Lack of support from DH

[Googy]

I am so upset about this...

In his defense before I rant, DH works a LOT. He is an accountant at a big-name firm in Boston and they work long hours, plus he has an hour commute each way. Plus we have a lot of house projects going on right now--I try to do as much of the work as I can (I mow the lawn, take the trash to the dump, do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, ironing, errands, etc.) but there are some things that only he can do right now (painting, carrying big heavy things up to the attic, etc.). He is also taking a graduate course online right now and has work to do for that.

HOWEVER, he seems to be starting to openly resent any little thing I ask of him. We started our childbirth class on Sunday, which I was soooo excited for, and we ended up having a HUGE fight both before and after the class. He's totally pi$$ed off about having to go to the class every Sunday night because its so time-consuming. He wants to do some quicky one-weekend hospital course and get it over with. My feeling is that childbirth is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever do (DD was breech, so she was a planned c-section--I've never been in labor), and I don't want the quickest preparation for it, I want the best preparation for it. We did the hospital course when I was pregnant with DD and we learned nothing. It was worthless. I really feel like if I am educated and prepared and have lots of strategies and DH's support that I can have the natural, unmedicated VBAC that I know is best for my baby. You have to understand--I'm a college professor--I'm one of those "education is the key" sort of people. I love information--I have to have all my questions answered and then I feel in control and confident. However, if DH can't be bothered to give a few hours of his time each week to helping me get ready to have this baby, I feel really lost and unsupported and upset. We have exercises that we're supposed to do every night as a part of the course. I asked him to do them with me tonight whenever was convenient for him (he's supposed to provide resistance and such) and he got all pi$$y, grumbling about how early he had to get up in the morning, and went to bed. I mean, its only like 5 minutes.

He really wants this baby and all that--this was very much a planned pregnancy. However, I think he has become very self-absorbed with his work and such, and he resents any deviation from "his" schedule. I just don't know how to deal with this. I'm trying so hard to respect his needs and his time, but the road goes both ways, you know?

Sorry, I really just needed to rant...I feel like this is something that I can't discuss with the people in my "real life." I love this board!

[Curlita]

Oh, honey. Big hugs. If you asked him to carve out some time to sit down and talk about this (when you're both calm and not in the middle of high emotions about his time versus your needs), would he? Could you tell him how you feel -- because you seem very clear about what the conflict is (i.e. that his resistance to dedicating some time makes you feel unsupported)? Are there some things you can mutually decide to take off of the collective plate or postpone until later?

Sometimes I think it is really hard to bridge the gap between the mom's experience of giving birth and dad's experience of bearing witness to the birth. Even when they try, I don't think that men understand what the experience can be to a woman.

And it seems to be common that husband's like the idea of a second child, but get into a mode pre-birth where they really want to focus on themselves because they know that the newborn phase is coming. Of course, that doesn't help you actually prepare for the coming of said newborn.

We are doing a VBAC birthing class on the day that happens to be our anniversary, and my husband's response to news that we were registered was, "So we won't be able to do anything fun that day?" I, on the other hand, thought that spending a day focusing on the birth of our second child would be a perfectly lovely way to spend an anniversary.

No solutions, but lots of sympathy and empathy.

[Isaac'sMa]

((((hugs))))

[melissakc]

My DH was the same way with my first pregnancy. I did all this research and chose the Bradley method, which is 12 weeks of classes (2-3 hours each, on a weeknight). He agreed but it was hard on him. He worked 12-hour days and then had to go straight to the class after work, where I'd meet him with a sandwich for his "dinner." After a few weeks he started to see how important the classes were, though. He knew nothing about childbirth and how things are done vs. should be done in the U.S. today, so it really opened his eyes. He's now a big advocate for unmedicated birth and midwifery care. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he may not even know why it's important, not just to you in your experience of childbirth (which is HUGE) but also to him--that he can be involved and important, that it can be very special and spiritual as opposed to medical, and you aren't going to have someone else "deliver" your baby to you, but you are going to BIRTH your baby and he will be there to support and witness the whole thing. I don't know if I'm making any sense.

My first thought, though, was that at this stage it starts to get real for dads, I think. My DH said to me yesterday, "It's only 3 months till baby time." We're both starting to panic a little.

I hope he'll come around!

As far as things around the house, it helps to moan and groan whenever you are doing something difficult. The other night I was on my hands and knees cleaning up the mess on the floor my DD made at dinner and I was kinda grunting and he was like, "Let me do that." Then I was lying down and told him I was having some BH contractions and they kinda hurt and he was all over me with getting me water, pillows, "Shouldn't you go to bed early tonight?" Maybe allow yourself to (appear to) be vulnerable and he'll help more. I bet he sees you as a strong capable woman, and that is awesome, but everyone deserves permission to take it easy during pregnancy. Let the dishes slack, forget to do the laundry one day, let him see that you're tired. Complain a lot about the heat and feeling big. It's all true! You don't have to be such a trooper. I'm not saying to be manipulative, just let him see you need help.

