(Long Rant)Why must people crawl out of the woodwork?

[NightRose]

Just needing somewhere to vent, I guess. I will be 40 weeks tomorrow. Everything is going great; I have all of my homebirth supplies and everything I need for baby, I am physically and mentally ready for this show to get rolling, dh and my two dd's (ages 17 and 5) are really excited and looking forward to being here for the birth of their sibling, and I've nested like nuts so my house is quite clean.
I have had a few friends and family members express a little bit of concern about my choice to homebirth which isn't surprising... I'm kind of the non-mainstream, unschooling, cosleeping, extended bfing, non-vaxing, ap parenting black sheep of the crowd, so I expected a little bit of 'feedback' on this decision too. It hasn't been too bad, mostly just a few safety concerns and such, and I don't mind answering their questions to help rest their fears. The problem is my 14 year old son, or rather his dad... "the ex" whom he lives with. His dad is twitchingly mainstream. He wants more than anything for our son to wholly subscribe to beliefs of and conform to society's mainstream 'norm'. He feels this will make our son's life easier. And unfortunately he can't seem to keep his opinions of my non-mainstream lifestyle to himself, but rather chooses to impose them on our son. And apparently, my decision to have an unmedicated homebirth came under fire this past weekend.
Throughout this whole pregnancy, my son has been fine with that thought. When he has had questions, I have answered them honestly and clearly. I gave all three of my children the choice as to whether or not they wanted to be with me or even in the same house during the birth. My youngest wants to be there for everything, and the more modest older two said they wanted to be there for everything that didn't include seeing mom naked.
Now that this birth can happen any day, my son is apparently not allowed to come to my house until after the birth of his sibling. And "the ex" has even gone so far as to have our son offer to let my oldest daughter come stay with him (they've always hated each other) because he doesn't feel it is right of me to subject my children to having to watch their mom go through "a medical emergency like childbirth". Those were his words!! And our son is now terrified and keeps asking me over and over if I'm really going to go through with it and am I sure I won't reconsider and telling me it's just not normal and I won't be able to handle the pain and the baby could die... he says he's going to keep calling everyday to make sure I'm ok and I certainly don't want to ever tell him he can't call me, but when he does call now it's like his dad has him on a mission to try to talk me out of it. : And he tells me last night "Mom, how can you sound so calm and relaxed about this??? You should be terrified!! You could go into labor any minute and not have time to get to the hospital!!!" :
It just so sad to see my son in such a panic and I wish I could yell at his dad for making him feel that way, but it's just how his dad is. He sees us as total opposites... he is supposedly the logic minded, level-headed one and I am apparently the wild child anarchist that he needs to protect our son from. And right now he's just waiting like a vulture for ANYTHING to go wrong with my birth plan so he can prove to our son that he's right. I just want my my son to be able to relax and have faith that his mom and new sibling will be safe and healthy.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I think this is the last big thing hanging over me pending this birth and I just really needed to get it off my chest.
::: Deep breath::: Whew. OK, I'm ready. Come on Baby!!!

[mommaduck]

how horrible...he's emotionally traumatizing your son! Do you have any rights on visitation with him?

[NightRose]

Originally Posted by mommaduck

how horrible...he's emotionally traumatizing your son! Do you have any rights on visitation with him?

Yes, I have him on the weekends and alternating holidays. I guess I should have known something was up when he asked if he could keep our son last weekend for "school clothes shopping". I hadn't even made the connection at the time that it was just after having told my son I was beginning to have some decent Baby hugs (contractions).

[klg47]

I'm so sorry! It's hard enough when parents/grandparents express doubt, but when your son is affected this strongly, it's a thousand times worse. I hope you're able to get emotionally prepared and that your son can get some peace over this! Is your son religious? If so, him praying to his higher power for peace and reassurance could help.

[danotoyou2]

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this! What a rotten dad for terrifying his son that way! Even if HE thinks that you're endangering yourself, he shouldn't be telling a BOY (because 14 is still a boy, whether he wants to believe it or not) that his mother could die! That's a horrible thing for a kid to worry about.

If he were really so concerned, he should call you up and try discussing it with you.

Maybe you could write him a letter/e-mail, describing your back-up plans to transfer to a hospital if needed, and include some excerpts from studies that show that homebirth is safe?

The son's comments about "not getting to the hospital on time" illustrate that these two guys really don't have a clue. Lots of women wait until they're practically pushing before going to the hospital, and many doctors recommend doing that!

Just so you don't feel alone... I'm birthing at my midwife's office (3 hours away in a city with good hospitals), and my brother DOES NOT approve. He thinks I should go into a hospital and have a repeat cesarean. But, I'm close to his wife, and had asked her to help my mother with babysitting my DS while I'm in labor. I figured it might be a little much for my mom to be worrying about me, and watching a toddler, so she could use some help. So, a few days ago my mother calls to tell me that my brother has put his foot down and refuses to allow my SIL to come help, due to the lame excuse that he doesn't want their daughter to be babysat by our other brother (she's 9, very self sufficient, and he's a very responsible guy who lives at home and spends about as much time with her as her own parents do).

