called her after we talked. He said he was calling to tell her he was sorry.
Amazing...

I cannot believe he cannot get it in his head I am sitting here watching his minutes on his (my) cell phone.
post #13 of 18
wow, I think it's really sad these "professionals" are so ambivalent about intact families. Families are the best source of support for the mentally ill.

I don't know if this makes you feel better or not, but infidelity is very common in bipolar individuals. the illness clouds their judgment and increases their sexual and risk taking desires. Once stabilized and on an effective treatment course, it is no more common than in the general population. It sounds like your husband is not on the right treatment course.

I know it must be very painful for you. I feel very blessed that my husband never strayed. However, I'm not sure that his illness was any less painful for our family, and there are ways in which I have a hard time trusting him as a result of it. I am glad we've stayed together though and as he's gotten better, my trust has increased and I also now recognize when he's not doing well and can call the Dr. if his meds need changing...so we find ourselves in situations less frequently where trust is an issue.

I guess I'm saying that, having gone through mental illness with a spouse, I would be much less inclined to close the door on the marriage than you are. I understand the hurt and the betrayal, but I also know that there is hope, and if you loved him before all this happened, you can regain most of what has been lost if he's in the right treatment.

Of course if it's over, better that it's over now and you get him out of your life and your kids' lives as much as possible. There's so much ongoing pain in having a family member with mental illness that if it's not going to work, get as far away from it as you can.
post #14 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solange View Post
well..
I know now why he left... he will not be coming back-my choice..
he cheated on me with another patient in his therapy group..
he told me this and he said the therapists validated him by saying they see this happen all the time.

That's nice.

If they see it happen all the time then they need to alert the families of these people so they can be aware of the possiblity?

I wanted to support my husband through this and be there, but I cannot do that now. Maybe from a distance, but not as a couple.

This is just terrible.

I never in a million years.....no matter how bad things get in our marriage I never think about being attracted to someone else.
Oh my bleeping word!!! What kind of frickin therapists are these anyway? Oh mama, I'm so ticked off for you and your kids! He cheated... Illness or no, he cheated, and you're right not to take him back. But I feel so sad for you... Your DD now needs you to sleep with her more than ever IMO.
post #15 of 18
I'm so sorry you and your children have to go through this.
post #16 of 18
post #17 of 18
i'm so sorry i'm not surprised about the counsellor - many people don't think cheating is a big deal. but she is probably right that your husband would've done it anyway ... it's a very hurtful situation for you

post #18 of 18
Couldn't read and not post. I had a close friend go through this with her bipolar dh and it was so hard for her but she is doing well now. Many - you and your children will be stronger b/c of this.
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