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My husband committed suicide last month

post #1 of 81
Thread Starter 
My h had so many problems and he refused to get help. We had a pretty rocky last few months, he was abusive and was escalating to the point that the night I left with my daughters (July 8th into the 9th) he was standing next to our bed with the most evil look on his face that I'd ever seen in my life and him screaming and pointing at me and calling me an f-ing bit@h and a c*nt. I was so afraid of him at that point that once he left for work, I called my mom and was out of there. I keep thinking that all he had to do was reach down and choke me, or start beating on me and I couldn't get away, since I was laying in bed with my girls around me. It could've gone so bad.

It was getting to the point that my 2 year old was afraid of him, hiding under tables when he'd rage, and coming to me covering her ears. It was not a healthy situation for my dd's to be in. Earlier that day, he had taken my car keys (which I later found), my zoloft, and my cell phone, telling me that I couldn't have them b/c I wasn't living up to my end of our marriage.

I went to get a pfa on July 11th and he was served that night. We stopped getting phone calls from him after that; my mom's boyfriend and one of my brothers went to my home on the 12th to get the carseats back (he came and took them away the day before I got the pfa) but there was no answer. I thought that maybe he was still asleep from working and he didn't hear us as he was a pretty heavy sleeper.

We left and didn't hear anything until the 15th when the police called my mom's house asking if I'd heard from him and when I said no, they asked if I had a key and I told them that I did and they asked if I could meet them at the station.

I took 2 of my brothers with me and when we got there, the officer told me that a friend of his called them b/c he had been trying to get hold of my h on his cell phone but he never answered. I was pretty much sure of the fact that he killed himself b/c he never not answered his cell.

We go up to the house and the police made us wait outside; after a while, they came out and told me that my h had indeed killed himself. He hung himself in his weightroom. He left a note that they took and wrote a note on a picture of our girls that he had with him. They said that he had been down there a couple of days. I never imagined that he'd kill himself. I'm guessing he must've done it right after he got the pfa.

My neighbors told me that everyone on our block heard him screaming and carrying on. We had one call the police a couple of weeks before he killed himself. They told me that since they hadn't seen our cars move, they thought that it was the girls and myself who had been killed. When they saw me the day the police found him, they told me that they were getting ready to call the police because they were so worried.

His family, who doesn't like me and hasn't talked to him in over a year or more, didn't speak to me at the funeral; I guess they blame me for what happened. Now they're calling almost everyday, they want some of his things; quite frankly, I don't think my h would've wanted them to have any of it. They treated him badly, his step dad threatened to beat him over the head with a 2x4 a few months before this, and his mom threatened to hit him while he was holding our middle child before she was a year old.

I have been staying with my girls at my mom's house and will be until I finish nursing school in 2009. I can't go back to my home, I mean I've gone back to get some things, but it seems so empty and sad there and I can't go into our basement.

My girls are doing well, the oldest is 4 and she understands a little bit; she's angry b/c he died, she doesn't know what he did, I told her that daddy had an accident. My other 2, who are 2 and the baby just turned 1 on July 28th, don't understand.

I still can't believe that he did what he did. I find myself being angry at him for taking away our girls father, for not being strong enough to get the help that I had told him so many times that he need; for him blaming me for every problem that he had.

I just wanted to post this here b/c I know that some people have followed my story on the parents as partners board and didn't think or know if I should post it there.

Thanks for reading.....it's weird knowing that I'm a widow at the age of 30 and that my daughters no longer have a dad who will never see them grow up, graduate from high school and college, or walk them down the aisle if they get married. But then again, he may not have stayed around as I was getting ready to leave him anyway. I just wonder how many other people blame me for what happened.

It's weird b/c in a way, I haven't been crying or feel very sad; I guess I feel relief; relief for an end to his abuse, relief for him b/c maybe now he finally has peace from whatever demons he had going on inside of his head.
post #2 of 81
I am so so so sorry mama.
post #3 of 81
Wow, what a tragedy all the way around. I don't really know what to say. I'm relieved for you that you are out of an abusive situation, but so sad for you and your family that it had to be at the expense of his life. I hope he is at peace.

I will be praying for peace for you and your girls.
post #4 of 81
s: I can't imagine how your family must be feeling right now. I'll be thinking of you.
post #5 of 81
Thread Starter 
Another thing that bothers me is not knowing the exact date the he died, they just said that his date of death was July 15th, when he was found; even though it was apparent that he had been dead for a few days. I don't know why it bothers me, but it does. I guess cause it's not "right."

He even used the carseats to prop open the door to the room he hung himself in, and had told my brothers in one of his last messages that the carseats aren't in the van, that they are in the basement...I guess he wanted us to find him.

I keep thinking of his last moments over and over, keep trying to figure out what was going on in his mind, why he didn't change it, why as he was getting things "ready" that he didn't think better of what he was doing. I keep imaging how it all played out, and what happened at the end.
post #6 of 81
I'm sorry. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
post #7 of 81
many s to you and the girls. I couldn't read without posting.
post #8 of 81

Just keep doing what you need to to keep your family strong...
post #9 of 81
I am sorry.
post #10 of 81
I am so sorry.

I work for an organization that provides support to people bereaved by suicide. I googled to see if there is a group in your area, and there is:


We have a researcher working with us who has surveyed a large number of suicide survivors as part of his research and they do say that talking to other survivors is helpful.

I wish there was something good to say--

post #11 of 81
I'm so sorry.
post #12 of 81
I'm so, so sorry. I lost a close cousin to suicide in 1995. He'd have been 33 on Thursday.

You and your children are in my prayers.
post #13 of 81
I'm so sorry.
post #14 of 81
post #15 of 81
Couldn't read with out posting. I'm so sorry that the last few months with him were so horrible. I hope that there are good memories too. Hugs to you Mama. You'll make it thru nursing school and you'll be one kick ass nurse. Hold your babies close and take the time to heal.
post #16 of 81
catlvr976, I am so sorry. I can't imaging what you are going through.

Like the pp, I'm glad that you are no longer in the abusive situation. But I'm so sorry that THIS was the way out.
post #17 of 81
You and your girls are in my thoughts, surrounded by love and peace.
post #18 of 81
post #19 of 81
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone for your replies. And thanks for the link captain optimism, I'll have to check that out. I was wondering if there was a support group in my area.

It's hard to read books and things about suicide b/c they all seem geared to people that have had normal relationships--I haven't really found one that dealt with suicide after an abusive relationship and the feelings that it entails.

I do wish that things had turned out differently and do wish that I knew what he was thinking, and why he chose to end his life so alone. I know that I'm only human and can't save everyone, but that doesn't make it any easier. I just wish he wouldn't have been so stubborn and gotten the help he needed. He never talked about suicide, never gave any hints, or maybe he did but they were so subtle that I or anyone else he talked to, never saw them; this just came out of the blue.
post #20 of 81
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