[Curlita]

Melissa raises a good point about educating husbands a bit about what pregnancy means physically. I remember during my first pregnancy having to do a "teachable moment" with my husband on a day when I'd taken the dog out for a walk and was just totally wiped out -- hi, I'm your wife, I'm pregnant, I'm hormonal, and I just can't do what I usually do, so I need YOU to pick up my slack. We had another one of these last night -- hi, I'm your wife, I'm totally hormonal and I need lots of love and reassurance and you need to check your sense of logic, fairness, and rationality at the door or I will continue to burst into tears at the drop of a hat and this is going to be a long three months.

Sometimes they are motivated, but they need a Cliff Notes version and a script.

[sorteep]

OH dear I am sorry... he prob feels totally swamped adn that was the last straw on his time.. it is too bad it was the birth class.. maybe he feels that it has "nothing" to do with him directly since youa re the one doing the physical irth?? maybe he could be helped to understand he plays a HUGE roll in the delivery..?? don't know.. many hugs

[monocyte]

s...

I agree with the pp's about dh/dp's just not getting it. We've been having some issues around here lately as well, and its tough. Do you think he's nervous/worried/etc about having to deal with a birth, vs a section? A friend of mine went through that, and it took a while for him to admit he felt out of control about having to participate in a VBAC. He needed to learn himself what birth was (she ended up leaving books/articles in his bag, emailing them, in the bathroom etc to fill him in a bit).

What about getting a birth companion book for him?


BTW, where are you?? You've got to be somewhat local to me if he's driving an hour to Boston...I'd love to meet up and vent!!

[Googy]

Thanks for all the tea and sympathy, ladies!

I do think he is just really overwhelmed right now, and I totally respect that, its just really hard sometimes feeling like the last priority, you know? I know he doesn't mean it that way, but its still hard. He's one of those who spends so much time worrying about the future that he forgets to live in the present.

I have talked with him about how much harder it is for me to do things right now. He doesn't handle it well, though. We will get upset with me for pushing myself, but he doesn't step up and realize that this means that HE should pick up some of the slack. If I don't do the work, it just sits there. Part of the problem, I think, is that he has not "connected" with this baby yet.

Monocyte, I'm in southern NH now (used to live in Boston), so in the opposite direction as you, but I still go into the city for my OB/midwife appointments (Longwood/Fenway area). Maybe we could meet up sometime!

I agree with you, too, that the VBAC is adding an issue here. He is TERRIFIED of labor (we've had some complications in the past--really bad, life-threatening hemmoraging and such when we lost our angel baby). I honestly think he would prefer that I have another c-section, just because he knows what to expect.

Oh well. C'est la vie. Things could definitely be worse!

[boogiemonster]

Originally Posted by Googy

I have talked with him about how much harder it is for me to do things right now. He doesn't handle it well, though. We will get upset with me for pushing myself, but he doesn't step up and realize that this means that HE should pick up some of the slack. If I don't do the work, it just sits there.

I hear you on this one. My DH has summers off (he's a teacher), and I'm producing a play and offering classes right now. I've been getting a fair amount of grumbling from his end lately, especially when I nudged him a few times too many to get the poster for the show done. I said (in a half-way joking manner but still directly enough that he knew I meant it), "Okay, let's do this. You be six months pregnant and working and I'll do all the hard stuff - like drinking beer and playing WoW." I think he got the point. Not that there have been any drastic changes to the beer and WoW thing, but he's grumbling less about me leaving him with DD to go and work.

It's frustrating to have to slow down when you're used to just being able to go, go, go, isn't it?

I hope things start looking up for you soon.

[StacieM]

(((HUGS)))

Maybe part of it is that HE has soooo much going on and he wants to make sure things in "his" world are "in order" prior to baby arriving and maybe he just feels like he's got sooo much going on it's tough for him to "give." I know it's not an excuse, but you both have a lot going on and I bet that he's got so much confidence in your abilities that he doesn't fully understand YOUR need (and how important HIS role is in it) to have EVERYTHING "in order" as far as preparation for delivery.

Sometimes men don't get it....they see labor and delivery as something that WE do while they are "there for us" but don't really know how important and how helpful they can be.

I hope this gets worked out soon so that it's not a "stress" in your life. Don't need extra of that....you sound like me...I mow the lawn too and some women look at me like "Why doesn't your husband do that?"

[LittleLlama]

I can totally relate, except my frustration is compounded by the fact that DH is a WAHD so is "there" but never available for long, long, long hours. It doesn't seem to matter how much I tell him I hurt or how overwhelmed I am... he's always got "something" just as bad :

It really sucks to realize that if I need ANYTHING done, I have to do it.