As though, just because of some meddling and stubborn ignorance, we're going to decide to give up our SAFE homebirth and go into a dirty hospital with crappy doctors? Sheesh.

[NightRose]

Originally Posted by klg47

I'm so sorry! It's hard enough when parents/grandparents express doubt, but when your son is affected this strongly, it's a thousand times worse. I hope you're able to get emotionally prepared and that your son can get some peace over this! Is your son religious? If so, him praying to his higher power for peace and reassurance could help.

He's not really religious... his dad has tried to send him off to various churches with his family members (Catholic, Baptist, Protestant) but only a couple times here or there and not enough to learn much, and his dad isn't a man of any faith to speak of so he isn't much help there. I have tried to share my beliefs with him (Native American/Nature based) but his dad threw a fit over that too. It is a good idea though... maybe I could try talking with him to see if anything he's picked up along the way and held on to could help him feel a little better.

[klg47]

Originally Posted by NightRose

It is a good idea though... maybe I could try talking with him to see if anything he's picked up along the way and held on to could help him feel a little better.

Maybe even non-religious meditation or something?

[4daughters]

How horrible a dad makes his son feel so terrified. Hope things work out. Perhaps your son can watch some homebirth videos or read a book about it and it will put him at ease.

[mom22girls]

Are you doing a UC or would a chat with a midwife be possible?

[NightRose]

Originally Posted by danotoyou2

Maybe you could write him a letter/e-mail, describing your back-up plans to transfer to a hospital if needed, and include some excerpts from studies that show that homebirth is safe?

I actually gave him a printout from my midwife when I was 3 months pg in regards to homebirth statistics. He and his wife were trying to conceive at the time and he had asked about it. I guess I can take it from his current reaction that they will be birthing in the hospital in January.

Originally Posted by danotoyou2

Just so you don't feel alone... I'm birthing at my midwife's office (3 hours away in a city with good hospitals), and my brother DOES NOT approve. He thinks I should go into a hospital and have a repeat cesarean. But, I'm close to his wife, and had asked her to help my mother with babysitting my DS while I'm in labor. I figured it might be a little much for my mom to be worrying about me, and watching a toddler, so she could use some help. So, a few days ago my mother calls to tell me that my brother has put his foot down and refuses to allow my SIL to come help, due to the lame excuse that he doesn't want their daughter to be babysat by our other brother (she's 9, very self sufficient, and he's a very responsible guy who lives at home and spends about as much time with her as her own parents do).

As though, just because of some meddling and stubborn ignorance, we're going to decide to give up our SAFE homebirth and go into a dirty hospital with crappy doctors? Sheesh.

I'm sorry you are going through this too... one has to wonder what makes some people think that them throwing a tantrum will change our minds with all of the soul-searching and research most of us put in to our birthing decisions. :

[NightRose]

Originally Posted by klg47

Maybe even non-religious meditation or something?

Exactly... even if I can just convince him to try to forget all of the stuff his dad is drilling into him and just have him search his own feelings. I keep asking him what his direct fears and concerns are, but he doesn't really seem to have any which is what really tells me it's just his dad is getting to him. Otherwise it would seem that he would have more specific concerns.

Originally Posted by 4daughters

How horrible a dad makes his son feel so terrified. Hope things work out. Perhaps your son can watch some homebirth videos or read a book about it and it will put him at ease.

That would be what "I" would do... that's why my daughters are so comfortable with the whole thing. They've watched videos with me and I've read lots of birth stories with them. His dad has forbid it though. I offered to let his dad watch them first, but he doesn't think a child should ever be subjected to the trauma of witnessing a woman birthing (thusly why he offered to have my oldest stay with them while I birthed. : ) and apparently reading such things is like soft porn to him. He has a very "interesting" view of the male role during childbirth. The men plant the seed and shouldn't really have much else to do with it until the baby has been cleaned up and dressed by the hospital. Makes me feel for his pregnant wife.
I very much appreciate the suggestions though... it's good to know others think like me too.

Originally Posted by mom22girls

Are you doing a UC or would a chat with a midwife be possible?

Actually, I have taken my son to three of my prenatal appointments with my midwife and let him sit in, and she even asked him if he had questions or comments. Aside from thinking her 15 year old dd was cute, he didn't have much to say. I asked him about it later and he said it was really neat and she seemed so much nicer and more informative than doctors. I reminded him about my midwife and her experience and all on the phone last night and he said "I'm not worried about what she knows, I'm just worried about what might happen to you or the baby."


