My husband committed suicide last month - Page 4

[A&A]

I know you don't have much money but perhaps you could pay someone to go over to your other property so you don't have to be so close to his mother.

[daniedb]

Well, doesn't she sound like a piece of work! Sheesh. I don't know if you're open to advice about her, but if you are...I would do whatever I could to keep her at a looooong distance. I don't know if you want your girls to grow up with her as an involved grandmother, or what the deal is there, but if it's not a helpful relationship to you and your girls, I would be working to cut most, if not all, ties with her at least for the time being. She sounds incredibly hurtful and toxic. So does the rest of that family, what with leaving you and y'all's girls out of the funeral service as much as possible. It just sounds crazymaking. It sheds light on why he may have had some of his problems, perhaps.

And again, my deepest condolences to you and your daughters.

[Joyce in the mts.]

Supportive thoughts come... J.

[BurgundyElephant]

Hey Mama - I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. People do and say horrible things when faced with death and your former in-laws are certainly doing that.

Just some random ideas here:

I know it sucks, but I would clear out everything of your late husband's that you know you won't want to save for your kids. I would then take it to a storage unit and pack it in there. Have someone give the key to your in-laws. If they don't pick it up it will be sold at auction. Most of those places have the first month free. I would then rent a second unit (probably at a different location so you don't have to see the in-laws) and move the stuff you want to save in there.

When you say you can't live there, do you mean mentally? Because if you think it has a bad energy, then try clearing it, or move out. Spruce up the place a bit, and list it on the market as a fixer upper, which gets people excited that they think they'll get sweat equity, and move on. Why hasn't the other house sold?

As far as the 401K, don't tie that money up in stuff for your girls education right away. While that sounds great, you will need money to live on or that will come in handy. Social security for your kids only goes so far. I would also check into WIC right away. When they are older if they need they can get grants or loans for schools at low interest rates - why completely scrimp now to save 4% later?

As far as the in-laws go, maybe just let them know you will occasionally send pictures of the grandkids but for right now you'd prefer to not be contacted. That completely sucks about the shoddy treatment you and they received at the funeral and afterward... but you have to let it go. s

[Peppermint]

Thinking of you and your girls... I am so sorry.

[catlvr976]

Believe me, my kids don't see his mother; as a matter of fact, my husband was the one who pretty much cut off contact with her as he couldn't deal with her and her toxicity any more. My girls don't even know who she is. We were at a wedding in June and she was there and shetook my oldest to show her something and she came up to me and said "mommy, that lady took me to show me something." I asked her who and she pointed to her and said her. I told her who she was and she just said, oh.

But yeah, I DON'T want her around my kids as I don't want them turning out like my h did. NO THANK YOU.

As far as my other home and why it hasn't sold, I'm not sure. It's a half of a duplex, rather small and I guess with the housing market being like it is, who really wants to buy half a house? We fixed up the kitchen, it has new windows, the bathroom was redone, so I have no idea. As far as the house we were living in, I just don't know that I could live there ever again. I don't think that I could ever go down in the basement without imagining my h in his last moments of life, imagining him getting everything ready, forever be reminded of his suicide, KWIM? When I have gone into the house to feed the cats and pick up a few things for the girls, the house seems so empty and feels sad. I know that sounds corny, but it's the truth. I went there last week and was looking at everything we were supposed to do and I was thinking back to where I was standing in the front yard when the police told me what he'd done. I go in the house and think about what he did and just make up what he did and what he was doing before he decided to kill himself and I can't help doing it, it just happens. I don't think I could live like that in that house for that reason. Does that make sense??

Right now we're living with my mom and she's fine with us being there. She said I can stay as long as I need to. I start school (nursing school) this week and she says that it'll be easier on the kids as I won't have to drive them anywhere to be babysat while I'm in class and they can just fall asleep and not have to be roused from sleep and taken back home since I'm taking evening classes.