[GinaRae]

Your hubby sounds VERY much like mine, personality wise. While he was a bit hesitant (okay, a lot hesitant) to plan the baby, he DID plan it with me and then the pregnancy came and he backtracked a bit. He's very very busy with work, always thinking about the future instead of now, always worrying, and busy doing activities like working out to blow off steam. Okay, but I also need some coddling and help.

He's started to come around and then just recently in the past couple of weeks after he'd double booked himself and missed a MW appointment, he's started to take a little more time and be a little more gentle.

I've hot that point in the pregnancy where he can make me cry at the drop of a hat and if he raises his voice even a bit, or sounds irritated, I cry. I don't mean to, but the nice thing is, he's made sure to apologize and point out exactly what he did wrong while also explaining why he did x, y and z.

At that point, I don't want to hear it because I feel silly for crying and I am embarassed, but it's good to know he can apologize without prodding.

I don't know what would work to help your situation, but with any hope he can start to come around for you soon!!

[Googy]

I do think he's slowly coming around, actually. He's really grat most of the time, he just goes through phases where he gets really stressed and self-absorbed, and that can be very difficult to live with. I honestly think we are just both doing too much right now. This is why I quit my professorship--we just couldn't keep running so thin. I am just closing out at work now, and so I'm trying to have faith that things will be better once I'm not balancing so much, because then I can take on more of "our" work so he can focus on the stuff he has to do and thus alleviate some pressure. We'll see! Thanks again for all the support!

[LittleLlama]

Is he by chance an Aries?

[Googy]

Originally Posted by LittleLlama

Is he by chance an Aries?

I have no idea--he was born August 6th. What does that make him???

[LittleLlama]

Leo the Lion. Leader of the pride.

[GinaRae]

Again, sounds like my hubster.

I get more stressed about the mess in the house right now (because I am too tired to clean all the time) because I know the mess stresses him out too.

He's happy to do a load of dishes to help, etc, but he needs me in the home base running things smoothly to keep that bit off his shoulders. He needs to come home to a clean house to feel good. Needs to know I have things organized and arranged.

He won't really SAY this, but it's something I've learned by observation over the years and just figured out

I am a writer, work from home, volunteer, mother, keep house and more. Now the pregnancy has caused havoc on all fronts and he's more than once said he cannot wait until the baby comes (and not because he can't wait to meet him/her!)

[AKmomof2+1inNov]

I totally relate to this too. My DH depends a lot on me and I'm usually ok with that. But right now, I'm having a hard pregnancy, working 2-3 days a week-but it's long hours and involves driving about 5 hours each time I work, and taking care of the house (ok-the house is a MESS) and the kids.

I would feel so much better if he just smiled and said he understood instead of the silent treatment when things are a mess. But instead he makes me feel bad and that makes things even worse. I don't think it's on purpose, but it would be so nice to have him try to understand what it's like being pregnant. Or offered to watch the kids so I could rest instead of suggesting I clean...

It's funny how many men can see that they need "their time" but never see how their SO's might need that too. I guess it's because they just don't see our work as work. And the bad thing is my DH has been a SAHD, so you'd think he's be more understanding, but no. When I was working and he was staying home as soon as I walked in the door I was back on full time mom duty. If I did that to him he's go off the deep end.

[Googy]

Yeah, I'm at the point of considering negotiating for a vacation plan!!! Seriously, though--he gets taken out to fancy lunches at work, he gets to drive in his quiet car every day and listen to audio books, and when he comes home his work doesn't go with him, you know? My job never ends, and the fanciest lunch I get is a peanut butter sandwich! Sometimes I feel that men want a lot of symathy for working so hard so that they can "let" their SO's "luxuriate" at home with the kids. Let me tell you, as someone who's done both working and SAHM, this staying home thing is a rough and thankless job sometimes. Not to mention, SAHMs don't get performance reviews, positive feedback, a bonus structure, vacation time, etc. I'm really considering negotiating for some of this...

[GinaRae]

Too funny!!
And so true!

I showed some bad behavior over one of DH's coworkers earlier in the pregnancy. I am SO NOT the jealous type, but I was acting like a moron at that point. However, I finally figured out what it was...

The trigger was that he mentioned he was going on a long sales call with someone. A woman. She's attractive (I asked!) but it wasn't about that in the end.

It took a few days but I realized that it's because his coworkers, male and female, get to see him every day in his finest. He's charming and funny and smart and everyone likes him.

They get dinners and lunches and meetings with him. They get to fly off to places like Hawaii or Vegas with him once in a while. I know it's work, but they get all his good moods! I hear the way he speaks to people on the phone and all the jokes and I get a little green.

When he comes home he's tired, hungry, sore, annoyed, and during the first 5 months he was in a bad mood. I would KILL for all that commute time by myself! But he complains.

I suppose it's the same for him a bit, as he doesn't get my good moods much either, but I do try and reserve a smile and nice hello and bite my tongue that the lawn still isn't done (and I feel too crappy to pick up the slack).

So anywhoo, I can totally relate!