All in all, I have reminded him that I am, quite literally, only five minutes away from the hospital. He knows that if anything should happen, we'd be there in a heartbeat. I think that may be the most frustrating thing... I really would have thought that this above all would calm his fears and it hasn't. :

[NightRose]

So I was pondering on this further still... my son wants me to call him or his dad as soon as I officially go into labor. He had actually said this sort of excitedly on Monday because he wants to make plans to come over just after the babe arrives. But after the call with him last night I got to thinking... unless I can calm his fears before then, it may just cause him to get more freaked out and stressed waiting for the baby to be born and waiting to hear from me. I was thinking about taking his calls and still trying to talk him through the fears as much as I can until labor hits, but not calling him until after the baby is born. That way, by the time I do call he can see that his mom and baby sibling are just fine and maybe skip over the unneeded worry? Is that awful of me? I feel bad for considering it because I did say I would call when went into labor, but I just don't know if I will have enough time to undo the damage his father has done. I really rather hope it's a nice quick labor so I legitimately have a reason for not calling right away if I go that route...
What would you do?

[Blue Belle]

: Yes, I definitely think you should wait to call him as you suggested! No need to cause either of you any more stress. I bet he will be overjoyed when he sees you and his new sibling!

I'm sorry for you and your son's distress. It sounds to me like your ex has some serious personal issues regarding women and childbirth. But thankfully because of your influence, I suspect your son will soon learn to think for himself. Best of wishes on your magical day! (I'm "due" today too yay!)

[mommaduck]

Is your son public schooled? If so, then by 14, he has definately been exposed already to sex ed...both formally (school) and informally (peers). Sheesh...like anything you would show him would be a shock (trauma : )

[twilight girl]

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I really wouldn't call at the beginning of labor either, just thinking on the paranoid side, if your ex is so anti-home birth, he might do something like call an ambulance to your house if he knows you're in labor and he really thinks childbirth is a medical emergency.

As for your son, I would try to approach the whole thing with him from the perspective of "there are things men know, and there are things women know. Has a single man in the history of humankind EVER given birth to a baby? Okay, now that we've established that women give birth to babies, let's talk about who is in a better position to determine what is safe or unsafe ...." If you haven't already, tell him that hospital/doctor births do have their place for women who have high risk pregnancies, but that yours is perfectly normal, etc, etc, etc.

Good luck with your birth. I hope your ex doesn't intrude so much as to ruin your birth experience

[ashleep]

:

that was *exactly* what I was thinking.


Also, I know you don't want to make your son feel unwelcome to call you, but he's old enough to hear that you don't want/need to hear his (same) concerns every call. Maybe tell him (after explaining the men/women bit from twilightgirls post) you apreciate his concern but if he can't accept/respect your decision then you'd rather not discuss it further.


Good luck mama!

[NightRose]

Originally Posted by mommaduck

Is your son public schooled? If so, then by 14, he has definately been exposed already to sex ed...both formally (school) and informally (peers). Sheesh...like anything you would show him would be a shock (trauma : )

Yes, he is public schooled. And that was my thought too... but it seems that, to his father, knowing about sex is normal for a teenage boy, but knowing the graphic details of birthing isn't natural at his age. I find that funny... my thought would be that maybe knowing more about birth and reproduction in general might help a kid think twice about unprotected sex. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my behalf.

[NightRose]

Originally Posted by twilight girl

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I really wouldn't call at the beginning of labor either, just thinking on the paranoid side, if your ex is so anti-home birth, he might do something like call an ambulance to your house if he knows you're in labor and he really thinks childbirth is a medical emergency.

As for your son, I would try to approach the whole thing with him from the perspective of "there are things men know, and there are things women know. Has a single man in the history of humankind EVER given birth to a baby? Okay, now that we've established that women give birth to babies, let's talk about who is in a better position to determine what is safe or unsafe ...." If you haven't already, tell him that hospital/doctor births do have their place for women who have high risk pregnancies, but that yours is perfectly normal, etc, etc, etc.

Good luck with your birth. I hope your ex doesn't intrude so much as to ruin your birth experience

I took this advice last night. I made some nice little comparisons about some things he and his dad were very knowledgeable about and how I only knew a little about them, and then reminded him about how long I had been researching natural child birth and asked him how much he and his dad really KNEW about the subject. I got him to admit that he really only knows very limited stuff about birth at all, only what they taught in his health class and what I've told him and stories he's heard about his aunts and their births. So I asked him what part of what he knew was scaring him so much. He said "nothing really" and started to say "but my dad says" and I cut him off and asked when his father had ever had, seen, or even heard the details of a natural homebirth. Of course the answer was never. So I reminded him that I welcome any questions he or his dad may have but asked that he spend a little time thinking about me, as a person, and what he knows to be true about his nut-n-crunchy mama and just try to have faith that I would never do anything that I thought was too risky when it comes to ANY of my children including this little unhatched babe. He said he understood and would try to stop being so paranoid, but that he'll feel much better when it's all over. AND he'll call again tomorrow to check up on me. Fair enough.

Just wanted to add a big thank you for all of the understanding and advice ladies... you all are the greatest!!