So in a way, my money situation is ok. I help out here with cleaning and buying food and stuff, my other (newer) van is gone and I have an old paid for by my brother van that he bought for me when my h took the new van away and I didn't think that I'd have a car again, so no car payment. We get WIC and they get CHIP from the state. We get social security, and I'm going to roll over his 401k, otherwise if I took it out, I'd have to pay something like 20% in taxes on it. They said that I'll be able to take money out as I need to.

I'm just really feeling nervous since I'm starting school. I need to do good for my girls, so that I can get an RN position and be able to provide for them. If I fail, it'll feel like I've failed them.

As far as his family goes, I avoid them. I am always on the lookout when I go to the grocery stores because I've seen them there a couple of times. That's another reason I want to do well in school is so that I can get an RN degree and move away from here, maybe up north to the area where my mom has a cabin since the girls love it up there, it's real country and lots of farms and just nature is all around. Then best of all, I'll never have to worry about seeing his family and their messed up ways ever again.

[Doodlebugsmom]

Jessica, I know you probably don't really "know" me here, but I've thought about you often since you've been a member of MDC. (Probably because you live fairly close to me, and there aren't many MDC mamas in my area). I just now found this thread, and I am so sorry that you and the girls are going through this. Many times I read your post in Parents as Partners and wished that I lived just a little closer to you so I could help you in any way possible.

I was totally shocked when I opened this thread. I followed your posts in PaP, so I know your dh did have some problems, but nobody is ever suspecting suicide. My grandfather attempted suicide when I was in college, and I was just floored. Thankfully he survived and got the help he needed and lived very happily for a couple more years.

I know you will be strong for yourself and your girls. You can make it through school and be successful. I know you can do it.

[Steady101]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Your husband was abusive to you and scared your young children. It was so bad you did not feel safe with him. He was probably mentally ill. I hate to say it this way but you are better off without him. You have probably had these thoughts and many conflicting emotions.

My abusive father died of cancer when he was in his early 50s. Why couldn't my mother have divorced him or he have died when I was a child and saved her, me, and my sister from years of physical and emotional abuse. Divorce was not common in the 60s when I was a child. My mom is so much happier now but feels 'guilty' that she is glad he is dead.

You don't have to worry about divorce, custody, visitation, or child support. You will make excellent money as a nurse, one of my sons is a nurse and he can make over $50 an hour when he works overtime.

You are getting a 'do over.' My second husband was abusive once and I thew him out. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and wouldn't take medications. I was pregnant and have been a single mother of three sons for 19 years. I have 2 master's degrees and have all my coursework done for a doctorate. I homeschooled and one of my sons is a nurse, one is a medical lab tech, and the youngest is still homeschooling. I've enjoyed being a single mom. My youngest son's father has only met my son once.

You are so lucky your mother will help you. Nursing school is not easy. There are professors/instructors that think it is their job to make students lives miserable and to try to make them fail. Ask around and try to avoid those classes. Try not to take too many courses at once to get done as soon as possible. If you can get a job at a hospital for even a few hours a week it can be really helpful for your coursework, getting a job, and starting a job.

My son started a nursing progam when he was 16 and worked as a cardiac tech on weekends at a hospital. He graduated at 19 and was able to get a job in a cardiac intensive care unit. By the time he was 21 he was a charge nurse. I hope nursing school works our well for you. There are so many different kinds of jobs you can do with a RN.

[zonapellucida]

I am sorry mama s to you and your family I just do not know what to say other than I am glad you are now safe

[corwinegall]

[laoxinat]

so sorry

I am so sorry for your loss, mama. Suicide is the ultimate selfish act. It leaves everyone behind to clean up the mess. It sounds to me like your ex MIL's behavior is a clue to your h's mind-set. Though depression is chemical, behavior and thinking contributes to the chemical mix a great deal.
I am glad you will soon have school to apply yourself to. Nursing is a profession that always seems to have jobs available. It is also a profession with a high rate of burnout and stress related retirement and disablity. During your academic and clinical rotations, pay close attention to your gut so you can find an area of expertise that you feel truly passionate about. Keep in mind too the need for you to recover yourself and your own self worth. I was married to a depressd, controlling, abusive man for many years. Those of us who put ourselves in these situations need to very mindful. It is NEVER okay for someone to abuse, AND when queried, virtually all of us can see that had we been alert to signs, we might have saved ourselves some heartache. This is NOT to blame you, but to encourage you to find peace and healing so you don't find yourself in a similar situation later on. As your girls get older, be alert for signs they are ready to hear the truth, especially the part about depression being an illness, and that this choice on dad's part was made while not in his right mind.
Peace to you and dds.
laoxinat

[Rainbowbird]

Like the other PPs, I couldn't read this and not say something. I am so sorry for you and your girls. But I am so glad that you and your dds escaped any injury or worse abuse. His mother sounds like a complete nutjob and I'm sorry she is being so bizarre and mean. I'm glad that you can stay with your mom and that you're going to school. I know you will rebuild your life and you and your girls will find happiness again. Do not blame yourself for what happened. He had some serious problems, obviously; he was an abuser, and there was nothing you could do to "make" him better. He had to do that himself. Take care of yourself and your little ones.

[Spastica]

If you haven't - you can join the young widows forum at www.ywbb.org - there are several widow(er)s there who lost a spouse or partner to suicide. They may be of some help in advice on how to handle post-death situations as well as coping.

[Blu Razzberri]

Originally Posted by catlvr976

...It's hard to read books and things about suicide b/c they all seem geared to people that have had normal relationships--I haven't really found one that dealt with suicide after an abusive relationship and the feelings that it entails. ...

Perhaps you could be one of the first to write a book that fits this need..? Even if you never publish it; it might be theraputic for you....a release; an outlet to sort through your emotions. It would definitely be an odd feeling; as I imagine that part of you is devastated while the other part is relieved with a side of guilty.

On that note; many 's to the devastated part of you. I'm sure you flashback to the happy times and wonder what happened. But in no way should the guilty side of you feel responsible. As one of the PP's said, thank goodness he took only himself; as his rage seemed enough to take all of you. I'm glad you got yourself and your girls out in time!!

As for his mother and family.....boy do they have audacity! You took alot of garbage in your relationship, and you deserve more than any of them, to be in a place of honor at his funeral. You tried to make your marriage work, and when you feared for your safety and that of your girls, you put your girls first.....that's what a good mother does. It was in no way your fault that your husband did what he did; do NOT let her convince you otherwise. She's a spiteful, mean, nosey and jealous person. Don't let her bully you into getting what she wants, just because she wants it. She will get what you give her; those are your belongings and you have a right to them. I believe the "court" will agree with that. If you have to go back to the rental house; take someone (your brother?) who won't be afraid to step in and tell her to back off.

As for your MDC family; we will honor you and your girls here.

We will honor you as his loving wife. We will honor his adoring girls. We will remember your husband, and despite his distress, we know that lost inside him was the wonderful man you married. We will help you through the bad times; and celebrate the good.

<< One for each of you.

[ShadowFire]

Just thinking of you. I am not a very big poster here, but I have followed your posts, and I am so sorry. I know it has been 2 months now, I hope you are finding some peace.

[baileyandmikey]

i am so sorry for your loss (((hugs)))) to you and your children

[carmel23]

((((Hugs)))))

I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not blame yourself. When a good friend of mine who was clearly going downhill mentally committed suicide I felt so responsible for a long time. Now I know there is nothing I could have done.

Take care of yourself and your girls.

Hugs. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by catlvr976

I just wonder how many other people blame me for what happened.

I'm so sorry for your loss and your dds' loss. If it is true that his mother & stepfather treated him so, his pain goes way before your marriage. Taking his own life had nothing to do with you. {{{{HUGS}}}}

[mandib50]

thinking of you and your babies. i'm sorry your husband chose to leave the world this way.